Of 2016

Bismillah.

As I took a moment to pause and reflect on the past year, subhanallah.. I can never thank Allah enough. Without me realizing, it's Him. It's Him, who has carved the path and secured it for me. Even I couldn't tell what lies ahead of me. Talking about family, career, studies (Well those were the worries back then). I could never tell when things should happen.

But, alhamdulillah, Allah made 2016 the year, where I graduated, got married, and embarked on my career journey. All happened in less than three months. All praises to You, Rabb. I can never do this without You.



#Marriage

Back then I was so skeptic to talk about marriage. I'm so not into 'jiwang' things, blergh. Haha. Until Allah taught me through a marriage seminar that I attended (well, dragged by a friend haha). From seeing marriage just as jiwang-thingy, into a noble job of building this ummah, of putting a quality block into places. From that moment onwards, I can't help, but to take it a bit more seriously.

Bit by bit, Allah made me include marriage into my daily prayers. I can never ask Allah for a specific someone. But I always ask Allah to grant me the best person, at the best time, at the best place and in the best way in accordance to His sight. Too afraid to ask for a specific criteria, I left the rest to Him.

Long story short, on 12th of August 2016, Allah revealed His divine plan to me - of who, how, where and when I shall meet my spouse. Things happened just too fast. I got an email, we met up, we both agreed, he came home to meet abi & ummi, got enganged for a year, and there he came again to utter the sacred oath.

If people usually said your nerve will disappear as soon as the solemnization was over, that formula did not work for me. I just got more and more adrenaline rush after the knot was tied. To meet a stranger, Allahu... Allah helped me through and alhamdulillah, now he is my best buddy, my Imaam, my financial consultant, my fashion advisor, my proof-reader, my daily reminder, my comedian, my soulmate till Jannah insyaAllah.

By this marriage, may Allah make me someone who manages time better, who prioritize others more than myself, who guards her gaze and her modesty, who witness Allah's love, more and more. Ameen.




#Career

Alhamdulillah I got a conditional offer a few months before I finished my study, and here I am crawling to discover a lot of thing in this totally new world. Being a kinaesthetic person, I can appreciate a lesson most when I experience it myself - compared to listening, or just watching. So I really look forward to understand more of what I've learned in school and university years from this new phase.

I always consider my working days, as another day to learn, and to better myself. Of dealing with new people, being humble, doing things that you love passionately and doing things that you find boring faithfully. I also realize myself as someone who needs schedule and time slots, so working hour gets me going. I really hope that by working, I'll be someone more disciplined, more organized, more productive and more punctual. May Allah guide me in exploring this field, gain expertise and contribute to this ummah from it.

Knowing career is what consumes more than a third of your life, we shall not take this as just another day so you get you pay at the end of the month. I myself am ashamed, of days when I was less productive. Astaghfirullah.



Astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah.

A visit to my future home.

Dua minggu setelah pulang,
Baru Allah izinkan menziarahi pusaka Wan.
I knew I should have done it earlier.


As soon as I sat next to her grave, as soon as I recite al-Fatihah and prayers.
Tears. Burst.

Di tengah gumpalan perasaan, ada sekelumit sesal tak sempat jumpa Wan buat kali terakhir. Kuusir jauh-jauh, dengan iman dan syukur pada aturan Allah.




Rindu yang amat.



Apa khabar Wan?

Entah-entah Wan sedang berbahagia di rumah yang baru, 

Bilik wan yang dulu, umi dan Melly dah kemas. Sekarang jadi bilik tidur Arif. Dia kata tidur situ best, sejuk.

I bet you must have finally found what Allah has promised You. All those rewards that made you do all those deeds during your lifetime.

Masa Wan sakit dulu, kadang-kadang masa tengah makan, atau borak, Wan tiba-tiba cakap, "cantiknya kain ni, warna-warni" sambil tangan Wan bergerak di udara. 

"Kain apa, Wan?"

"Ekau tak nampak ke?"

"Tak"

"Tu, tu.."

Seolah nak suruh jugak kitorang nampak. Dan Wan terus lagi meraba di udara sambil wajah berseri, tersenyum.

Perhaps, that's a glimpse of paradise Allah sent forth to you to cheer you up. Perhaps, you have finally found the rest of happiness He wants to give to you.

