Expecting a Miracle : Merry Christmas to Us!

Our story is not packed with the usual surprises. I always expected (and wanted) to be able to make "surprise" announcements to Clint, my family, my friends, and everyone. I still (sort of) got to do that, but it wasn't anything like I expected.

I'll try not to spend too much time talking about IVF and "unexplained infertility" and subject you all to that ocean of emotion (but it's kind of hard to separate that aspect from everything else). This is a story of unexpected surprises. (As opposed to expected ones, of course). I tried to limit it to 10. :)

Surprise #1: Three Years

Perhaps the most shocking and unwelcome surprise was that we didn't get pregnant after just a couple months of trying or even after a couple years of tests and treatments. Most couples (we were no exception) have some sort of plan for "fall in love, get married, have babies, live happily ever after, etc..." It's a big blow when that doesn't pan out.

Surprise #2: Sweet Moments

Despite the difficulties, Clint and I both found that we were amazingly resilient, and even optimistic. We've both admitted that we can't take credit for being strong...heaven blessed us. When we had a really bad day, it was like we realized, "Wow, we really have been doing okay the past few days." Even though we felt run-down pretty much all the time, we also felt a lot of gratitude for each other and grew closer together.

Surprise #3: Amazing Friends and Family

It's amazing how once you do start reaching out to people and saying, "I'm struggling with something," some people turn into angels who can't help but show you they care. A few amazing souls even reached out to me before I found the guts to say anything (I'm extremely introverted).

There's more people out there than I realized who have struggled with infertility at some level or another and we felt their sympathy and prayers. I would never have been able to understand the depth of emotion that accompanies infertility if I didn't go through it myself. And yet, some people (like my baby sister) somehow knew just the exact moment when I didn't need any words, just a hug (crying just thinking about it).

Surprise #4: Doctors and Drugs 

We started seeing a specialist in the summer of 2012. I was amazed at the compassion I felt from the doctors and nurses. Last Christmas Eve, I had to go in for a treatment on Christmas Eve morning and tried to joke with the doctor (feeling insecure generally prompts me to do this) and I said something about how he "got the short end of the stick" since he had to work on Christmas Eve. His sincere response was that he would rather be here than anywhere else and he loved helping people with their dreams on Christmas Eve (darn him for making me cry in front of him).

So for about a year and a half there, I was consistently taking more drugs and hormones than my body had ever experienced simultaneously before in my life.The hardest part was giving myself shots (it didn't hurt THAT much, but I'm kind of a baby). In September of 2013 when we started the IVF process, I was on a cocktail of various drugs, shots, and hormones that I can't even remember. If my emotions hadn't already been jacked up over the past couple of years, I'm sure people would have wondered if I had gone a bit loco.

Surprise #5: My (First) IV and Bed Rest Experience

One Friday in September, Clint went with me to do what was the scariest part of IVF. I got my first IV (and spurted quite a bit of blood after the nurse's first attempt. Had a bruise on my hand for a week after.) Shortly after, I went "under" while the doctors retrieved my eggs. I spent a day or so on bed rest. It was kinda nice to have an excuse to sit at home, although I couldn't move much at all, I was sore, I was a bit drugged up, and I was not really able to paint my nails or do anything else fun. Getting flowers and meals was pretty sweet, though! :)

Surprise #6: A Song

The next Wednesday after the Friday egg retrieval, our great doctor "transferred" 2 of the embryos back into me. That gave us about a 30% chance of twins, 60% chance of having one baby. Best chance we'd ever had.

After the transfer, Clint sat with me (I couldn't move for at least 30 minutes) and there was soft music in the room. "Somewhere over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole started playing and suddenly Clint and I both thought, "It's gonna be okay." We just...knew. The nurses took me out to the car in a wheelchair (weird) and I spent the next 3 days on bed rest.

Surprise #7: Two Phone Calls

Two weeks later, on a Monday morning, we went in for a blood test. I went to work expecting a call from the nurse some time in the afternoon. Talk about nerve-racking! At first I thought, "There is no way I am going to answer that call at work." What if it was bad news? I would want to crawl into a hole and cry. And not at work. And if it was good news? Well, I would still be pretty distracted. Clint said he would be just as distracted not knowing and he would rather just KNOW.

