Last Days of 2010

I've been quite lazy in blogging recently. For the whole holidays I seem to be busy with random stuffs, haha, mainly to relax while I could.... XD I guess I'd at least summarize some of the things I did during this holiday... squeeze everything into one post, haha. 


Trips!
Our trip to Belgium and Netherlands certainly was a memorable one. Not only was it fun with Ian, Adeline, Ye Ling, Phyllis and Sanggeta, we experienced the coldest and strongest winds as well. We arrived in Brussels when there was a very heavy snow with extra large snowflakes dropping like heavy rain. It was my least favourite cities out of the 4 we visited, but the experience of making the ugly/evil-looking snowman was definitely one of my favourite part of this trip =p. Brugge was a really lovely small town with nice Christmas atmosphere, while Amsterdam was beautiful in spite of the very very strong winds we had to endured especially on the last day when we visited the windmills =.=... 

Pictures

Friends from Poland!
Somehow, most of our Poland friends decided to visit Prague this winter =D. It was really nice having Reena, Maddy, Mimi and Li Yan around during Christmas (and later another friend from Poland, Hong Huat, also stopped by for a short while)! Hopefully we're gonna visit them one day in Poland =) 

Laziness
I spent most of my free time during this holiday being lazy. Slept more than 10 hours per day sometimes... did everything 10 times slower than I usually would... ==" *blame the cold weather* 


I must change!


Movie nights!
Had a movie night at Ian's house with friends.... with a projector and bass speakers! Li Yan, Phyllis and I also had a (very late) movie night one day. Watched Step Up 3 and Life as We Know It (quite a nice comedy)... 


And just yesterday, we watched Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader! I think the lastest 2 films of Narnia have been really good ones. This latest one has got nice and meaningful storyline, beautiful scenes and *ahem* handsome actors, hehe... recommended =) 

New year eve
Half an hour to 2011... it's time to wave goodbye to 2010 which was full of changes and special experience, you know... the seeking, the mistakes, the failures, the disappointments... and of course, the love and encouragement from family and friends, the decision and many others... My new year wish: to learn from the lessons and let go of the past, embrace this new year with new hopes and be a better me. 

šťastný nový rok!

Are my motives right?

I came across this verse while I was actually looking for another: And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. (James 4:3)

This provoked a bit of thoughts in me. I realised that we (or at least I) have a lot of desires, wishes.... and there're things that don't happen the way I hope they would, then I often feel uncontented and even bitter and victimized. 

But when I kept still and looked back, how many of my desires were not out of selfish motives and my own pleasure? I'm not saying we're supposed to be deprived of all pleasure. But am I treating myself right, when I feel upset because I don't receive the pleasure I wish for? We shouldn't ask for God's help only for our own pleasure. At least that's what I understand from the above verse. 

And I remember what my dad once told me: "It's not the failure that hurts. It's the ego." - Sometimes I feel humiliated due to my failures, inadequacy and mistakes. Sometimes I fear being looked down on. Sometimes I think I deserve better (pride speaking here). That's ego. That's my stupid pride creeping into my mind every now and then. When ego and pride are fed well, they give pleasure. So it comes down to the pleasure derived from pride. 

Why do I feel bad about failures? Why do I feel bad when people don't treat me as good as I hope they would? The shallow answer would be "they hurt my feelings". Now I think, the deeper and truer answer might be "they hurt my feelings because they hurt my pride". Once pride might have brought me some taste of successes, but I think the "era" of such worthless pride is gone, when it's doing me much more harm than good. 

Do I have the right motives for wanting to be successful? The right motives to pass all my exams (and if possible, with good grades in the first attempts...)? The right motives to have good friends? The right motives to be a good friend? The right motives to etc. etc.???

OF COURSE, I'm not saying I have selfish motives ALL the time =="... but sometimes I do forget about the right motives and get carried away by some worthless aims and then get hurt along the way... or worse, hurt others. 

Something I learnt a few weeks ago came to me: Whatever I'm striving for, the starting point has to be right. 


p/s random thoughts, my apology for any incorrect info XD 

Letting this blog serves its purpose

I'm letting this blog serves its purpose... basically to be filled with unorganized craps.

