I had a wonderful time loving on Baby Tulip. She is almost a smaller form of Daisy. Their personalities are similar but their mannerisms are identical. She went back to her foster parents and we'll definitely miss her. My kids are already asking when the next ones are coming...please pray... THEY'RE praying for TRIPLETS!!!! Could you imagine?!?!?! :) I'll start posting the beginning of our journey tomorrow... :)

I lost my grand dad today. At 92, the doctors said he had the health of a 60 year old. He was still dancing 2x a week and enjoying life. He always was quick with a joke and had a warm, contagious smile. Not a day will go by that he won't be in our thoughts or prayers. Rest in Peace Papa...

Baby Tulip is definitely getting (visibly) more comfortable with each passing day. I see my sweet Daisy in her smiles. She 'talks' so much and LOVES eye contact. It amazes me how independent these babies are. Like they're in survival mode. Although Daisy was older she still had the same mannerisms. Tulip knows EXACTLY what she wants and is so impatient. She cries as if her life depends on it until the bottle is in her mouth. If I try to take her bottle out to burp her...she throws a tantrum. She is a sweet baby. Her smiles are constant and her personality is contagious. I can't help but sit and talk to her. She is extremely engaging. Pretty impressive for a 3 1/2 month old. It will be hard to see her go. I'm hoping to 'network' with her foster mom. Maybe we'll be able to see her again.

On a different note I realize I have not spoken much about the beginning of our foster care journey. There is a reason for this. I started this blog when we got the call for Felix. Prior to that all my posts, to a family blog I began in April of 2006, were stories and pictures of my bio AND foster children. It was password protected and I never though about privacy or anonymity. After our weekend with Tulip I will write a few posts about Baby 'C' and copy and paste from our family blog. Just to fill the time with something productive. I'm sure you are all tired of hearing me whine. I'm kind of tired of hearing it myself. :)
Maybe that will bring you up to speed on our journey.
(And get my mind off of the past few weeks that have been so difficult for me.)

I SO needed to hear this today. McMama learned a life lesson from a GPS. Check it out...

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/05/life-lessons-learned-from-navigation.html

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Lynee, Thank you for your honesty. Your words have been ringing in my ears for the past 24 hours. You are the kind of friend I try to be...honest and straight forward!!! :)

Baby Tulip had a good night. She woke up around 2am to smile and say hello. Then she screamed like a banshee until the bottle was in her mouth. I so enjoy the time I get to spend bonding with these babies... I am an insomniac. 2am is the PERFECT time to bond :)

Baby Tulip is here. I understand a bit more (possibly) why God would choose to hold of on blessing us with boys right now. Sweet Baby Tulip is a bit of a DrAmA QuEEn!!! (A women after my own heart!) I have tried to imagine what she's been through these past few weeks and I would cry too. From her birth mom to a foster mom to daycare to me. A bit much for an infant. She is settled in for the night and I'm looking forward to the rest of the weekend. I have had to keep reminding myself that God makes no mistakes. I'm trying to be ok with that. We lost Daisy. We put our 5 year old dog to sleep 10 days later. Saturday, my grand dad was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer and tonight he just had a major heart attack. I missed a call that I thought I was waiting for (this morning)... Seriously?!?! Can I really take much more of this??? I'm trying hard to trust Him and believe that He is holding me. It's hard to see through my tears....

After a night of tossing and turning, I put my children on the bus and I went back to bed. I turned the ringer off. I turned the ringer OFF. I turned the #%*$&* ringer OFF!! I woke up 3 hours later to not one but TWO messages from D*S*S. A possible placement. I called back only to find that the BOYS had already been placed with another family. Yes. Boys. Plural. I am trying not to get discouraged. I know that God MUST have something better for us. HE HAS TO!!! Yes, they were the EXACT age range that I was hoping for. Siblings...7 months and 20 months... He MUST have something better.... It was an emergency situation that they needed to place them asap...If I had the ringer on....but then, I have to be satisfied in the fact that God makes NO mistakes...right?!?!? I was trying to catch up on sleep. I wanted to get up before my children got off the bus and finish up some last minute cleaning before Baby Tulip came this afternoon. I'm sure He has something better... I opened my email to find a note from Daisy's new family and some pictures of her with Baby 'C'. He's grown SO much. When he was placed with we weren't sure if he's ever walk or talk and now he's thriving with his forever family. So, I will finish my work and look forward to spending my weekend lavishing love on Baby Tulip. Did I mention I turned the ringer off??? Mistake or coincidence?!?!

