Have you ever looked back on your life and realized where certain chapters started and others ended? I usually call them 'seasons'. Like the time I was hanging out with some friends...carefree. The only decision I had to make was what clothes I would put on that morning. Fast forward a few years. Times change. How about the time...hmmm, I was leading the children's choir at church and found out I was pregnant. Not married, living at home, 21 and pregnant. The biggest decision then was "do I get married or...not?!". Big decision!...HUGE! I was a single mother for 20 months...then marriage came. It was only 2 years later that the biggest decisions were what bills to pay. Life sure wasn't easy but we were together...that was all that mattered. 3 years later the decision that kept us BOTH awake at night was do we move to be closer to his job or stay and let him commute. We moved. Different chapters. It makes sense when you look back and try to understand why you had to endure the pain. Something had to happen for you to grow. Seasons.



Even now as I look back and can identify certain beginnings and ends...I realize one thing. While you're going through it you rarely take the time to embrace the situation. I went into 'survival mode'. Doing enough to make sure I could get through the day. I never thought ahead or about how my decisions would impact others. I just made it through the day and looked forward to tomorrow...where hopefully the rain would be gone, the sun would be shining and the fears I had yesterday would be gone. Right now, a HUGE chapter of our life is coming to an end. I don't know if I'm embracing it the way I should be or if I'm learning all I should...but I know it hurts like hell. With my sweet Daisy leaving very soon I've been trying to embrace the decision that I've made. No matter how I look at it I still don't think I'm strong enough to let her go. It's killing me to know she won't be sleeping down the hall. There will be an empty space at the table where her high chair should be. Her giggles will still be loud...but in someone else's house. Her smile will still outshine the sun...but only for someone else. A chapter is coming to an end but the harder I try to embrace it...the more the tears come...

And I really don't like to cry.

Change. The next few weeks will definitely be different around here. I know that in order for a tree to bloom it needs to loose it's leaves. Seasons. It seems that this season with our sweet Daisy will soon come to an end. DSS has found her a family. I am so excited for her but it is so bittersweet. Right now, to get through each day, all I can do is pray that God shows me a piece of the bigger picture. If what I'm doing will truly make a difference...it will be worth it. When Baby 'C' left us in April of 2007 the girls were too young to understand why but old enough to say goodbye. Now, here we are almost 2 years later and they're asking we why we can't keep her. The words taste like vomit coming out of my mouth but it's because we want boys. Selfish. She is a perfectly healthy baby girl without the 'right' parts. So we're giving her up. Selfish. All because I want a boy. But then the voice of reason sets in. She is not 'the one' for us. She was placed here at this point in time to get the love and sense of belonging that she needed to one day thrive WITH HER FOREVER FAMILY. We did that. There's the bigger picture. I know God's grace is on this house during this time of transition. I feel it. I know something bigger is coming. I'll wait. However long.

Daisy's new family is wonderful! It looks like transition will go well. She was a bit reserved with her smiles and she was extremely shy but I am very hopeful! I know that once they get her into their home and I'm out of sight...she'll be the happy Daisy we know she is.

More soon...

1st visit this week went well...although Daisy DID show signs of being EXTREMELY angry with me when I picked her up. I did not supervise the visit...but I spoke to the caseworker and he said although she was still a bit tired (probably from the flu) she played and interacted. The caseworker also told me that the (possible) forever family wants to do a respite weekend. I tried to explain that I think it would NOT be in Daisy's best interest to be dropped off at someones doorstep for an overnight without meeting them first. Since I do not work outside the home she is RARELY left with anyone (maybe 4 times since she was placed with us) and it would most likely freak her out to be dropped off with someone for an overnight to 'bond'. (Here is a PERFECT example of what DSS thinks is perfectly acceptable!) So. Tomorrow is another visit and my (Holy @*%#@) 100th post!! So. Give me the night to come up with something worthy of a 100th blog post and I'm sure after I supervise the visit I'll have stories to tell. Don't I ALWAYS?!?!? :)



The visit today went well. I supervised (if you can call it that!). Psycho Chick and Bio dad did well. We spent most of our time outside so Daisy was MUCH more comfortable and was talking up a storm. I have to admit, I kept looking at the clock because there wasn't much interacting on their part. But it's over. Daisy is napping. I'm sure she'll sleep good.



