Motherhood.....that one word sums up everything I aspired to be in my life, my dream job, one of my biggest hopes, and in some ways, my identity. I always wanted to be a mom. I grew up loving baby dolls, and remember carrying them to the grocery store, the mall, and even taking walks with them down the street. At the age of 9, I began to babysit for the two little boys who lived next door to me. While their mom would clean or run errands, my sister and I would keep them and we LOVED it! I continued babysitting regularly for families as I grew, and ended up with a limo full of the kids I kept throughout my teenage and college years as my husband and I rode from our wedding to our reception. We literally rode to our wedding reception with at least 5 children in our limo....hilarious! I love kids!
As you can imagine, after keeping children for so many years before I had my own, I developed an idea in my head of what motherhood would look like. I felt like I was somewhat realistic as I knew that life wouldn't be perfect. However, I felt very prepared and thought I had a pretty good grasp on what that reality would be.
My husband and I would have two children. He would work and I would stay home in order to watch the kids and take care of the house. On a typical day, we would wake up, the kids would jump into my bed and snuggle with me before we walked downstairs. After watching some cartoons in bed and snuggling for a while, we would head down to the kitchen where I would pull out the blueberry muffin mix and start cooking. The kids would pull up their stools, help make the muffins, and end up with batter on their noses as they licked the spoons. We would peek inside the oven as we watched the muffins rise, and eventually would sit down at the table with our muffins and milk and discuss what we were going to do that day. After breakfast, I would clean up the kitchen and then we would head upstairs to get dressed. The kids would put on the clothes that I picked out, we would fix hair, brush teeth, and I would get myself ready for the day.
We would run to the grocery store where the kids would help me shop, go to story time at the library and listen to the stories being read, and then go pick up lunch in order to have a picnic at the park with friends. After lunch and playing at the park, we would go home in order for the kids to nap. They would curl up in their beds and sleep, while I swept the floors, folded laundry, picked up the toys, and made a phone call to a friend. They would wake up, play together nicely upstairs while I started dinner, and then Daddy would get home. The kids would run to the door to greet him, and he would ask how my day was. We would sit down to eat dinner as a family of four, discuss our day, and talk about all the things that we were thankful for that day. The kids would take their baths, get their cozy pajamas on, and we would play Candyland and Chutes and Ladders together before bed. I would read them a story, kiss them goodnight, and go downstairs to spend quality time with my husband and talk about life.
Shockingly, reality struck quickly as my husband and I had our children. I have a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Let's suffice it to say that if what I typed above ever happened, I would die of shock. And the sad thing about all of this y'all, is that I have really struggled with guilt over not being the mom that I pictured myself becoming. Let me walk you through a realistic day at my house.
Lainie and Emmie roll out of bed between 6:30 and 7:00 a.m. One of them immediately runs to the bathroom, turns on the light that shines directly in my face, and talks LOUDLY to the other one as they take care of business. I am now awake. They make their way downstairs, jumping from about the 5th stair up and rattling the house so much with their "THUMP" that the neighbors are now awake. Ellie starts screaming "Daddy!!!" "Daddy!" "Mommy!!" "Daddy!!" until one of us is coherent enough to go get her. Oftentimes, I will admit, she is just waiting on me to be coherent enough to go get her because her Daddy is in the shower. Have I mentioned that I am not a morning person? Lainie and Emmie either watch a show, play a game on the computer, or begin fighting over something depending on the day. I brush my teeth, put my hair in a bun, and yell downstairs for the girls to come up and get dressed. I help them pick an outfit, we head to my room, and they start getting dressed. Lainie complains that her shirt is itchy, the pants hurt her legs, and she doesn't want to wear the outfit. Emmie immediately starts crying because her dress, THAT SHE PICKED OUT, isn't twirly enough. She demands a different outfit and refuses to wear what we have. I dress her in it anyways, knowing that nothing is ever good enough. She screams, throws a toy across the room in frustration and lands herself in time out. I take Lainie to the bathroom to fix her hair.
Lainie's hair, bless it, is a tangled mess every. single. morning. I have to put water on her hair and dry it every morning, and every morning she claims that she does not like water. She complains, I fix, she complains, I fix, rubber band, dry hair, bow...DONE! 1 down, 2 to go. Emmie is released from time out and comes in with the attitude that this is the worst day ever because her dress makes her look like a boy. I start brushing her hair, she screams saying "THAT HURTS!", I brush, she whines, rubber band, she whines, hair dryer, she whines, bow...DONE! 2 down, 1 to go. I look at Ellie and decide she can get dressed later.
We get to the kitchen for breakfast. Lainie and Ellie want pancakes, and Emmie wants Cheerios with milk. I make them as quickly as I can, they eat as quickly as they can, and I pack lunches. Emmie claims she is thirsty, Lainie wants water, and Ellie cries for chocolate milk. I give them their drinks, and start packing their backpacks. Ellie spills Lainie's water. I grab a towel and clean it up. Lainie and Emmie go brush their teeth while I change Ellie's diaper. We go to get shoes on, and one of Lainie's boots has literally gotten up and walked out of our house. It is nowhere to be found. I search every closet, look upstairs and down, and finally find it in the playroom closet under the stuffed animals. We leave for school. Ellie is still in her pajamas with wild hair, and I am in pajama pants with lamb slippers.