Entah-entah, Wan sekarang tengah berbahagia dengan Atuk ye. Atuk yang saya tak sempat jumpa. Tapi Umi cerita, setianya Wan pada Atuk. Lepas Atuk pergi, ada orang berkenan kat Wan pun, Wan tak nak. Mungkin sekarang, dapatlah Wan melepaskan dendam rindu yang ditahan berpuluh tahun tu.

Rindunya waktu-waktu Wan bercerita, waktu suap Wan makan, tilawah tepi Wan, urut sampai Wan tertidur,... Entah-entah, Wan pun rindu saya ya.

You feel so close, Wan, yet so far.





Al-Fatihah, salawat, doa... Umi dan Melly mula bangun dari tepi kubur, tapi air mata tak nak berhenti. I finally met You Wan. Walau sangat dekat, cuma terpisah beberapa meter. Tapi kita di dua dimensi berbeza. Yang akan cuma terhubung dengan kematian, and perhaps, prayers.

Aku buka mushaf, untuk sambung tilawah di kuburan Wan. Dan ayat pertama yang disambung,

"Dan apakah mereka tidak memperhatikan bahawa Allah yang menciptakan langit dan bumi, berkuasa (pula) menciptakan yang serupa dengan mereka, dan Dia telah menetapkan ajal yang tiada keraguan padanya? Maka orang zalim itu tidak menolaknya kecuali dengan kekafiran"

{17:99}

Kulit yang gementar.

Tilawah selalu ter-pause bila tiba pada beberapa jenis ayat, antaranya yang kosa katanya tidak familiar. Dan semalam tilawahku terjeda di muka terakhir juzuk itu.

"Allah telah menurunkan perkataan yang paling baik (iaitu) Al-Qur'an yang serupa ayat-ayatnya lagi berulang-ulang, gementar kerananya kulit orang-orang yang takut kepada Tuhannya, kemudian menjadi tenang dan hati mereka ketika mengingati Allah.. Itulah petunjuk Allah, dengan kitab itu Dia memberi petunjuk kepada sesiapa yang Dia kehendaki dan barangsiapa yang dibiarkan sesat oleh Allah, maka tidak seorang pun yang dapat memberinya petunjuk"
{39:23}

Sebenarnya aku terhenti sebab curious dengan ayat "taqsya'irru" - apa tu?
vocab arab masih kelabu huhu


And as I go through its translation, Allah, I fell in love.




#1
Perkataan paling baik (Al-Qur'an) - Allah explains it using two words;
mutasyabihan - serupa/sama/similar/sinonim
mathani - berulang-ulang

As I read through this juz and the chapters before, sangat banyak cerita yang sama, wording yang sama, mesej yang sama.

Hingga tak kurang 3 kali aku cek semula betul ke juzu' yang aku tengah baca ni, takut terulang juzu' semalam.

And subhanallah, Allah answers it right away!

1- Al-Qur'an bukan sekadar bagi info/maklumat/fakta. If we just need facts, there is no need for repetitions.
2- But indeed, Al-Qur'an is for the hearts, for the believers, for those who submit. To have impact on the hearts, it needs frequency.
3- Perubahan yang Allah ajar melalui Al-Qur'an - sungguh, happens from the inside. Inilah perubahan yang paling powerful.
4- Seharusnya, hingga, berbuah amal. Guide us ya Allah.




#2
So I discovered that the word "taqsya'irru" means gementar (from my mushaf), or meremang (from my dictionary). What grabs my attention is how Allah describes two different emotions in this ayah.
They are; gementar, dan tenang.

Bila Allah cakap pasal takut - Allah sebut kulit yang gementar.
Bila Allah sebut pasal tenang - Allah sebut 'menjadi tenang kulit dan hati mereka ketika mengingati Allah'

In half amusement and half excitement, I told myself; "Oh, kulit ni penuh emosi ya??" haha

At that time, the only thing I can relate to is the malay phrase 'meremang bulu roma'.

Today a video appeared on my fb timeline, describing emotion;
https://www.facebook.com/brightside/videos/290343474646870/

And at the instant I saw this, Allah, I remembered Your words. Fell in love again and again!

Video tu describe effect emosi pada tubuh, contoh bila happy, area tubuh with very high emotion ialah seluruh tubuh (kulit). Banyak lagi, bila depressed, hati dia emotionless tapi area tubuh yang lain very low. The emotion has most impact on the skin, way more than on the heart!

Allah, how precise is you verse!