Sweet Daisy, A year ago today you were placed into my arms and I am speechless at what God has done in your short life. You were born into a world that 'saves the trees' and 'kills the children'. I am sorry that your birth was not a more celebrated day. You spent the first 7 months of your life in a place that, I'm sure, God was with you every minute. He must have been or I don't think you would have survived as long as you did. Then 'the call' was made and in that one moment...your destiny changed forever. First, you were brought here. As I held you in my arms I prayed that God would heal your little heart. We hoped that you still had that capacity to learn to love. We sang and played with you and most importantly... we prayed for your forever family. We were so open to loving you forever but God obviously had a different plan. After 11 months you are finally where God intended you to be. You have a new family. Your little heart is healed and you are with a couple that takes NOTHING for granted. You are loved and cherished. We are so happy for you. A year ago today I was unsure of your future but God has always had you in the palm of HIS hand. Your life has been forever changed for the better. I thank God for giving us the privilege of loving you and I now know you are where you were born to be.

Sweet Daisy, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24

Lately I find myself trying to see the 'bigger picture'... I sit back and watch instead of getting involved or trying to 'help'. Not that I'm being lazy (I SO AM!) but I think it's a good time to re-evaluate and figure out what I really need to be putting 100% of my energy towards. Baby Tulip comes this week. We're ready. After that...I'm not so sure what I'll do... I think my 'walk on this beach' may be coming to an end. I think I'm ok with that.
No more stories. No more D*S*S drama. Just me and my family...living our lives. Finding a way to fill a gigantic hole that maybe just needs some time to heal. Hopefully, in time, the desire will fade and we'll look back to see that this was just a chapter in our lives where we were waiting for something better...only to find we already had all we could ever want.

I have to be honest...I've really been having a hard time lately. I'm struggling with the question of if I'm where I should be in this journey. Sometimes I feel like my heart is not here anymore. Part of me is giving up. I'm trying hard to believe that God will really redeem all that we have lost. I still think of my 'almost baby boy' Felix every day. I can only hope that God would see fit to send us another sweet baby but what if He doesn't?? Does this mean that this journey has been in vain? My desire for a son to complete our family has effected EVERY aspect of my life. I wake up each morning with a renewed hope that 'today's the day'. Each day that passes I break a little bit more. I feel obsessive over a situation in which I have absolutely NO control. When we started this journey we decided to let God decide who HE wanted in this home. Our starfish have been loved and cherished while they were here. Now THEY are all safe and WE are still here...empty. I know God knows my desires. I surrender them to Him daily but I constantly find myself reminding Him of what (I think) I need. I am having a hard time seeing through the storm. I'm in the valley waiting... How long can I wait without giving up all hope? Maybe I've done what I was called to do and our time with 'the system' is done. While I wait for direction...I STILL pray to the God who, I believe, gave me this desire. I pray that if our baby is out there...he finds his way home...into our arms.

My heart...an organ.
My mind...an endless abyss of hopes and dreams for a boy I have yet to meet.
There are so many things I want to do with you.
Praying that God sees us ready...soon. Ready to start our forever.

Baby Tulip's foster mom called me today. She asked if I'll keep her an extra day. Um...yeah!!! I told her I'm really looking forward to having Tulip here. I told her my experience with the family. She did remember me from when we had Buddy. She filled me in on a few details and we spoke for a while. They are really a nice family. I'm glad I can do this for them. Although I don't know what this sweet baby girls outcome will be...I know she'll thrive with this family. More soon...

I am constantly asked WHY I would want to adopt a child if I already have 4. How do I explain a feeling of 'incomplete'? I know our family is not yet ready to move on to our forever. Maybe in the future God will take this unbelievable desire from me....maybe not. Right now...we're doing what we feel is 'our part'...by fostering. When Daisy left, I tried to explain to people that it was eerily quiet in the house without her here. Some people are curious how that could be...we already HAVE 4. I have tried to use the analogy that if you had ONE child and that child went away...would you not sense the difference??? We have 4 completely different children. If you take ONE personality and the mannerisms of that person and rid you house of it...you'll sense the difference. Hence, the reason for the pronounced change in the atmosphere in our home. My house is too quiet...I need MORE...