We drop Lainie off. Emmie starts school in 30 minutes, and the thought of going home, getting the two girls out of their car seats only to put them back in their car seats 15 minutes later is too exhausting to think about, so a Starbucks run to waste time is in order. We go through the drive thru while Ellie screams, "Mommy, cake!" over and over and over again. Needless to say, I made the mistake of introducing her to the lemon loaf. I get my coffee, drive off, and she realizes that there was no brown paper bag handed to me through the window 5 seconds earlier. She SCREAMS, and proceeds to take her pacifier out of her mouth, throw it at my head while screaming "Mommy, cake!" I turn around and say, "No cake for you!" "We do NOT act that way." She cries for 10 minutes, and I chug the coffee trying to remember that it is a treat for myself and to enjoy it. Emmie tells me that the movie in the car is over, so I start it again. It doesn't work. "Mommy, fix the movie!" "Mommy, fix the movie!" "Mommy, fix the movie!!!" I am driving, drinking coffee and TRYING TO FIX THE STINKIN' MOVIE my gosh why did we buy this dvd player kids are so spoiled these days oh my word!! We drop Emmie off.
I take Ellie home, get her dressed and ready for the day and lay her down for an early nap. I take a shower, get dressed, clean the kitchen, wash a load of clothes and then wake Ellie up to head over to have lunch with a friend. We walk into Moe's to grab a quick to-go lunch to take to our friend's house. I get a salad, she gets a quesadilla, we pay for our food and head out the door. She starts screaming, "COOKIE!!" I tell her the cookie is in the bag and she screams louder. I tell her to come on and we will get her cookie, and she screams louder. I turn around, say "Let's go" and she proceeds to throw herself on the floor of the restaurant spinning in a circle screaming "COOKIE!" I pick her up, say "Mercy" three times, tell her that we don't act like that, and we head to our lunch date with friends.
We go pick up Emmie from school. We play outside for a little while, and have fun playing ball in the front yard. The girls run, and laugh, and we really do enjoy playing together outside. About an hour later, we walk to school to get Lainie. We get to the school and both girls want to get out of the stroller. Emmie sits in Ellie's seat, and Ellie throws a fit. Emmie refuses to get up. I try to have a conversation with another mom, and play referee over who gets to sit where in the stroller that they just demanded they get out of. Ellie runs down the sidewalk. I chase her. Emmie chases her too. Lainie comes out the door and we head home. Emmie wants to ride, Ellie wants to walk while pushing the stroller, and Lainie runs ahead. Ellie takes off running where there are cars, I pick her up, she throws a fit, I wrangle her like a wolverine, finally get to a safe spot for her to get down, and she walks. 10 seconds later, she wants to ride in the stroller. She rides for 30 seconds and then decides to jump out of the stroller without warning. She falls, she cries, I pick her up, she demands to be put down. We finally get home, and I need a nap.
I go through Lainie's papers, try to get a little done around the house, and start dinner. I sit down to fold clothes and Lainie is hungry. I get her a snack, and then Emmie is hungry. I get her a snack, fix Ellie one too, and they go to the play room. I sit down to fold clothes. Emmie is thirsty. I get her a drink. Lainie is thirsty too. I get her a drink, and Ellie one too. They go back upstairs. I sit down to fold clothes. Ellie falls and comes screaming to me. I give her kisses, decide that she probably needs a diaper change, and go to change her. She lays down screaming and kicking as she hates to have her diaper changed. She kicks me, I tell her "NO!" she cries, I change, she gets up to go play and I sit down to fold clothes. Lainie is bored and wants to go outside. She grabs her coat and Emmie wants to go outside. I get up, get her coat on, get Ellie's too and we go outside to swing. Daddy finally is home! Hallelujah!
He takes over the swinging festivities, and I go inside to finish dinner. We sit down to dinner. Lainie doesn't like anything I made and asks for a sandwich. Emmie only wants 2 out of 3 things, Ellie spills her food all over the table, Lainie wants a sandwich, Emmie needs a napkin, Ellie runs out of milk. Justin and I shove food down as quickly as we can and it is bath time.
It is my turn to give baths that night, so Justin cleans the kitchen. We start baths. One head bathed, two heads bathed, three heads bathed. One body bathed, two bodies bathed, three bodies bathed. Ellie gets out, jammies on, I grab her pacifier and send her downstairs with her Daddy. Lainie and Emmie play. We brush Ellie's teeth and put her to bed. The girls eventually get jammies on and it is time to do homework. Read, write, answer questions...homework is done. The girls watch a show, eat a snack, and we take them to bed. I lay with them and we chat for a little while before kissing them goodnight and wishing them "sweet dreams!" I head downstairs, grab the computer and crash on the couch. Justin watches tv and I literally can only bring myself to do mindless activities for the moment. I pack lunches for the next day, drink a cup of coffee to get me through the next 2 hours, and fold clothes.
This is my reality! It is nothing like I ever dreamed it would be. It is hard, it is draining, it is tiring, it is motherhood. It is the best job I have ever had, and it is the HARDEST job I have ever had. As I struggle with not being the mom that I pictured myself being, I remind myself that I am not perfect. My children are not perfect, my husband is not perfect. It is absolutely impossible for motherhood to be perfect. However, God has perfectly equipped me to parent my girls, to love them well, to raise them in His image. There are many, many moments that I will cherish forever, many moments that I look forward to. There are also moments that I would like to forget, or moments that I regret. However, even as I realize that motherhood isn't what I envisioned it to be, I am so grateful to have the experience of it. I am so thankful for my three beautiful girls. I also realize that it is everything God created it to be for me, and I trust Him on this journey!