When I first started a blog, I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. It's a record of my footprints along the road, or maybe sometimes off the road. I'm just a toddler in this journey of life. Stumble here and there in rains and sunshine.

I tried to make this place "meaningful", but I can't because I'm still in search of meanings myself. Sometimes I have a whole lot of ideas but they're not matured enough to form a convincing article. (or I'm too lazy to be a teacher)

I made this blog private and only invited certain friends to read. I believed that if they cared to know how I felt they'd care to key in their usernames and passwords to see what I wrote. Sadly that wasn't quite the case.

I didn't want to care how the readers judge me because, ya it's true that I'm emotional and I hold on to certain things too tightly. And I emo. There was once an "arrogant" voice in me saying "if you're my true friend you'd accept me for who I am". I don't want to worry all the time that what I've done or have said might have offended anyone. OF COURSE I should be careful to love my friends, but worrying about hurting someone TOO often is wearing me down. Despite of my many many mistakes, hurting was not intended. *opps, off topic* The thing is, I kinda care how my readers are judging me based on my posts now.

I know someone out there who read this are bound to worry and think I have emotional problems or whatever, but I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm an emotional being who needs a place to be emotional at times. Maybe it'd be better if I change because I won't want to break down after one of my patients die, but for the time being, this is the way I am.

It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow.

... and I know that I have both =D

A Famous Prayer...

God, grant us the...

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

I often feel bitter and "unfair", because I want too much to change things that are completely out of my control. Questions of "why", "why now? why not during better times?" keep ringing in my ears. But do I really know when's the better time? I don't. I just stubbornly don't want it to be now. We need a great deal of wisdom to know when to hold on and when to let go.

I feel impatient easily. At myself. I feel impatient when I don't get results as good as I suppose I should get. I put a lot of value on academic excellence. My self-esteem is tied to my excellence. I guess this explains why I wasn't so pleased a few times this week. I refuse to judge others by their academic performance (in fact we shouldn't at all), I don't admire intelligent students (as far as I notice). I mean, ya they're excellent and clever and smart, that's great! But admire? Why should I? I don't like it when I see someone being judged by their results.

But gosh... I've been judging MYSELF all this while based on my academic performance. There're times when I wonder why am I being so bad to myself.

I feel the need to change, if I don't want to live this life feeling unhappy about things that don't worth feeling unhappy for.

Real

If you want to be a real friend, stop trying to be interesting. Start to be interested.

If you want to see a real friend, don't see who's interesting. See who's interested.

Funny how the same fact can be seen from 2 perspectives. Sometimes we gotta look at the same wall from both sides.

This is a reminder for myself, as well as for all of you.

Pieces of this and that

I've been pondering for some while about the title of this blog post. How do you name your post when things you wanna share are really just pieces of this and that?

Faith. Something I kept waiting until one day I realized it should come after belief.

Doubts. Ya, this kinda contradicts with faith. I guess everyone knows I'm a serious person. When I tried to create jokes people said they were cold (thank you so much =.=). I always jokingly say I'm cool, which is true in a way. But, somehow I've started to feel not so comfortable with this true self of mine... The number of ways one's DNA could have been arranged was 10 to the power of 2400000000. And out of this almost infinite number, I am how I am. Not to say that I blame my weaknesses on DNA totally... it's just, some doubts...

True friends are those who see through you, and yet love you just as the way you are...

Enough of emo craps...

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

2nd year. So far, so good. =)

Here comes the 2nd year (+ České Budějovice)

Every year in med school is a big hurdle. We're not competing against each other (at least I think so), but I have the feeling that we're in some kind of cruel survivor game. So here comes the 2nd round...

