Mr. Nice Guy

I never saw the appeal of bad boys.

We've all heard that nice guys finish last. And the idea has appeared in books and plays and movies all over the place. But I have always liked the good boys. The boys who go to church every Sunday, treat everybody kindly, and respect authority figures. The guys who, if you imagine them drinking, smoking, or doing drugs, the image in your mind would be so incongruous you just have to laugh.

I think most girls realize that they don't want a really bad boy. They don't particularly want to be abused. And for the long-term, at least, they realize that the ability to hold a steady job is good and criminal tendencies are not. But there is still apparently something appealing about the image of a bad boy. In the first book of Dean Hughes' Hearts of the Children series, three cousins have the following conversation:

     Diane smiled. "The only thing I ever think about is finding some guy who looks like James Dean... really handsome but--"
     "You mean, dead?"
     "No. Like he looked when he was alive. He was really cute but a little bit bad. You know what I mean? I want him to be good, and in the Church and everything, but sort of dangerous at the same time."
     Kathy had begun to laugh.
     "See, I told you--"
     "No, no. I'm sorry," Kathy said. "I'm not laughing at you. It's every girl's dream. Anne - in Anne of Green Gables - says she wants a boy who's good but one who's capable of being bad and chooses not to be. Something like that."
     "Yeah. That's it. That's exactly right."
     "So who isn't capable of being bad?" Gene asked.
     "You!" both girls said at the same time.

 But I don't want that. Of course, anybody really can be bad. But I would like a guy like Gene - someone who the girls would say can't.

Except I seem to recall Gene as being pretty popular with the ladies, and I've typically not liked the same guys all the other girls were into. Even when they were nice.

My Choice

A couple posts ago, I said I was going to look up some terminology, then explain why the "Why are you Mormon?" question is so hard for me. Well, I looked and could not find the terminology - if I still have the notes from that class, I'm not sure where they are. If it was in a textbook, I didn't save that one. I looked for online syllabuses and class notes from the classes I thought might be applicable, but couldn't find anything helpful. And I tried searches on a couple general search engines and on Google Scholar, but didn't find anything.

I bet I could have found something with Google if I had remembered the terms I was looking for.

So I'm going to forget the terminology and just try to explain the idea myself.

In one of my college psych classes,we talked about how people make decisions about their lives. You can organize the decision-making process with a sort of rubrik with four possible outcomes. So across the top, there are two options - if you have chosen or not. Down the side are two different options - if you have explored your options or not. So the four possible outcomes are having decided without exploring options, undecided without exploring options, decided having explored the options, and undecided having explored the options. The most optimal outcome is having made a decision after exploring your options.

When we were discussing this in class, I felt a little uncomfortable. Because I thought that in my life, I really hadn't explored all the different religions out there - I settled into the first religion I was exposed to. And according to the theory, just settling into a decision without first exploring is pretty bad. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was alright - that I had made a conscious decision, not just going along with what my parents chose for me. I prayed about it, and I got my answer. So it really wasn't -fill in word for that outcome-.

But when thinking about what to put for why I'm a Mormon, I am a little concerned that when I say I've been Mormon all my life, I will give the impression that is the reason I am. I want to get across that I made an active choice. But I'm not sure if I can.

On an unrelated note, Santa brought me my tiger this Christmas.

Developing

A while ago I read an article in Scientific American talking about rates of cancer in developed countries (I believe they were referring to Europe and North America) versus developing countries (specifically mentioned were Egypt, Brazil, and Nigeria).

As I understand it, when people talk about developed countries, they mean countries that have achieved, or developed to, a certain point. Developing countries are progressing to that point. I'm not sure exactly what that cut-off is, and am not even sure that there is a real fixed marker. If anyone knows for sure where the cutoff is, feel free to enlighten me.

But when I read the article, the terms seemed, briefly, to be saying that the developing countries are still climbing and growing and achieving new things. Developed countries, however, are done and are just stagnating. I know that isn't what was meant. And that isn't actually the case. But the thought did grab hold of me for about one second.

Mormon.org

For the past couple of  weeks I've been working on setting up a profile on Mormon.org. It took me a while to decide to do it, and even after deciding I've been taking my time about it, because I don't really like being so public. I don't really want to throw my name and face out there for anybody and everybody to see worldwide. It actually bothers me a little knowing that people can click through to here from other people's blogs. And I know they do because I look at my blog stats. And if I have friends in Hong Kong and Argentina, two of the countries where somebody has looked at this site from, then a couple somebodies haven't been keeping me very updated about their lives.