I was sitting at work, trying to think and not think at the same time, when my phone buzzed. It was the doctor's office, and...I just HAD to answer it. I couldn't not answer it. So I picked it up and ran outside as fast as I could. The nurse's first words (bless her wonderful heart) were, "So I have some good news for you." And of course there was no stopping my tears from that moment on. She said that my numbers said I was definitely pregnant. I would go in two days later just to confirm that those numbers were going up like they should. (I looked it up, she was referring to HCG levels). I hung up with the nurse and called Clint. I think I gave him a heart attack because he could tell I was crying before I got any words out. When I finally got the words out, we both cried. I never imagined I would share that moment with Clint over the phone, but I knew he wanted to find out right away, and I couldn't wait till we were both home.

Surprise #8: A Heartbeat

We got lucky again when Dr. Peterson did a 6-week ultrasound and we heard the precious little heartbeat...yes, even at 6 weeks. Such a magical sound from something no bigger than a grain of rice! If not for that little miracle, I would have doubted I was really pregnant because I didn't feel a thing.

Surprise #9: Announcements

If I had gotten pregnant in the "usual" way, I probably would have waited until I started showing before saying anything to anyone besides Clint. As it was, several friends and family members knew what we were going through and were understandably anxious for us, so they were expecting the word. We tried to tell our immediate families that "results were inconclusive" for a few days before we could break the news the way we wanted. I had fun painting pumpkins (in the picture) with the due date: 06/2014. Everyone loved it. And it was yet another Halloween miracle for this spook-loving girl.

I think we have enjoyed sharing the news to family and friends in person even more than we would have had we not traveled this road. Their tears and their exclamations of joy mean that much more when they have also seen the opposite side of the coin.

Surprise #10: Feeling Great

15 weeks and going strong!! 

Like I said, I had a hard time feeling pregnant at first even though I couldn't exactly doubt the nurse's word. Thanks, Mom! for passing on some gene that means I didn't get sick or nauseous or anything besides minor discomforts (Clint, stop laughing at my bodily functions)! According to every doctor I've seen recently, I'm fit as can be. I said "yes sir" when my IVF doctor told me months ago to set aside running for a while, but I am doing my best to stay physically fit for Baby's sake in other ways. It was hard to give up running (I'm hoping my body will remember how after a year's break). Really. It was. But some sacrifices are worth making.

Saying goodbye to some sweet friends

I have worked with the Young Women in my neighborhood for nearly 4 years now. Yesterday I was released from my position. I had known for about a week that I was going to be officially released, and I have cried every day since. I know I'll be okay and I'll still get to work with the youth in my neighborhood quite a bit, but it's still hard. 

You have to understand several things about the Young Women in our ward. They are amazing. They make their leaders look good. They are sweet, kind, happy girls and I have never detected anything like a clique among them. They are responsible and smart, and they have taught me way more than I could have hoped to teach them. 

I spent most of my time working with the Beehives, the 12- and 13-year-olds, though I have a soft spot for everyone age 12-18. The Beehives are the sweetest people. Always happy to show up at church activities, always happy to see me, and never seeing my mistakes. I have loved being with them every Sunday and every Wednesday night, and I am simply going to miss them. 

Wednesday nights are going to be lonely. Clint is back in school and has class from 6-10 on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, so I will not see him on those days at all. I may spend the next several Wednesday nights crying and missing my sweet girls. I don't know how long it will take for me to stop feeling super sad about it. 

I know the Lord has a plan for me. He knew the best place for me to be for these past several years was with the Young Women, and maybe for the next little while, the best thing for me is to spend more time at home. I don't know everything yet, but I'm gonna get through it.

I wonder what would happen

if I started spontaneously dancing in public?

Grateful diary: the number 6

6

Times we have hiked Mt Olympus together

Episodes in my favorite Pride & Prejudice movie

New DVD's we acquired last Christmas

The number on the back of Clint's high school football jersey

How many times Clint tells me he loves me every day

Years we have been married on July 26th.

Aren't we a couple of goofballs? 

Happy Anniversary to Us!

The number 6 seems so much bigger than 5, somehow. And yet it still feels like a blink.

Everything has not gone how we expected or even how we hoped, but in my mind, our struggles have only made us better. Closer. More dedicated to each other. It's easy to be happy when everything goes your way and you get just what you want when you want it. But when you don't have everything you want, your happiness zeroes in on those things you do have. The people you love more than anything else. That one person you live with and are grateful for every day. And you realize, "If I never get anything else I want in this life, he will be more than enough to make the rest of this life blissful."

And when I say "you," I really mean me, of course.

I don't pretend that this life is perfect, because this life was never meant to be perfect. But I'm blessed to go through this life with a man who takes care of me and loves me and whom I just adore. It's been a lightning-fast, wonderful 6 years and I can't wait to see what adventures are waiting for us. I love you, Clint! Thanks for being the reason behind my smile.

