Carter T-Ball

Carter had a blast playing T-Ball this past summer!  He was very entertaining to watch.  He always had his "shades" on and was very intense about who was winning and who wasn't.  It's so fun to watch him learn new things!

4th of July

I've gotten WAY too far behind on my blog so I'm going to attempt to catch up the best that I can.  

We celebrate the 4th of July with the Nuttall/Roberts clan this year (I think the Lloyd's were in Nauvoo).  We had a great time going to the Kaysville parade and swimming and BBQing at my parents house.  My mom and dad bought this really fun blow up water toy.  The kids played for hours and had a great time!

Final

Easton's headstone was placed last Saturday, April 28th (and then re-placed in the correct spot Wednesday, May 2nd but that's a whole different story...).  It's beautiful and perfect and conveys exactly how we feel about our sweet baby.  I have been anxiously waiting for the day it was actually in the ground.  I want the whole world to know that my son is buried there and that he was loved.  On the other hand, it has brought back many emotions that I thought would never come back.  It just seems so final.  The final tangible thing we needed to do to put our son to rest.  It's officially official now, Easton's death is "set in stone" (quite literally). While it breaks my heart to see his name marking his grave instead of hanging on the wall in the room he would've shared with Asher, I continue to feel peace and know that he is watching over us urging us in the right direction so that we can all be together as a family one day.

DISNEYLAND! Picture overload!

We were so grateful for the opportunity we had at the end of February/beginning of March to go to Disneyland with most of Ryan's side of the family. It was so much fun and my kids were in heaven! Where there meltdowns? Yes (some of which by the adults), but it was still the best vacation ever! Well, except when Ryan and I went on our cruise...that was just almost too good to be true...Anyways, enjoy our pictures from the best FAMILY vacation we have ever been on.

There was a lot of video watching (see Carter above) and not nearly enough napping on the ride to California.

This was a common sight on our trip. Grandma had a broken foot so her wheelchair became the napping place for both girls. And grandpa got some serious exercise pushing these lovely ladies everywhere!

Rylee in front of Space Mountain! The girl would ride anything she was tall enough for. She gets that from daddy for sure!

I had to throw in this one of Cam looking less than his handsome self oh and don't miss me eating (of course)!

Rainforest Cafe home of the multi-child meltdown special. I believe all four of the older kids melted down for one reason or another.

Had to throw in this shot of the Modern Family director's chair. They were filming an episode of our favorite TV show while were there. We saw all of our favorite characters and one of us (who shall remain nameless) actually yelled out to Eric Stonestreet who plays Cam and made a complete fool out of themselves.

Christmas

To be honest, I kind of dreaded Christmas this year. It’s not my favorite holiday anyway. I mean I love celebrating the birth of Christ, but I prefer much lower key holidays like the 4^th of July when there isn’t usually a bazillion different places to be and all at the same time and no matter which place you choose, someone, somewhere is going to be mad at you. So ya, not a huge fan of Christmas, but this year I was REALLY dreading it. I had pretty much finished shopping in May. I thought I was so smart! My thinking was that who in their right mind would want to go out during the holiday season shopping with twins that were only a few months old? Jokes on me! So I didn’t have a lot of shopping to do which was nice, but kind of boring and I just dreaded missing our little Easton. I dreaded that so much time had passed that it seemed everyone else except us was starting to forget that he ever existed and that I would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day doing what I have come to call, “faking it until I make it.” Needless to say, I was feeling mighty sorry for myself. Christmas Eve came and we went to visit Easton’s grave and I had my good cry for the day while we pulled away from the cemetery and drove to my parents’ house for their party. We had a really good time with lots of yummy food and fun games and I was pleasantly surprised how much fun I had. Christmas Day came and my kids were so excited and they had so much fun opening presents, but I have to say the best part was the Spirit we felt that day. The day I had been dreading for months turned out to be the BEST Christmas I have ever had. Ryan and I agreed to only get each other one gift so you would think that for someone who loves to get presents like I do, would be disappointed in such a Christmas, but it truly was a special day. Since it was Sunday, we attended Sacrament meeting and one of the songs was Away in a Manager. This song hasn’t ever really been my favorite, but the last verse really got to both Ryan and I that day.