But the Mormon.org feels even more exposed than that somehow. Probably because there's that lack of a friend-to-friend link.

Anyway, there are certain sections in the profile that you have to fill out before making it public. Some of them were pretty easy - name (they don't allow you to use your full name, which I like), ethnicity, and previous religious background required no real thought. About Me and How I Live My Faith required some thought, but not too bad. I hesitated about uploading my picture, but I found one I liked okay and made myself go ahead with it.

But I'm still having trouble figuring out exactly what to say for Why I am Mormon. I'll probably write a bit more about this later, because to really describe my thought process will require me to look up a little terminology that I have forgotten and because this post is long enough already.

Bread and Water

When I was very young, I looked forward to taking the sacrament. Not because I was particularly holy, but because I saw it as a mid-meeting snack, and I liked snacks. I don't think I'm particularly unusual in this.

During sacrament meeting today, I realized that I feel a bit more of a focus on the sacrament on fast Sundays. And I started to wonder if this was a good thing or a bad thing. As a general rule, does my extra attention to the sacrament on fast Sundays help me get more out of sacrament meeting, or am I busy thinking about the food as an opportunity to eat that I focus less on the atonement than usual?

Jolly Old St. Nicholas

Last night was our ward Christmas party. We were told over the pulpit to come in our pajamas, but most of the adults didn't. Sinners.

Anyway, we had the usual dinner, then the Taylorsville Madrigals came and did their program. I mouthed the words to a lot of the songs, but there were a couple new ones I didn't know, too. And then Santa came.

After the party was over, I felt a twinge of wrongness about the Santa thing. Every so often the idea of having such big institutionalized lies bothers me a little. Especially when it's supported at church. But at the same time, I think that Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy bring a lot of fun to childhood, and will probably do them for my own children.

And then I remembered something else that has bothered me about Santa. The gift requests. No, not the making of the requests. But that you write a big letter to Santa telling him everything you want for Christmas, but then when you sit on his knee at the mall or at the ward Christmas party, he asks you what you want. Shouldn't he know from the letter? I'm not sure when I first thought of this, but I'm pretty sure at least once I purposefully told him something I left off of my letter to keep from being redundant.

More recently, though, I've felt like the child in the song Jolly Old St. Nicholas, who says in the last line, "Choose for me, dear Santa Claus, what you think is best." I don't really have a lot of real material desires. Sure, I enjoy new books and movies, but I have a library card that serves me very well. And I can listen to music online. And a lot of the time, I don't even remember what it was that looked good by the time my birthday or Christmas comes around. So I eventually created a file on my computer to list things I liked, so I could later pull from that list to make my gift request lists and give my family something to work with.

There are a couple things that have been in my letters for Santa for a very long time out of tradition. I've been asking for a Gameboy since I was about six, and don't intend to stop. And I've been requesting a tiger for a few years now. This year, I'm adding a sonic screwdriver. And it just may become one of those traditional items. But maybe not.

Reading Responses

When your typical day involves spending between 4 and 5 hours riding or waiting for buses and trains, it's pretty easy to find time to read. So I've done a lot of reading since this April. And a couple of books that I read last month have been demanding that I make mention of them on here.

The first is a book that I've been trying to read since I bought it as a recommended book for a class I took Fall of 2006. It normally doesn't take me anywhere near 4 years to read a book, especially of this length - it's only about 160 pages. But this one, Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition by Barbara J. Risman, was tough because it is based on an assumption that I just cannot get behind. In fact, it goes completely against what I believe to be true. The underlying belief of this book is that we, as a society, need to move beyond gender - that any difference between the sexes beyond basic anatomy is something that we need to get rid of. And it is hard work to read something that directly challenges deeply held convictions, such as that gender is good, right, necessary, and eternal.

There is a lot I could talk about here. She does include some pretty interesting studies, mostly with very solid methodology, and I could discuss what I think of her measures and results. Or I could try to evaluate what exactly I think gender is, because most of her measures I don't really consider accurate reflections of the real differences between masculinity and femininity. But I also can't figure out, if those measures aren't the difference, what is.