My brother is home from Paraguay!

It's amazing how fast 2 years goes by. He was gone for 100 weeks and received almost as many emails from me, and now that he's back it almost feels like 100 weeks shrunk into 1.

Wasn't it just last week that we dropped Kenny off at the MTC? I remember so clearly saying our quickie goodbyes before he left us standing at the curb in a state of shock. Then we went to the Pizza Factory and all his sisters broke into spontaneous sobbing when the hostess asked us "how many" and we realized our number was no longer 8...it was 7. I guess saying it aloud broke the spell of shock. 

Well, 2 years and 100 emails later, our number is now 10 and it's Kenny's turn to be in shock (in no way implying that he did not experience moments of shock away from home, of course!) He has 2 awesome new brothers-in-law whom he never met before, a 15-year-old sister who turned into a babe (Jenni was always a beautiful girl, but you know what i mean), and a fast-approaching school year ahead.

I've seen missionaries come home before, but somehow it's a bit more poignant with my own goofball of a brother. He's the same old Kenny...but he's not. He's taller, but skinnier. He's happier, but more serious. We were close before he left, but somehow closer now. He's like a more amazing version of himself. Kenny, the newest edition!

I just can't stop saying how proud I am of him! His testimony is inspiring and so is his 2-year legacy of honest, straight-up hard work.

I can't wait for more fun times with a family that just feels more complete now! Welcome home, bro! Strong side!!

Annual Summer Cabin Trip

Hi everybody!

Time for my once-in-a-blue-moon blog post. 

I thought I would share a few pictures from our recent family trip to the cabin (my mom's side of the family). It is absolutely beautiful up the Weber Canyon. It feels like stepping out of reality and into a dream.

Clint and I took a walk one evening to the "Big Spring" where you can drink fresh mountain water almost exactly where the water comes out of the mountain. BEST. WATER. IN. THE. WORLD. We took a picture on the bridge over the Weber River on our way to the spring:

We went on a hike up the ridge behind the cabin one day. Clint's a hiking fool and he sort of initiated the whole thing. Once you get up high enough, above the firebreaker roads, you run into this massive grove of aspen trees. It was amazing.

Clint with our "minions" (a bunch of my cute cousins who took to following us on the trail. My youngest sister included.)

This one is on the road next to the cabin. This was just another beautiful evening up in the canyon and Clint and I took a little walk down the road to scope out some of the other cabin dwellings.

It sounds like we did a lot of walking, which I guess we did, but the main event up at the cabin is...BADMINTON!!! I played all night, every night with my cousins, sisters, uncles, parents, and the entire clan. Badminton is like the most underrated sport ever. So fun.

Why haven't I been sleeping well?

I've traced it, and I think I've figured it out.

My office chair.

I started sleeping light back in October and noticing that I would wake up sore and achy in my lower back. Not pleasant. I thought, "What is this? Am I aging?" Heaven forbid, and other curse words.

Well, that was about the same time I started my new job. Originally I thought my chair looked great. Nicer than the standard office chairs that everyone around me had. But not great support for my lower back. I think I have a bit of a deeper curve to my lower back than the average worker. So it was a problem.

First, I tried this:

It seemed to help. Plus I liked the sassy zebra vibe. But I like to use it at home, too. I've never been one of those organized people who remembers to take vital things with me wherever I go. Every time I forget to take this little donut to work... back problems the next morning.

Finally, I got this lower back mesh support thingy from Target. And it's staying on the back of my office chair. 

Today's my first day using it. But I can already tell this is going to be the start of a long and beautiful relationship. Ah, relief.

What else have I learned? That you never know how much easier it is to wake up at 5 in the morning when you get a good sleep and wake up without aches, then when you don't.

Yes, I do frequently imagine dragons.

I'm crazy about these guys. Imagine Dragons.

And there's more than 1 reason why Night Visions is the most played album on my ipod right now.

• First of all, I am still missing most of my music from our hard drive crash months ago because I haven't had the guts to cough up 500 bucks to recover the files (will eventually)
• Second of all, have you heard "It's Time"? If you have, you wouldn't even need to ask.
• Third, "Radioactive." Speaks for itself.
• It's great music to accompany writing a book about a spell trapping people in a time capsule
• Fortunately for me, my baby sister also loves the album and I get to act like a teenager again as we try to play ping pong and dance in the basement at the same time. My moves are atrocious and no you cannot ever...EVER... see them.
• These songs are also quite good work-out tunes
• There's a sort of mystical, yearning, lively, in-your-face quality to their sound that just... speaks to my soul
• And finally, it MUST be said that Clint and I - thank you very much - heard these guys long before anyone cranked them up on the radio. That's right, we saw them at a little venue called...The Venue in Provo when it was just something like 10 bucks a pop. They rocked our world and I will never stop kicking myself for not buying every album they sold at that event. 

