wants

i want to be a star.

i want to absorb the laughter and applause of thousands of people i can't see because the lights of the stage are too bright.

i want to develop material so funny that the biggest shows on TV fall over themselves to have me at their writing table.

i want to portray emotions so powerful that i am able to transport a movie audience to a place they might never have thought of without me.

i want to elicit smiles and squeals of delight from children because it's me and ohmygod they can't believe i'm right in front of them! i will stand there and tell them that they can be anything they want to be because they're perfect the way they were made. i will high five the eager, sign laminated photos of the practical and hug the ones who start crying.

but i'm too scared to pursue it. i tell myself that i don't have time, it's too hard to write the jokes, man those auditions are far away, and everyone will be so much more talented than me. i'm scared to make the changes and evaluations it would take to make my dreams even have a possibility of coming true.

i know i'm not alone, but it doesn't make the self-imposed heartache any easier.

unbelievably tired.

or maybe believably.

between studying and the world series i wake up every morning thinking that my alarm clock is out to kill me.

in other news, can i just say how awesome it is to have pets? i don't understand how people come home and greet, i don't know, their appliances. seeing those excited little faces when i finally drag this carcass through the door makes me very happy. this could be because they know i'm an easy mark for treats and little bites of whatever i'm eating, (don't tell me how bad it is to feed dogs from your plate and the problems it creates. i'm aware.) but i like to think it's just a genuine affection.

today's sidebar:

occasionally i will google myself just to make sure that all is right with my internet persona and no one out there is trying to make sure that i'm never gainfully employed again. while usually this is fruitless, today i found out that there is a blog search within google.

did the world know this already?

anyway, i searched for my name and was greeted by two blog entries from a very old and angsty-titled livejournal from a billion years ago, and it brought back the flood. between the ages of 18 and 22, i bet i had six or seven LJ accounts. in an effort to prove this, i utilized their "lost log-in" function and plugged in my old hotmail account. after scrambling for fifteen minutes to remember that password, i was greeted with a list of six usernames all equally emo and puke-inducing. and they had all been purged by me at some point over the last six years. DANGIT.

i deleted what i'm sure were paragraphs of angst-ridden text, all focused on how much i hated the crappy hours at my crappy job, my super abusive and terrible relationship, and the friends i managed to scrape out of the dallas hardcore music scene. i can't imagine what was in those entries, but i'm kind of sad i'll never know. i was never good at keeping written diaries, though there were countless one page entries in a thousand note books scattered all over my teenage bedroom. i just couldn't commit to it, and i wish i had kept up with it because i'd love to read them now.

what on earth was i doing - preserve your memories, internet! no matter how dumb you think they look now, it will be such a window when you get older.

time management and what did i do before dvr

i had a complete breakdown on wednesday about my course load this semester. one of those heart pounding, chest heaving "what in the &*$% have i gotten myself into and how do i escape" kind of things.

all of this started when i found out that the lab mid-term i thought i did an amazing job on? turns out i got a c. i have never, in my life, made a c on a test. i don't care how smarmy that comes across.

at first i was shocked (wha??), in denial (they graded with the wrong key!), and then pissed at myself for not studying more (you're an asshole, self). but then i thought "in what time could i have studied more?" on sunday morning, when i allow myself to catch up on all the primetime tv i haven't watched that week because i've been doing homework? do i dare take the one respite i have away, endangering the lives of my husband and animals?

and then i thought, "it's a friggin c. one. you've still got an a average, lesson learned, suck it up and do better next time." needless to say i will be finding out what happens on vampire diaries this sunday, per the usual.

does anyone even remember what we did before dvr, debit cards and whole foods? i have years of taped television specials with commercials for tab and play-doh and whatever else was hip in the late 80s/early 90s. i am so spoiled now that i won't even watch a show live. i'll switch back and forth between live and taped so i can skip the commercials.

if it's this bad now, what is it going to be in 20 years? they just beam the ads for anti-depressants and mcdonalds straight into the brain? as we slowly lose the ability to have conversations about anything other than the mcrib, will we even know what's going on?

eh, who am i kidding. i'll have macaroni and cheese'd myself into a coma long before then, requesting only that my eyelids be propped open for the television. what is life for if you don't find out what happens between damon and elena?

dumb nicknames and giant wastes of time

i have never understood nicknames. i think it's because i have a short name anyway, and the shortening of it doesn't make any sense to me - amie to ames? sure, you don't have to expand your mouth for the "eeee" sound, but how busy is your life that you can't spare the breath? anywho.

guys have the dopiest nicknames for each other and, inexplicably, the vocabulary of a freshman sorority girl. i have heard my husband, on many occasions, say "alright, dude. lates." to his friends to end a call.

lates.