Before school started, I had one more chance to escape Prague. But this was definitely not the only reason I went to České Budějovice with Adeline and her friend studying in UK, Kareena (correct me if I'm wrong =p). I genuinely wanted some fun with friends, and to see more of Czech Republic! ^^ Honestly, České Budějovice was just a small town. It has no grand castles, but some colourful buildings in the centre. The weather wasn't good for photo-shooting, and I didn't charge my camera before I went!! However I'd still say it was a nice day out! It was good for relaxation where we could walk and talk and take photos slowly XD. (Thanks Adeline for ajak-ing=D)

Back to the arena of cruel survivor game Prague. Yesterday was officially the first day of school, but guess what? There was no class!! All the classes are starting in the 2nd week. So I'll have 1 lecture later, then another tomorrow, and --- the end of the week!! Hehe... But really, I regret being not very attentive in lectures in my first year. I always assumed that knowledge can be found in books, but I've learnt to not trust books completely. I had problems with being alert during lectures, and I promised myself to work on it this year... Give me moral support please?? =p

Success in first year doesn't guarantee success in 2nd year, neither the 2nd's guarantees the 3rd's and so on... but I'm truly thankful that I'm here today, getting ready for 2nd year. It is a blessing. A gift. No tough doctors can be trained without trials. Hm... right?

I'm thankful for what I am and what I have, but I can be better. Much better. I want to grow in academic, in maturity and character. This is going to be tough and painful at times, but cheer me on, ok? =p

Character is both developed and revealed by tests, and all of life is a test.

Karlovy Vary trip

Having not visited any other countries this holiday, I joined Agnes, Estella and Ye Ling on the day trip to Karlovy Vary, a town which is famous for its hot springs. 

It was a nice day for walking around this small town along the river, sunny yet windy. The scenery was nice with the neat and colourful (as compared to Prague) buildings everywhere. The hot springs with different names, and apparently, different mineral contents were found in the colonnades. Decorated glass cups were sold to the tourists, who used them to taste the water from these springs. There were a lot of "medical centres" which provided balneological treatments to customers. I also found out that the "Spa Wafers" I brought home to Malaysia originated from this spa city. I used to wonder what did they have to do with spa...

It really was an amazing day out. These few days were helpful in unwinding my tensed mind, giving me some relaxation and exploration I've been craving for!


MORE PHOTOS


About Karlovy Vary - 1 and 2

Hradec Kralove

Quite a quick decision brought me and Ye Ling to Hradec Kralove and we became one of the earliest visitors of Agnes and Estella's new apartment from Prague! hehe... it's a nice one indeed =)

Contrary to the extreme quietness when I visited HK last year on a Sunday, the city proved herself to be much more lively than I thought, on weekdays. In fact I found it to be quite a comfortable town with adequate facility but simpler as compared to Prague.

I had an enjoyable stay of 2 days and 2 nights there, served with great foods =p. Not to mention, we had these--->

Even though I never put much emphasis on Mooncake/Mid-autumn Festival, but adding a bit of festive atmosphere here felt great! =p

Thank you Estella and Agnes for the hospitality! =D

Piano

I've been "reunited" with piano recently, thanks to a friend who decided to lend us his electric piano for about one year. 

I've always liked the sound of a piano. Although the one we have now is an electric piano, it's the closest thing we've got to a real one. I'm not a good player, neither was I a very hard working student. I disliked practicing the scales. I'm not a good performer, because I always play better when nobody's paying attention. I can't play by ear. I can't spontaneously play a song without piano scores. Even when I do have a score, I need time to practise.  But I like playing it. I like to listen to such soothing sound forming a piece of music. 

Speaking of this... I miss my piano at home... I didn't actually play it the last time I went back because I was too preoccupied by other things *sigh* 

A curse... or a gift?

You never know when an untied shoelace saves you from an onrushing car. On September 11th, one man was saved because he had to get donuts for his team; another because he developed a blister on his foot from wearing new shoes.

I received yet another inspiring message. A known-by-everyone but easily-forgotten truth. I just feel like sharing it somewhere. I know it's hard to believe when it happens (because I couldn't believe enough, too...), but somehow, sometime, we've all got to learn this. Some blessings in disguise, we'll find out sometime in the future. While some, we might never know. But is unknown equal to non-existent?

Next time when I bump into a gift disguised as a bomb, I might look back at this post and think I'm a hypocrite writing things I can't do well enough... but I hope one day, the day will come when I don't only know this little piece of wisdom, but LIVE it as well.