This was posted on Lynee's blog http://lewisboys.blogspot.com/. It's an excerpt from a book by a woman who is a mom to many...

"I know I'm not solely responsible for the world's children.

Each time we have adopted, we have not done it out of some misguided savior complex

but because we wanted another person to hug at night,

another face at our table,

another little one to teach to talk and walk and ride a bike,

another person to rejoice over as she or he grows and learns.

And yet,

when and if my husband declares that finally...we're 'done'...

whether we care to face it or not...

we are also closing a door in the face of a real living child

waiting somewhere in the world who could be ours.

Call me nuts if you will,

but I'm not ready to close that door.

Not just yet."

--Mary Ostyn, A Sane Woman's Guide to Raising a Large Family

My thoughts...EXACTLY!!!

Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this...her first rock climb. As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens. 'Great', she thought. 'Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry.' She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there. She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying. She prayed for peace and she prayed that she may find her contact lens. When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found. Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth." She thought, 'Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me.'

Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, 'Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?' Well, that would be startling enough...but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!

The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, 'Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You.'

Our family has been through alot lately. Hearing this story has given a different perspective of our trials. 'God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will.'

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)

Yesterday. The phone rang. It was D*S*S. The worker wanted to know if we'd be willing to do respite for a baby girl at the end of the month. Only for a weekend. The conversation went like this...

me---> "Of course...who are her foster parents?"

her--->"oh, Jon and Jane Doe. They'll be going out of town for a long weekend"

me--->"I know them...I did respite for Buddy when they had him."

her--->"Yes. They're good people. This baby is 2 months old."

me--->"really? what's her name?"

her--->"Tulip"

me--->"Seriously??? Tulip??? Is this Daisy's cousin?"

her--->"Yes. This is Daisy's cousin. She came into care this week."

me--->"wow. yeah. definitely. I'll do it."

Now. If you're wondering HOW I knew it was Daisy's baby cousin...she has an EXTREMELY unique name. In fact, when I heard that she was born (through Psycho Chick) I was like...really...they're gonna name this poor innocent baby....THAT!?!?!? So, yes. At the end of the month I have the privilege (and I AM honored!!) to do respite for Tulip. At least I have something to look forward to... :)

OK. I'm back. The last 2 posts were actually typed through my tears (last week) as my fingers found their way through a flooded keyboard. (How's THAT for a run on sentence?!?!) My sweet Daisy has been gone for more than a full week now. The house is back to where is was before she came. As I washed the windows and glass doors I realized that I was probably wiping away the rest of her tiny little fingerprints. I have to be honest...either I'm completely functioning in God's grace or my heart is cold...but I am doing ok. I had a few rough days but overall I am just thankful that I know she is where she is supposed to be. I got an email from her new mom the morning after Daisy left. It went something like this....


Dear former foster parents (she really didn't write this but you get the idea),
We want to thank you for the joy that you have brought into our lives. We can only imagine how hard it was to let Daisy go today. On the day we met her you told us you had been praying that she would find her forever family , we have also been praying for a forever child to cherish and love and when we met her we had no doubt that God had finally answered our prayers. I have longed to be a mother for many years and my husband has always wanted to be a dad someday, but when we couldn't conceive we thought our dream would not come true. but thanks to the loving decision you both made, He and I now have a family. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. ~Daisy's new family



Can I just tell you how excited I was to see that??!? I know she is loved. I know her needs are met. I know she is where she is supposed to be. That helped me 'move on'. But remnants of our sweet girl are still in our every day life. I found some socks in the dryer and the empty car seat still sits in the garage. Some days have been easier than others but...we're ok. I have way too much time on my hands now though. I have read, slept, cleaned and walked. I have shopped, gone for a drive and had lunch out with friends. I think the only time I am truly happy is when I have someone to take care of. Sometimes I think I'd much rather be sleep deprived with overflowing laundry and have a baby in the house.... :) I haven't heard from DSS. I have been told (thanks Lynee) to call DSS and let them know EXACTLY what I want. Although we have 2 openings here...I don't think ANYONE up there would assume we would want twins. But just in case...I'll let them know. Anyway, that's the update here. I've always said there's not much drama in our life without the drama that DSS brings.

