A cup of tea... anyone?

Oh my. I miss you. :(((((( Terribly.

This sucks so much I'm typing in a different font (which means I'm going insane)! I was positive I've gotten over you. I tried to block you out. I tried not to tell you about my life and stopped myself from asking about your life. Our lives should be kept separate for now. I ignored your Hellos, your His and was deeply proud at myself for being strong and not giving in. And then, you JUST had to make a comment about my profile picture with this comment - "Oh pretty picture" and I crumbled.

I crumbled. My strong self gave in. I melted. I went all fuzzy inside... C'mon! Which girl would not melt and smile giddily when a guy makes such a comment? And worst is, he's not just any guy. He's the guy I go to sleep and wake up thinking about and he's the guy I come home thinking about. He's the guy that makes me smile and he's someone I deeply care about. I often wonder what he's up to right this moment. He's the guy that I pray to God every night if he's the one. He makes me feel complete. He makes me feel comfortable in my skin. He makes me very happy. Everything seems perfect......... but the missing piece to the puzzle makes it imperfect. And because its so perfect, it hurts even more that it can never be.

Evil evil person. Why are you doing this to me? Now, all I want is to talk to you. And you're not talking to me. And it freaking hurts. It sucks. So much for being strong!




Comforting myself with this song. There there... its alright! He's a loser for not appreciating someone like me!

This afternoon, I went for a driving lesson with dad. Got yelled at for speeding. It was unintentional ok?? I didn't mean to speed! Had a panic attack while trying to change lanes and struggled to reverse park into the driveway of our house. I came out mightily stressed and just so angry with myself. I'm angry at myself for taking so long to get my L's. All my friends are now driving and some are already driving their own car. And here I am, I cannot even drive a frigging car!

Enough said, I am dissatisfied with my life. I'm still jobless. And as much as I do appreciate my parents giving me suggestions and ideas to find a job, every time they bring up the topic of job hunting, it stresses me out and makes me very frustrated. I just feel so useless and a real failure. I just want them to be proud of me. I'm sure they are very proud of the achievements of their oldest son with him pursuing a PhD in cancer research and a younger son that is now working for a well-known Australian mining company. And here I am, I can barely do anything. I've overheard them talking about how nice it is if I got a job and it makes me feel so useless.

My life is not going anywhere. I will not lie and pretend everything's okay and say I am very happy. I will not say I'm happy and ignore the fact that I'm unsatisfied with this life because I'm a Christian and Christians are presumably meant to be happy with their lives because they have God's grace and God's grace is enough and more than anything, more than Worldly things. I mean, c'mon.. I'm human. It's natural for me to go after Worldly things. I've asked God again and again. It's unfair that I've waited so long. It's unfair that God gives non-Christians everything they want and here I am, waiting... waiting for what??? I don't know. And all those verses and songs you were thought since young like "You can do all things in Christ who strengthen's you", "God is Able", "God will make a way when there's no other way", "plans to prosper you", "Ask and it shall be given to you", "The Lord is jehovah jireh, our provider" bla bla bla just flies out the window!

God has tested my patience. Sometimes, I don't know what He wants. Sometimes, I think maybe I've done something wrong, maybe there's something I need to do, maybe I haven't done enough. Isit because I don't have enough faith or I don't believe enough? I can't quite figured it out. I've tried everything and I'm really tired. I'm exhausted. But, someone once told me God isn't a genie that grants all our wishes. But, why not just be a genie and grant this small request I have? It's not rocket science really! God has His ways I supposed. And I hope I come out of this stronger. Regardless, I need to pray more. I need to seek more.

I'm excited about meeting Nicola on Friday. She will be my first human contact after so very long! HAHA!!! And I am even more excited for OCF because Aunty Marrilyn is here! And she's speaking on Friday!!! I love it when she speaks... she's just such an inspiring, lovable and wise woman!

I'm supposed to go to an interview tomorrow but I turned it down purely because I didn't think the job was what I wanted as it is a permanent part-time job with only 1 day per fortnight and I cannot quit this job if I get a full-time job coz I definitely will still keep on searching for a job even if I get this one. Even Andrew laughed at me... grr... so much for being supportive!

And I'm currently doing a MYOB certificate at Tafe. I have a great teacher who is so so patient! Well, I just hope this will increase my chance in getting employed! Speaking of which, I've already had three (unsuccessful) interviews. Is it frustrating? Yes. Definitely. I remember coming home from my last interview, exhausted, upset and stressed out. And all I wanted was to dive into a hole and live in there forever or stuffed myself with chocolates. But, I am grateful for the thoughtful people who asked me how it went and all and just encouraged me to not give up!