that's a single replacement reaction (shout out, chem lab!) where you've swapped a sensical consonant for one that gives the word a red squiggly line. and if the internet has taught me anything, it's that without microsoft word corrections the world is full of terrible spellers.

other minor irritants include "cray cray" for crazy, "totes" for totally and "jelly" for jealous. since we're already on the fast track to completely slaughtering the english language, i'd like to put as many speedbumps into the process as possible. so STOP IT. just.stop.

it's a weak segue, but speaking of the internet, let's talk about how it prevents me from getting anything accomplished. i want to be productive. but the allure of patterns and laughing dogs and captioned cats and human failure is too magnetic.

i feel like i can't even finish a sentence without finding a link that grabs my atten

i'm the younger woman now.

today is scott's 30th birthday. 30. it doesn't phase me like so many people told me it would. i distinctly remember my older sister having a complete meltdown on my couch because nobody was throwing her a party for her 30th birthday, and i just stared at her. i didn't get why it was such a big deal, or why she didn't have any friends who would do inane things like that for her. sure, we all want get-togethers for milestone events, and sometimes we don't want to do the work. but it's not the world's responsibility to make sure your birthday is awesome.

but i digress. scott got a new car! it's his old car, but newer and a different color! :-| we had dinner at blue plate with some of his friends! it was my surprise for him! the food was good and the dessert was crap! the waitress was insane! scott's friend gave her his number!

in other news, the sweet guinness had his second acl surgery yesterday, and the doctor says everything went well. he will complete his 24 hour morphine drip around 1pm today, and then we'll pick him up tonight. my poor buddy. that dog has cost no less than ninety bazillion dollars in his time with us, and he's worth every penny. scratching his ears and having him bound up to see me when i come home solves about 98% of my day-to-day problems. but people who don't love dogs like i do think it's their place to remind me that dogs are nothing but pets to them. they say incredibly offensive things like "your dog is having SURGERY?? i don't think i'd pay for that. i'd probably put them down."

WOW. thanks, asshole. i'll keep your "euthanize in lieu of medical intervention" mantra in mind the next time you're asking for a day off because your kid needs to go to the doctor.

i will never understand people's lack of social responsibility. no, you don't have to agree with my choices, but you shouldn't tell me you'd kill my dog if roles were reversed. that's just heinous.

seacrest, out.

almost a year is good, right?

in the interest of having a repository i can go back and review what was happening years from now, when we're serving our comet alien overlords, here's what has happened:

i have stuck with school! i completed my spring semester, took classes all summer and am knee deep in fall right now. it's my last semester of science (chem), and i'm fulfilling my psychology and english electives now. when i've completed these, i'll have 47 credits which seems like a million compared to when i started. i'm going to do the max for the minimester (6 or 9, i can't remember) and then i'll apply for spring admission to UTA. or UTD. or UNT. i still haven't decided which way is the best way. i live in such a weird place that they're all far away, so i'm trying to find one i can reach from the rail. and one that will give me some merit money! because let me tell you what doesn't exist - old white lady who is married with no kids scholarships.

what a white whine, huh? "oh man, the school i am choosing to attend may actually make me pay out of my pocket for it!!"

but since i own the world's most expensive dog, mama needs alternatives.

november of 2010 the beloved first child, guinness, tore his left ACL. a concept previously unknown to me, i was unprepared for the financial and emotional strain his surgery and recovery would have on our home. not even a year later and we found out on thursday that he has torn the ACL in his right knee this time. we were expecting it but MAN if it doesn't suck to be right back to square 1. i feel better prepared this time, as far as what to expect, but it still makes me sad to think about his pain level and the sad way he will have to hop for a few weeks.

scott is, thankfully, able to take some time off to stay home with the doggle while he recovers, so it's nice to have that part squared away. i'm sure scott won't mind having some xbox/star trek voyager/wilfred time as well. speaking of, i need to ramp up the ol' "honey do" list...

other than that, there's not too much happening. which i guess is good because though it doesn't look like a lot, i feel like i have zero time to do anything anymore. so i just keep reminding myself, "it's all for a good reason, bite your tongue and bear it because you should have done this when you were 18, you dope!"

<3

back and forth and back and forth

baby? school? baby? school?

and tonight I finally decided.

I registered for 12 hours (3 of which is online) at tcc and I am so geeked I could puke. I'm excited to get back into it, after putting things on hold for so long to get our jobs straightened out and figure out the timing. if I can keep this pace, I should have a bachelors in two years, God willing, and I cannot wait. I opted for community because the credits transfer 1-1, and it's 1/3 the cost. seemed like a no brainer especially when I got my first peek at book costs tonight.

HOLY JUMPING JESUS paper got expensive in the last six years.

my first class will be the 18th, and I'm going to try and get an advising appointment next week to see about some clep classes. if they even do that anymore.

anyone want to play hacky sack?


these kids are gonna hate me.