Sprout is 4 months old.  Too cute for words!!! He is now:

* Singing :)
* mostly in 3-6 month clothes but can still fit into some 0-3
* still uses his pacifier
* wearing size 2 diaper
* smiling a TON!!!
* still on meds for severe reflux
* sleeping {usually} 9:30pm till 6am :)
* napping throughout the day
* loves the B*um*bo chair
* sleeps on his belly
* is visiting 3 hours a week with bio mom
* has only seen his brothers for that one sibling visit
* only on formula
* holding his own bottle [or making HUGE effort]
* rolling from tummy to back
* hands in mouth CONSTANTLY!  Teething!?!?
* loves to smile and is a VERY happy boy!

I was reading about Abraham. {Genesis 22:1-19} I can kind of relate to the whole Abraham and Sarah story.  Waiting for a child...thinking it's impossible...   Anyway, when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, the bible doesn't say if Abraham answered God or if he had any kind of reaction to what told him to do.  He just got up early the next morning, saddled his donkey, took 2 young servants, and split wood for the burnt offering.  It took 3 days for Abraham to find the place that God told him about.  Can you imagine what must have been going through Abraham's mind in those 3 days!?!? I am in tears just thinking about how that kind of loss would affect me.  I would have argued with God and pleaded but it doesn't say WHAT Abraham thought.  Did he trust God from the start?  Did his faith GROW over those 3 days?  Can you imagine what it must have felt like to look at his son for that journey?  It goes on to tell us that when they arrived at the mountain...Abraham told his servants "Stay here with the donkey.  The boy and I are going over to worship; then WE'LL come back to you". 

WE'LL come back to you. 
WE WILL come back to you. 

Abraham KNEW that Isaac would be coming back with him.  He trusted God but KNEW he'd be back with his son.  He had faith in God and His promises.  I need this faith.  I need this trust in God.  I need it. I look at Sprout and only can see the dreams we had for him.  I ask God HOW he could ask me to let him go?  I need to trust that God's plans are much bigger than mine are.  I need to believe this with ALL I have. 
The story goes on to say that Abraham and Isaac went up the mountain and Isaac asked his father "We have flint and wood but where's the sheep for the burnt offering?"  Abraham answered "God will see to it that there's a sheep for the offering".  Abraham built and altar, laid out the wood and tied Isaac down and took up the knife to kill his son. 
In that last moment, and angel of God called out and told Abraham to put the knife down.  You know the rest of the story...  I have read and re-read this over and over again trying to understand how deep Abraham's trust in God must have been.  I know there would have been a battle in my mind because that's what I'm going through now.  Do I trust God enough to let Sprout go!?  Am I only trusting Him in hopes that He won't ask me to let him go?  If Sprout goes home, does that mean God is any less faithful?  Can I still trust Him with my deepest desires, hopes and dreams?  My answer is yes.  I know that His ways are higher than my ways and that even in the storm I am in
{right now}, if I keep my eyes on Him, I KNOW the waves of doubt and disbelief will NOT pull me under. 

I KNOW that He is faithful.
I KNOW that He is trustworthy.   

My Sweet Baby Sprout,

                Yesterday the agency worker came to my house and told me that you're most likely going home.  The day we were approached about taking you, we were told that this was a 'pre-adoptive' placement.  I guess things have changed.  I'm not sure WHY they want to send you home but I know that they are doing everything in their power for you to be re-united with your biological mother.  This is her 3rd round with D*S*S and NOW they are choosing to work with her until you are home.  I don't believe that it's a coincidence.  I truly believe that God is working behind the scenes and it will all work out.  Right now I just know that more than ANYTHING...I need God to give me that 'peace that passes ALL understanding' because my mind is going a trillion miles a minute.  If they send you home you will be an only child.  Both of your brothers are living with other people.  I am sad that I will no longer be able to hold you close and sing to you or watch you light up when you recognize a song.  I will miss hearing you 'sing' as you drink your bottle.  There will be different smells and sounds at her house and I don't know how she'll handle your fits if she forgets your medicine {as she can barley deal with your crying at the visits}.  We brought you home, into our family, thinking that you would one day be our son...OUR little boy.  But it looks like God might have other plans.  I trust Him.  I trust that He will work things out so this whole journey will bring HIM glory.  I know that right now things looks like their IMPOSSIBLE...but God is in the miracle business.  Like that day when I called the agency home finder about when you'd be born and she said your mother had left the county and you'd be brought into care in another county with another family.  I hung up the phone and I heard that still, small voice say "I am BIGGER than a county line!"  It was only 5 days later that the SAME agency home finder called to tell me she needed to have a meeting with me about you and how it would work when we brought you home with US!!! God moved that mountain.  I know He can move this one...  I love you sweet boy.  As if you don't hear it a million times a day.  I trust that God loves you even MORE than I do.  I am scared of losing you.  But only because I don't know what the future holds.  I can only imagine what it would be like if you stayed.  If I think about you leaving there's only darkness...God WILL have His way because I'm surrendering my will to Him.  I want what HE wants...for you AND FOR me!!! These next few months will be hard not knowing but I am going to thank God for EVERYDAY that He has given me to be with you and allowed me to be your 'mom'...even if only temporarily.  He is in control... 

Gotta say some really important things.  Can't say anything here but if you check over here you'll understand why. 

***If you haven't sent a request to view the private blog you can email me at [email protected].  Just tell me who you are and where you're from***

Sometimes, when I look at him sleeping in his crib, I am STILL in AWE that he is here.  I hold him in my arms and breathe him in and  thank God for giving me the opportunity to love him and to have him in our home.  When I see his tiny socks or diapers laying around I remember how good God is.  In my heart I truly WANT to believe that God himself handed this baby to us.  But I can't wrap my head around that.  So for now...I am planning on handing my sweet baby boy over to his biological mother this summer.  I am trying to prepare myself {and my family} for Sprout leaving us.  I would rather be prepared then have the rug pulled out from under us.  Does this mean my faith is gone??  No.  I HAVE TO do this.  I need to mentally tell myself EVERYDAY that he could leave.  This baby boy has been slowly weaving himself into our family from the minute we found out about him a month before he was even born.  He will leave an enormous hole when he leaves.  But I know that God will redeem Sprout's time here.  I don't know when or how but I trust that He will.  His plan is bigger than ours is. 
Some crazy news I can't share on this blog can be found over here.