contentedness

illusive treasure – shimmering
pearls in sand shifting the end
of a rainbow or a goal

fresh life is here and in ancient history and
memory’s deceptive simplicity
looking at portraits of the past
through dirty sunglasses double
doubly dire

lemon juice in an eye – ocean water
in a parched throat – technology
flan or melon? berry or cheesecake? ticket
to nowhere anywhere everywhere
disappearing lacking memory connection
to souls to tangible to time

out
side barred
by broken glass trains
to the fabulous alone
beauty in graveyards and ugly dresses
at weddings with candles at three in sunshine

quiet crowds screaming silence desperation
in peace? peace in
desperation? naked complexity
striving perfection of humanity

hawaii in december can’t last



.

Weekend partying

So after I finished my half marathon in June, I decided I wanted another race-goal to work toward... but since I was kind of tired of running, I opted for a triathlon. I couldn't convince anyone to do it with me, but that was actually OK, because sometimes I like to do things just to prove to myself that I can...

Come yesterday morning, I was off to a little, tiny, itsy-bitsy town called Elma to participate in my first tri. May I comment at this point in the story that getting my friend Chris's bike into the back of Poppy has been a CHALLENGE of this whole training thing?! You should have seen me the day I was up at Chris and Melanie's to get the bike... It involved climbing on top of a bucket on top of a stepstool on top of a staircase to get on top of a freezer in order to reach the bikes that were hanging upside down in the garage... Did I mention I was in a skirt and flip-flops and it was about 47 million degrees?! Anyhow... I get to this little town in the middle of nowhere, and I get lost. How? I have no idea. Stupid mapquest directions. It took me 47 minutes to get UNlost, at which point I'd almost given up going to the race, because I only had 10 minutes to get set up before the starting gun.

The race itself wasn't too bad - the swim was fast, other than not having my goggles so I had to constantly keeping my head out of the water and choked from the waves, and the bike ride was boring without having my (illegal) iPod in use, and the run was flat and boring... But I did it, and finished it, and felt like I'd worked hard in the process, and was only slightly lonely at the finish line when I realized nobody that knew me was there to greet me.



This weekend I also did a WHOLE bunch of socializing. Two weddings on Saturday (BriZ was my date to one of them), with three different social calls between them, and then Sunday afternoon I hung with one of my oldest friends before having dinner with my friend Anthony's sister, Angela (who will from here on out be referred to as MY friend, because I don't think we have to have the qualifier of Anthony in there). Whew. All in all, it was fantastic!

Crystal

Do you ever just have those moments of absolute clarity (or, at least 50% clearer than normal) where you realize, "I am seriously f-ed up!"? I'm not just talking a little bit, it's massive.

And I realize, it's no WONDER our world is one of confusion, hurt, pain, chaos, frustration, lonliness, and (in essence) sin. I CAUSE IT!

I think this is what Paul meant when he said, "We hope in something unseen..." I believe God hasn't given up work on me yet. So I'm asking Him to double the efforts, because I need it!

Embrace

I know I keep blogging about music, but I've got another great song... It's by Brandon Heath, called "Listen Up." I really appreciated it when I heard it last week, and it's already up to about 47 million plays on my itunes...

Lyrics are:
"Why are you crying?
Did I say something wrong?
Weren't we just talking?
Tell me what's going on.
Cuz I'm pretty sure
That my intentions
Were nothing more
Than conversation.
Maybe you just needed someone
To listen to your heart

Maybe I spoke too soon,
Maybe I said too much,
Now that my face is blue,
I think it's time listen up
I've already said enough.

Sometimes I do this
Things is, I'm so afraid
When it gets quiet
Of what you might have to say
Cuz I'm guilty of overcompensation
Lost in my own translation
I apologize, how could I
Listen to your heart?

Maybe I spoke too soon,
Maybe I said too much,
Now that my face is blue
I think it's time I listen up.

There isn't anything that I could say,
Not a word to get in the way
Of you, of you, I'm listening.

