Trial Run

So this is a trial run for me.  I haven't blogged on here for quite some time and am out of practice!  I feel like it is important that I start journaling on here again.  I need a place to get my thoughts out.

Even just putting this picture up makes me so blue, and so so homesick for my Utah home!  I miss everything there so very much.

Tomorrow we move into our apartment, and I am not looking forward to doing another uhaul day.  I also feel so guilty about all the work my family keeps doing to help us out along this process.  I hope to be able to repay them all some day.

I feel like a hypocrite some days, telling my girlies to remember to have faith and optimism along this journey, and meanwhile I have days like today where I am internally freaking out wondering what the crap I have done to our little bit of sanity we actually had.  I have been looking online for homes sooo many months in a row that I am a little tired of it frankly.  I am stressed because I just feel such doom and gloom that it is pretty much impossible to find what we truly want for the amount of money we have to spend.  I know that I need to have more optimism and trust in God, that he wouldn't have brought us this far along only to drop us short of the finish line.

So my goal tomorrow is to be more cheerful about this whole process and less anxious about the unknowns.

This year for our Daddy Day, we decided that we would hike the Y in honor of the love that he has for his Cougars as well as in honor of his willingness to do hard things. It worked out perfectly. We started heading up, hoping that we had timed it well so that we could see a beautiful sunset once we reached the top.

I was worried that we had bit off more than we could chew. We packed a bag with our water and some muffins so we could have a treat at the top and took off running, literally. Ane started running up the side of the mountain, and no matter how I tried to convince her to conserve her energy she wanted to run. And much to my surprise only caught a couple of rides along the way.

This was a shot of my shadow as I carried the backpack along with a dozen balloons tied to my pack for the girls to write on and release later. I have to admit, it looked a bit odd...almost like I was wishing that the balloons would carry me to the top. :)

Here was the champion of the Daddy Day hike. Eva has NEVER walked anywhere without letting us know that she was displeased with the entire walking process. She grabbed herself a walking stick and just led the way. She made it to the Y first and was so proud of herself for what she had accomplished. The more we walked the more I felt such strong emotions at the symbolism that this hike represented for us.

It was at this point that I was hyperventilating because that is a ledge that they are standing right in front of. I suppose hiking up a mountain means there will be ledges, but they always manage to take my breath away. The view up there was so spectacular, and I couldn't help but think of the view that their Daddy can see. And our view as his girls continues to expand too.

I know this picture is blurry. But by the time we headed down it was quite dark. But I couldn't help take this picture of our two oldest with their arms around one another.

This night was such a great way to remember our Dad. We love you Naki.

One more semester finished, check.  It's a freakin miracle.  

Perfection

Last night Line had a three hour dance rehearsal. The rest of the girlies asked me if they could go to the park by our house to play for a bit, and I put Malia in charge of organizing the activity. She got everyone in their shoes, bike helmets, and jackets, and they headed out while I took a quick shower. As I dried my hair I could actually hear their cute squeals and shouts as they played together. I walked over to the park to get them for dinner and was so proud to see them all taking care of one another. Later as we drove to go pick up Li, I told them how overwhelmingly proud I was of the way they had looked out for one another and protected and helped each other. Eli said loudly from the back, "Well Mom, that's because we love each other!", to which all the others loudly chimed in with agreement. It was a beautiful moment. I have a perfect life because I have them.

Thanksgiving 2011

I think I need to hire a full time photographer that follows us around and captures all the things that I keep missing. I can not believe that the entire time that the Legg family was here visiting us from Ohio I have not. One. Single. Picture. Not one! What was I thinking? Seriously. Honestly there was so much fun happening that the memories mid-creation was what we were focused on, I'm sure. But here's a couple things that I can remember happening.
*Jackie and I going grocery shopping together...for several hours! It was so much fun...who DOESN'T like buying food, especially knowing it was all going to be in her capable hands for a week?!
*Uncle Russell took all the kiddos outside while we were gone to play in the only snow we've really seen this winter, and helped them build a snowman that lasted forever
*Jackie got to drive and meet one of the blog writers she follows, as well as sample some of the great recipes she'd only read about
*The big girlies and Jackie and I headed over to BYU for the last women's volleyball game of the season
*Jackie and I got to walk with her kids over to the girlie's school to watch them run in their annual Thanksgiving turkey trot...I love that our school does that
*Jackie and I going to get our hair done by the Amazing Tiffany
*Uncle Russell taking kiddos SEVERAL times to a play center, sometimes until midnight with the big kids...WHAT a trooper
*Auntie Jackie baking, and cooking, and baking, and cooking, and baking, and cooking...you get the idea
*Little munchkins tucked into their beds at night, whispering and chatting into the night
*Watching our traditional 1st Christmas movie of the season on Thanksgiving night together
*Had a visit from the Zellers during which Mailes, Leggs, Brousseaus, and Zellers went to the movies so Mom could study (during which Ane stuck a popcorn kernel up her nose...Thanks for taking care of that Auntie Connie!)
*Visited Naki's grave at the cemetery
*And of course, ate a scrumptious Thanksgiving feast together

I just cannot believe that I didn't take pictures! Oh well. These pictures were inspired by the visit. This was a picture from a story at school that Eli wrote about Thanksgiving. I loved her picture of the Leggs.

Ane enjoyed devouring Auntie's goodies...

Auntie splurged for us Mailes and bought a wireless mouse for our computer during Black Friday...officially the first time we've ever benefited from anything having to do with Black Friday. Had I known you could participate online perhaps I would have done so years ago. :) The girls were thrilled to finally get to use their computer again since their mouse had stopped working.


