😂 Funny/ Tender
Sunday morning:
It looks like you got attached by a yeti.
Hearing gerbils.
Andrew, if you stick that airsoft gun in your pants, you’re gonna blow your balls off. -James
Don’t touch Bernard. I don’t want him to lose his powers because then I’ll have to teach him extra hard. Derek
Koda: crazily beautiful and beautifully crazy.
White zebra- white elephant
I was already wearing an ugly Christmas sweater. I didn’t want to go to school with a hunk of toilet paper in my nose too. -Andrew
Mom, I typed up chintzy plastic spatula, and I found your favorite spatula (the one I’ve been searching for for two years now!) Daniel
Mom: How is it that this main floor is so clean today!?
Derek: Because of me!
Candy canes are barf in the shape of a candy canes -Andrew
We’ve decided Sam has more guardian angels than granddad does. And we know how many that is. Mom
Andrew, that’s not OK. Go spank yourself!
-Daniel
How about we make the funny page double-sided and I get the whole back side? -Daniel
Andrew: Daniel, how many people did you riz up today?
Daniel: I don’t know. It’s always unintentional.
You’re wrong, Andrew. Because I am your daddy bear. -Daniel
Mom tonight I’m gonna wear class F for Feliz Navidad. Daniel
I’m gonna go outside and build a snowman. And then I’m going to shoot it with my airsoft gun. -Andrew
After telling James about a social faux pas, James said “mom that’s why you just don’t talk to anybody. It’s so much easier. Then you don’t have to worry about any of this.”
I don’t like the music in wicked. There’s too much singing in it. -Derek.
Just go to my math class. Then you’ll know what beer smells like. -Andrew
Mom: Who wants to listen to the wicked soundtrack?
Daniel: That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.
I won’t use my uma words, but the more I go to Walmart, the more I realize why mom hates Walmart.
The more I go to Walmart, the more I realize why mom hates this place. -James
That Café Rio has the best workers. Even if their food is trash, Daniel.
Daniel doesn’t like losing and mom doesn’t like not winning. Dad
It’s impossible to fall in a wheelchair. Unless you’re doing a wheely. Or going downstairs. -Andrew
The best advice is when someone believes in you/ someone believing in you. -Sidney Trainor
Honey, the Grinch is a good person too. Mike
The wheelchair was my favorite Christmas present. Daniel
I can play you some plumbing music on the piano if you’d like. -Daniel
I completely forgot that we ordered food. James, while dining in at the cheesecake factory.
This feels awesome, coughing in a hospital. Daniel
Might as well take the rulebook and burn it in the fire. Mike
It’s only six (pm). We have a whole day ahead of us! -James
Mike (last day of Christmas break): what are ways we can prepare for school tomorrow?
Daniel: uh, we don’t need to think about that.
Your candy is in my knee pit hair. -James
(During chores) hey! You shouldn’t be yelling. There’s Mexican music playing. James
Ow! I just cut my hand on my jaw line cuz it’s so sharp. It’s ok, I have calluses. -Daniel
Only mom can do that. She’s the princess of the family. Daniel
There is negative percent chance that I would ever go to uma. Daniel
Mom: how did Dad beat me home?
Derek: I don’t know. He’s just good at that.
Holding James‘s hand is like holding my own hand. -Mike
Pretend like your crush is here. Dad, during scripture study
Whiskers, it’s okay. I’m not going to touch you that much. James
Why Tijuana? There’s so many better trips out there- like staying at home. -James
The only trip James wants to do is a trip to the rental place to rent a dirtbike. -Mom
Good Clay in the hands of good potters. Melinda
Andrew, do you need me to teach you Riz lessons? Daniel
I’m so glad we have coats. Derek
I wonder how many of Whisker’s lives I’ve used. -James
My phone is still at 78%. That’s because I charge it with my Rizz. -Daniel
Safe Stupid - friend on gondola
Dad: I have eyes in the back of my skull
James: well, that’s not healthy for you, Dad
Mike: well, Honey. We should go to bed. 10am is going to come mighty early.