That day... will come. 

Dark night

I've heard enough of failures these few weeks. Unfortunately, I'm sure this is not the end of it. Surely more are to come. As surely as the sun's going to rise tomorrow (unless the world ends tonight).

I felt bad hearing these. I felt upset knowing that my friends have tried their best yet this was what they got. I felt sad because I knew failing an exam gave a terrible feeling, not to mention, many of them had to experience this more than once, some have to repeat year, some... might have their scholarships terminated. This, from my humble opinion as their friend, is nothing but unfair and cruel. They're probably feeling bad, but they're brave. I couldn't have coped better than they do.

I pray that they have the strength to face these giants in life, that there's a greater good waiting for them somewhere in the future, and that they're embraced by comfort from faith despite the challenges.

There's no way we could know the greater plans. We can only believe.

I've been repeating to myself lots of times: "I've chosen this. I wanted this". And come to think of it, that was only half of the truth. The whole truth is, I chose it, AND I was given it. I've always believed that I'm not where I am purely out of accident. There were incidents that, when I think of them now, pointed me towards Czech, started even before I knew my SPM results. Call me superstitious or anything, I never stop believing this.

In fact, I believe nobody is where he/she is without a reason. And this reason, I believe, is for our own good.

[Quoting a friend] The night is dark and cold and long, but at the end of each night there's always a hopeful dawn.

Music from Windows

I came across some music videos on YouTube (first introduced by my friend on Facebook, if I remember correctly) which are said to be made only from sounds on windows. I'm a bit skeptical, because if it's true, they're pretty awesome! Although I don't know how much time these people actually used in order to compose such music...

For your entertainment ;)

This was the one I got from friend's link...





And a few clicks in YouTube told me there're actually lots of them. Some are simply silly, but some are quite entertaining indeed. For example...





and here and here.

LOL, have some fun with weird music XD

Now I get this

Now I understand how it feels like to want so much to help, but you're powerless except to offer a few encouraging words.

Now I understand how it feels like to try your best to sound motivating, but only to witness your words dissolve into seeming nothingness.

Now I get it. Thank you. =)

"Revision"

During the last few days I've been going around Prague like I did almost one year ago. Many things have happened and even changed, but the beauty of Prague is still the same. If it wasn't because of this chance of visiting those places I'd considered too boring to repeat, I would have completely forgotten how touched I felt when I first saw the Old Town Square at night illuminated with light.

Was I too forgetful? Or was it just normal to forget about enjoying the scenery when you're having problems keeping yourself straight on the road?

Anyway, I did went to something new though - Vyšehrad, which is just minutes from my house.

Prague International Christian Festival

And I was surprised to came across a live music performance in Namesti Republiky when I was there for dinner. Due to the amount of czech cuisine I've had these few days, I must eat more vegetables in the coming days!

Tomorrow would be the end of touring around Prague. Time to start lazying around... and looking for something meaningful to keep myself occupied.

After the storm...?

That was when I was looking at the histological slides alone. Except a few Czech students behind me. Their heavy breathes now and then told me they were probably as stressed as I was.

However, thank God that I've made it. I was lucky to get the nice (reasonable and HUMANE) examiner and nice questions. I was lucky to have a very supportive family. And I was lucky to have some friends, who remembered me who was drowning when they were (and still) sunbathing on the beach. I'm thankful for those who prayed for me and waited to share my news. And I'm thankful to those few who strive alongside me.

But to be honest I still feel weary. I was asked, just yesterday, "Why are you already in Prague? Most of them are going back in late September right?". Immediately my heart felt scratched. Yes, most (those clever ones), but not me. The root of inferiority grows ever more stronger.

I'm thankful that the storm has passed and I've got some experience many have the privilege to NOT have. Thankful for people who genuinely care... I'm not being ungrateful here now. I AM grateful for lots of things in the midst of tremendous stress and upsets... it's like... getting out of a war alive bearing bruises here and there, you know? Lucky thing is, I still have my limbs intact. I'm lucky in a way. (It's figurative. )

p/s I seriously considered deleting this post, because it sounded like I was complaining about the blessing of passing this exam. Well, I'm NOT. But, I guess, those who know and trust me don't need explanations, and those who don't know me and don't trust me won't believe in my explanations anyway... I hope you trust me, if you're reading this.