I have thought about whether or not I should share this story but I figure it can only add to the testimony of God's faithfulness to our family.

When Daisy came to us (5-08) she was almost 7 months old. She was sent here with 1/2 can of formula, clothes that were out of season and way too small for her. Her infant car seat, on the other hand, was in perfect condition. About 2 weeks after Daisy was settled in here, Psycho Chick asked for the car seat back. (Why? you ask?? For what child did she need a car seat??? I have NO clue) Anyway, I went out and borrowed an infant car seat. I actually had the choice between 3 car seats and I grabbed the closest one. I got it home, cleaned it up and installed it in the car. Over time, I came to the conclusion that IF and WHEN we were placed with a forever baby boy, he would need a brother. My logic was this...our youngest was only 2 when we started fostering. (She'll be 6 this week.) I think that is WAAY too much of an age gap. If we only had ONE boy, the poor thing would most likely wind up in dress-up clothes with a princess wand in his hand. In MY mind, he desperately needed a brother to play trucks and trains with. (It's MY fantasy..a girl can dream...right!?!?!) Anyway, we opened our home for a second placement and decided that if it was God's will for ONE boy (let alone 2)...HE was in control. I started watching a friends kids and since her youngest was younger than Daisy I looked into a double stroller. I had an EXACT price range and it had to be in excellent condition. I found one on Craigs*lis*t. It actually MATCHED the infant seat I already had. It was kind of a freak thing because the print on BOTH the car seat and stroller is no longer being made or sold in stores. I blew the coincidence off. Being the control freak that I am, I decided to make a deal with God. (Not the best idea) SO, I told God this...if it was HIS will for us to welcome 2 boys into this family...HE would have to show me by performing a 'trick' of some sort. This was my 'fleece' if you will. I asked God to provide us with ANOTHER INFANT CAR SEAT with the SAME exact print of the car seat that Daisy had (that matched the stroller). This was somewhat if a difficult possibility. Again...the PRINT IS NO LONGER SOLD IN STORES. It was discontinued a while back. My side of the bargain was this...

1. I could not/would not tell ANYONE what I was looking for.

2. I COULD NOT buy it on E*B*AY or at a yard sale.

3. It had to be given to me.

4. I COULD NOT go LOOKING for it. (I have a bit of control issues and I tend to like to try to 'help God out' sometimes. :)

I figured something of this magnitude could take YEARS for HIM to do. I was willing to wait. We had Daisy. We were content to wait. (We actually had NO choice)

About 2 months later a friend called me to tell me that she was blessed with some baby accessories and clothes for her newborn daughter. She asked me to come over and see if there was anything I needed for Daisy or fostering in general. I went over and went through some things with her. There wasn't much that I needed but on my way out she asked me if I needed a stroller. She told me that I was welcome to it if I liked it. When she opened the garage I almost wet myself. It was the stroller AND INFANT CAR SEAT in the SAME EXACT PRINT. I was BEYOND shocked. Here I am, with 2 MATCHING infant car seats AND the MATCHING double stroller. I just remember looking up and saying..."you're funny God".

SO. I sit here today. Daisy is with her forever family. We have room for 2 placements right now...I say...BRING IT ON! :)

I'm writing this down so I can commit it to memory...

When Daisy came back from her weekend with her new family she was thrilled to be 'home'. It was as if she never left. She was only gone for 2 days. I had already packed up most of her things. I sent them with her when they picked her up. But there were still some remnants of a tiny little blonde girl in our house. Diapers, dolls, tiny socks and puzzles were last to be packed up. She enjoyed the girls company a few moments more before the goodbyes. There were very few tears but still the questions of why. We spent an extra few minutes loving on Daisy before bed. She went down with no fuss.


