goal for this summer;

get on my blog & write. i just went through & deleted mostly everything.
its like spring cleaning on my blog! its 5:19 in the morning.
why am i still awake? oh yeah, because i'm waiting for josh to message me.
i screwed things up with him again. & i feel terrible.
he's the closest comparison to someone i've gotten out here
& i should've just listened to myself instead of everyone else.

yeah, here we go.

"It really changed my life. When we split up, something changed, permanently, in me. My heart sort of broke that day, and it will never be the same.” - Gwenyth Paltrow ♥

another blog. wow, i'm on a role. this won't be a good one. just pointless rambling.
i'm getting tatted up, & i am excited. i'm getting a sparrow on one hip,
& on the other i'm getting the outline of the state of arizona with a heart at gilbert.
i don't care if you think they're retarded or stupid; its what i want.

i miss arizona a lot. its been bumming me out. i need to go home.
life was just better there, & i was happy. I miss my family.

i'm jumping. cameron darling, i miss you. but i'm too scared to even talk to you anymore.
i feel like talking to you is just gonna cause more pain. & i'm pretty sure i'm right.
i know that you're over me. its reality that i'll have to face sometime soon.
so i guess i'll face it now. you'll still mean everything to me.
your still amazing in my eyes, & i don't think that will ever go away.
years from now, when you won't think about me twice; you'll still have a piece of me.
you know it too. i thought i knew what love was when i met you, even if i am still young.
but you showed me something completely different. love doesn't even cover it..
i'd give anything for us to get back together, & go back to how it was.
that will never happen though. so, now its time for me to face reality, & it's gonna be hard.

i'm dreaming.

i can't wait for the day i wake up from this hell.

i keep your pictures on my phone.
i don't want to send your stuff back.

i look around and remember you.
i don't want to anymore.

i sit in my living room and look down the hall.
i only see you, and how many times you walked down it
covering your nips only in a towel.

i look in my kitchen.
i only see you making your stupid waffles,
and you making me almost hit my head on the fan.

i look in my room, at my bathroom and bed.
i only see you hitting my head on my bed, & giving me a lump.
i only see you trying to comb your hair.

i look at the whole downstairs.
i only see you and countless games of wii.

i can't go anywhere without thinking about you, or seeing you.
i'm not safe from you in my own house.

not even in my head.
thoughts and memories that'll never leave.
i wish they would.

i love you.
i wish i didn't though.

i sit here now, and look around.
i don't notice anything but the tears rolling down my cheeks.

thank you.
for all the pain you caused.
and all the more to come.

the trees are changing, and the leaves are falling.

how weird is it..that i've never seen trees change colors?
really weird. but i get to look at it every damn day.
its getting old. everything is just brown now, its ugly.

lately i've been depressed, but i hide it well.
really well. i miss arizona so much.
and i've been fully convinced i will, never, ever get married.
no guy is worth my time anymore. just my best friends.

everyone here only wants to date me because i'm the new girl.
i'm getting tired of it. on some real shit.
i don't want to date anyone, ever again. seriously.
boys are stupid, they lie, and they play their games.

they talk to you, get you to believe them,
use you, then leave you. happily ever after.
i'm sick of it.

i need a mature guy, that isn't an asshole.
but where will i ever find one of those?
um..nowhere. i forgot, they don't exist.

i miss my family.
this is too much. i miss arizona.

Can't live without a best friend

At least I can't. Romeo does so much for me. I really don't know what I'd do without him. There is no other guy in this world that understands me like he does. There really isn't. Close, but not quite. He's amazing in every way possible, and I hate seeing him hurt, or sad, or upset. I go to him for everything. He's just amazing. He gives the best advice out there, and helps me with everything. He has a lot of people cheering for him, he just doesn't realize it. He has so many qualities that I love, and that help me. He's so weird, but I love him to death and I know that I wouldn't be the same without him and his help. Love you Ro!

Just breathe

Right about now I don't really know what to do. I'd give anything in the world just to see Janae, because I miss her more than anything, I want so badly to talk to her. It just sucks. I miss her so much, and I hate getting to talk to her every two or three months, even longer than that sometimes. I don't know whats up with me lately.

I feel like giving up, because everything is giving up on me. I feel like, I'm not any importance to anyone. It's the worst feeling in the world. I can't even be home without feeling the need to cry because everything is almost packed away. I wish I didn't cause so many problems, and I wish I didn't put myself into situations that make me feel like this. It's just the way I am.

I feel so sleep deprived. I can't function and lately I just ramble on about things that don't make sense. There's so much that's been going on that I hardly pay attention to the little things anymore. Maybe that's why things are going so downhill for me.

I'm falling apart at my seams. It sounds so dramatic but its so true. It's hard for me to explain it, but it's like there's so much stuff going on, I don't have time for myself. I make time to help other people, even if that means not helping myself. I should probably start doing that more because I don't like where things are headed right now. It's like the path less traveled. Except this path sucks right now. I just want to find a bench and take a break from everything for a little bit. I want a weekend to myself, where I won't have to worry and I can just come back rejuvenated, and full of life. It's like my life has been sucked out of me and I've been moping around my house, and everywhere I go.

I've been putting Cameron in a bad position, and I feel so bad. He doesn't deserve it because he's been there for me almost more than anyone. He's amazing I just don't know where things are going if I don't take a quick breather form everything so I'm not like this. I don't want to lose him because I'm a douche bag.

Romeo has been there for me for everything. And he always tells me the truth even if it does hurt to hear it. I appreciate him more than anything. I'd be worse than I already am if it weren't for him.

For everyone else that's listened to me complain for the past two weeks, thank you. I honestly appreciate it. If anyone needs help with anything just let me know, and I'm there.

1 month down, forever to go.

One month already. That's not that long, but it went by so fast and I wasn't even expecting it, and surprise surprise. Here it is. I'm happy, though.

Cameron came over, even though I was supposed to go over to his house, and we were going to make spaghetti together, but my parents are lame so they didn't take me.

Anyway, Cameron came over and we walked to my park, and just hung out. Then he got really excited because he found out who my stalker is, and he knows him? I guess they went to elementary school together. Weird. But on the way back he made up a poem, and it was cute because he was all nervous and stuff. Today was really good. I don't have to carry my baby around anymore, which really excites me. I love Cameron Clemente!