But what struck me most is her reasoning behind wanting a post-gendered society. In her introduction, she says, "Although some foraging societies may have had both a gender-based division of labor and near equality of men and women, such a scenario is unlikely in a post-industrial society, where ideology dictates that social position be based on achievement." She herself acknowledges that it is, or has been, possible to have gender divisions and at least near-equality. But there has never been a time in human history where gender was not an important structure in organizing society. So why this insistence on moving beyond gender? Wouldn't it be at least as easy to change society's view to see an equal value in "women's work"? After all, she herself says in the forward "The most important lesson I have learned, and from my mother, is that our post-gender families must elevate the traditionally female values of nurturing and homemaking above all else - for it is this work, what women have always done, that turns isolated individuals into families and communities, brick and mortar in hearth and home, and gives meaning to our lives." When she argues that the work traditionally done by men has greater prestige than that done by women, then says that the traditional women's contributions should be elevated above men's, I see the possibility of making them equal.

The other book I need to talk about is Lost Horizon by James Hilton. I actually did read this before but, oddly for me, remembered nothing other than the most basic ideas behind it. So it was a lot like reading it for the first time.

Before moving on, I must warn you that there may be spoilers coming.

From everything I've heard and read, Shangri-La is supposed to be a utopia. But in reading this book, I found it to be really disturbing. The main reason is probably that nobody is allowed to leave. It doesn't matter how nice the place is - if you can't leave, it is more prison than paradise. And that's the way things are in Shangri-La. And to add to it, they bring people in without warning them of this condition beforehand. Maybe it wasn't quite so bad when they were dealing with lost mountaineers who would have died anyway, but Conway's group was kidnapped for the very purpose of forcing them to come and stay.

Then the knowledge that when someone leaves the mountain they age drastically to where they would have been without the life-preserving properties of the mountain adds a little more creepiness to the situation.

I can see some of the appeal in the place, don't get me wrong. To have so much time to devote to little studies and hobbies and projects that you couldn't do in the regular world does have its draw. But I would still rather live a short life, maybe even in as confined an area, just to have the knowledge that I chose it.

Get the Basics, and Hustle

While watching a football game one day, my friend Sean made a comment about how the coaches usually say the same things in their halftime interviews, usually focusing on very basic things. And I thought that was a lot like the way things go at church. When it comes down to it, we always need to focus on the basics.

Happy Birthday

I notice significant-to-me dates. These are mostly the birthdays of people I feel close to. I often think things like, "Oh, the third season of Buffy is going on Hulu on so-and-so's birthday" or "This invoice was sent on other person's birthday". That can be helpful if I want to remember when the third season of Buffy is going up. But sometimes what I'm noticing is that a letter was written on my birthday, thirty years before I was born. It isn't a particularly helpful thing to notice in this case, but I notice it all the same. And sometimes I think about how whoever was writing the letter had no idea that the date Ocober 27 would mean anything to me. After all, they didn't even know about me.

And then sometimes I start to wonder which dates that feel so ordinary to me now will become significant later on. What will be my wedding date? When will my kids be born? Is today a significant date that I'm just not aware of yet?

High on the Spectrum

I recently read that some people say that shyness could be considered a very mild form of Asperger's. If this is the case, I definitely place on the Autistic Spectrum.

Boys are significantly more likely than girls to be diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder. When I think about shyness, however, I don't really associate it more with one sex than the other. But I've seen no data about shyness rates and wonder if anybody has ever studied that. I'd guess that someone has, but I don't know.

But the actual shyness rates between boys and girls wouldn't necessarily make any sort of case for or against general shyness being on the spectrum. But if a genetic link between autism and shyness were found, that could provide a valid argument. Autism is a genetically complex disorder- or, more accurately, group of disorders- so such a link could exist.

Of course, even if it turns out that shyness does have some sort of relationship to autism, it is not a psychiatric disorder. Some people say that Asperger's isn't a disorder either, but I don't really want to get into that- just acknowledging and moving on. Anyway, what I was taught is that in order to be diagnosed clinically, there needs to be a serious disruption in at least three areas of life. This particular criterion was brought up in a child psych class and the cutoff point may be different for adults, but it gets the point across. Although shyness can be a limitation, it generally is not serious enough to be considered a real disruption. As an example from a different set of behaviors, a tic is not a psychiatric disorder. But Tourette's is. It disrupts all sorts of aspects of a person's life.

More people are diagnosed with ASD than used to be. Some people think this increase is related to chemicals in vaccinations. An explanation more well accepted within the scientific community is that the symptoms are more recognized. But if the increase did come because of vaccinations, and shyness is related to autism, would that lead to higher rates of shyness these days?