I am happy despite all. I'm grateful for this unexplainable joy and peace from God. It's what I really needed right now!

I'm such a sucker for weddings... This is so bloody beautiful and oh, Alex's vows are so true and honest! It is so heartwarming since Alex is known as the "playboy doctor" in Grey's Anatomy and seeing how he readily commits to Izzie! And how about Meredith giving up her wedding day to a cancer-fighting Izzie! Simply awesome friendship there! *sobs* Grey's never fail to deliver a meaningful scene!

On a side note, I had a conversation with mum about weddings...
Mum: When u get married, let's have a garden wedding! Oh, and let's not invite all those meddling aunties!
Me: O_O Um... maybe find someone who wants to marry me first!

Mini hint to me to faster get a bf!

I went to my first ever job interview on Monday and sadly, it was not a success. They liked me but later on found someone better. I was this close!

What can I say? I am Crushed. Disappointed. Shattered. Frustrated.

:(

I think I died a bit inside. Nicola said maybe the job wasn't meant for me. But, I don't know. No one will ever know if it was meant for me or not. My mum tried to comfort me and said there will be better jobs out there but this job was prefect. I couldn't find anything to dislike or hate!

But, oh wells. I should keep searching. I guess this is a start. First interview is always a start to more interviews. I need to trust God more. He closes this door and I need to trust him to open up more doors. No matter how hopeless the situation is I need to trust in his faithfulness and believe because there's only so much we, puny humans can do. After that, I read up James. I love the book of James. Occasionally, I would just lie in bed and read it. It gives me so much comfort and hope and just that little bit of strength to get over myself and get up and get moving.

I especially like this verse. James 1:12 : "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." This verse has definitely helped me throughout this year and helped me to not give up and continue fighting when faced with disappointment and fear.

It's winter here in Melbourne. It is also a wintery stage in my life. My life has come to a mundane stop with not much progress as of yet. It definitely is a period where I evaluate and plan ahead and search in myself God's will for me. As I wait, I will choose to get closer to God. I will honour God this way. While I wait for the right job and the right guy, I will choose to look to God for guidance and strength coz right now all I need is strength and perseverance. They say waiting is the hardest. But, I truly believe everything will happen when I'm in the right mindset and I'm in the right way with God. Because there's nothing else I would rather do than wait. It's all I've got, to humble down and wait at His feet. I realised that all through the waiting, I've unknowingly become bitter with myself and with God and with everyone around me. Instead of seeking and turning to God, I've unconsciously turned away. And as a result, it has made myself worst than bitter. The Lord has promised good to those who love Him. I guess I have to search in my heart to love Him more and honour Him with everything I've got. I will come out stronger than before. I need to trust in Him more and believe in His almighty plan.

One of my good girlfriends just started a relationship with a non-christian. I think she is making a BIG mistake. Before they got together, she was telling me how amazing this guy is and how honest he is about everything and how different he is compared to other guys. And then I asked her the crucial question: Is he a Christian??? And she replied with a no. I immediately advised her to thread carefully and told her nicely that being involved with a non-christian is never going to end well. After that, I was half hoping that things will die down and nothing will happen.

However, several weeks later, she told me that she decided to call him her boyfriend. Seeing how excited she is, I decided to keep my opinions to myself. She said that this is just dating, nothing biggie!! But, oh, nothing biggie??? I was this close to blurting out and going on a preaching rampage! JUST dating?? What's gonna happen in the long-run? Do u see yourself marrying this person? Call me old-fashioned and traditional but I truly believe a relationship should be based on the idea that eventually later on down the track you would marry each other!

But, I kept it to myself. Deep down, I fear for her.

She says he is open to God and Christianity. So what? Still makes no difference! Do u want to spend your whole life trying to convert this guy and if u can't convert him, what are u going to do? The only way is to end the relationship! What are the chances of him turning to Christ? I am not trying to say this is impossible! But, it is just risky to have a strong attachment both emotionally and physically with a person that has yet come to know Christ. I mean... its going to end bad and you and I know that from the start! And you're gonna end up hurting each other!! All through the relationship, you are always going to have the thought of "he's not a Christian" at the back of your head and are u going to ignore that and pretend everything's okay???

Relationships like these are risky and dangerous. It's great that he's nice, caring and a good person but spiritual support is very important in a Godly relationship. I mean... I would love to pray together with my boyfriend and talk about God, sermons and scriptures with him. But, I'm not here to judge. I'm sure she has heard enough from other people and I'm sure she has measured up the good and bad before coming to a final conclusion. May love prevails over all!