#3
And the rest of the ayah, when He says,
"Dia memberi petunjuk kepada sesiapa yang Dia kehendaki.."

I immediately know, yang menggerakkan aku jumpa video ini, adalah Engkau. Yang mengizinkan aku relate dengan firmanNya, juga Engkau. Yang mengizinkan keyakinan builds up, sungguh, kerana kehendakMu.


AyatNya memberi harapan,
Walau dosa kita setinggi gunung, kita tetap boleh mendapat petunjuk,
Kalaulah hidayah ini berdasarkan kelayakan, mungkin kita di rank paling bawah.

AyatNya menggesa pergantungan,
KepadaMulah kami berserah.
KepadaMulah kami benar-benar memohon.

Allahumma Inna nas'alukal huda
O Allah, we beg to You, Your guidance.



I don't mind falling in love with You again and again. 
Guide us ya Allah.

Result vs Education

"Ummi, saya ada satu soalan cepu emas"

"Saya tengok orang lain, bila nak exam, parents mesti suruh study sungguh-sungguh. Ada kawan saya, tiap kali dia turun bawah je, ayah dia kata buat apa tu pergi study. Tapi abi, bila saya kata takut nak exam, abi kata buat apa nak study lagi, pergi tido je"

Ummi gelak gelak.

"Pastu kalau result tak okay. Umi abi biasa je. Tak marah pun. Paling dahsyat saya rasa pernah result add maths C pastu abi cuma cakap 'kenapa markah macam tu'. Tu je. Tak lebih"

Gelak bersisa.

"Kiranya nak suruh umi marah la ni?"

Sengih kerang busuk. Teehee.

"Ok lah. Tukar soalan. Kenapa bila markah rendah umi buat biasa je. Kalau markah gempak pun umi abi buat dekk je?"

Soalan. Persis kanak-kanak yang mendahagakan perhatian dan penghargaan.

Kali ni umi pecah gelak lagi besar.

"Tu la sebenarnya. Markah rendah ke tinggi ke umi abi buat dek je ye" 

Tersangat benar. Masih segar di ingatan seorang sahabat rapat yang berjaya beat aku no 1 dalam kelas buat pertama kali. Parents nya belanja makan special. Tak ada apa yang salah pun dengan belanja makan itu - cuma aku hairan, selama aku tidak di-beat itu, umi abi watlek watpis je.

Few moment pause.

"Ada orang result excellent, tapi akhlak ke mana.. Cakap kasar dengan parents.. From experience, as we see in life, ada orang yang kecik-kecik dia yang kita anggap hopeless la, tak guna la, belajar tak tinggi mana.. Tapi dia yang nak jaga mak ayah. Yang spend time, yang hormat. Akhlak tu sebenarnya yang mak ayah nak."

Satu persatu ummi tutur. Lembut.

"Result tu part of system je. Kapitalis yang British cipta tu. Belajar tinggi-tinggi, tapi kenapa akhlak rosak? Ada orang, result hebat, tapi akhlak tak elok, kerja rumah tak reti, urus diri tak reti"

I distanced myself from the screen a bit. Wiped the tears rolling down the cheek.

"Orang bangga-banggakan title, hebatnya result anak dia, tinggi jawatan dia. Tapi mak ayah ni, kadang-kadang, memandang dari jauh je. Takde berbagi pun dengan mak ayah. At the end, siapa yang selalu ziarah"

"Study tu bekal je. Yang penting, lepas dapat bekal tu, apa kita buat? Kalau kita tengok dunia je, memang la kita nak marah-marah. Tapi ada something more lagi daripada result tu"

One simple question, but a golden answer in return.

Rabbanaghfirlana dzunubana, wa liwalidaina warhamhuma, kama rabbayana sighara.

"Do you wanna pray together?"

Saat matahari berada di sepenggalah (menurut kiraan apps), I walked myself downstairs to where the musolla is. Alhamdulillah, how blessful we are to have own spacious prayer room, one for brothers and another one for the sisters.

As I was unfolding the prayer mat, a sister entered. I immediately changed the mat orientation from portrait to landscape and then turned,

"Do you wanna pray together?"

"Yes"

"Can you be the imam?"

In half hesitation and half excitement... She nodded.



As I turned my head around to finish the zuhr prayers, she immediately turned her head towards me, wrapped her hand around my shoulder, and kissed me on my forehead.