The next morning the girls asked if they could wake her up and bring her down before they left for school. Of course. The said their last goodbyes and got on the bus. I am so proud of how strong they were. The Dad and I spent our morning loving on her and waiting to make the phone call. Around 9am, I called the caseworker to let him know the weekend had gone well and that her new family was very anxious for the final transition. He proceeded to tell me that he thought next weekend might be a good time to transition her with more meetings with her forever family throughout the week. WHAT?!?!?! As my last grand gesture for our sweet girl I opened my mouth and questioned authority for the first time in my life (ok, so I need a little humor right now...ok?!?!) I asked him why in God's great earth would he give Daisy a TWO night overnight stay only to bring her back and forth all week!!???! I explained that we had already given her new family all of her things and that they were ready. I also explained that my girls had already said their goodbyes and prolonging the inevitable was definitely NOT in Daisy's best interest. He told me he'd call me back. I hung up the phone and a million things ran through my mind. I'd love one more week with her but if it were me in the new mom and dad's position, having to wait another whole week to have her in my arms...I would NOT want to wait another week. Let alone the confusion it would cause sweet Daisy. He called back and told me to go ahead with the transition. We called the new family and told them that we'd meet up with them early afternoon and this worked for them. After one last roam through her room to make sure I didn't forget anything pivotal...we were off. I thought I was ok until we saw them. I composed myself enough to explain med cards and meds, appointments already made and certain special things we sent with her. The Dad got her out of our car and handed her over to the new family. NEVER BEFORE have I seen her do this. She smiled so big for them and actually REACHED OUT for the new dad. I was so ecstatic at that point. I knew we were doing the right thing. It didn't make the tears flow any less. The Dad and I were both bawling as we said our goodbyes. I handed the new mom our email address to keep the lines of communication open (and in hopes they'd send pictures). And that was it. They drove away. We sat in our vehicle crying until there were no more tears. We know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we did the right thing. We know that this had to happen in order for OUR next stepping stone to be laid. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier. Seeing the empty high chair last night sent me over the edge with tears. Our house is too quiet even with only one less child. It makes a HUGE difference. People always say "but you already HAVE 4". Trust me. There's a difference. I am now a firm believer that a quiet, clean house is way overrated.

She's gone...

She's home. She seemed a bit confused when I told her to say goodbye to mommy. :P She looked at me as if I had 10 heads. But once she was in the car she was singing and laughing. She definitely loved coming to what has been her home for the past 11 months. I know they love her and in a week or 2 she won't remember us. I know we've given her the wings she so desperately needed. Please pray for strength for us for tomorrow...I don't know if I can hand her over...to never see her again. I am stressing over pictures. I want to make sure I get some good shots of her for the book we'll keep. She will most likely be gone tomorrow. The girls have said their goodbyes and shed their tears. I know they'll be able to move on. I am still trying to see the bigger picture... The finality of this is breaking me. Making me rethink our decision to foster. Now that it's beginning to affect my girls I need to make sure this is something we can continue to do...I am well aware of the need these tiny starfish have but my girls come first. We feel we have helped Daisy enough to let her move on and her journey with us is quickly coming to an end... I know that God is bigger than the foster system and if it's HIS will for our family to grow...it will happen. I am trying to let go of my dreams to see if God gives us more clarity. It has been a different kind of day without her here but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are doing the right thing. She'll be ok. We will learn once again how to be a family without the high chair at the table. For now...we'll enjoy the company of each other until we are shown the next step...

Even with my girls here...the house is waaaay too quiet. She'll be back tomorrow
but will we be back to normal?!?!

Sweet Daisy. She cried when her new mommy came to the door. She cried when I put her in her new mommy's arms. She screamed when she was strapped into her carseat. And looked at me as if I was breaking her heart when they drove away. Please keep her in your prayers this weekend. Us too. It's not the same around here without her.

This weeks visit went well. Caseworker ran late but finally showed. Daisy transitioned well to Bio dad She wanted nothing to do with Psycho Chick. I snuck out because I had an appointment. When we got there to pick her up she was a bit reserved. She really didn't want to come to me. I think the transition to her new home is confusing her. But she is handling it well. She fell asleep in the car after we went out for lunch. I am in the process of packing up her things for a weekend with her new mommy and daddy. I am holding back the tears trying not to break down. This doesn't seem real. I chose this...why is it so hard???