Lately I've been trying to understand what could possibly keep a mother from her child. There aren't to many reasons that I can come up with. I didn't carry Felix for 9 LONG months and plan for his delivery. I didn't feel him move inside me or hear his first cry. But after 9 short weeks...He is mine. I am so in love. I could compare my love for him to that of my biological children. In my heart he is mine...until 'they' tell me otherwise. I am unable to grasp how a drug could make you feel SO good that you forget you have a child. I know that it can be over at any minute. It started with a phone call and it will end with one too. But I am at peace knowing that God loves Felix infinitely MORE than I EVER could. Felix was HIS before he was ever mine.

So I think we need to come up with an internet name for this baby boy so I don't have to keep typing "baby boy". I think that Felix is a good name because my 4 year old thinks that he should be called this anyway. SO, it seems that Felix's grandfather is calling the caseworker quite often. I think that if he was so intent on having Felix placed with him that he should get in his car and drive the 5 hours and come see him. It has also come to light that Felix's grandmother wants him too...but not for herself. She wants him for someone else. This world is screwed up! So the reality of Felix leaving really set in last night. I can't imagine him leaving but as I've said before I know that God has a plan. Both of these grandparents would have to meet certain standards provided by the state in order to have Felix live with them. Many things have to be in order. Health, finances, and their criminal histories have to be crystal clear. I am really having to dig deep for faith to get me through this. My 'plan' to 'fix' this is by talking to the caseworker and asking her to go to bio mom and tell her that we are really enjoying having the baby here and he's doing really well settling in. If he goes to live with either of the grandparents she will not have visits with him. (Not that she comes to visits anyway!) I think by asking her this we might ensure him staying here and if he's here for 12 months we gain just as much right as a grandparent. So in a way I am kind of being selfish. I just can't see him going to live with a grandfather who's probably older and not ready to deal with all the issues a newborn baby brings. Reflux, getting up at night, inconsolable crying, diaper rash...the list could go on and on. Felix is a wonderful baby. I'm sure if his grandfather is fighting this hard to get him he's aware of the sleepless nights and the spitting up. New health issues have come up with Felix. I wonder if grandfather would still be willing if he knew. As you can tell I am SO impatient. It's impossible for me to sit back and wait and see what happens. More soon...

Still a little amazed every time I look at this sweet baby boy. If I were to blog all of the events leading up to the phone call that brought him to us I think you'd be in awe. I still am. In my human mind I look at this whole situation and think that he HAS to be 'the one' that's meant to be our son. But I know that God is SO much bigger and very aware of my hopes and dreams. Sometimes I feel as if I'm reaching for the impossible. But then reality sets back in and I realize that my days are a little bit brighter and I smile a little more often...and then it doesn't really matter about the future because he's here now.

Update: Baby boy is well and growing. My sweet preemie boy is now over 7 pounds! He is definitely recognizing our voices and is soothed to sleep or comforted by singing or music. He adapts easily to new things and is easy going even with reflux. The 1st question EVERYONE asks me is about his sleeping. He sleeps well during the day and at night he is up every 3 hours. For those of you who know me...I run on VERY little sleep and even though the sleep I DO get IS interrupted...I am enjoying every minute with him. After Baby 'C' left I was unsure if we'd ever have the chance to 'mother a baby' again. So this time around I am 'sparing NO expense' and taking NOTHING for granted. If there is something that I have wanted (within reason) I will buy it for him. If this is the last chance I get I don't want to have ANY regrets. He is a wonderful addition to this family and hopefully...permanent.