I have also heard that a gluten-free, casein-free diet can reduce ASD symptoms. So if I change my diet, can I make all my shyness and social awkwardness go away?

Worst Journal Entry Ever

I was skimming though the journal I used during my senior year of high school and found this entry:

Sunday, Dec. 21, 2003

We

Yes, that's the whole thing.

Alma 31:35

Behold, O Lord, their souls are precious, and many of them are our brethren; therefore, give unto us, O Lord, power and wisdom that we may bring these, our brethren, again unto thee.

I read this last night and thought it is the perfect missionary scripture. Now, there are a lot of missionary scriptures, but I like how this expresses the reason (their souls are precious) and the goal (that we may bring these unto thee) along with the request (power and wisdom), which shows an acceptance of the responsibility and a true desire to fulfill the call. I feel that it expresses a real understanding of the importance of the gospel and of missionary work that I could probably do to have more of.

Plus, I always appreciate a prayer for wisdom.

And A Random Question

As I was going to sleep last night, my thoughts briefly turned to tithing. And I wondered why it is that we pay 10%. A lot of numbers of things in church have some sort of symbolic meaning: 3 and 12 are the most common, but I think 7 comes in there, too. But why ten? The only reason I can think for that particular number is that it makes figuring out how much to pay pretty easy using our numbering system.

On Writing

The writing process is funny. Sometimes I sit down knowing what I want to say, and it all flows out very smoothly. Sometimes I sit with no idea what I want to say, and somehow something comes out that makes perfect sense. Sometimes I know what I want to say, and it comes out, but in the middle of what I had planned to write are some thoughts I hadn't known I had. But sometimes, I sit down to write, knowing exactly what I want to express, but it just won't come. I sit like a stump for a while, then go for a drink. Sit down again and type out a few lines, only to delete them less than a minute later. Stare at the screen for a while longer. Then eventually I manage to get something written that more or less expresses what I had in mind and decide that has to be good enough.

That last scenario is what happened with my last post. I first had the idea to try writing it over two years ago, but couldn't get it right. Then I decided to try again last Tuesday and spent a week trying to figure out how to go about writing it and how to best express my experiences. And now, what I have will have to be good enough, even though it isn't quite what I wanted it to be.

For this post, however, I decided what to say, sat down, and said it.

Highs and Lows (Mostly Lows)

When I was a kid of about ten years old, I read a memoir written by an autistic woman. I don't think I had even heard of autism at the time, but I found it interesting to read an account of a way of seeing the world and a view of thought processes very different from my own. Since then, I have realized that occasionally I get the chance to see the world in a way that many of you have not experienced. So I thought I'd try to share my experiences with you.

As a diabetic, it is important for me to keep my diet, exercise, and insulin balanced. Of course, this is important for everybody, but the effects tend to show more immediately for me if I mess up. I'm normally pretty good at recognizing the signs when my blood sugar levels get out of control. When they're a bit low, for example, there's this certain sort of shaky feeling. I'm having a hard time thinking of a more precise way to describe it, but I know what it feels like, and that's what matters. You may have felt this yourself. Then, when I've identified the problem, I can fix it- in the case of low blood sugar, I grab something to eat.

But once in a while, I don't manage to fix it right away, and my blood sugar continues to drop until it gets dangerously low- enough to majorly impact my thinking. It doesn't happen very often, especially since I started using a new type of insulin in my late teens. But it has happened often enough for me to tell about it.

When blood sugar drops, the heart starts beating faster so more sugar can go to the brain. When I am seriously low, there is still not enough sugar for the brain to function fully. So all of its resources and all of my attention are dedicated to getting food. If whatever I am doing will help me get some sugar into my bloodstream, in an honest and legal way, then I can manage it. But anything that will not contribute to the goal is disregarded. An illustration- during junior high, I once got really low during biology class. So I wrote a note excusing me to go to the counseling center, where I had some juice stored for this sort of situation, and had the teacher sign it. Later on, one of the secretaries mentioned that when the straw poked through the foil on the top of the juice carton, a drop fell on my leg. She said that I hadn't noticed, but this was not the case. I noticed, but it was irrelevant, so I did not react in any way. I also later looked at the note I had written. The handwriting was a bit different from my usual, and I had used the word "the" twice in a row, but it was legible and sensible. I was a little impressed.

Another thing that impresses me when my blood sugar levels drop is my handling of money. I have been in situations where I have counted my money, looked over the options and prices, and taken taxes into account before making my selection. And I have never chosen something that cost more than I had, even by a few cents. At least, not while my blood sugar was low.

But there is one dining situation that is a bit beyond me- choosing something off a menu. The problem? My script for that situation involves reading the description of every menu item that grabs my attention, and that gives me a bit more information than I can fully process in the situation. But I can't think clearly enough to just go off-script. And remember the part about how as much sugar is rushed to the brain as is possible? Well, that means that less goes to other parts of the body. Including the eyes. So I have a hard time focusing, which means I have a hard time reading. So the more reading I have to do, the harder it is. Related to that, I sometimes have a hard time walking. I can usually do it, but can't go in a straight line. And a couple times, I did have a little trouble balancing for a short while. And apparently I've still got some pride going on in there, because when that happened, I worried that I looked like a drunk.

One strange thing related to severe lows is that sometimes, they seem to fix themselves very suddenly. One minute I'm 100% focused on getting carbs into me. The next, I am aware of things going on outside of my immediate environment and I realize the strangeness of my recent behavior. Some examples of my first thoughts after the retreat of my brain fogginess during high school are, "Seriously? I loaded up on salsa packets?" (Thought process- get sugar, get food, salsa is food) and "I really should have told Sam what was going on" (I already had the food I needed, and explanations take effort. And pride might have had something to do with it as well.).

Now, after all of that, I have one request. If you ever notice me acting way out of it, try offering me some juice or a snack. I might need it.

Not-So-Icky-Gooey Love Stuff

A couple thoughts:

1. One evening in institute last fall, the class got into one of those "what do you look for in the other sex?" discussions. While this was going on, I was finally able to put into words the conclusion that I have drawn from the many similar panels/discussions I have been present for. And that is that if you live so that you like and respect yourself, there will be someone else out there who will appreciate you for who you are.

2. I've heard it many times before: a woman says that her husband is a better person than she is. And then the husband responds by saying she thinks he is better than he actually is, and that he tries to be a better person to live up to what she thinks he already is. Or maybe it's the husband saying that he married way above himself, and the wife saying that he underestimates how wonderful he really is. And in thinking about this, I remembered that when we were discussing A Separate Peace in 10th grade English, the point came up that since we see Finny only through Gene's eyes, but we see all that Gene is thinking, we really see more of Gene's dark side than we do of Finny's. But Finny also has his dark thoughts; we just don't see them. We get the view of his good side, but not those things he represses. And then I thought about how we can't really judge anybody completely objectively, ourselves or others.

Forgettable

I recently moved away from where I'd been living for about two years. When I left, several people made the appropriate noises about how they were sorry to see me go, and I believed them. I said I'd be back to visit occasionally, possible even within the week.

As it turns out, I didn't make it back that quickly. And I didn't make it back the next week, either. I did want to see my friends, but the logistics were a little bit complicated. And as the time went by, my motivation decreased, because nobody said anything about it. So I thought probably nobody really cared.

Something similar happened last fall. I had several friends who I was in the habit of visiting on a daily basis - with their encouragement. Then one day I didn't want to see anyone. So I stayed home. Which would have been fine, but that mood continued on for a week. And during that time, nobody said or did anything. No phone calls, no texts, no facebook messages, no knocks on the door from anybody. When I told myself I needed to get out and see people again, they mentioned having noticed I wasn't around. But I couldn't help but wonder how it was that someone can go from visiting daily, usually for pretty significant chunks of time, to nothing for an entire week, and nobody thought to check if something was wrong. After this, I made it a point to at least drop by somebody's place at least a couple times a week, but not nearly as much as I'd used to. And the decrease was noticed and commented on, and I was told I should come by more. But only when I came by. When I wasn't there, there was no contact.

Now I get on facebook and see various people posting comments and links on other friends' walls, while I get none of that. I used to think that I'd get more social notice if I gave more. But then I started trying. I wrote letters and got no response. I called people, and they never reciprocated. And if I come across something that reminds me of a specific person, I tell them about it or post it to their wall. About half the time, I get a response to what I say. The other half of the time, I get silence. No indication if they liked, hated, or even saw what I said.

But what really bothers me is that I often feel I'm the only person initiating contact. The only times I remember getting anything posted on my wall from someone not in my immediate family and not in response to something I said were on my birthday, inspired I'm sure by the birthday notifications on the side of the screen. Nobody has texted me spontaneously since the day I moved. And I can't even remember the last time a friend called me.

Yes, I do appreciate the welcome I get when I make an effort. But is it too much to ask to be remembered by someone when I'm not standing right in front of their face?

Eternal Evolution

I've read a lot of books explaining why evolution has brought humans to be the way we are, both behaviorally and anatomically. Why young men take crazy risks and why we have chins. And there are some interesting theories out there. But while I find it interesting to read about evolutionary benefits to the shape and position of our nose, or why our brow ridge got smaller, I always figured that however we got this way, we look the way we do because that is how we are eternally- the whole "Let us create man in our image" thing.

But the other day I started wondering what made people in this form in the eternal realm. As I understand it, we were created by our Father, which places some sort of timeline as to who was created first. So, have people evolved at all, or was the first in form like we are? Or was there even a first? It doesn't make sense for there not to have been, but maybe that's a limitation of my mortal mind.

He Sent His Son

Music

How could the Father tell the world
of love and tenderness?
He sent his Son, a newborn babe, with peace and holiness.
How could the Father show the world
the pathway we should go?
He sent his son to walk with men on earth,
that we may know.
How could the Father tell the world of sacrifice, of death?
He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath.
What does the Father ask of us?
What do the scriptures say?
Have faith, have hope, live like his Son,
help others on their way.
What does He ask?
Live like his Son.

Mabel Jones Gabbot

This is one of my favorite primary songs. And when I'm singing primary songs to myself, this one usually comes up. It is a pretty great summary of the basic things we should know about Christ's life. And although it can be good to get a bit deeper and deal with complicated issues, you need to return to the basic, simple stuff, too.

A Pound of Virtues

When I was in junior high, I took a class on infant development or some such thing. One day in this class, we had to watch a video. I don't remember what the main focus of the movie was, but I do remember one thing from it.

It said that every child is born with a pound of virtues. Some are especially beautiful, some are good at numbers, and some have great empathy. But everybody has exactly one pound. I came away from that movie lesson thinking about how exactly you go about measuring the various virtues and wanting to make some sort of game out of it. A create your baby, assign the virtues sort of thing. Which, now that I think of it, sounds sort of like assigning attributes in an RPG.

My major vice is romance novels. I'm a bit embarrassed mentioning it here, but it provides the context for my next observation.

In a few novels I've read, the main characters will see their potential love interest and be immediately ridiculously attracted to him/her. And then, because the other person is so incredibly attractive, they assume that they have no other redeeming qualities. That they must be self-centered and self-serving, and have no desire for anything more than a series of flings. Of course, by the end of the novel, each party realizes that the other person is highly intelligent, altruistic, and shares all their beliefs and values.

I've heard anecdotes about people in real life who assume shy, pretty people are snobs. And maybe somebody has made such an assumption about me- I am shy, and know there are at least a couple people out there who consider me pretty. If they have made those assumptions, I never noticed. That makes one possible benefit of being completely oblivious. But my point is, I don't think I'm a snob. And a lot of these shy, pretty people have turned out to be perfectly nice.

So, back to the pound of virtues. I understand the point they were trying to make- everybody is special. Everybody has their own gifts and talents and weaknesses. Don't get down on yourself because you aren't as pretty as Janie or as athletic as Michael or as smart as Kate. And don't put yourself above Ricky and Megan, because they have their own things to offer.

But I do sort of worry that this approach to it could lead to someone thinking that just because somebody is visibly gifted in a few areas- the highly attractive athlete who sings in the choir and gets straight As in honors classes- they can't have the other, less visible attributes. And that is not at all true.

Yes, one video is not likely to cause somebody to think this if their other experiences teach otherwise. But if they see this video, and see enough popular, attractive kids be thoughtless jerks, maybe that would do it.

Writer's Block

I recently realized that I've stopped thinking in stories.

It used to be that if I had time to think, I was probably plotting out a story, developing characters, or building a world. I've been doing this for about as long as I can remember thought patterns. And some of these characters I knew as well as my real life friends.

But sometime in the past year or two, I stopped. I still remember the old plots, worlds, and characters, but there are no new ones, and nothing has been added to the old lately.

I don't know exactly when it happened. I think I might be able to undo it if I start setting aside some regular time for writing. Maybe I'd have to start with prompts from elsewhere. But I think I can regain at least some of my prior inspiration. And I probably will try sometime.

But I have to ask myself, if it took me so long to realize it was gone, then how much do I really need it back?

I Know My Father Lives

Music

I know my Father lives and loves me too.
The Spirit whispers this to me and tells me it is true,
And tells me it is true.

He sent me here to earth, by faith to live his plan.
The Spirit whispers this to me and tells me that I can,
And tells me that I can.

Reid N. Nibley

A couple years ago in Relief Society, the instructor had us go around the room and each choose a hymn that expressed our testimony. And I chose this one because it is the base of what I know. As I've mentioned before, I have wondered about a lot of things. But when I hit bottom, what keeps me going is knowing that He lives and loves me. And that I can always turn to Him, through scripture, prayer, fasting, and priesthood blessings, and he will reaffirm that He is, that I am loved, and that things will work out.

So, How's Life?

I don't like to lie.

When someone asks me how I'm doing, and I feel any degree of closeness to them, I generally try to give them a fairly honest answer. The problem with that is, if I'm not doing so well at the moment, they start asking about why.

And a lot of the time, I don't really want to tell them. If I say I'm doing really badly, it's not so bad. And if I don't want to talk about it I can just say so and be glad they cared enough to ask.

But sometimes they start asking about what's wrong when I give a fairly neutral answer. And over the past year or so, that has really bothered me. Sure, they are trying to be caring and all that. But what I get from that is the sense that life should be all sunshine and happiness. And that is not what life is at all. And while my mood and my view of life is largely up to me, sometimes tough stuff gets me down.

Most of the time when I get asked about why I say life is only okay instead of great, I will give one of two answers. Sometimes I say something about how life can't always be good. And sometimes I say that I'm saving the greats for really extraordinarily happy times, so I can have something left to express how well everything is going.

But there is one girl who has a way of somehow getting me to talk about the stuff that has me down. And I don't really like to talk to her. Because it seems like whenever I do, she manages to get me talking about, and thus thinking about, everything that is going wrong in my life. She even got me doing that at a party once, which really got me out of the party mood. And I know she's just trying to show she cares. But I think the best way for her to show she cares may just be to not talk about my life at all.

Teach Me To Walk In The Light

Music

Teach me to walk in the light of his love;
Teach me to pray to my Father above;
Teach me to know of the things that are right;
Teach me, teach me to walk in the light.

Come, little child, and together we'll learn
Of his commandments, that we may return
Home to his presence, to live in his sight--
Always, always to walk in the light.

Father in Heaven, we thank thee this day
For loving guidance to show us the way.
Grateful, we praise thee with songs of delight!
Gladly, gladly we'll walk in the light.

Clara W. McMaster

This was my first favorite hymn, and whenever I heard it, I felt as though it was played specially for me and my family. I think I felt that the message of this hymn applied very well to me as a child. It seemed to express exactly what I felt was my main duty at that point in my life- to learn what I needed to know and do to return home. And it has a very cheerful, optimistic, feel to it. As if the singing of it brought some of that light into my life.

Music

One of my friends used to occasionally, as he said, judge me by my music. He'd look through my cds or my Pandora stations, then when I finally downloaded iTunes and imported my music there, he checked out my playlists and looked to see what my favorite song was, based on what was most played. When he did this most recently, there was a clear winner. But the thing is, my play counts had all been reset within the past couple of months. And during the time since, my listening habits had changed slightly. I was going through a really hard time in one particular area of my life and listening to music that I felt related to my problems and feelings. So what had become my favorite song then, although I had always liked it, was not my all-time favorite song.

At the end of the morning session of conference today I mentioned really liking a song the Tabernacle Choir was singing, and Mitch said that he really liked the hymn Lead Kindly Light because of the message it contains. And I started thinking about how I have had different favorite hymns throughout the years based on what messages resounded most with me at the time.

So I have decided that I will make a series of posts discussing various songs that have influenced me throughout my life. I'll stick to hymns and primary songs to begin with, but might branch out a little at some point.

Blessed?

Tonight, BYU played Kentucky State in the second round of March Madness. Which was especially exciting since it has been 17 years since we advanced past the first round. It was also the Saturday night session of stake conference. I was not particularly happy about the conflict.

A couple years ago, Dad went to a Saturday night session that was at the same time as an RSL game (away). Real won. Dad said it was a blessing for his having gone to conference.

I went to church tonight. BYU lost 84-72.

It's a shame. In my bracket, I had BYU advancing one more level before losing.

Gratitude

In the fourth book of The Work and the Glory, a newly married couple are living in a sod hut that leaks mud when it rains. The wife suggests that they have a contest to see who can come up with more to be grateful for. They have fun with it, mentioning things like the fact that grass only grows up so they don't have to cut the grass on the ceiling. And at the end, they are both in a much better mood.

I think this is something everybody should probably do more often- look for the good and find the humor in the bad.

Not Room Enough

Today at work, I was transcribing a letter that Rachel wrote to her parents when she was 21. She was talking about how she'd had a good life and great opportunities, and then said that she noticed that the Lord did a lot more for her than she did for him, and she should try to even things out a little.

When I read that, I laughed out loud.

Sometime between thirteen and fifteen years ago, Mom gave a lesson in family night where she gave all of us something- 10 pennies, maybe- to represent blessings from the Lord. Then we were to give some back. But as soon as we gave something back, she would give us more. Much more than we tried to repay. So we would hand more back, only to receive an even greater amount of blessings.

And that's the way it really is. You can't try to pay the Lord back. You will just keep getting farther and farther in debt.

Cheer?

My roommate Tasha often puts inspirational quotes as her facebook status. Today, she had, "I find comfort in the reality that we are sent to mourn with those that mourn. We are not sent to cheer them up." -Melissa Y

And that got me to thinking. When I'm down, a lot of the time the best thing to cheer me up is a distraction completely unrelated to whatever is bothering me. And sometimes that can be a good thing. But eventually, I need to face my problems- either to come to terms with it or to find a solution or just go to work, doing whatever I've known all along needs to be done but haven't wanted to. And that generally is not exactly cheering. But it is what has to be done.

Telephone

I have been scared to make telephone calls for a very long time. I'm not sure why- it wasn't a problem when I was really young. I called to get the homework assignment or to ask Daniel if he could come play with no trouble at all.

But by the time I was a teenager, I had a problem. If I had to make phone calls for any reason whatsoever, I practically needed someone there to hold my hand. It got better, so that in my late teen years I could call a friend to chat just with a couple opening lines and then go ahead and chat. But even in the past year, I could spend anywhere from a couple hours to a couple weeks just working up the guts to make a simple telephone call.

And the thing is, I actually sort of like talking on the phone. Well, better than texting, anyway. Because it takes so much longer to type it all out, and you can't express emotions as well, and you only have 160 characters. But if I have something to say, it usually takes a lot more than that. Yet I am more likely to text than call, because mentally and emotionally, it is easier for me.

There are exceptions. Once I've had several successful experiences with calling the same person, it's fine. So if I want to talk to Mom, I can call her. No problem.

But lately, I've called at least 3 or 4 people for the first time with no hesitation. I'm not sure why this came so suddenly, but I think I may be getting over this weird phone fear.

Now, if I can just get over my automatic reaction of hanging up when I hear an answering machine or voice mail, I'll be set. But that one may take a while. It has been there since my first phone call.

Old Institute Thoughts

Yesterday in institute, I was reminded of a couple thoughts expressed in previous institute classes that I have taken.

1. Fall 2006- The Savior's Enabling Power. It focused on the atonement and genealogy. And, yes, the way the class was taught the combination worked perfectly. And the thought was something along the lines that even though we can use the atonement to repent of our mistakes, we can go further if we take it into our lives now, since we can keep going forward from where we are now instead of spending time falling backward, then using the time and energy to catch up to where we were and then moving forward again. A quote that I have since come across says, "Men do not suddenly become righteous any more than a tiny acorn suddenly becomes an oak. Advancement to perfection can nevertheless be rapid if one resolutely strides toward the goal." (Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness)

2. Fall 2008- Doctrines of the Gospel. I can't find the quote used in class to illustrate this point, but the idea was brought forth that Christ is both our judge and defense attorney. And isn't it comforting to think that the judge is personally invested in us winning our case?

Something About Human Relationships

Sometimes having to tell somebody what you want them to do cheapens the effect when they actually do it. I was thinking about this, and trying to work out how to explain why it is, when I remembered that it is not just a human thing:

For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; (Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-27)

But we are given commandments- told certain things that we should be doing. And we should remember that for human relationships. Yes, it's nice when people do considerate things for you on their own. But you should also be willing to tell what you want sometimes.