Awesome Weekend

Friday night - Movie (Night at the museum 2) with my youngest, while the older hung out with the rest of the teens (boys) outside.

Saturday - Took kids and my mom to a game reserve / predatory cat nursery and rehab centre. Got to play with Siberian Tiger cubs. It was the most awesome thing I have done in many many years.

My little one was a bit scared, so she opted to take the pics instead.

Then a guy who calls himself Tigerman gave us a talk on the Siberian Tigers - the largest species in the world. They have two adults - Alice and Apollo. When these cubs first opened their eyes, the first thing they saw was Tigerman, so they really think he is their parent. It is apparent as the love they show for him is simply amazing.

Apollo weighs 270kg (about 600lbs), but is like a little kitten in his hands. No punishment training is used (whips or electric prodders etc). The only 'weapon' he carries is a little spray bottle with water lol....

And then later, Eddie the cheetah showed off how fast he can run, lazily outrunning anyone who was willing to take up the challenge. The sound of a purring cheetah is still one of the most humbling sounds on the planet.

Sunday, chilled with the kids, made bacon and eggs then the girls were working on a dance routine (which I got roped into because I know some of the moves - long story haha).

Majestic

The King (pride of white lions at feeding time)

Playing with the cubs

This is where Timone retired
Gemsbok
Waterbuck showing their distinctive markings on cue

"Apollo" (Polly for short)
If Tigers could Purr
Volunteers trying to outrun Eddie the Cheetah

And the obligatory cute guy

His name was Josh

I may have posted about this before, but it's worth a re post because not even I can find the original post.

I think many of us have been through the chat room phase. I am glad it is lost it's lustre in popularity for the most part. They are fraught with lurkers; molesters; and a mix of really good people. The problem is that it is difficult to tell the difference.

I have made two really good online friendships that have lasted for more than four years though.

Tim is in his fifties, married, bi. We catch up at least once a week with each other. He supported me through my divorce, never judging. There was seldom any suggestive talk - even though he was into it lol. We have chatted on the phone a few times, and I once nearly got to meet him as there was a conference in his city that I was to attend. Unfortunately it was cancelled at the last minute. I supported him through his wife's cancer treatment and his resulting financial crises.

Matt found me on some random site. Again, we still chat once a week. He is in his twenties and lives with his bf in Oz. I won't deny that our relationship went as far as one can go online. We spent hour after hour chatting. I was (still am I guess) in love with him, and him with me.

Again, I came very close to meeting with him on a business trip, but I simply ran out of time. We will meet one day though, it is just one of those things.

I met V online on a local gay dating site. We have also been chatting for over three years. We also catch up every now and then. The difference here, is that V lives literally half an hour's drive from me. The funny thing about our 'meeting' online, is that he mistook me for someone he knew, and struck up a conversation with me quite randomly. After he had realised his mistake, we laughed a lot about it, we still do. V was then just nineteen, and when he realised he had struck up this convo with some 'old' dude, it was hilarious. Nevertheless, whenever we saw each other online, we would spend some time chatting about arb stuff.

We have threatened to try meet and have coffee a few times, but circumstances have always come between us. But it is one of those things that is just perfectly fine. These days we just swop hi's in passing, he still teases me about my age, and I still laugh at his 'up and down' relationship with his so-called bf....

But then there was Josh. Just another typical young man battling with his sexuality and wanting to come out to his parents. He was 26, and worked a cattle farm with his father. He was a friend of Tim's, and pretty soon, we both spent many days giving him support leading up to his coming out to his parents. Pretty much the same as a lot of bloggers in our community here.

It should have gone well. He was close to his parents, lived in a country where acceptance levels are high, not a terribly religious background, not promiscous or fem in any way. Just a good sweet guy, salt of the earth.

His coming out never went well. His father beat him up. He left his house (which was a few miles from his parents place), packed his van and headed off to the city. Tim and I were in a panic, not knowing how to get hold of him, wondering all the time what had happened. We managed to chat a couple of times when he was online at an internet cafe. He was sleeping in his truck, had been mugged and lost some of the cash he had taken with him.

After a few days, his dad called him to say he is sorry, and that he had reacted badly and asked him to return home. Pensively, he made the trip back home, and after meeting with his parents, he once again disappeared offline. A week later, his brother - out of the blue - mailed both Tim and I to tell us that Josh had asked him to mail us to say he was okay because he knew we would be worried. He had tried to take his own life and was in hospital with no way to go online.

Shortly after that, he was back, in better spirits, and planned to go stay with a friend for a week while he figured out a way forward. He had decided to go back to college and finish his degree and basically get out the farming business and on with his own life.

Sadly, a week later, his brother once again mailed us to let us know that they had buried Josh. He did go up to the friends house for a while, but returned early and took his own life in his own house. His brother had found him only two days later.

I guess the point I am trying to make here is that as much as we think just because some of us are out and everyone is okay with it, we can never fully understand the particular situations other people may be in. I for one am certainly not a qualified therapist with the necessary tools and experience to offer advice. I learnt that from Josh.

So forgive me if I sometimes seem distant when there are cries for advice. It's not that I don't care - quite the opposite. I can be a shoulder to cry on, and can offer love and support. But advice? I am wary of offering, unless I have known you for a long time, or perhaps have met irl...

Peace and love...

Getting ready for the weekend

I for one am in a good mood today! Had a full eight hours sleep haha! Also dreamt some cool stuff - none of which I can remember, but woke in a good mood.

It was Craig's birthday on the 26th, so hopefully he will be around sometime this weekend.

My mom wants me to go to brother's farm from the 13th, but it is Iain's birthday that weekend, and I know he will be very disappointed if I am not there. But on the flipside, I am not sure when I am going to be able to go to the farm again. It is exactly 1,000km from my house to the entrance gate of the farm lol....

My mom is going with a friend of hers, Angie, who is a bit of a pain but bearable. There is zero access to Internet (no cell coverage), but they do have Sat TV with a few channels to watch. Typically, we do a lot of walking, a lot of sleeping, a lot of eating and a LOT of reading.

The nearest shop is 50km along a dirt road (65km if you go the tarred route). Ah well, I still have time to decide.

Paying bills today :( but at least I have the money to pay everything for a change lol....

I think I need to take a lottery ticket this weekend - its a big one for us. Perhaps on Monday I can begin living my bling celebrity life haha!

Hmm.. I need to start thinking about the weekend. The girls are with me and I want to do something special for a change. I think I want to take a trip out to the Cradle of Humankind. there is a cool game park there, and they have some lion and cheetah cubs you can play with.

Cheetah's are such beautiful cats. I think they are the only of the big cats that purr. And they purr LOUDLY lol...

laterz!!!

Oh and I am meeting X on Sunday evening hopefully..... so kinda excited about that too.

Phone Advice - HTC Dream

W just got the new HTC Dream Google phone, so I am going to see it later.

But he just got it, so there is no awareness of potential pitfalls. I love my old HTC Smartphone - even with it's quirky idiosyncrasies.

Does anyone have any comments about the Dream?

I am due for an upgrade, but have been putting it off waiting for just the right model.....

Mails of a more positive nature

Was still lying awake at 3am again this morning. Got up and had a snack, and wasn't even horny enough for a wank which usually helps hehe...