Babbling

Pain is a wakening alarm but also a blinding fold,
all i wanted to do is face the failure and ignore the beautiful weather.
All I wished for was something I didn't have,
and wonder what wrong have I done to receive the blow.
No matter what good I have,
it is never enough to cover the loss.
In the pain I fail to see the blessings and gifts,
or I see them but refuse to appreciate their values.
How many times i have to cry to waken the sleeping grateful soul in me?
And what was wasted were not just time,
but also tears and joys and meaningful life.
I cried and begged for child-like faith,
but my heart is hardened by deep-rooted pride.
My heart asks for the gone sweetness in its bitterness,
and anger suppressed with sadness.
It frightens me to see my ambition weakened,
along with joy and passion for my dreams.
Who has been keeping the wound opened?
It could have been my stubborn soul all along.
Yet I'm lost in this midst of life.
I see the mountain peak but I don't see the way up high.

宣泄 （废话）

这是一声声无人听见的呐喊。无助与彷徨的宣泄。就让我在属于自己的地方发泄，在没人聆听的午夜。

不想再在乎别人的眼光。我是脆弱、固执。我也厌倦了。可是又能怎样。我尝试了，又怎样。

只是想让人明白，我真的不想。不想这么懦弱。不想一蹶不振。不想受尽心理的折磨。

不想用恐惧的煎熬换取这么点不过分的欢乐。

不想厚颜地尝试让人了解我无法用言语表达的心情，却更害怕没人愿意明白的孤单。

Finishing the Race...

If you are down, if you are hurt, if you are struggling to even take the next step...





p/s just to share a video that touched my heart. 

My must-watch this November

Why do you live?

Because I have something worth living for.

I'm determined to watch it this November, no matter what the reviews say, no matter how much criticism they get for their acting (oh yes, I DO have enough sense to notice that the trio's acting can be much better...)

I used to be crazy over it. Ask my secondary school friends, they know the extent, but I do hope they'd keep it to themselves. XD Let it be OUR memory, ok? =p I wouldn't say I'm a fan, anymore. At least not a BIG fan. Maybe I'm supporting it out of habit. =p Since 2001.

Nevertheless I admit I like the books very much. I've long lost count of how many times did I reread them, especially the Goblet of Fire and Chamber of Secrets. Not that they're my favourite, but merely because these two were the first two I bought. Deathly Hallows, I'd say... is superb =D

The trailer looks great indeed. I really hope these last two would mark a good ending for this 10-year movie franchise.

Gift in disguise

You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower

garden, but you will grow if you are sick, if you are

in pain, if you experience losses, and if you do not

put your head in the sand, but take the pain and

learn to accept it, not as a curse or punishment but

as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose.

—Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (Kubler-Ross model/5 stages of grieve)

Thank you to my family and friends, for all the encouragement and care I get. =)

This is a growing phase. A breakthrough.

Maze

Okay, I have to admit that I'm hopeless when it comes to facing challenges. I spent all my previous study years working hard to prevent failures and it worked not bad. I spent the pass week handling failures and it's been going terribly.

Feelings of resentment, sadness, anger.

Not that there were no times of optimism. It's consumed and covered by negative feelings too soon.

Thank you, to my friends who asked me 'are you ok'. Really appreciated.

The fact is, the answer is still the same. Do you want something nice or something true?

I wish when I'm asked 'hey, what's up?', I can tell my friends all the fun and exciting stuffs I've done. Unfortunately most of the time what I was doing was studying.

I'm going round and round in this miserable maze. Save me.

Discipline

No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening- it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained this way.

Whatever extra I'm doing won't go in vain.

This is a joke

You know what? I'm having my summer holiday. But I'm studying.

I've never been so hard working before.

If you're spending most of your days in front of tv, playing computer games, online, sleeping.... you need to change. Now!!

HAHA.

I'm only joking. Seriously. I don't have a choice.