PU, that smells like Yellowstone! Derek
Yeah. I think that’s a sign from God. James
James, I don’t think Jesus wants us doing donuts here.Daniel
I learned two things on this trip: not to skijor on Sunday. And not to drift in the temple parking lot. -Andrew
BushMamma
Andrew stayed cute. I don’t know why. It doesn’t make sense. -James
Andrew, I am not taking Rizzing lessons from you. Daniel
Mom, I heard your voice. I just don’t [want to] listen. -James
My ankle is loving the powder. Derek
We’re all in a spectrum of neurosis.
Why use the edge method when you can skip the first three steps and go straight to enabling and be done with it? -Daniel
Hokas are so comfortable! They are amazing times 100! Derek
I bet Andrew will be a bright little ray of sunshine on Sunday. Daniel
James wants to fly a Blackhawk? I thought he wanted to fly a helicopter. -Ama
Sadly, the black snowmobile doesn’t get over 65. I tried. Andrew
Daniel (15 year old), I’m not saying to hit the breaks, but 90 might be a little too fast in the construction area. -Mike
James, this is what you went wrong with Mrs. Perks: you didn’t wake up at 6 AM to go to the temple. -Daniel
Andrew, Moms don’t crash out. They just have a moment.
- Mike
Definitely don’t “hope” Andrew gets mrs. Robertson for math. Just make sure that he gets her. Daniel
Mom, we should get a different bird (replace Mia). -Derek
While watching mom park the Yukon super crookedly, James said “wow mom, and that’s WITH a camera!”
Mom: how many nights would you like mom and dads getaway to be?
Andrew: how many days are in a year?
Don't buzz and bleach that's how you lose your chances with every person. Cade.
Dad: in buttock. I mean bullock. (Playing the Alphabet game)
Daniel: that’s how dad won the last game!
Bluey is too nice. I’d rather watch the Simpson’s. James
Mom: agreed to disagree
James: agreed to agree. With myself.
Mom: are the mosquitoes not biting you?
Andrew: they are. Just toughen up.
Daniel: James, question of the day, what does my hair taste like?
James: it doesn’t taste like Koda. I’m going to have to lick it again to find out.
Jesus, take the wheel. And drive fast! Candace
I think you and mom should split the Silver Beaver. Daniel
No matter how many times people say they like the movie Monty Python, I still kind of just hate it. Daniel
Andrew‘s inner animal is a rabid dolphin. Mike
James: there’s a (gigantic) hole in my sock
Mike: that’s not a hole. That’s a portal to a different dimension.
There is do or do not. And I did. Derek
They’re eating at a house by Ridgeline.
Rich kid.
Just because they have food, doesn’t mean they’re rich. Derek
Boston is so spoiled. He has a sweet boat, alpacas, and he gets to go to rodeos whenever he wants. -Daniel
Dad: turn left
Everyone else: no, go strait here
Dad: don’t listen to dad
Daniel: yes, Dad
Freak of nature? I’m a freak of nature. That’s not a freak of nature. James
“Have you tried aunt Lizzie‘s chocolate cream pie? It’s amazing. Pretty much anything she makes is amazing. She could make barf cream pie and it would be amazing.” -Mom
Derek: why did you light these candles?
Mom: because our house smells like bacon.
Derek: but bacon smells good.
mom: that’s true, but I don’t want our home smelling like it.
Derek: so instead, it’s going to smell like smoke?
Daniel: Stop licking me!
James: I’m not licking you. I’m chewing your leg hairs.
Mom, I bet you would’ve won a prize because your food is so good.
-Derek, at the ward chili cook off
You know the pancake is burnt when James says it’s burnt (James likes his pancakes Black). Andrew
Daniel: Andrew?
Andrew: no?