Got 2 significant mails today. One from some old queen wanting to meet for coffee. I might just anyway; he seems like a really nice guy whose partner recently committed suicide. I guess he just really needs someone to talk to and comes across as being really shy. There's an ulterior motive too, but it is coincidental really. Iain's mum is big into dog shows (they breed Danes), and she has asked if I am interested in doing the official photo's at some of their shows - its a bit of a money spinner which I need right now. I have never taken pics of dogs and cats before, but I can easily learn. The guy who wants coffee is also big into the dog and cat show thing, so it would be nice to know someone else in the industry if I follow thu with this. He has amazing website of his breeding programme, and the photo's are pretty crap, so perhaps I could at least help him out that way.

2nd mail was from my old friend CrazyJ. Amazing guy. He was the first person ever that I interviewed and awarded a job lol. Back in the days of my ambitious youth, I joined a company as a hot-shot sales manager and it was one of my first tasks to expand the sales force. He turned out to be my star sales guy over the year he was with us.

He left to pursue a more lucrative sales career, and we have remained friends since we first met fifteen years ago. He is one crazy fuck though. One of the horniest sexual animals I have ever come across haha.... He has tried EVERYTHING. And yes, he even asked me if I was prepared to fuck him just so that he could notch up that experience. I declined of course haha! He did find a willing partner though.

As part of our combined bucket list items, we want to produce a low budget porn movie. It will happen one day, even if it never makes any money; we just want to say that we have done it hehe.

On a final note, some of our fellow bloggers are going through lows at the moment, it just seems it's the season for it. I am not going to mention names, but they know who they are. If you are having a good day, spare a thought for the ones that are special to you.

Much Love

S

Tuesday Summary

Only got to sleep at 3am this morning.

Mother called at 7am to tell me little brother is in hospital with kidney stones. Ouch.

So yeah.... email from stalker chick - see last post.

Went to see brother in hospital around lunch time. We talked a bit of shite. he's nicely drugged up on painkillers and looked fine. If it hasn't passed by tomorrow morning, they will attempt ultra-sound to break it up.

Then took my car to be washed. While that was being sone, I sat at the pub and had a late lunch - their famous burger with greek salad (I don't do fries).

While I was sitting their, I realized that across the room, my first boy-crush was having lunch and drinks with his lawyer cronie friends. While he looked very much like the pic in the linked post a long time ago, today he is balding and boring. If only he knew haha....

I never spoke to him - or the other old school mate he was with. We just don't mix in the same circles.

Just got home (5pm), and was checking mails. X (black boi), had mailed me, so I returned with a quick hi. 5 min later he called me! lol. I have pics of him, so I KNOW he is cute, but his voice is sweet. A little fem, but sweet. So we chatted a bit and are going to try do a movie on Sunday night....

Still VERY uncertain whether this is a good thing, but anyway.

The reply... lol

Why am I not surprised?

-------------------------
This is what I sent her:

Hi A****,

I have been discussing ***** with a friend and may be interested in starting something small with her. I have to diversify what I do, as some of my work is too sporadic now to rely entirely upon.

Please let me know if there is a way I could slowly buy some licenses for which you have already paid. It’s still in idea phase, but I need to know.

I hope you are doing well.

Sethy

----------------------

This was the reply:

this is a a shock to me.
I never expected to hear from you again.
This last t year has almost been the end of me not that you would ever see your roll in that.
You ditched me after I put everything on the line for you
Now you want my dream!
Calculate what i paid you and what you did
What I spent to convince you to to this
Do you ever plan on pay me back?
I paied you for doing a job you never did.
Now you and your girlfriend want to milk me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You have less scrooples than anyone I know excepy my brother
but then you both had grandmothers that thought you were perfect,
Lucky you
So For now no
And please dont steal my dreams

------------------------

I guess the alcohol and the delusions are still there. I guess she still thinks I am the bad guy. I am eagerly awaiting the follow up mails that will inevitably follow. I hope she does, because it is actually amusing how she can change from day to day. Though it does sound a little final - though I have thought that before.

I guess I have two choices now. Either just drop the idea, or go through the (more expensive) back door and do it anyway. I have a conscience though, and reading in between the lines it looks like she will be moving back after all. The reason I say that is that if she wasn't intending using the licenses herself, she is certainly taking "biting your own nose off to spite your face" to its extreme.

My grandmother thought I was perfect? hehe.... fuck

The "girlfriend" she is referring to is my sister-in-law by the way.

Hell hath no fury..........

Silly Post

Sorry, but I have to punish you with this.....

Click here for your band Name

Click here and take the last four or five words from any of the quotations for your album name

Click here and use the THIRD Image as your CD Cover.

Photoshop or whatever together and Post.

Better still, mail it to me (with your blogname and stuff so I know who you are), and I will do a collage post if I get enough of them. Kinda like a bloggers Community CD Store.

The suspense is Killing ME

No answer on my mail yet lolz....

Oh, and mother just called. Little brother is in hospital with kidney stones.... ouch!!!!!!

They are operating tomorrow apparently. She asked if I could go and see him this afternoon, then she will duty later this evening as she works full day today.

I remember when Trev had kidney stones. It's not fun seeing a grown man lying in the bathroom crying. I wasn't very sympathetic though, we were on the verge of breaking up lol....

So its done

I mailed stalker chick. Planned it so it would get to her way past (normal people's) bed time in her time zone, in case she has a bottle or six under the belt. That way she will only read it when she gets to work in the morning.

The downside is that if it makes her angry, she will stew over it the whole day and her response will be particularly scathing.

It's weird though, everytime I get a 'new mail' sound, it kinda makes me jump. Lol, she really fucked with my head. I still can't believe that it degenerated from holding hands while her kids played on the beach into threats of sending nude pics of me to my friends....

The wildest rollercoaster ride I have ever experienced.

Even doing the highest bungie jump in the world last year seems like a doddle hehe....

Oh....

And I texted X on Sat night too..... Our correspondence had just fizzled out.

I really, really like him. RC's experience with Mr Mojito struck a chord though. I am afraid that if it turns out to be a once off, I am going to be disappointed. And the complication is so much deeper. It's an interracial thing, and as much as it doesn't matter to me, I am afraid there is still so much racism around. My kids mother is one of the worst.... and I am not sure how my kids would cope if X ever became part of my life. It's enough they have to deal with having a gay father.

I don't want to start a relationship that has to be hidden. It would be like walking back into the closet. And I really like it out here in the sunshine.

Why is life so HARD sometimes? God I hate prejudice, labels and stereotyping.

The Weekend - in brief

I feel like I am losing impetus on my blog.... Though I think it has more to do with the way I feel in general at the moment.

Welcome to Tyler from Thoughts of a Gay Boy in Highschool as my latest follower. I have been following him for a while, so it's always cool to have reciprocation. lolz at the "stupid history teacher". I had a bunch of those too :)

I had a really full weekend. Went to see Demons and Angels with my girls on Friday night. I hadn't seen them for over a week, so it was really cool to have them around. I sometimes feel like I am slowly losing them, I am not sure why, but I so get that feeling. It doesn't help that I have been in financial crisis mode for a while now, and perhaps I feel like I am letting them down in some way. I know it is irrational, but I still feel it.

On Saturday, I went to mothers house to help sort out some man chores for her. Her Sat decoder was down, so we ended up driving through to Randburg to get a swop out. Fuck, I was SUPER impressed by their service. And it was good to actually travel more than 5km away from home for a change lol.

Watched the Rugby at Le Irish Pub with Iain. Drank like a sailor. We went off to Le Rasta Style place after, and just continued to party. Jacques and his wife arrived after I called them (drunken dialing). It was a little stoopid because whenever Jacques is around, all he does is try to make everyone around him as pissed as possible with shooters. And he is always succesful dammit. Jag Bombs abounded, and god knows what other stuff was consumed. Needless to say I had the mother of all hangovers on Sunday morning. We danced on the table and I had almost no voice as the band was really good - prompting us to sing as loudly as possible to all the covers. The drummer was super cute lol.... I vaguely remember saying something suggestive to him in between sets.

