Oh the awkwardness

Does anyone else feel this way?

Multi-lab social functions...you know the type. Gather a whole bunch of awkward people together, scientists and their significant others, give them some alcohol and some food, then let the strangeness ensue.

I had to endure one of those yesterday. I am a pretty social person. I like to drink a little and shoot the shit. But there is something about getting all scientists together that makes things a little bit more labored. Not knocking scientists of course, since I consider myself one, but really the whole thing is very funny. You get the complete introverts who can't think of (or are not into) a little bit of small talk so they sit there blankly looking at the people in the group in front of them. Then you get the goofballs who will say the random stuff and try to embarrass you, perhaps with a lab-mishap related story. Then there are the folks who show up because they feel they have to and just eat everything in site just to get through it all. There are the poor undergrads who have yet to fully grow into their awkwardness and so they talk about sports and last weekend's wild party; those are the ones I want to whisper into their ear "this is your fuuuutuuuure." You have the profs who are cool and awesome and normal. Then you have the profs who have the sense of humor of a loaf of bread (who apparently don't understand sarcasm). Hmm.

You have people like me who will ask the 'perceived' inappropriate questions. I didn't know that asking the head of the department's husband if he was a scientist and how he ended up snatching up the head was 'inappropriate' questioning. It was my first time meeting him. He seemed friendly and much cooler than the head, so I was curious how they met! Nothing crazy, just wanted to know their personal "nerd love story", if you will. I was told later that I had some balls (by another person in the group). To me, it was a perfectly normal question. It was certainly more appropriate than the group next to me who was talking about how you should never join a lab of a PI that you are attracted to, oh boy. This conversation took place among many, many PIs. Scandalous! :) Not really, I am all about inappropriateness. It sure beats talking about research. New rule, when I have a drink in my hand, my work will not be spoken about, except at conferences when I am trying to schmooze.

So I admit, sometimes, I purposely ask the probing questions. Mainly because I hate small talk. Someone once said to me "who cares about the weather? You want to really get to know someone? Ask them how they lost their virginity." And I take those words to heart. It's my own form of awkwardness, ask the inappropriate question, and weed out the ones who you don't want to get to know based on how they respond. Many people respond rather brilliantly. And you end up having more faith in the human race. The department head's husband was a brilliant one.

I wonder sometimes if I have subjected myself to lifelong awkwardness. Is there a science department out there who is not at least a little bit awkward in groups? Will we always revert to talking about our science if all else fails? Maybe so, after all, many of us have dedicated our lives to this science thing. But I am not sure about having to endure this kind of awkwardness for the rest of my life! I just hope science is worth it.

I want to claw my eyes out.

Yes.

When you have a fucking graduate student who is in love with you on one side, and a lazy technician asking you ten times why it matters that you design your primers so that you are in 2 different exons....you end up wanting to claw your eyes out!

The graduate student. He looks at me with these annoying puppy dog eyes. Maybe someone once told him it was cute.

Grad student: "Do you want to go to the zoo with me on Saturday, I have a free ticket?"

Me: "No thanks, I have a year pass."

Grad student: "Well, do you want to go with me?"

Me: "Alone? No."

Grad student: "Ouch."

Me: ::uncontrollable laughter::

5 minutes later....

Grad student: "Are you sure you don't want to hang out this weekend?"

Me: "Yes."

Grad student: "Why not?"

Me: ::crickets::

Well, I know that was mean of me. But I don't really know how to deal with him. He insists all the time that I do 'stuff' with him. He wants to hang out. He wants to go for drinks. He wants to talk about life. If I say no, he asks, why.

Repeat. Rinse. Repeat. Recycle. Re-use and Reduce while we are at it.

One time, I literally said there is no way I could hang out one Friday. He called me 5 times that night. 5 times. Who the fuck does that?!! Anyway, the other day I made him cry. But that's another story. So I tread lightly. But if people push me, I am just not a nice person. Not at all. And I am starting to break the fuck down.