What is it about moms that makes them feel like they can cheat at board games? -Tim M
"My heart wants more food. And Jesus is my heart’s food." -Grant B
Suns out, guns out. -Andrew
Hotdogs are my worst favorite food. -Derek
Scouting, where you learned to embrace the suck. James
We need you to replenish the world population with Ball boys. -S. Arnold
You can get a lot of money by saving money. -Derek
Working on ragalia: One day I tried explaining to my friends what I do in my free time. -Daniel
You know, this Scattergories game really isn’t that bad. -Andrew
All the planned deprivations in the world will not prepare you sufficiently to have a wife. But I promise it’s worth it! Mom
So Daniel, if you were bored in YM class today, I’m assuming Andrew was about ready to chew his way through the wall? -Dad.
Tammy is so good with words. I don’t know how she does it. -James
Wait a minute. I think I might have said something very graceful and professional like, “Mom, all people your age have brains that don’t work right, it’s normal.” Something comforting like that.
James: Can I get some pork?
Mike: No
James: What if I put it one bread for you?
Mike: Sure. But no pork.
Andrew, stop bitting me! I’m not even touching you! -James (with his arm around Andrew)
It feels weird when I have a job and dad doesn’t. -James
"Mom, we are so lucky to have the Tolmans as our neighbors." -Derek, while picking raspberries in their backyard
Andrew wears his emotions on his Tigger tie. -dad
I think you forgot. I have my lucky shirt.
And my lucky chapstick. -Andrew
Let's see. It says no bears, no food, and no drinks. Sweet, we can bring Koda. -Andrew
Hey Matt, do you want to chop off my foot and taxidermy it? Katelyn
Sometimes, when you are a parent, you will catch yourself reverting to your former child self. Mom
Yep. Little kids have the attention span of a squirrel. -Dad
“Koda, if you were human, you would get all the ladies.” -Andrew
It’s a good thing Bernard isn’t in the car, otherwise he’d be learning bad manners. -Derek.
Oh, fudge bunnies. Andrew
Santa’s a pushover. James
James causes cancer in the state of California. Derek
California causes cancer in the state of James. James
Some people complain about rain? The only time I complain about rain is when it should be snowing instead! Daniel
Andrew, please don’t yodel in the car. -Mike
When I was a little choncho, I ran around without a shirt on. -Daniel
Daniel, Your butt is Chungussee. -Andrew
Derek, listen to me. I’m 12 and I know what I’m talking about. -Andrew
Derek, when you want Mom and Dad to do something, you need to think about the timing. Right now is high stress and not the right time. -Andrew
If there’s such thing as a domestic housewife, does that mean there are feral housewives? -Mike.
I only ask for hypothetical reasons.
Ok. Sometimes mom makes think she’s a feral housewife. Mike
Mom is going to go full Colorado on me. -Daniel
I want to whack Andrew’s bootock. -Derek
Mom, if you come outside right now, you will be so happy. -Daniel (with it raining)
Mom: James, do you know what would be a fun date for us?
James: (without me, even finishing the sentence): shooting!
I have three emotions: Happy, sad, and hungry. -James
Mom, sometimes YOU’RE the hard child. James
James, why do you smell so weird? Daniel
Daniel: Now I am so curious what Andrew’s wife is going to be like.
James: I’m not curious, I’m scared.
Mom: Daniel, come on over here
Daniel: um, that’s not going to work. I’m under Dad‘s control right now.
Dad: “Derek, you are skiing so hard and fast!”
Derek: “yeah, I’m a little ripper… actually, Andrew should be called little ripper. Because he farts a ton!”
Andrew’s the big ripper.
While decorating and doctoring up our year-old Yule Log cake, Daniel said: “Gee, Merry Christmas, Jesus.”
After their first airsoft war, Daniel said: I might stay out here for the rest of my life.
Mom, you did such a good job hiding the gifts this year… maybe you buried them in the backyard? James.
It’s snowing outside! That’s happiness at it’s finest! … the world is righting itself. -Daniel
I’m not pointing any fingers, but James, stop yourself. Mom
There’s this kid in my class. And he’s actually a cowboy… [not just a wannabe cowboy like us] -Daniel
Dad: you guys aren’t hungry, are you?
James: no, we’re starving.
I am a beast of all modes. James
I’m impressed by this ugly Christmas sweater. It makes me cringe every time I look at it. James
Mom: “Do you want to stay up late and play Charades?”
Derek: “Yes! … What’s Charades?”
“For Charades, you can be a cleaning lady. And no one guess.” -Daniel
My mom is about 200 years old, which means she has a lot of experience with cooking and she’s good at it. Andrew, haha
In psych, there’s not even one second that’s not funny. Andrew
This is the best lasagna I’ve ever had! Daniel
Woah, I could suck up a squirrel with that straw! -Mike
Andrew, will you please go sit on the toilet and push? Mike.
Mom: the magic word is please. The magic two words are-
Daniel: por favor
Andrew, it’s going to be easy for you not to embarrass your kids… Until you get your own Foofy Nipper. Daniel
Tortilla. (Pronounced with the L’s.) It has three L’s. Daniel
Mom: Sometimes I’m dad’s hardest kid.
James: Yes, we already know that!/ Tell me something we don’t know.
Sometimes my lips just crave Derek’s cheeks. Mom.
Daniel used to get carsick. But now look at him, he’s a beast. James
“I’m saving my eclipse glasses for the second coming and when the savior comes.” Connie Goeckeritz.
James, I’ll let you pet me with your little toe. Andrew
When you go to camp loll, bug spray is part of your uniform! James
I’ve done enough soccer in my life to beat little kids. Andrew
Andrew, you’re not a musical.” (During Andrew’s singing) -Daniel
Will there be any girls there? I just need to know if I need to bring my muscle shirt or not. -Andrew
James: Do you talk to your crush at school?
Andrew: Yes. A lot.
James: does she talk to you?
Andrew: Yes. A lot.
Mom. You will NOT believe what happened today! The Neals door opened. I knocked on it for ten minutes. Andrew
Even Andrew‘s bored. That just doesn’t happen while watching a relationship movie. Daniel
But Andrew, you’re not a monkey. You’re mostly human. Derek
Dad: this is my baby blanket. It looks a little ratty/worn because it’s so old.
Derek: Dad, your blanket looks so bad because you didn’t have sewing machines when you were a kid.
Mom: Derek, make sure to stay with your brothers.
Derek: brothers, make sure to stay with me
Chaffing’s all in your head. James
Andrew can win the watermelon eating contest. He’s 12 and he’s a beast. -James
Don’t worry, mom I’ll have chocolate chip cookies at my reception. -Andrew
I’m too high maintenance to be low maintenance. Jess (at gym)
Mom, if I pray to make up for the whole week of being at camp, will you scratch my back to make up for the whole week? Daniel
You know, mom, I’m just wondering how long until you start talking with your (southern) accent (a.k.a. losing it). -Andrew
Andrew, is this actually how you sound in your head? Daniel
Andrew, you’re not Jack sparrow. How many times do I need to tell you that? Daniel
Daniel’s very first time driving on the freeway:
Mike: OK.Hit cruise control.
Mom: At 90!?
Mike: Ok. Do 85.
Mom is the emotional support for the [dog] emotional support pet. James
Nothing will stop me from getting this dirt bike going. I am unstoppable. -James
Koda’s allergic to his own hair. -James
C’mon brick.
The boys know that unless the house is on fire, I’m not going to pull them away from their instruments. Mom
Today I fed my dessert stomach/ today was a dessert stomach feeding. Daniel (Thanksgiving)
James: you hold Andrew. You’re stronger than me.
Daniel: I know I am.
