纪念册

已经快七月了。 身边的同学都已开始写纪念册。我呢？我迟迟不敢。我想过，但我没做。我不是不在乎友谊。而是，在友谊的世界里，我没有安全感。

中四之前，我没有认真地想过友谊。直到中四，不知是幸还是不幸，我被选为PKP2。我很认真地看待我的职责。我要求自己是一个负责任，有办事能力的好领袖。因为这样，我心里开始出现恐惧。我知道，我要做的，是我班上同学不喜欢的。我害怕被孤立，被讨厌。但同时，我不容许自己做一个不负责任的PKP2。一整年，我没有真正开怀过。我无时无刻不在担心同学们在讲我坏话。我试过“一只眼开，一只眼闭”，换来的，是强烈的自责。我讨厌自己不能在两方面之间找到一个平衡点。

最后，我选择逃避。我放弃了许多人梦寐以求的职位，只是希望自己不要再浪费一滴眼泪。

但问题圆满解决了吗？

不知是后遗症，还是天生的个性，我依然没有安全感。你信任的人，未必信任你。被你视为好朋友的人，也许并不怎么喜欢你。我害怕我付出的信任和关心得不到回报。我觉得自己像走在悬崖上，一不小心失足，也没人愿意拉我一把。

曾经有一位朋友面对友情的问题。当时我告诉她：随着你的心走，life is full of serious matters, don’t make friendship one of them.

可惜，我发现自己做不到。一直到今天，在一群朋友堆里，我依然不知道自己的位子到底在哪里。

纪念册？我害怕当我把纪念册交给其中一个同学时，她会想：“我根本就不喜欢你，你给我写做什么？”。我害怕有人会在我背后说：“都不懂怎样写她的... 没有什么好写的”。我害怕收到的纪念册，只是一些敷衍的谎言。


在友情里，世界充满不安。

在友情里，难道我只能渴望？

Scribble

've just been to my cousin Man's blog ( http://www.wretch.cc/blog/xmanman ). She talked a lot about her holiday in USA. My two cousins and my grandparents are currently at my uncle's house in Cupertino, California. It's about 1 hour from San Francisco. She went for horse riding!! How I hope I'd have the chance, too. Talking about USA, I can't help but think about my cousin Alexa. She's an American. I mean, she lives there and she talks like one of the 10-year-old American girls we see in movies. It's freaky sometimes. She's absolutely cute now. I think, maybe with a little bit of professional make-up, she could be a movie star, haha. But sometimes, when I see news about some Hollywood teenage stars getting drunk, partying and all those stuff, I'd think: Will Alexa become like Lindsay Lohan? Afterall, America isn't exactly a place for teens. Hahaha... of course it's stupid to think so. Alexa is only a normal cute 8-year-old.

I like her, and my uncle aunty. Definitely not because there're Americans... they just make me feel that I have a connection with something out of Malaysia. I never like the feeling of staying in one place, knowing about one place, feel and smell one place, but not the rest of the world. If I have loads and loads and loads of money, I won't spend them on expensive branded things. I'll use it to travel around the world and take a lot of photos home!

The Golden Gate

Honey

It's my lovely dog, Honey! Isn't she beautiful? Before I got Honey, I never really knew what were dogs. However, now, I agree that dogs are miracles with paws, :D

Not long before we were having problems with her teething. I searched and searched on the net and finally found one really useful site about dog training. Honestly, I really want a well-trained dog. My uncle's dog, Salty, who lives in USA, is soooooo well-trained that he'd sit in front of his bowl of food, waiting for his master's command to eat, then only he eats. Haha, my Honey isn't that great yet, but she's better now. Now she'd sit by the gate until we say 'go' then only she'll go. But she's not consistent though... we can hardly control her when she's got excited. I'm woking on it...

Another lesson in my life

I feel so sorry to my blog. I only think about it when I'm upset. 2006 was a miserable year. I threw everything in my blog but at the end I deleted them all. Now I'm here again. Thinking that I shouldn't leave my life forgotten. Afterall, you won't have a second 17 years old.

Yesterday wasn't exactly a good day. Hwee, Jia, Caryn and I were chatting in the class because Biology teacher wasn't around. Suddenly Hwee told me 'Actually I quite dislike you'. It was a real shock to me. I'd been treating Hwee as one of my trusted friends for the past few months, and yet she could say something like that to me. Instead of feeling angry, I was scared. Later she said she disliked me when we were in primary, but when I asked 'what about now?', she wasn't so keen to answer. She said she had no feeling towards me anymore and she didn't care about me. Is this exactly the thing a friend would tell you? If it is, I must be really dumb to not realise it. After that, we embarked on a heated debate about my weaknesses. According to Jia and Caryn, they enjoyed chatting with me when there're a whole gang of friends, but they didn't enjoy talking to me alone so much. They felt that there's always a distance between us. Why? They couldn't explain, neither could I... could you?

I hid in the toilet just to calm myself down later. I went to the PBSM meeting late. I felt like telling Charayne, but it wasn't the time. However, after a few hours, I realised that it was nothing big deal. At least they'd been frank to me, hadn't they? Afterall, it wasn't the first time... someone I believed to be my good friend, turned out not to be one. Last year the same thing happened, and I wasted my 16th birthday crying. Can you imagine? My family was singing the birthday song and I was trying to fight back my tears. However, looking at it positively... it was rather an unusual experience... The point is, I found myself stronger than I was last year. I still felt upset, but I know that my value doesn't depend on how people think about me. It's about me. Besides, I seldom care for people who don't care about me... I've decided to let the thing develops naturally.