I have had thoughts of quitting the lab due to a crappy tech who treats me like I am an idiot but who is the laziest person ever, and a sensitive 24 year old grad student who will not leave me the fuck alone. Dude, I am NOT that cool. Get over it! And I realize I am being unreasonable in many ways, but there is only so much a girl can deal with.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I have spoken to this grad student about the way I like to work, how personal and professional life do not mix well. Or, that there is a happy medium for how things should work. And he nods. And apparently, he also cries.

Ugh, help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......


P.S. Did I mention he throws things at me? In addition to foam brains, foam footballs, and wadded up kimwipes, one time he threw needles at me. The kind that go on syringes. They were uncapped and I lost my shit.

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Shortening AdvisorDude's grant

It frightens me that when reading AdvisorDude's RO1 revision in order to shorten it by 7 lines, and noticing that 2 sub-aims in the grant basically test the same freakin' question and subsequent alarm bells going off in my head, that a phone call to AdvisorDude's office yields this response "Ehh, I don't care anymore, I am NOT changing anything. They wanted a more mechanistic Sub Aim, that is what they are getting. Just shorten the grant..."

I understand that he is sick of it at this point. But changing the Aims so that it is more clear that one method gets at one part of the question, while another method gets at another part of the question, would have sufficed. I had to think about what he was getting at in the grant (too much). I was always taught that if your reviewer has to think, then you are in trouble.

I'm not sure if this always holds true. But I would more likely lower his score (in the bad way) if too many alarms go off in my head or if I have to question things. I really wish he would have been a little bit more open about this.

I raised my hand....

At a series of talks given by the Assistant professors in my department this week, I raised my hand. One time. Everyone turned around. My hands shook (partially due to the massive amounts of coffee I drank to wake myself up at 6am.), but partially because almost everyone and their mom and their mom's ears perked up. I could hear them thinking "What on earth does she have to say?"

Someone gave a talk dealing with some genes I dealt with as a grad student. The talk was based on looking at mRNA expression of these genes in response to a particular treatment. The problem is, the product, the protein made from these mRNAs are freakin' non-functional unless they are proteolytically processed. I know this, and everyone in my previous field knows this. So a red flag went off in my head, "why would anyone just look at the mRNA?" "Does looking at mRNA expression levels mean anything in terms of function?" "I wonder if this splice variant he is describing is processed in the same way?" I raised my hand.

What came out of my mouth you ask? ....
"So, these proteins normally need to be cleaved in order to be activated, have you looked at the processing of these proteins in your model?" His answer: "No, no I haven't". My response: "I think it would be cool to look at." Chair of Department: "Well 'Ms. Know-it-all Postdoc', how would he look at that, Western Blot?" Me: "Uh, yeah, western or a cleavage assay." The speaker's answer: "Yes! That is totally something I am interested in too".

Somehow it turned from me asking a question out of pure interest, to me coming off as a know-it-all be-yotch. Actually, I hesitate to even say how I came off. But the fact that the department chair interrupted me to ask HOW he would go about checking for this, made me feel like she was trying to diffuse something. WTF.

Afterward, I asked AdvisorDude what he thought of the whole thing. He said that I didn't come off as a know-it-all, he thought I was just offering some good input on how to advance the work he was presenting.

Arrgggggghhhh. (I'm a pirate apparently) But this is why I am deterred from asking questions. Isn't the ability to ask questions and listen, and just being able to GET IT on the spot, part of my training? How else am I going to be able to join in with Professor shenanigans? I just felt like there was some unspoken thing where I wasn't supposed to ask a question or give input. Maybe I am being paranoid.

During the break, I spoke to few profs. Afterward, I spoke to a few more. I think I was able to show I was not a total know-it-all and hopefully did some damage control(I cringe that I even think this way). Luckily, AdvisorDude is a GREAT advocate, which spurned others to come up to me about my work. During his talk, he made it absolutely clear whose work he was presenting, complete with putting a picture of me up next to my gels! Very cute. I heart AdvisorDude for being awesome that way. I was having fun talking to some of the Profs in the department I never get to talk to.

An Assistant Professor comes by, looks at AdvisorDude and the Prof I was speaking to, "Lunch?", he says. Yup. All the profs left to go to lunch together, while the trainees were left in the dust.