*arabic* "where are you from?"
"ana min malizi"
"what do you study?"
"chemical engineering"

"what about you? where are you from?"
"Libya"

Then her eyes watered.

"Sorry, I get very emotional. It's hard to see non-arabic to pray, to practise. God bless you. God bless you."

She hugged and kissed my head again.

"In Libya, we used to pray together with my friends. But here no. This is the first time I be the imam over here"

Hugs and kisses again.

"Then I get to be your first ma'mum" :)



Not much of conversation as musolla isn't really the place, so we then dismissed. Not more than 15 minutes, but has left its own mark deep in my heart.

How beautiful this connection is: A complete stranger turned a family - simply because of where we prostrate ourselves to.

Besarnya sebab untuk bersyukur.



Satu daripada beribu cerita yang pastu aku rindu, di bumi ratu ini.

Famili.

#tb last summer.

Ipad umi di tangan hariz.

"Kak diyana nak tengok ni?"

*hariz buka facetime dan tunjuk call history*

dari atas sampai bawah id aku semuanya. scroll2 sampai habis pun nama aku seorang ja

>.<

overly-attached daughter,

I hope not any bigger than my attachment towards Allah.

* * *

terjumpa ig hariz.

immediately buka, follow dan like sume gambar >.< :D

hee.

i found myself soo excited to scroll through my younger brothers' pics.

They're all grown ups now.

I guess, i miss them. a lot.

overly attached sister,

I hope not any stronger than my attachment towards Allah.

* * *

facetime. 

"ummi, mana yah?"

"pusingla ipad ke sana"

tak cakap apa, tengok si budak comot makan dengan gelojoh je pun.

cukup dah hilang rindu.

merekalah sebabnya aku tak mampu menahan diri dari mencubit kanak2 kecil di daurah2 dan usrah zzz.

* * *

Kinah yang spesis diam-diam ubi berisi.
Kaklah who is always comfortable to be with (my happy pill harharhar).
Balong terlampau kelelakian bab cakap direct, gila motor, mengopi je keje tapi xkalah legend when giving advices.

Ummi & Abi whom i'll never have enough words to describe them with.

* * *

Alangkan tak cukup sebab untuk bersyukur, dengan sebuah hadiah bernama: keluarga?

Ada orang keluarga tidak menjadi nikmat untuknya.

Bahakan sebaliknya, ujian.

Kalau sang ayah kaki pukul.

Mak lari dari rumah.

Adik beradik ada masalah tersendiri yang berat.

Rumah bukan tempat berteduh,

Cuma sarang yang menunggu mangsa.

Allah, I can never imagine myself being in their shoes.

Astaghfirullahaladzim.



O Allah, make our family, coolness to our eyes and hearts.

Orang lama #tb

[1-2 April 2016]

Alhamdulillah, Allah bagi peluang yang tak calang-calang.

Our house was assigned to host two beloved asatizah: Dr Hafidzah and Ustazah Sallawahiyu. We call them Ummi/Makcik Pid and Ustzh Ayu.

I love observing, and absorbing hikmah. I remember back then. Ummi used to nurture us by dragging us to many classes in the surau since we were small. We do our homework, drawing, playing and many more next to Ummi during those classes. When the classes ended, we have to salam each makcik. We grew up socialising with makciks.

Subhanallah that made me enjoy being company to these asatizah.

They are personnels of hikmah, yet very down to earth.

As they arrived, we immediately discussed what to deliver, objective and flow of forum that will take place that night. I volunteered to become the moderator, because I am tired of pointing mas'uliyat to people uhuh - Little did I know there will also be male audience zzz. And alhamdulillah Makcik & ustazah were very helpful and encouraging.

After the forum we had an internal session with 'muayyid' from Sheffield. Light sharing, but impactful one.

"Kenapa kamu mahu menaiki kapal ini?"

"Kalau kamu tak bersetuju dengan destinasi kapal ini, kamu dipersilakan turun"

It gives an insight; to what the meaning of DnT is to this life. We chose this path, we want it, we need it.

The next morning, I accompanied them to have a brief walk. We went to the Moor Market, buy some fruits, eat in the middle of the street, went to charity shop, and walked back home. I regret walking too fast with these old ladies, I just realised that on the way back home :'(((((((((((



Their presence, gives assurance that Allah will save this dakwah. That this path is so long. That there is so much that is yet to discover.