Now for the good stuff...Ok. I'm a bit amazed that this blog has made it to 100 posts. I guess I have a lot to say. :)



I have finally heard from Daisy's new family. They left a message and I'll return their call later tonight! I'm glad they got in touch. I was beginning to wonder what would happen if they decided against meeting her. It's been very bittersweet. I am so excited for her to finally have some permanency but we'll miss her so much. I know that she'll be ok. I feel that she is finally at the place where she'll bond with them and hopefully she won't remember her time with us. I hope her earliest memories are always of her new family! She has changed so much from the reserved 7 month old we brought home 11 months ago. She was always watching and waiting...she would never smile or actively play. Now...there's always a song on her lips and she's quick to yell "stop" or "no". Although I don't like these words coming out of her mouth...it shows how much she's grown while here. She's finally normal. You see, all kids around this age use the word 'no'...(right!?!?) She walks, she talks...she's healthy! That is our goal as foster parents. To get these children...from where they are...to where they're supposed to be. I think we've accomplished our goal with Daisy!



For a while I was thinking that having her here was taking us off the path of getting us to where WE wanted to be. We started fostering to adopt a son. A boy. Blue....to add to this VERY pink house. We love our 4 daughters very much. They are our princesses. Our pride and joy. But there has been something missing. A piece that we need to complete our family. A boy.I have had the desire to foster (and adopt) since I was a child. I remember hearing stories of my grandmother who was also a foster parent. The Depression was a hard time on everyone so my grandmother used to foster to help bring in extra money. But she quickly got attached and hoped to adopt the baby girl she fostered. Back in those days it was not allowed. I heard stories of how hard it was to give these babies back (sometimes with no warning). As I got older and realized the need...the decision was made then. I would be a foster parent. I know it doesn't carry the most glamorous stigma (especially with 4 children of my own...we look like a traveling circus!) But it was my heart's desire nonetheless. I have heard everything from "the check must be good" to "she's so lucky". I will be totally honest. It is not the most rewarding job when you hear what some of these children have gone through or have to go back to. It breaks my heart to know that for the first almost 7 months, Daisy was not nurtured. Only her basic needs were met. But knowing that I can make a difference in her life (if even for a short time)...THIS is why we continue. Holding my sweet Felix, I was able to glimpse the feeling of completeness for our family. No, I did not stray from the path by taking my sweet Daisy. I know that God himself has been holding my hand and walking along side me. It hasn't been easy. But HE didn't promise that it would be easy. HE just promised He'd be there to walk with us. God has us on the path HE chose for us. Where ever it may lead...we're willing to go. I pray that it brings us to our 'complete' soon. (VERY SOON!) I know we're doing the right thing. So. That, my friends, was my 100th post. Daisy has possible found her forever family and I made it to 100! Wow. What a day...

We cancelled this weeks visit due to scheduling conflicts. Next week there will be 2 visits. Poor thing!

My sweet Daisy has the flu. She is congested and lethargic. Hopefully we get more sleep than last night. I wish I had more to report on her forever family. I have heard NOTHING!! I'm a bit shocked that the prospective family has not come knocking on my door to see her but then...I thought that maybe they don't even know yet. If DSS were to give me 'the call' I've been waiting for I'd be on his doorstep as soon as possible. So...I've run through every possibility in my mind and the best I can come up with is...maybe they just don't know yet. Daisy will celebrate her 18 month birthday soon. For her sake I hope this is soon. We will miss her...but I know it's for the best. If only I could hand her over to someone that I know. To a place where I'd be able to hear about how she's doing. Ok, back to reality...More updates soon...