Maybe I spoke too soon,
Maybe I said too much,
Now that my face is blue,
I think it's time I listen up..."

This has been such a good reminder of my weaknesses (talking!) and how I need to improve by becoming a better listener. Just as an example, I think of all the times I don't truly listen to my students - Josh, the socially awkward guy in my morning class, Jennifer, the girl who gets so easily frustrated with math, Julie, the gal who is trying to rebuild her life after leaving her abusive husband, etc... Why on earth do I think that what I have to say is more important than what they have to say?!

In other news, today I visited my friend who had a child last week. Miss Taylor Renee is SUCH a beautiful armful of baby! No matter the level of my stress when I see a baby, I can ALWAYS lower those stress levels by holding and rocking an infant. It's almost a divine analogy in the sense that babies are so helpless, but in reality, are we not all? And watching Taylor's daddy hold her and cuddle her reminds me in an oh-so-poignant way of God's INCREDIBLE love and care and attention toward me. I was just talking to my cousin Charlie this evening and he told me that God prompted him to pray for me ALL day today - I mean, seriously?! I cannot describe how loved and cherished I feel, regardless of the way life jumps in and seems to try to steal joy.

Charlie also reminded me of the importance of embracing our lives - the full spectrum of emotions and events and conversations and people were made to be experienced, no? For me today, that was the joy of meeting and holding Taylor, my friendships with various people, the phone conversations with people who love me, the hugs from people who know me and can read me like a book, the interaction with students, even the struggle of trying to get my friend Chris's bike into the back of my little-tiny Geo... I truly believe my life is richer as a result!

Sometimes I want to just run and hide from them, but first and foremost, I desire to be authentic in who I am, who God is transforming me to be, and who I was and hope to become. And occassionally that means embracing tough things - conversation, watching people die, the end of a school quarter, the reshaping of goals, even the change of seasons from the delight of summer to the slipping-away autumn to the dark, cold, grey days of winter. The cool thing about life is that NOTHING seems to really be stagnant... Not when God's got His hands involved, at least!

I'll close with my thought for today: Holiness will never be achieved by pursuing happiness, but happiness just might be a by product of holiness; for me, I'll take the equation with a variable. Variables provide hope, adventure, risk, imagination, challenge, unknown, unexpected, delightful, scary, hurtful, confusing aspects to life, but that's better than the alternative...

10th Avenue North

If there's a playlist that is speaking to my heart these days, it's my compilation of 10th Avenue North's songs from their debute CD. At first I was crazy about "By Your Side," then "Hold My Heart," then "Beloved," then "Satisfy," and now "Lift Us Up to Fall" just percolates through my soul. The lyrics of these songs are soothing, encouraging, challenging, reminding, refreshing, and honest.

"Lift Us Up to Fall" states:
Waiting here,
Waiting for you God
With our hopes and fears
We come
Empty hands held out
Draw us near
Heal these broken hearts
And lift us up to fall
Before everything you are.

The realization of how desperately I need God to give meaning and purpose to my life seems to just resonate from these words. Sometimes I'm too forward focused and it feels like I'm just WAITING for whatever is going to happen next, expecting that it will provide satisfaction and contentment. Yet this song reminds me that the only thing I'm really waiting for is God - expectantly knowing that He will be found by those that earnestly search for Him. So it's this weird conundrum of waiting and pursuing at the same time.

I especially like the part about coming with hopes and fears, but holding out open hands. In a word: surrender. The past, oh, nine months or so seem to have been working that concept through me... Absolute, complete, total surrender to God. Hopes, dreams, aspirations, fears, doubts, failures, accomplishments, gifts, weaknesses - all of it was ordained by God for His glory. If I am to live in purpose and satisfaction, I absolutely believe it will only be in humble acceptance and delight in that reality...

Fear. Freezing. Failure.

I had a new student in class today. He's bright, with-it, seems responsible, capable of communicating his understandings or confusion (read: teacher's dream! Rather than getting blank stares when I say, "does that make sense?" he gives some sign of 'yay' or 'nay'). Today we worked on percents. He said, "I want to get my GED finished as soon as possible, so I'm going to be here everyday, because I want to learn this stuff so I can go take the test."