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray

Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And fit us for heaven
To live with Thee there

This year, on the Christmas I had dreaded more than any other, I felt what the true meaning of Christmas is. The whole reason for Christmas is to celebrate the birth of our Savior who came to this Earth for the soul purpose of making it possible for us to return to Him and to be able to be together as families forever. Those blessings have taken on a whole new meaning at our house and I am grateful for the teachings of the Gospel that have helped us to see the eternal perspective.

That all being said, Carter and Rylee had a great Christmas and were so spoiled by many! Asher didn’t care much. Sadly, we didn’t take a single picture, but here are some videos…

Moments

Some of you may be wondering when this blog became all about our (mostly my) grief. Well, this blog is about our lives and right now our lives are intermingled with grief. Are there happy moments? Absolutely! In spite of my grief, I have found myself smiling, laughing, and enjoying life. My children (& Ryan of course) bring me such joy and that's the irony of it all. If I didn't love my children so much, it wouldn't hurt so bad. I also have an amazing group of women that I play Bunco with once a month. I don't think they know how much I need that one night a month. I laughed so hard with them this month, I'm pretty sure I almost wet pants. It felt good! Moments like those and many others help me realize that I'm getting through this. A dear friend of mine (in fact one of my Bunco friends) sent this little article to me that she got off of a friends blog. It made sense to me, so I thought I would post it in case it can help anyone else out there.

STEVEN KALAS: When you lose a child, grieving is a lifelong experience

My address is titled "The Myth of Getting Over It." It's my attempt to answer the driving questions of grieving parents: When will I get over this? How do I get over this?

You don't get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you. It changes your marriage. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different.

You don't want to get over it. Don't act surprised. As awful a burden as grief is, you know intuitively that it matters, that it is profoundly important to be grieving. Your grief plays a crucial part in staying connected to your child's life. To give up your grief would mean losing your child yet again. If I had the power to take your grief away, you'd fight me to keep it. Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere inside you, you know that.

The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it.

Profound grief is like being in a stage play wherein suddenly the stagehands push a huge grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates the stage. No matter where you move, it impedes your sight lines, your blocking, your ability to interact with the other players. You keep banging into it, surprised each time that it's still there. It takes all your concentration to work around it, this at a time when you have little ability or desire to concentrate on anything.

The piano changes everything. The entire play must be rewritten around it.

But over time the piano is pushed to stage left. Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright, and slowly, surely, you begin to find the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage it. Instead of writing every scene around the piano, you begin to write the piano into each scene, into the story of your life.

You learn to play that piano. You're surprised to find that you want to play, that it's meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief -- together -- begin to compose hope. Who'da thought?

Your grief becomes an intimate treasure, though the spaces between the grief lengthen. You no longer need to play the piano every day, or even every month. But later, when you're 84, staring out your kitchen window on a random Tuesday morning, you welcome the sigh, the tears, the wistful pain that moves through your heart and reminds you that your child's life mattered.

You wipe the dust off the piano and sit down to play.

********
Feb. 26, 2006
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal
Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas

Easton's Christmas

We wanted to somehow include Easton in our Christmas celebrations this year (and every year) so we decided to start a new tradition. Every year on the first Saturday in December, we are going to decorate a tree at Easton's grave. We also have a little treasure box we decorated that is Easton's gift box. Inside of it, we each wrote our own promise to him of something we will do in the next year to make ourselves better people. We put the notes in the box underneath his tree and then decided to put the box underneath our tree at home. It was a freezing cold day, but worth it to make us all feel a little closer to our baby during this time of year that is so focused on family and being together.

We love our littlest munchkin and can't wait to be with him again one day!