It's crazy how things turn out... Especially when it's the way you'd least expect it. I put another call in today to the supervisor at DSS. I didn't expect to hear back since last time I called was 3 weeks ago and I was still waiting...I digress... My intentions were to touch base and make sure the caseworker knew we were still here and to let her know we were open for another placement. She went on to say that yes...we are on the open list. Her next question was if we were interested in keeping Daisy or not. I really wasn't planning on talking about that just yet. It seems the longer I put that subject off...the less realistic it will be that she is leaving. BUT since we already made our decision, I told her 'no'...as hard as it will be to see her go, we really have the desire to adopt and parent a boy. Without hesitating she told me of who she had in mind as adoptive parents for Daisy...I am a bit in shock over WHO it is... More on that later... It seems that since Daisy's 12 year mark is around the corner they are working on 'concurrent planning' (see...I paid attention in MAPP Class) and even though we've been here stressing about a family for her and her future...God has surely been good.

Anyway...visit went well. Daisy came home very angry with me for leaving her. Knowing what I know now...I am even more optimistic about her future. With today's news...I'm not sure how much longer she'll be with us. So, um, how do I say goodbye?

Time seems to be flying by. The school year is almost over. The snow is gone (FINALLY!) and we're beginning to thaw. I've been told that since April is Child Abuse Prevention Month I should expect the phone to ring. Our 'calls' have been in December so I can't imagine our phone ringing now. Not that I would mind... With the nicer weather I'm starting to go through EVERYTHING and I have this overwhelming desire to purge. I'm deciding whether or not I should get rid of baby things. Mostly to make space and 'let go' of the desire that I have for a son. It's a crazy feeling. When Baby 'C' left us I waited about 6 months to start giving things away. Then we got the call for Felix. I didn't mind shopping for my sweet boy. I actually spared no expense and enjoyed EVERY minute. I have his things neatly packed and stored away waiting to be worn again...hopefully by the little one we can finally call ours. I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I could get the call tomorrow or next year. When do I draw the line??? How long do I wait??? I keep saying I'm not getting any younger. (I'm in my early 30's) I loved being a young mom. When do I finally say I'm done waiting and give up on the desire I've had since I was a child? I've really been struggling lately. The thoughts of discouragement that has gone through my head has kept me up at night. I don't know if I should just let it go. Daisy will eventually be gone. I'm trying desperately to prepare myself now... It won't be easy to pack up her things and send her to a forever family. I really feel it will come to that though. Psycho Chick and Bio dad haven't made enough effort to parent her (in my opinion) according to DSS standards. I have prayed for a family for her since the day she was placed in my arms. I know there's someone out there right now who's praying for a sweet baby girl to love. I don't know how I'll let her go as she's become such a joy to our family. How do other people do it? How do you hand over a piece of your heart to someone else... You can only give so much of your heart away until there's nothing left. When Baby "C' left us I didn't hear anything about him or see him for months. There was a huge sigh of relief when I finally saw him with his adoptive family. I knew letting him go was the best decision I could have ever made for him. As hard as it was... I had no choice with Felix. People ask me how I let him go... I still don't know. But he will always have a huge piece of my heart. We've been on the 'open' list since September. Not one call. What does it take?? When does this feeling go away???

It's been a long week in our neck of the woods. Of course, thinking about Felix has taken up much of my time. I find myself wondering what he looks like or if he's happy. When he was placed with us my wildest dreams, it seemed, came true. I remember just staring at him for HOURS and thanking God for the opportunity to love on him as if he were our own. It was an amazing feeling carrying this sweet tiny (5 lb) baby BOY from the hospital without having to endure the pain of pregnancy or recovering from surgery. We were blessed. We still are.

Anyway, last weeks visit went well. When I left Daisy with the bios last week for their visit I hoped for the best. She has been very temperamental lately and is really starting to notice when I leave her. I was a bit late picking her up but it wasn't a problem. There were few words exchanged between the caseworker and I (about the visit) but as far as I know...all went well.

This week's visit has been cancelled. Psycho Chick has some issues (you're telling me?!?!) and will be unable to make it. I can't say that I'm upset...I really feel that it's a blessing that Daisy is too young to remember all of this. We have again been confronted with the decision on whether or not we'd like to adopt. Who makes that decision lightly??? I keep saying that God has SOME sense of humor...we started out on this journey to adopt a baby boy. And here we are with a GIRL! I don't know what to do other than pray for clarity. It's such a difficult decision to make.