Daniel: Remember when we were young and we didn’t get anything but wheat bread? I went to the Oliver‘s once and she made us yummy sandwiches with white bread. It was the best thing in the world.
Derek, do you know what wheat bread is?
Derek: no
(At Wallaby’s) People left so much food on the table! And a cup so I got free soda. I washed it out really, really good. Daniel
Derek: when are we going to Florida again?
Dad: we don’t have any trips planned to Florida right now.
Derek: you don’t get much breaks from work.
I’m rubber your glue. ..
You’re fake and artificial too. -Daniel to James
It smells like dead grasshoppers in here. (Hotel room from our stinky musk) -Mike
Mom: Last time we went to Cabellas, we planned to stay for ten minutes and we stayed a lot longer.
Andrew: Okay, yeah, let’s do that!
Eggnog’s not that bad. It’s just reminds me a lot of fish oil. Daniel
James: Daniel, do you wanna hear something funny?
Daniel: no.
Dad: Daniel, how did you get so good at the piano?
Daniel: Because I keep playing, even after you yell at me to stop.
James, please stop that song. I’m listening to good music right now. -Daniel
I love watching your boys interact with each other. You can tell they just love and enjoy each other. -Linda Black
Daniel: I didn’t learn anything from watching Dora.
Mom: that means you didn’t watch enough of it.
Andrew: hey, at least MREs you don’t have to poop as much, right?
James: well…
Koda is sitting by me. He’s my little wolf pelt that moves. -Mike, after the mountain man rendezvous
You know Koda, you would make a pretty pelt. Daniel
How do we transplant good looking deer into our neighborhood? Dad
Daniel, you should wear combat boots every single day. They’re so comfortable. James
Do you wanna at least wear flip-flops?
No. Flip-flops are for ‘try hards.’ -James
I want real food. Like McDonald’s. James
Mom: James, can I feed you something?
James: if it’s good. Like sugary.
This video is worth losing brain cells over. Andrew
I have 47 knives on me. My toes, teeth, and fingernails. Derek
Is MaryJane your spirit animal? -James
Mom: Andrew, do you need your phone today?
Andrew: Looking at me straight in the eyes - yes. I’m texting Bentley and girls.
Homework isn’t checking if it’s right. It’s more like a quiz. Moms aren’t supposed to check it. Only teachers and aids. -Derek
Don’t we all have a little bit of Clementine in us? -James
The Rizzin- Nipper. Andrew, after getting girls’ digits (numbers) from Cornbelly’s
Thank you for being our classic Utah suburban parents. (While looking for a maverick with good pizza). -Daniel
James: Getting girls at Cornbelly’s is like fishing. Catch and release.
Daniel: No! Cornbelly’s is not the place to get girls!
Mike: where is the place to get numbers?
James: Taco Bell and Denny’s is the place!
Daniel: FSY probably.
If I were you, I’d poop before the Mesa. It’s better to poop in a toilet then to have to pack it out. Dad
Derek’s death stare voice: ‘no’ -Daniel
James, hurt him silently. Dad, during GenCon
I’m really confused. I thought Wicked was gonna be good, but it wasn’t. -Daniel
In the Bible, it says not to wrestle your brothers during quiet time so go outside. Mike
Andrew: owee, my legs are so sore!
Mom: from what?
Andrew: sleeping.
I’m happy I’m in this family. Derek
I don’t know how smarties candy made it into this decade. Mom
(Unlike the Lamms, Dad‘s family can read.) That’s probably because they didn’t grow up on a ranch. James
Your (red) eye looks like you're dead. James.
I make decisions to make sure I don’t live to 105. -Tammy
Derek: I have most my knives on me.
Mom: how many knives do you have?
Derek: about 25. You can never have enough knives.
I’m awaking. (With these nerds clusters at ultimate tournament). Derek
Mom: Andrew, do you want to grow up and be a dentist?
Andrew: That would just be sad. Then you would be that guy that everybody hates.