I almost froze. The doubtful voice in my head practically screamed at me, "Dani, you're an idiot! You don't have the first clue how to teach him the math he needs to know to pass the GED test!! You should just tell him, so he can find someone else to help!" Fear? definitely. Fear of being "found out" as an impostor, fear of wasting his time, fear of mis-explaining something; essentially, fear of failing.

Does anyone NOT suffer from this fear?

It doesn't matter what decision I make, sometimes I still wonder if it was the best one... But, my life philosophy over the past couple years has become something along the lines of, "You can't move a parked car, but you can one in drive" so I tend to just figure I'll proceed ahead until a barrier appears or God re-directs me in another way.

Because essentially, I think that's what this comes down to: Trusting that God directs. I love God, and I know He loves me. I think God gives us a considerable amount of freedom in life, perhaps specifically for the purpose of learning how to make our own choices, but honor God through them. I trust that God helps me make the "right" choices when I'm listening and desiring to please Him. If I somehow still manage to make the "wrong" choice, I believe He'll let me know, and He'll help me figure out how to correct it and/or give me the chance to continue honoring and pleasing Him, regardless of my situation.

I think God's a lot more concerned with my relationship to Him and my heart stance than He is with my accomplishments...

So back to the conversation in the classroom today; as I walked out of the building to come home, I was trying to convince myself to not freak out over the responsibility I was feeling, and then I remembered: I'm not alone. There are other teachers, tutors, curriculum, and information that can help me teach and can help this guy learn. It really is quite preposterous to think one teacher is going to teach everything in one subject a student needs to know for the GED - or any other - test. That's why our education system is set up with variety - so each teacher can hit on the basics and help fill in gaps. My job is to do the best I CAN do, and rest in that.

Perhaps the only real failure is actually allowing fear to freeze, because that means NOTHING can be accomplished, good or bad. All other failures are simply success in masquerade.

Wonderings...

I wonder if you can go to the port in Alexandria and hop on a freight to Greece? I wouldn't mind seeing Greece while I'm over on the Mediterranean.

I wonder if three months is enough to train for a full marathon? I think I'll give it a try.

I wonder if there are any simple to follow, "Here are the basics" about how to operate excel on the internet... especially in using it as a record keeping book for classes.

I wonder if I have any more chai tea bags in the drawer. This grey, overcast, drizzly afternoon makes me want a steaming mug, a cozy chair, and a good book.

I wonder if this process of applying for my Master's program will EVER get wrapped up!!

I wonder if I've taught my students everything they need to know to progress to next quarter.

I wonder why I'm such a procrastinator on making business calls.

You know that feeling?

Like when you're trying to swim from one end of the pool to the other underwater? Your lungs feel like they're going to burst, your heartbeat is pounding in your ears, but you keep going... and going... and going... and the burning of the chlorine in your eyes keeps you from really seeing how far away the end is, but you KNOW it's going to be under your finger tips any moment... so you talk yourself into one more stroke... then one more... and one more... and just one more.

Or when you're stretching and trying to do the splits, and the muscles in your legs are just screaming at you to let up, and your shoulders hurt from supporting your body weight, and then you drop an eighth of an inch... and a quarter... and a half inch... and three quarters... And you know you'll hold it one more moment... and one more moment after that... and then one more yet... because one of these days, you WILL do it.

Or when you're out running, and your lungs just ache. And you've set a goal to make it to the next electricity pole at a sprint before you'll stop. Every footstep feels like an eternity between them, and there are black specks around the edge of your vision, but the pole is getting closer and closer and closer, and bigger and bigger, and you know you won't stop, because you just haven't made it yet.

That... that is what I feel like.

To not make a decision is a decision in and of itself.

And sunsets make me think of God painting the sky with huge paintbrushes.

"Shut up and put your money where you mouth is, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas."