Confessions

I have a couple:

1 - I did not brush my teeth all day Monday. I know, I know, that's gross. I'm just trying to be real and honest, here. I left my house at a sprint to get some final grading done, and it was go-go-go the rest of the day. I just forgot.

2 - I slept a ton yesterday. Way more than I ever do. I slept in, and then was up for a couple hours, then took a three hour nap before going to the college group last night. It was glorious.

3 - I have a bit of a crush on the tattoo artist who did my tattoo. He's quite cool.

4 - I stole my brother's socks just now because my feet were cold. That just seems weird, because it seems like last week I was buying him socks out of the toddler section at the grocery store.

5 - I'm incredibly stubborn when I want to be, and I'm about to be so. But in my defense, I always like to make sure I have a justifiable cause to being stubborn - and I think I do with this one

6 - I was wrong, wrong, WRONG about my presumptions pertaining to my date for Bri's wedding. "K" is definitely not what I'd expected him to be. He's quite legit, actually. He's perfectly capable of conversing with me intently in the perimeter zone and didn't seem to feel the need to be in the target zone at all. I like that about him. He's an admirable fellow.

7 - Sometimes I pull out my "intellectual" show and try to use it to intimidate people I don't want to be too close to me. I found myself doing this in a bar last weekend when three "hyenas" got too close. I just started using big words and wearing my teacher face - which involves a lot of blinking and staring blankly - and it made me feel more removed from the situation. I don't think it really helped - they seemed to find it to be a personal challenge to extract some different kind of expression from my face, but it was still nice to feel like I was playing a bit of a role.

8 - I think I might have become addicted to salted carmel latte's from ZoJo's in the matter of one afternoon. Oh my. They are quite fabulous. I thought the vanilla latte's were good, but these were even better!

9 - I went with my friend Amber for a pedicure today, and I think my feet have never looked or felt so lovely. I can understand how girls become high maintenance, I think! Not that I will, but I can understand it now...

At the end...

I road-tripped to LA this weekend for the long-anticipated wedding of my super-uber-cool friends, Tom and Caitlyn. I met these two back in the very, very early days of their courtship (actually, it was pre-courtship... I had a sleepover on the roof of the house in Maroc with Caitlyn and we talked about how she liked Tom but wasn't sure what was going to happen...!). It was so fun and special to witness the culmination of all their energies into their long-distance, cross-cultural romance, and the commencement of their life as One... God is GOOD and romantic and creative beyond my imagination, I'm convinced!

I also got some wonderful time with my fantastic and fun cousins in the Central Valley. My very cool ENFP cuz, Kelly, kindly let me crash in her spare room/office for 3 nights rather impromptu. In addition, some long-time family friends that I haven't seen in over 10 years also welcomed me to their home for lunch (and their daughter and son-in-law for night #1 of my adventures with Poppy). I just love, love, LOVE going to see people! How cool is it that all these people want to be my friend and put up with me?! I'm so blown away by how generous God is to me through other people!

Lastly, I have to copy over these lyrics because they floor me every time I hear them. My car has a horrible time picking up radio reception, but as I was driving north through about Medford I managed to hear this whole song in perfect clarity. It was just what I needed as I sorted through various emotions and thoughts in isolation on my 15+ hour drive today...

"Let the Water's Rise" by Mikeschair

"I don't know where to begin,
It's like my world's caving in,
And I've tried but I can't control my fears.
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it's so hard to pray,
You feel so far away,
I am willing to go where you want me to,
God, I trust You.

There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise, if You want them to,
I will follow You, I will follow You.

I will swim in the deep,
Cuz you'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach.

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me
You've been faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise, if You want them to,
I will follow You, I will follow You.

God, Your love is enough,
You will pull me through,
I'm holding you.
God, your love is enough,
I will follow You, I will follow You.

There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise, if You want them to,
I will follow You, I will follow You."

This is my prayer tonight, Jesus. I love you. I don't understand the "why's" of life, but I am resting in You, the WHO that controls all the storms and seas of life. Lord, break my heart and make it like Your own. I want You to be my sustenance, my treasure, my delight, my comfort, my identity, my companion. Thank you for being relational, my Love, and seeking me and my heart. I want to follow You... Anywhere... Everywhere... As long as I'm WITH You!

Kelly James

"I grab [life] with both hands and pull [it] into my heart. I have seen true beauty that most people never experience. Thank you, Father, I recognize this is not possible apart from you. I cannot resist the lure of adventure. I crave it. I'm absorbed by challenge and, to a certain extent, danger. Thanks for your protection! I'm motivated and driven to climb more now than ever, even at the expense of death. Death has no hold on me and does not instill fear in my bones. I do want to live, but not at the expense of being idle. I know God wraps his loving arms around me and cradles me in his palms. I know I scare my family and friends, but I don't want to live unless I can LIVE..."

Maya Angelou

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Today I:

- crawled into bed at the ungodly hour of 2:30AM after bachelore partying it up with some girlfriends.

- attended my friend Nate's church for Sunday School since his Sunday School group is going through Mark Driscoll's "Trial" series.

- sat with my sun-tanned little sis at our home church and whispered and discussed tattoo ideas throughout the service... (We listened too, Evert - it was a good sermon! Thanks!)

- ate pizza with a buncha cousins at the family's favorite pizza shop with my dad and sis.

- finally ended the silly phone tag game my hippie-egyptian/american friend Zeph and I have been playing and talked in real time about GREs and Masters programs.

- took a nap (!!!)

- tackled an old favorite WOD from crossfit.com's website at the high school track while my sister ran stairs.

- grocery shopped with Heath and chatted with my friend Lindz simultaneously - which involved much laughter.

- had a beer with my dad. He's still not a fan, but I'll win him over eventually.

- remembered how blessed I am - to live here, now, with these people, in this body, under these conditions. I love today!

Masks

I've been thinking of masks and bubbles. How we each live our little life-bubbles, putting on the masks we assume and present to the world. I do this. I'm willing to bet that you do it. And I accept people's masks inside their little bubbles as the whole extent of them. But that's erroneous. It's not them. It's their mask I'm seeing. Inside the context of their bubble. I wonder if everyone, if they think about it long enough, wonders the same thing I wonder: When you look at me, do you see me at all? But if I'm only wearing masks, how can you? Is it possible to really know another person?

"What do you see
When you're looking at me?
Who will you find
As you traipse through my mind?
Do you like the art
Produced in my heart?
Who is it that you see
When you look at me?"