On Sunday, little brother invited mother and I to lunch at his place. He bbq'd some fish on the Weber. It was fn amazing! And his partner just makes the most amazing salads and veggies and stuff. Enough to feed an army as usual. We ended up watching the IPL final before going home. Invented a new drink: Volcanic Rock Shandy lolz... Brother and I are like that. We were like two little kids again yesterday, laughing and talking shite the whole day. I have missed that so much.

Blogging is going to be a little sparse for a while. I have so much to do.....

And it starts with me having to mail stalker chick today. I have been putting it off for over a week now. It's not the mail thats the issue, its the response that worries me. If she is still drinking like she was last year, I KNOW I am going to get a barrage of hate mail that is totally unrelated to what I am asking. But I have to do it to cover my ass before I go with the next step. It's a long story, and I am not going to bore you with the details.

A little down today... grrr.

New Poll!

So if you are on a reader, please make time to actually visit so that you can participate in the new poll.

Basically, I would like your input on whether I should post a pic of myself (non-nude hahaha). Please note, that even if I get an overwhelming yes vote, I still reserve the right to make my own decision. Call me chicken if you like.

One of the issues for me is that I know I have built mental images of my favourite bloggers, and am not sure myself if I would like to actually know what they look like. But then again, by having a true image of someone makes them 'more real', and perhaps adds weight to their blogs and comments.

Comment if you like too about your own feelings about putting images of yourselves on your own blog.

And to close the age gap issue....

Here are the final results to my poll which I put up to get an idea about the age of people visiting my humble blog.

I received 109 responses.

Under 18 : 15%
18-25 : 28%
25-35 : 10%
Over 35 : 45%

I must be honest and say that when I started this blog, I never expected to have as many readers and commenters, and I am grateful for that. I get as much out of blogging and responses as I do reading and commenting on others'.

And I am happy with the age ratio's.

Part of my mission here, is to reach out with my own experiences so that others may not feel alone on their respective journeys.

There are younger bloggers whose own experiences I can identify with, and hopefully they can take some cues from my own life to chart some direction in their own.

And then the older bloggers, some of who are out, some not, some married with kids, some just here to give support to others....

It's a great mix and I am grateful to have come into contact with each and every one of you.

Thankyou for visiting, and make it real some time and drop me a mail to chat.

Hmm, what to poll about next?

Sethy

And on the subject of ages....

If you follow me on a reader, please pop in and fill in my poll, as I want to to take it down later.

>>>>

I need to think of a new one now :)

And speaking of age gaps...

So being with P this weekend just reinforced my preference for being with someone younger.

He is pretty much the same age as me, but I just felt like I was with this old guy. It weirded me out, especially after we had drunken sex on the first night. We both knew it was going to happen. The last time we actually did anything together was when we were in our teens.

I guess it just brought back too many harsh memories of those days.

I just don't FEEL the age I am. When I am with guys my own age, I feel like I am with a bunch of old people. W is 14 yrs younger than me, Iain is ten yrs younger. Last year I spent a lot of time with a 22yo who begged my cousin to introduce me to him. That makes him twenty years younger. It wasn't ideal of course, especially since he looked even younger (my mother still refers to him as my 14yo), and I broke it off.

So many gay guys who find themselves in work situations with kids (such as teachers/sports coaches etc) remain closet for good reason. It just seems to me that there is this fucked up perception that ALL gay men cannot be trusted around teenage boys. And it IS a fucked up perception. One that angers me beyond rationality.

In our little community here, there is a very wide range of ages, yet we all share a common thread, yet I still find myself feeling weird about commenting on our younger friends' blogs for fear that it may be taken the wrong way....

I will always look at good looking twinky type boys. My str8 friends will always look at barely legal girls. It doesn't make us weird, it confirms our humanity. These are human forms in the prime of their lives, individuals of absolute beauty.

It's not that I want to be WITH them, it's because I wish I WAS them.

And having been a victim of a pedo, I sometimes feel I have a need to protect others from the same situation.

It's actually called Objectification through Identification if I recall correctly.

So... I am putting it out there. Do I make sense? Am I weird? I really, really want to hear your views. It doesn't have to be through commenting, it can be an e-mail too.

Dinner and some grovelling

So I mentioned earlier that through doing something silly, I ended up hurting my best friend. The something silly is unimportant, but I do forget sometimes that we all mean different things to different people, and our actions have consequences.

So after swopping a bunch of mails and texts yesterday, I invited W out to dinner last night. It was just amazing...

I took him to our favourite Portuguese restuarant (he doesn't eat Sushi so that excluded my all time favourite place lol). We each had a large grilled sardine for starters, then grilled calamari for mains. He had the steak, while I opted for tubes peri-peri style. A good bottle of Red wine in between, and Irish coffees to end.

We just talked and talked and talked......

I surprised myself by opening up to him about things I had never really gone into any depth about. The weekend with Patrick opened a few old wounds (not that Patrick knew), but it also made me rethink a lot of things on a personal front.

He surprised me by referring to me as his 'bestest friend in the whole world' to someone who called him while we were having our coffees..... a kinda boyish cute thing to say in the context of his otherwise sometimes over mature attitude to life.

We talked at length about the blogosphere, and about some of the characters around here. He keeps his own blog, but neither of us want access to the others' for fear we may self censor in the process, and that's not the point here.

W and I started out as lovers. We met through an online dating site nearly three years ago now. We were blown away by each other. But as we became closer, he pulled back. I was really hurt at first, and for more than a year I battled with accepting that this was never going to be the long term lover I dreamed of.

But somehow, we have just remained the best of friends. We have supported each other through a lot of stuff. He now lives much closer to me, and we still want to buy a house together. Not to be together as lovers/partners, but to share some parts of our lives, share resources, that kind of thing. I thought at first it was an age gap thing, but in reality, it has never been an issue. I understand now why he pulled back, but that's not important here. We see the same therapist, so have chatted a lot about our sessions.

He looks and acts older than he is, and I look and act younger than I am. We are often taken as being just a couple of years apart when in fact there is a fourteen year gap. My kids adore him. So does my mother lol.... She was shocked about a month ago when he came to visit me at mother's house on his birthday and she found out how old he really was. She thought he was close to mid 30's, when in fact he just turned 28.

His parents like me. A lot lol....

His younger brother is incredibly hot haha! There's a funny story behind that, but this post is already too long.

I am just glad to have met him and have him in my life, to have someone I can discuss my life with, to share stories of lovers and friends, to have a shoulder to cry on, to BE a shoulder to cry on. Even if he asked, I could never be his lover again. And for that I am somehow glad. I don't ever want to spoil what we have now.

We will always have Breakfast at Tiffany's

Be prepared for a few posts today....

First a little rant.

Internet is expensive where I live. I use a wireless provider which means I have to be close to a local tower. I have a reasonable download speed (usually around 0.5 mbps) and my package includes 2.5 gigs combined down/upload. After I reach this 'cap', my speed is throttled to dial-up speed which is hellishly frustrating. I usually buy an extra gig towards the end of the month (like I did yesterday.

For this, I pay around $65 (US) a month. My extra gig costs me about $23. So thats a total close to $90 a month for 3.5gigs

So yesterday, I went to the site to buy my extra gig, and decided to check out some other packages with more bandwidth. Seems they have changed all the packages (a year ago!) and the one I am on doesn't even exist anymore.

There is a package of 5 gigs for $70!!!!!

So for a YEAR, I have been wasting money buying extra badwidth when for all that time they have reduced their prices and just kept milking guys like me on an older contract, paying older inflated prices!!!!

AARGHH!!! I hate ISP'S!

So I called the Call centre number, and because it is after the 15th of the month, I can only effect a change to the new package from the 1st of July!

Frustrating....

My cell phone is my next project. I also pay too much for my contract because I have been on the same package for twelve years lol, and their are better combinations now... and I need a new phone.

What's up with following and stuff?

Getting mightily annoyed that my posts aren't showing up on readers and in dashboards.....

Please drop me a comment if you see this one in your reader as I have changed a bunch of settings to see if it might kick itself right.

Thanks

Sethy....

hmmm...

I am such an ass sometimes. Forget how much I mean to some people.

Did a mildly silly thing last night, and ended up hurting my best friend.

Fuck, I feel stupid now.

So weirded out at the moment.

His latest mail:

Yeah but you say you don't wanna go out and want to spend time alone so I leave you too it - then you go out anyway. Then when we do go out you say how much you'd rather be at home. You really think if you didn't mean so much to me I would get p!ssed off at you when I get hurt? Or when you drop me or when you in a mood or don't talk to me anymore about things.

Just want to sit in the corner and cry.

Star Trek

Oh, and I went to see the Star trek movie yesterday while P was doing business meetings.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I enjoyed it! The casting was perfect. Chris Pine (James Tiberius Kirk) is SMOOOKIN' hot! I actually had a lump in my throat quite a few times during the movie.

Even the characters' mannerisms were true to the original cast.

I wouldn't call myself a Trekkie, but I have pretty much seen all of the original series (a lot on 16mm) and have seen all the movies.

This one certainly did not disappoint at all.

Kudo's to the cast and crew.

I also saw 'I love you man!' Also a pretty awesome movie. Kinda chick-flick for bois if that makes sense.

Overdrive.....

I was reading this post by Torchy! boy (aka Rudeboy/limpy boy), and suddenly realised I have spent three hours just trying to catch up on the blogs I officially follow, and I haven't even got to the porn sites on my reader.....

I will blog a bit about the Cape Town trip later. I am hungover at the moment cos I stepped off the plane and into a music quiz, then AliGirl and Liam Neason Lookalike joined Iain and I. It was a recipe for an all nighter. The Liam guy's birthday was at midnight, so we hung about a bit, and joined him with tequila's and stuff.

I gave Ali a lift home (she shares apartment with W). So we decided to get his tongue wagging at us today by me spending the night there, sharing her bed. All innocent like. I really can be a gentleman if I bite my tongue really hard until I pass out.

Turns out the laugh was on us. He was awake when we got in and heard all our attempts at trying to be quiet and not giggle.

So I dropped her off at work this morning and eventually got home, thirteen hours after my plane landed. I feel like shit at the moment.

But, older brother called, invited me to dinner tomorrow night to discuss business plan I suggested to his wife last week. Actually that's amazing news, cos I can't do it on my own, and he has capital to help her (us) get off the ground. I will do techy stuff, and presentations. She can get contacts and setup clients. Its a win win, and it could actually turn into something really lucrative. So glad I have faith in the universe. I long ago stopped stressing too much about money.

Patrick lectured me the whole weekend about getting old and retirement funds, and university fees, and blah blah blah... It was easier just to keep wanking... fuck. He is driven by fear of poverty. I am driven by a passion to make a difference in people's lives. Was kinda sad to see the little scared boy I once knew still lurking under the big personality he tries to project.

But more about that later...

Oh, and my original point was that I try me damndest to read every entry to every blog I follow, but it has reached a point where it takes me nearly two hours a day just to read, comment and post, and I have a feeling this temporary retirement I find myself in is about to come to an end.

So if I am a little thin on commenting and bloggin for a while, know that I am still here, still reading, still downloading more porn than is healthy for the average male, but trying to fit in some more rl stuff.

I do LOVE getting mails though, and will answer each and every one promptly, though I am not that good at starting convo's on msn. So say hi if u see me online.

Much love

sat night

ended up at surfer dude and gf,s house. P was trying to get into
surfer dudes pants, and gf trying to get into mine. neither were
succesful. crashed in their spare room after too much beer and a
joint... ugh.

having breakfast now while P is at gym in the sauna trying to get
alcohol out his system and no doubt havimg a wank in the shower as he
is apt to do.

laterz.....

cold and rainy

So its cold and wet in cape town. since we landed. yesterday we went
to Sexxpo which is a kind of giant adult store expo. all the suppliers
from around the country gather together to show their wares. strip
shows and stuff too. fun, but meh... more when i get home...

Grr! And happiness :)

So I am still pissed about arguing with the ex last night. Add to that, I hate it that I had to have a fight over the phone in front of my mother.

Couldn't get to sleep till way after midnight and woke at 4am. My mind was just spinning!

So I went shopping for clothes this morning. From the weather reports, looks like Cape Town is raining and cold - typically Winter CT, so I had to fast forward my winter clothing shopping. Not much, just a couple pairs of jeans, and a couple of warm tops. But I despise shopping for clothes, but anyway, has to be done sometimes. Packing for my trip now. The mood is already disappating just thinking of getting on the plane. Think I will wear my bling diamond in my ear this weekend lol.

Hmm, need to stock up on lube and condoms lol.... almost forgot about that.

And yay! Found a packaging company really close by that supplies the containers I need for [secret product]. Logo is almost ready. Thought of great new permutation of the product early this morning. Nix had some excellent ideas yesterday, as did little brother's partner. Website setup next week. Luckily I have geek friends willing to jump in and help. Label print, new test batch with some slight changes to the setup, and I will be ready to go to market! Fuck, I never figured this would actually come to fruition, and with so little outlay. It's amazing how your subconscious can mull over something, then suddenly present all the right solutions when you are ready. And present the right people to help out.

Then I will start on stalker girl issues to buy some of the licenses she isn't using. But that's going to take a lot of courage and thought lol! The last thing I need is for her to think I am in any way letting her back into my life. But the subconscious has been preparing the wording for me, when I am ready, it should just flow..... Sister-in-law and I will get that going together, but it will only be later on in the year. Karma is a very real and powerful thing.

Still weirded out about the motivations behind this weekend lol..... but I love being weirded out. makes life so much more interesting. It reminds me of when I decided to become a rent boy as my holiday job in high school..... but that's another post hehe....

A FULL day!

Started off, got a call from Stu, who I haven't spoken to for a long time. Love the guy lol. He is an old high school friend who I will post about seperately (I have a draft post nearly done). So we chatted for more than half an hour about life, love etc.

Then Nix (My Brizvegas ex high school gf and still my soulmate) popped up on Skype... "just chatted to Stu, says u are full of beans"

So she and I were voice chatting on Skype for more than an hour. During this, little brother calls me all excited about the 'new' Landy he bought and he also needed some data I worked on last year.

So I went thru to his place to drop the data, and see the Landy. It is beautiful. Rooftent, fridge, all the stuff u need for camping etc. So we were going to meet his partner for a pub lunch but it wouldn't start hahahaha! Some electrical problem is my guess. So we went in my car to meet her and her business partner who were just finishing off a business meeting lunch.

We stayed a long while, drinking and laughing more than we have for ages.

Then off to mother's place to arrange things for the weekend. It's my weekend with the kids, so I had a lot to sort out as I am off to Cape Town tomorrow afternoon. All done to the smallest detail.