Never stop imagining! Heh heh.

a new career chapter for me

It may seem too early to tell, but I am already super glad I left my old job for my new one at OrangeSoda. Sounds like an obvious statement, but I did have my doubts in the interim. I was unemployed for several weeks before getting a job offer, after all. And this was after going back to at least 3 companies for a 2nd interview! Job searching blows!!!

But I finally feel like I may be at a place where work doesn't have to suck. Where it can actually be fun. Trust me, I know how rare it is for someone to be able to make a claim like that. Since starting my working life back in high school at the bottom of the food chain with first a newspaper route and then as a server, I have never thought that work was fun. And that's just life. 

I don't expect that I'll think work is fun every day. I'm not that naive. But the facts that these people are almost as enthusiastic about Halloween as I am and that they encourage employees to take breaks in the community ping pong table room are enough to give me high hopes.

Talking about work is boring, I know. But this has been occupying my mind for, like, a really long time now. So here are some things I've learned to appreciate during my quest for career nirvana. At my new company:

• They value people and employees. That's a good sign. I used to take that for granted.
• They're excited to brag about their benefits & compensation rather being secretive about it.
• The interviewing and hiring process is organized.
• They recognized that it was also in their best interest to make me feel comfortable during interviews and etc.
• I've already been introduced to a gazillion people.
• They have a "work hard, play hard" mentality that makes its employees happy! Imagine.
• They are flexible with scheduling and time off.
• People are just nice. Everyone I've talked to has been friendly and happy. No negative vibes.
• They are expanding and expecting to move to a larger building within the next year.
• It's my first week and they've already made me feel like they want me to stick around.

Here's to hoping I'll be here for a long time. I don't want to job hunt again any time soon. Actually, when it comes to job hunting and I, "we-ee are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together."

2 sisters married

It is sooooo..... FUNNNNN.... to have 2 other sisters besides myself married. Seriously, it's been a blast.

What a blessing it is that they each found a great guy who jives well with the fam. They are fun, adventurous, kind, and a bit goofy. Which you have to be if you're gonna jive well with these wackies.

I've loved it. And Clint too. Since my brother left on the mish, Clint has been the only dude at family gatherings besides my pops. And now he's had 2 other dudes to be buddy bud with.

Needless to say, family four-square and badminton and basketball will never be the same again. It's at a whole new level, I'm telling you!!! But so fun. And I am happy to say that I did actually win a round of Lightning (Tornado, Tsunami, Spit, etc) against even all of the guys. So ha. Take that.

And I got to have some special sister moments too.

Don't have any of the pics ready right now due to the recent hard drive crash (GRRRRRR!!!! I won't be over THAT until I get my files BACK already), but here are some of my favorite moments:

1. Posing with the cardboard cut-out of my missionary brother (in Paraguay) at the weddings
2. Doing my sisters' hair and make-up (both sisters) for their bridals and their actual wedding day (both events)
3. Posing in "all-sister" shots at the temple in cute, matchy outfits. Seriously, some of those pics of all of us (posted on facebook) are time. less.
4. Hugging my sisters and their brand new husbands in the temple right after the marriage ceremony. Giving those guys a huge old hug and saying "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you" have been some of the sincerest moments of my life
5. Noticing that my parents are a bit more... willing? aggressive? assertive?... about getting the family together now that there's more than just 1 daughter (ahem) not living at home
6. Allie's husband Cameron taking to Clint like a puppy-dog to a frisbee thrower. Clint loves having a disciple of his same mind. Clint and Cameron are so similar -sports-loving, practical-minded, conservative with money, chick-flick-eschewing, etc - and any time my parents invite us to do something, they always say that Cameron asked whether Clint was coming. The side bonus for me is that I get to hang with my sister Allie more :)

As for least favorite moments... the 2nd sister to get married, Liz, moved to Nevada with her husband Mark right after the honeymoon and I miss my Bizzer (there's a long story behind that nickname somewhere but I don't remember it.) I miss both of them obviously, but Bizzer was always my willing toe-nail-painting-chick-flick-watching-girls-night-in buddy. Still happy for them to be starting their own cute little family in Nevada while Mark starts school. Of course.

It's so special to see my family change like this. It's just really... really.... REALLY...

FUN.