When I start saving lives one day, I'll feel that it's all worth it. I'm not doing this just for the stupid very important exam. It's for the lives I'm going to make a difference in.

Home

If a time can be both nice and difficult. It is this.

Touched down at Changi airport in the afternoon and finally reached my home sweet home almost 10 at night.

Everything seemed and felt the same. It's like I had only been away from home for 10 hours, not 10 months. Maybe that's what's called 'home'.

I was feeling bad again when I was in the plane. Then I remembered that the tougher it is, the more I should have faith. Through the toughness to become tougher. And I have to keep reminding myself that I CHOSE to accept the opportunity to study medicine knowing it's not a straight and smooth highway.

After a nice rest it'll be a whole new day tomorrow. Still tough, because for some reasons unknown yet to me my journey through first year was made longer than my friends'. Even though I crave for relaxation which they're enjoying now, I must remember that, the more I endure, the more I gain.

To friends who are reading this, do keep in touch with me during the holidays. NO excuses like "you might be busy studying". Your one single 'hi' might be very powerful. You never know ;)

Keep me strong. Keep my faith. Let me not be discouraged.

Still

In a few hours I'll be on the flight back home to Malaysia. Yet there's not much excitement. My holiday has been grabbed from me. I'm feeling like a failed soldier who wants nothing but a place to hide, feeling ashamed. No proud welcoming, because strictly speaking I hadn't achieved what I'm supposed to achieve.

My good friends are trying to be supportive, to encourage me. This I understand and I'm very touched. But in the midst of their joy, I feel so lonely, so isolated, by something more than distance. I want to share their joy, but I'm blocked out by an invisible wall.

It still aches whenever the thought comes. Especially when I'm laying on the bed trying to fall asleep. Especially when I sent my friends off knowing the next time I come back here I'm going to face the challenge alone. Especially when I hear my friends who are a hundred times luckier than me complaining about their holidays.

How does it feel like to turn up your mp3 player volume so that you wouldn't hear what the people around you are saying?

To believe

It's so difficult to believe, when the wound hurts so much.

I really really really want to believe that

God wants me to get a better result,

rather than just narrowly squeezed through without solid knowledge in my brain,

that's why he's giving me a second chance.

This second chance hurts A LOT.

Failure

Before it actually happened I told myself repeatedly that I was trying my best and that it wouldn't be my fault even if I failed. Given the condition (not enough time), I was already asking myself to be ready for failure.

But when it did happen, it was all too tremendous to take. Not to mention, the aftermath of it. I had imagined a well holiday. A true relax after one year of hard work miles away from home. Maybe some trips with friends.

And everything's gone. Just because of the unfortunate. Just because of this.

I feel that it's unfair. I feel that I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to have my confidence and self-esteem crushed and my whole wonderful holiday spoiled. And I'm angry with the unfairness. I've worked hard. I feel no shame saying this. I could have been even a few times more hard working than lots of people who have passed.

I DON'T DESERVE THIS! WHAT WRONG HAVE I DONE??

My friends, especially my good and close friends, are happily anticipating a holiday full with activities. And trying their best to come back here as late as possible.

ME? WHAT ABOUT ME?! I'm going to come back one month earlier to take my exam. Alone. In my heart I fear so much. I fear that I wouldn't be able to stand the stress. Even when I have supportive friends around me it took a great deal of conscious effort to remain positive under stress. I'm scared about facing this alone. But I don't have other choices.

Everytime the thought comes I feel sharp stabs in my heart. And all the feelings and emotions come rushing in. I feel torn. My self esteem. My confidence. My joy is mixed with sadness and anger these few days.

I want to be happy for my friends who have passed. In fact I am. However, everytime in my mind there's a mockery voice telling me I'm inferior to them. Everytime my failure is magnified in front of my eyes. Everytime the scene of the disastrous exam with the mean examiner repeated itself. How she mocked about my answer. How she criticised and accused me of not studying. How she said that I didn't even know the basics.

Everytime. I feel like a bad failure. And it's continuing to haunt me while others are happily enjoying their holidays.

I hate this, beyond words.

I want to shout. I really do. I want to shout all my hatred and anger and sadness away.