Then the ex-wife called and we had a MAJOR fallout about the weekend. I basically told her to mind her own fucking business during this weekend as it is my designated time. I have arranged everything to the last detail. Mother will do duty fetching and carrying - even two trips to a weekend camp that my youngest is attending - a three hour drive round trip each way.

She tried to make me feel guilty by saying my oldest didn't want to spend the weekend with my mother, but I had already asked her on Monday, and she was perfectly fine with it. So I said even if she wasn't, the least she could do was to suck it up for two nights, one of which she was spending most with a friend at movies anyway.

The real issue of course is that I am off to Cape Town, and she isn't. A jealousy issue, so fuck her actually. I wasn't the one who filed for divorce, or even suggested we seperate anyway. (not that it's bad thing lol). Hmmm, I guess I have no more buttons for her to push.

Grrrrrr! Some anger, but anger is sometimes good to clear the mind.

And I can post off my phone (by mailing via gmail), but I can't read or comment on any other posts. I will be back late on Monday night, so it will probably take me most of Tuesday morning to catch up and post some pics etc.

Those of you who follow le twitter style... I am sure there will be an update or two.

So now I am off to shower and trim and Veet any unwanted hair from strategic places......

Hmmm... what is going to happen this weekend, I wonder......?

test post

so this is just to test whether i can post via my phone while i am away....

So yeah, I cheated once (Cont'd)

Went out with Iain to the Rasta Style place tonight. Was actually a little on the boring end of things. Firstly it is fn cold, and even though they had the fire lit, the doors were still open and the draft was everywhere. The band arrived late and only started playing at ten. And Iain was in a depressing mood. So just got home, I left the heating on, so it is beautifully warm...

--------

So back to the story...

The taxi dropped me off in front of this place called The Bronx. Anyone from Cape Town will know the place. I guess it is THE first place to go to if you want a gay club experience in Cape Town. Basically, as I remember it (it was a good five years ago), it was a bar on a corner. I arrived too early for anything to be actually happening, and at first was a little disappointed. There were only a handful of guys just chatting quietly here and there, having a drink or two. I was already quite on my way after the afternoon's white wine, so I just kept going. By the time the place started pumping, I was pretty inebriated.

As this was my first real experience of anything gay, I kept to myself, and just got drunk. Slowly, but steadily.

At some point, this guy comes up to me, and says his friend really likes me, and could they join me for a drink. Of course I say...

So they come over. The interested boy is pretty much just legal drinking age, a light skinned latino looking coloured guy, tallish, pink t-shirt, tight low rider jeans, fake diamond in one ear, a smile that lit up the room, and lips I simply wanted to consume. I bought them drinks, then his friend mysteriously disappeared at some point. We drank and chatted. His hand was on my leg. We moved outside where it was darker.

As soon as we found a quiet place, we were kissing. It was consuming, desperate. I had more than a decade of pent up feelings, he was just plain horny.

He came back with me to the hotel. As soon as the door was closed, we were stripping each other off, lips never unlocking. I had him in my mouth, then mine in his, all the time breaking for breath and more kssing. His lips were sweet and soft, his body tight and ready.

All I wanted was to be fucked again. It was obsessive. I rode him till we both were spent and exhausted. I can't be sure how long it was, the Vodka blurred the hours. Cum on light chocolate skin. There cannot be anything better.

We fell asleep, interlocked, still breathing sex.

At about five in the morning, I woke with his lips carressing my soft cock. I pretended to be asleep, taking in the portrait of his closed eyes as he gently had me in his mouth. I was more sober then, and as much as I tried, I was getting hard again. He lay against me, realising I was awake. We kissed again. It was the thing I missed most; no-one kisses like a man.

Soon he was behind me again, his cock inside me was a symbol of everything I had missed. It was over too soon, and as I drifted off to sleep, I felt him slip out of me, felt the wetness on the sheets.

Too soon, my alarm went off. He was getting out the shower, had made me coffee which was still hot next to the bed. Soon his smiling face was in mine again.

"I have to get home to change and get to work."

And with that, all that was left was the smell of him on the sheets. No name, no number.

I never went back, the Bossman wanted to entertain clients. Girl was talking to me again.

Two days later, I was back at home. G and I were still sharing a bed, but our intimacy was long gone already. I lay awake as she snuggled in her sleep out of habit. I held her because we had had a good run, and kissed her hair while she slept.

So yeah, I cheated once

Well not technically, we had already made the seperation decision, but were still living together while we both looked for other places to stay.

I had to fly to Cape Town as we had a stand at a trade show. Girl and I travelled together. I was technically her boss, but we worked independantly of each other. She was pretty cool and had made some suggestive remarks in the past. This had made me a little nervous about spending alone time with her, especially at things like this, because there was bound to be a lot of alcohol involved. I was thankful the Bossman would be joining us the next day, so it would only be one evening of awkwardness.

We arrived early on the first day, and basically took most of the morning setting up all our stuff for the Press the following day. We had rented a car, so decided since we had finished a lot earlier than expected, we would go to Camps Bay for a drink and some late lunch.

I had been to Cape Town several times on business, but it always seemed to be an in and out thing, never having time to sample the night life, or do any sightseeing. We found an open table at one of the many street Cafe's/bars overlooking the beach. Buff boys and girls wearing small swimming gear were up and down. The Cafe's buzzed with conversation and good jokes. Because of the southern latitude, during summer the sun sets towards 9pm, so a late lunch easily extends into a snack for dinner too. Cape Town is well know for its wine farms, so finding an excellent white for the afternoon is pretty easy. We settled on a Backsberg Chardonnay which we continued ordering for hours. It was hot in the afternoon sun, so me being me, I removed my shirt (like 80% of the rest of the patrons along the street). It annoyed her that I did. But I already had four glasses of vino so I didn't give a fuck.

Well, after Oysters for starters and grilled line fish, her annoyance got the better of her and we left. On the way back to the hotel, she asked what I would be doing that night. So I said nothing, probably just find somewhere else to eat later and have a few drinks. So she tells me she was going to ask me to go with her to a friend who was throwing a dinner party, but that after my attitude that afternoon, she wasn't sure she wanted me with. I said fine.

So I napped for about an hour (the sun was still way too high for a night on the town). At ten, I woke angry that she was such a fucking ass. I got dressed, called home for a chat, and went out to the street to hail a taxi. They used to use old diesel Mercs back then, and most of the drivers were foreign.

"Take me to the nearest gay club" I demanded.

I had never been to a "gay club" before. I had never considered it. But in that moment, I was done with pretending to be straight for one minute more. I wanted to be free. To be the person that was hidden inside. To satisfy the need to be naked with another man again after so many years.

The driver just smiled. "No problem"

------

More tomorrow, I am about to go out and drink, and look at boys.

lol, I really wish Iain was gay and all twinky like.... I may even be attracted to him. Ah well, he's a good friend. He took my snoggin in the parking lot in his stride as if everyone he knows does it.

And he actually gets annoyed when he asks me if I would go for him if he was gay and I answer in the negative. I'm not a size queen, but omg he has a huge cock hahaha!

laterz

A trip to the big city and an impending one too

It's been a while since I had to actually drive close to the Johannesburg City Centre. It's become a scary place lol....

But off I went this morning in my little red compact. The road works are a nightmare at the moment as the govt spends like crazy to prepare for the 2010 Soccer Fifa World Cup. It's all good though. Gov capital spending is the best thing to keep an economy ticking in quiet times (see The Mulitplier Effect).

I was concerned about parking at the company I was visiting, but I needn't have. They have a huge secure parking area. The building had been renovated and when I walked in, it was a pleasant modern atmosphere. They do digital printing - they are the guys printing my albums. There is too much space for them, so on each floor, staff are spread out in a quiet spacious open planned area. Very pleasant indeed. The guy who helped me - Mike - was wonderful. He gave me a tour while they processed my order, giving away all their trade secrets lol...

I had some probems with their online payment system, hense my need to visit them. Luckily the guy who handles their website was quick to help me out. OMG HOTNESS lol. I tried batting my eyes and touching myself inappropriately, but to no avail. Lol, I didn't really, but you know what I mean.

And they do a host of stuff I didn't know about, and prices are reasonable, so I have a bunch of new ideas to work with too - Calenders; postcards; large format printing, that kind of thing. They also do web design, manage bulk email marketing programs and secure online payments so my brain is ticking.

It was just nice to get out in the car and drive somewhere with purpose. I was downish last night and it has at least helped me out of that.

Oh, and I will be away in Cape Town from Thursday till Monday evening (YAY!), so won't be posting. I should test post from my phone before I go, so that perhaps I could pop one or two in. P is being all secretive about it. "Please don't mention on FB or anywhere that you going to CT."

This means his wife doesn't know I am going with. Still a bit weird for me though. I mean I have no intention of 'stealing' her husband, he has no intention of leaving her for me. He's just a bi guy who needs someone to share his secret with. I doubt anything more than watching a bit of porn with some mutual wanking will happen - even if that happens at all - though he has asked me to trim *giggles*.

One thing is for sure though, there are some really decent gay clubs in CT, so I will at least be visiting The Bronx, whether P goes with or not. The coloured boys will be flaunting their stuff, and I love the attention. And I don't mean that in any racist kind of way lol.... It's just the way it is in CT. It's kinda our San Francisco of South Africa. And a great place to be gay and flaunt it a bit. I also have a couple of friends I MAY go visit, but I will only contact them if I am sure I will have the time.

I think the weather is a bit chilly for the nudist beaches, but who knows? Perhaps P will be in the mood.

Monday after the weekend

So my last post was amusing - even to me, but it really is how I felt. It's good to be a in a place like that every now and then.

So back to reality of course. My oldest brother called me this morning to thank me for paying him back so soon.

Some history:

I came THIS close to marrying his wife's brother. N is the same age as me, a brilliant architect, beautiful, funny, sexy.

He is also an abusive alcoholic, a coke addict, a liar and a leech. Pity I didn't know about all of these last things BEFORE I packed up and moved 1200km to live with him. That was eighteen months ago. Since then, he has basically lost is architectural practice, all his friends, and any support he had from his family.

So a couple of years ago, he bought his sister's BMW from her (well, basically from my brother I guess). My brother agreed he could pay him directly because (surprise surprise) he has a crap credit rating. After I moved down there, I found out that he hadn't been making the payments. My brother also paid the insurance, and N also owed my brother a bunch of money for speeding fines which brother had paid for him.

Just before I left him, he went off the road with the BMW in a drunken stupor. I was out with friends because when we were supposed to go out, he was too drunk to even pronounce his own name. He had come to look for me.

He still had the audacity the next day to blame me for 'framing' him regarding the car. he truely beleived I had trashed the car and blamed him because I knew he wouldn't remember. he clearly didn't remember. That night, he lost his wallet, phone and doesn't even know how he got back to the house from the accident scene. He didn't even know where the car was. I had seen it on the way home the next morning because he had locked me out of the house and I slept at friends.

So brother had the car fixed through the insurance, and took the car away from him. We used my car which was fine. After I left him, he begged brother to let him use the car again because without it, he couldn't carry on with his business. he relented, and gave the car back. Since losing his business, he hasn't made a single payment to the car. he now owes more money than the car is worth.

Last week, N trashed the car again. Not badly this time, but still a significant repair bill which he is expecting brother to pay and 'add it to his account'.

So brother NEVER discusses any of this with me because he is embarrassed about it. My mother often drops a tidbit or two even though she promises him not to say anyhting. So I was really surprised this morning when brother had a long conversation to me about it all. He told me he has instructed the repair shop not to let N take delivery of the car, and he is simply not going to give it back to him.

A little nasty of me, but I wish I could make the payments for the car, because I would love to go down and collect it from brother, and drive around the small town enough for N to see me with 'his' car. He needs a kick up the ass quite honestly.

I'm not one for revenge, but one incident I can never forget. I flew back from Johannesburg and called him before the flight departed to make sure he would be on his way to the airport to collect me. It's a two hour flight, and the aiport is far from the little town, so he had to leave at about the same time so we could meet there together. he was like "Of course, sweetheart, I was just about to leave"

When I landed, he hadn't arrived yet. It was winter and I was on the last flight in. As soon as all the passengers had left, they basically closed the airport. I stood outside in the cold for three hours, trying over and over to reach him on the phone. Eventually I had to call my brother to collect me, and also to tell them I was worried about N thinkig maybe he had an accident on the way to the airport. My brother came to get me (an hour and a half drive at midnight), while his sister and my nephew went to our place to see where N was. he had passed out in the lounge, was full of blood from breaking the bathroom mirror (wtf). They had to break in because they could see he was bleeding through the window.

And I still forgave him, and stayed for another two months before I just couldn't take it anymore.

PS.... Welcome to Doomed But Cheerful as a new follower. I would provide a link, but his blog is set to invitation only (drops hint)

A good life

That's what I have lived.

I have been in love more times than I can remember, and I know there have been those who have loved me, and those who love me now.

I have always seen the good in others, even when against good advice.

Every second, of every day, we create our own universes.

Oh god, I have made fuckups I know. I have had my heart broken, have broken some hearts. I have done things that some would say I should regret.

But there is only one way for all of us, and that's forward.

Reading some blogs tonight, I know that many of you are hurting in one way or the other. Some have made some huge progress - followed through on some big and amazing decisions.

Arghhhh... should I even post this? It sounds all soppy and evangelistic. But hey, I am in a loving mood, not for any other reason than I had a good day, with amazing family, a good friend or two. And I have to be thankful that after all the crap I have been through in my life, there are moments of such extreme happiness, that it seems impossible that there were ever bad times.

And my wish tonight is that every single one of you can occasionally experience the same thing, and keep those moments in your heart.

peace...

Welcome..... and other things

Welcome to Ande as my mewest follower...... Please invite me to view your BREATHE ME blog....

Did brother and niece joint birthday party. 47th and 7th :)

Brother's cake also had 7 candles, but they were the ind that kept relighting lol... guess we never really grow up.

Little brother was there too, but his partner is a party killer type.. ffs!

Ah well, home now BEFORE 11pm. That's disgusting actually... lol... It's SATURDAY!

Mother's day tomorrow, so I have to be up early anyway to go join the kids in wishing their mom and help them make breakfast. Then I am joining brothers to spoil our mother at fancy Portuguese style restuarant for early lunch.

Little brother and I had lots of chats tonight..... hopefully a restart to our closeness. I miss him a lot. He's like my twin, even though we nearly three yrs apart, and we don't do well when we go through periods of not talking. I was drinking Vodka tonight which is pretty unusual, but there was no brandy.

Goodnight people, and if it is Mother's day in your part of the world on Sunday, give them hugs and show them you love them, even if they piss you off sometimes. For some reason, I feel I need to tell Peter especially to tell his mom that he loves her, but I don't even think he follows my blog.

Esoteric Fayre

Got ten minutes.....

I went to an esoteric fayre hosted by our local Crystals And Other Esoteric Thingies Shop. They are launching in their new premises, and despite the really chilly drzzily weather this morning, a lot of people turned up. As part of the promotion, she had arranged about thirty or so clarevoyants, Tarot readers, card readers, aura readers etc... you get the picture.

I had two motivations to go. First of all, I needed to get a feel for whether my [secret product] still has a following. In other words, are people stil interested in alternative healing methods. Answer: Overwhelmingly so....

Secondly, I LOVE having my cards read. I read tarot myself, but more as a form of self meditation and relaxation, and to clear my mind while pondering a decision.

So a very kind lady read some Gypsy Cards for me. All good it seems. Money, strong possibility to move, new venture about to begin, success blah blah.... She did start off though by saying to me that she wonders why I even bother having someone else read my cards, because I was very obviously psychic. hehe... I do secretly think this myself, and am often told by readers they can detect it immediately.

Then I had a very beautiful (not in the conventional sense) woman of largish stature take a look at my aura. It was wonderful. She said such beautiful things about me. She said she seldom sees so much light coming from the heart etc etc. She picked up the new venture immediately too, and just warned me to research, and make a decision about a direction because I have many ideas down on paper (SO TRUE) and I need to focus now on the best one. The one I know will work....

Then she said to me that I have been around several times (several lives) primarily as a healer, and thats why I keep coming back. It also gives me wisdom - the fact that I have made this journey so many times... awwww. So I was all warm fuzzies when I left. Didn't win the giant LCD TV in the raffle though.

Then went to mom's place to pamper her a bit as she is not feeling well with the flu and all. We went shopping for a bit, then I took her to have her cards read too and we bought pancakes for lunch.

I came home, read my cards (confusing today), meditated a bit, napped for half an hour. Now I am going to shower and am off to a birthday party.

W texted me inviting me for coffee, but I said I couldn't make it as I was taking mother around. Take that, you, who has ignored me the whole week.

So tomorrow is mother's day, so I will be popping up with gifts from my kids to their mother, then spend some time with my own, and hopefully sex wth J later on in the afternoon :)

So many things seem to be coming together at once, it's rather frightening actually......

Breathe Sethy, Breathe....

Welcome..

Welcome to x! from Cali. A lot can be said about someone from their taste in music, movies and literature. An amazing number of common favourites we have.....

And I simply love the way he sets out his posts :) with all the little footnotes etc...

And W's female housemate mailed me back after I asked her what his problem was.

"Going to be honest now, I think he is not happy that he is not able to be in charge of all of our lives at the moment…if you know what I mean."

Ah well, we can forgive him for being young and idealistic (the doctor being the subject of his current affections).

Lolz, she wants me to go with her to Durban where she is crewing for a local Formula One boating team, but the proviso is that I must act straight and pretend to be her 'date' for the weekend. Durban? Beaches? Shirtless boys? And pretend to be straight?

She must be kidding!

Woot!

So my 'agent' just called. I always use inverted comments when referring to him because traditionally they are supposed to find clients work. He's not a traditionalist obviously.

So apparently the client has finally paid, and he will be doing a recon so that I can put in my final invoice - as soon as this afternoon.

So now what am I going to be able to bitch about?

I completed a new improved batch of [secret product] on Wednesday, so just researching packaging and chucking a few label designs around. Next step will be some pilot stores, so let's hope it takes off and makes me milllions lolz.....

Still can't figure W's issue. I mailed his housemate for some clues. Maybe he is just pissed off in general. I did get a Happy Gay day mail from him this morning, so I responded and got back a non-committal answer... ah well.

At least the wave is approaching with speed. The crest is actually in view now.

He called!

lolz....

The guy who I made out with in the parking lot last night just called me!

I was a little disappointed cos I texted him twice today with no response, but appears he left his phone at home. He manages a restuarant, so pretty much works till midnight (which is what it is now).

So, he called, and we chatted, and I asked if I could call him by his real name, not his nickname (I really don't like his nickname lolz, and his real name is kinda sexy too).

So he is working Fri night and Sat night, and wanted to come around Sunday afternoon, So I suggested he text me after work tomorrow or Sat to see if I am awake. Aww..... he sounds so.... nice. That will make a change.

Hehe, I feel like a teenager. It's silly. It's the wave I been watching I guess.

A Nasty Rash and what Confucious said...

My kids spend Thursday nights with me - a legacy from the ex's hockey match nights before she stopped playing. My youngest had been complaining about a mosquito bite that continued itching. There a lot of mozzies at the moment due to the high rainfall we have had this summer, and probably the rain we have had over the last week more than a month out of season.

When she went up to bed, she came down again in a panic. The 'mozzie bite' had turned into a swollen rash extending up her arm to her shoulder, and there were signs of a rash on her thigh as well.

Anyway, long story short, I had a discussion over the phone with the ex to find out if she had changed detergents or anyhting, and eventually she brought some anti-histamines down for her. By the time she got here, the rash had all but disappeared except where it was at its worse.

I make a stress release product, and had finished a new batch yesterday and I am using a new brand of Lavender essential oil. The reason I mostly stick with Lavender, is that it is the safest of the aroma therapeutic oils, and there are very very few people that present with allergies to it. So the house still has a lavender residual aroma, and I am wondering if she has suddenly developed an allergy to it.

Ah well, it seems to be better now, she has taken a pill and is sound asleep, so will look at it tomorrow morning again.

And W is still not talking to me (?). I have no idea what I have said or done, but it just seems to have stopped, and his FB updates are cryptic..... I think he is upset because in the face of financial crap, I actually went out a couple of times this week and enjoyed myself. No doubt he thinks I am being child like and squandering my money on wine, men and song rather than focussing on 'getting a job'.

Poor boy, I think he has failed spectacularly in his estimation of who I am, where I come from, and my capabilities and strength of character. Sadly, he is still young and naive. I have been through much worse times. It is just a hiccup, a time given to me to reflect. I guess there a lot of people who fail to understand what motivates me.

Yes, I get scared, anxious - even depressed from time to time. But the average human is more resilient than many give ourselves credit for.

Confucious said something along the lines of: Don't tire yourself trying to swim up the wave, it will come to you, and then you can ride the crest effortlessly.

I can already feel the wave rising. Soon I will be gaining ground without the frenetic panic and hopeless splashing around that some feel they have to do during a crisis. It's all about timing.

Thanks for popping in, you're welcome to stay for another cup of tea, and perhaps a whiff of Lavender. It's very relaxing.

Actually...

Actually, the making out in the parking lot last night was a pretty significant turning point in the current events of this little life I call my own.

Since stalker girl, I have pretty much put up the defense walls all around me again. Being hurt really hurts. And sometimes we forget to deal with it, imagining it will just spirit away. But being hurt puts cracks into all the good things you believe about yourself sometimes. Sometimes they are just tiny little hairline ones, and sometimes not even a fresh coat of paint and filler will hide them.

So there we were, Iain and I, minding our own business. There was a cute guy sitting close by, so I was just happy being with a friend, and the fantasy part of my mind had something to prod around.

Willem arrived with gf in tow, and J. J and Willem shared an apartment at some time a few years ago. They worked together and slept together. It wasn't a relationship for Willem, but I think J thought it was. Neeedless to say, things happened and Willem moved out. I don't ask.

Now, I had never actually met J before, so here i am wondering about him. The gaydar is kinda sniffing, but not finding too many clues. He quietly sips on his drink, and I think I catch him looking at me, but pass it off as wishful thinking. He leaves us for a bit to go to the bathroom, and Willem pulls me aside and asks me to at least chat to the guy because he really thinks I am hot (hehe). Then he tells me his name and I put two and two together. So we chat, dance a bit, I touch his neck, he puts his hand down the back of my jeans. But he is shy in front of the crowd, so I get him to follow me outside. We go to a dark spot, and I pull him close and we kiss. It was so intense for both of us, we have to seperate for a bit to breathe, just to take in the moment. We kiss again, this time slower, deeper. I love his stubble against my neck as he breathes in my ear.

So we return to the crowd. He asks me if we can see each other after he drops the other guys off. He is the designated driver, but Willem and gf don't look like they are ready to leave. We swop numbers. I need to leave, the alcohol is catching me and I hadn't eaten enough. I tell him I will be up, so if he wants come over later, to call me for directions.

He doesn't call, but its okay. The point here is that I really felt good about myself again last night. I may see him again, I may not. I will text him later to see if he is okay.

Lightning Quick Post

A Welcome to Steevo in cali. Steevo is one of those special people we can only hope our kids come into contact with while they go through the school system. I love the 'activism' in his posts. Steevo is a high schoool teacher, and a no nonsense all round good guy.

We having freaky weather here... A typical summer afternoon thunderstorm at 6am on an early winters morning? With hail? wtf is that about? Nearly crapped myself when lightning hit a tree or something in the park over the road while I was still dreaming about making out in parking lots....

Had to rush downstairs to unplug the PC. I have lost 3 power supplies, a mother board and graphics card in the last two years due to the phenomenal lightning we get here.

I took these a couple of summers ago....

So what's my age again?

Ok, first off, welcome to A Poor Student, whoI have been following for some time, and finally he is following back.... Welcome!

I have just returned from yet another spontaneous night out. I felt really crap this morning, but got my ass off to do some important stuff which needed to be done.

Iain called me to join him at kareoke. Oh dear, I sang too many songs. But while the crowds cheer, who am I to deny them?

And ended up kissing in the parking lot. He is different, shy,.... and he is designated driver of some friends of mine. So we swopped numbers, and perhaps, if I am lucky, he will call later.

Will let you know lol....

OMG, there was a thunderstorm from hell here tonight. Hail, wind, lightning. Unseasonal.....

A Message from the Universe

Todays message said:


You know what makes the darkest of times bearable?

Remembering that it's all illusions, in a dreamed-up world, where angels earn their wings, thoughts dress up as things, and that "somewhere back home," you lie safely in bed, in the palm of my hand, snuggled up tight with some big, fluffy stuffed animal.

Nice wings,
The Universe

Join this site and get daily messages of encouragement from the universe. On days like today, when I feel terribly down, trapped, and frozen with fear of the future, it's nice to get a word of truth delivered to your inbox.

Sethy

Toosday night suggestive texting

Hmm... another night of insomnia approaching. Had a cool chat to Goleftatthefork (Thanks mate), and am in bed on the laptop now.

P texted to ask if he can go ahead and book Cape Town for the 15th... Duh! Of course he can haha... And its just going to be the two of us, so thats cool. I am a little apprehensive though. He is one of my oldest friends, and is married with two kids. I know his wife doesn't know I will be with him. We had a fallout a few years ago. (Another Post). And I know we are going to paint the town red, and I know we are going to get naked, and I know all he wants to do is a bit of mutual masturbation, and I know I will. So do I feel guilty? I think the problem is that I won't feel guilty. I love being with him though, not sexually, or relationship stuff, just love being with him. In high school, we fucked around a lot, spoke about our sexuality issues. Perhaps that's what binds us together. He calls me a survivor, I call him a success story.

But I think he is lonely, and just needs a change. He has everything; a thriving business, wife, kids, boat, quadbikes, apartment in Cape Town, big house in Durban close to the beach. But I get the feeling when I am with him that he is insecure in so many other ways. I used to go to his house (when his wife was still talking to me lol) and while we were sitting around the table with friends, he would send me all these suggestive texts lol....

It's a quagmire filled with moral issues. But I will go, and be his friend, thats the least I can do. I have a feeling he might want to ask me to join him in his business. It's right up my alley and it would be good right now for me, but perhaps I am reading it wrong. I know one thing though, I won't move away from my kids. I did that once for four months and still regret it.

At the very least it will be an adventure, and selfishly I need one right now.

No rewind button Sethy, no rewind button.

Some of my fav South African TV Ads at the moment

Enjoy. The first is my fav ad currently running. It reminds me of my late gran who finally recognised she was an overage driver at 82 and gave her car away.

The second is a Nando's Ad. I know there are a few nando's infiltrating Oz, some Eauropean countries, the UK and even in the States recently (I think their first is in DC) Their ad campaigns are always cheeky and often political satires. I would have put the one they were running during our elections, but it just wouldn't make sense.

The following two are for a low cost Airline - Kulula.com - Kinda Virgin Bluish. Their ads are hilarious, but even if you call their toll-free, you are left giggling long before the operator answers. The onflight safety demo's are gut wrenchingly funny as the scripts are written by comedians and changed regularly.

The last is also for Kulula.com, but for their credit card. Watch out for the very last old guy in this sketch. He is my mom's mad cousin. He is 76 now. He recently did an ad for our local Satelite TV thingy where he ran naked across a bowling green hehe.

Enjoy

Oh Dear: Tuesday

Hmmm. was just thinking about last night. It's been a while since I let down the proverbial hair like that. I really didn't feel like going out when Iain called. Thought: Okay, a couple of beers, then I will head home. But its funny how these things work out. Seeing Willem again was amazing. Haven't seen him in AGES. He is well over six foot, and when he laughs or even smiles, he can just light up the room. So he was with his gf (blah). I met him when he was a waiter and I was going through a bad drinking phase. Him, Iain and I have been friends for a while now.

For my 37th, I invited friends and family to join me at a pub/restuarant we frequented at the time to celebrate. About thirty people arrived, so we took over the bar area. I had asked Willem to be my 'date' for the evening. I was still going through the coming out process, and thought it would be a good way to get people used to me being with a guy. I couldn't have hoped for a better evening. Willem was affectionate enough not to make anyone uncomfortable. We never kissed, but he had his arm around me for most of the evening, and kept whispering cute things in my ear. My mother was clearly glowing with happiness over my new found 'bf'. She even called me after we had all gone home, to make sure that I had called Willem to make sure he got home okay. Sweet :)

If any of you are cricket fans, the greatest one day game ever played out at Wanderers in Johannesburg a few years ago. Little brother and I had block booked some VIP tickets for our clients. Drinks, food, good seats etc. South Africa was playing Australia. It already had the ingredients of an excellent day. We had some spare tickets, so I invited Willem to come as my partner. We were chatting about it last night. It's one of those days that will be remembered and talked about even when we are old and gray...

Anyway, our short 'relationship' just kinda faded away. He is more on the str8 side of bi, and it looks like he is going to marry this girl he was with last night.

And C, who arrived just before we were going to leave. He was the first guy after my ex and I seperated. It was just fun. We did a few threeways with a mutual friend of ours. Usually after a night of drinking. I have a clear memory of C trying to get both our cocks in his mouth in the shower while there were two str8 couples downstairs still partying.... We were giggling like girls lol...

But everytime I see him now, I wish I had let myself connect with him on a different level. About two months ago, W and I went to his restuarant for lunch. I suggested the place specifically so I could see C. I really wanted to ask him out. I was surprised how happy he was to see me, so we swopped numbers. A week later, we met for drinks and he told me he is seeing someone else.... ugh!

So last night, in the absence of the bf, I was taking advantage lol.... All in good fun mind you. Ah well... perhaps another time. The bf lives on the other side of the city, and he was saying last night he may sell his share in the restuarant and move that side of town. I really hope he doesn't though.....