After Ms. Baking Phenomenon herself returned to Ohio, Malia was determined more than ever to make something she had created in her mind, something she had decided should be called "Mush". I had balked at the idea for some time. I am one of those people who struggles letting her kids mix the colors of playdough or color with the yellow marker on top of the black marker. So when she tried to describe what she envisioned, it took me some time to finally let her do it. But, here she is, completely enjoying herself. I introduce you to... Mush.





Finally, after we cleaned up all the remnants of Thanksgiving we pulled out all of the Christmas Decorations. The girlies and I just love rediscovering treasures that we haven't seen for an entire year. I'm always amazed that a whole year has managed to pass when it seems like that just couldn't be possible. And thus started the countdown to Christmas.

Beauty

The other morning in the middle of the hubbub of getting showered, dressed, beds made, morning scriptures read, all the morning chores completed, and finally breakfast, I overheard this conversation between Ane and Eva as they sat eating.

Ane: Ooooh, Eva...you look so beautiful today.
Eva: In Pants?!
Ane: Pants is beautiful too, Eva.

I loved hearing this exchange. These two are funny. I have to fight to get them to wear pants. They will opt for leggings and a skirt every time, but lately Eva has taken to occasionally putting on a pair of jeans without being asked to. I think it's fascinating to hear out loud what a three year old is thinking. How did she get so smart and wise? I love the thought that maybe, just maybe, some of what we try and teach about all kinds of beauty is actually heard.

I have postponed writing this post because there are many many many layers to it, and I am unsure which layers to reveal at this time and which ones need more contemplation. My therapist and I have talked many times about how much I love inner reflection. What attracts me to it is that it is not permanent. All the discovery and mental connections I make about myself, Naki, the girls, my relationship with God, and life in general are always evolving. I love the depth that it brings to who I am and hopefully how it helps me to love others for who they are.

Beauty is such a multifaceted topic in my mind, involving many different parts that make it a whole...spiritual beauty, emotional beauty, physical beauty, intellectual beauty, etc. I've had beauty on the mind for some time. Honestly for more time that I care to admit, all the way back to at least the fourth grade, if not earlier. Being concerned about different aspects of beauty to the extent that I was at such a young age is not normal, and I have been discovering many reasons why I was concerned about it. Most frustratingly, my internal dialogue about how I see myself as a beautiful individual still needs altering. The discussions with myself had run unchecked for years but had finally met their debating match when I married Naki. For the first time in my entire life I had met someone who was able to perfectly refute that awful dialogue. He, and only him and his perfect love for me, had this magical power that enabled me to slowly, in small baby steps, start to maybe believe that I was smart, I was fun, I was desirable, and that I was fill-in-the-blank. Many people who have known me for quite some time would be surprised to find that I struggle thinking of myself in these ways, mostly with physical beauty. I had learned long ago that even though I felt this way inside my own heart, that didn't mean that I would lay down and cry defeat to those thoughts. I would try hard, dang it, to work at seeing myself in a positive light and that required placing confidence in myself when I felt the least confident. I remember one specific incident. It was in the evening and Naki and I were getting dressed to go out somewhere. I had given birth to Line a couple of months earlier, and she was still under 6 months old. I sat down in defeat on the bed, and broke down and cried in frustration that I could find nothing to wear. I felt defeated that my body was what it was instead of what I had always wanted it to be, and was telling Naki about my angst. He so sweetly knelt down in front of me and had a candid discussion with me, telling me that who I am is more than the sum of how I see myself physically. Specifically I remember him warning me of the dangers of continuing on this path now that I had a daughter who would one day soon understand what I was saying. He asked me, "Is this the way you want her to feel about herself?" Adamantly I said absolutely not. Not in any way. She is beautiful. She is precious. "And so are you", he replied. The realization of the power of my example to our little girl was important, and he knew it. Thank heavens for that, since we were blessed with five more little girls who are just as beautiful and precious. With him at my side helping me day by day to recognize the beauty that is me, I felt desirable, treasured, and cherished. Those are powerful weapons that he aimed at me repeatedly, and it worked. I started to gain the belief that he had seen all along. I have beauty. All of us do. It just takes the right kind of love to help us recognize it within ourselves.

Through a long and painful journey as a result of Naki's death I have been led to the Savior. He has helped me to see the value I have as a daughter of God. All of his creations are good and beautiful, or at least can be if they recognize their potential and their purpose. Never before have I felt such inner beauty. Never. I feel empowered knowing that my intellect and my spirit can radiate His beauty if I allow it. It is a gift to be able to admit that out of such an awful and ugly tragedy I have discovered the inner beauty that Naki was always trying to help me see. Because of my ability to feel that inwardly, I am especially cognizant of my increasing inability to see my outward beauty.

One of the things that I hadn't considered as a side effect of losing my husband was that I would no longer have that amazing debate opponent for my belittling inner conversations with myself. I have been devastated to discover that bit by bit they have crept back. Or more accurately, they have most likely always been there but without his balance they are once again running unchecked. It is disheartening to realize that this is a battle I am still fighting. I have many who have helped in small ways, but their small acts have helped more than they know. Silly, really. My sister bought me perfume, which I hadn't used in years. Some friends, twice now, surprise the girls and I with heart sticky notes all over our house, hidden in cupboards, cabinets, and drawers with kind messages written on them. Specifically, in my bathroom they write uplifting messages about my inner and outer beauty. Many of the notes were collected by little excited hands that discovered them. But I left those others up in bathroom where I see them every day in an effort to remind myself that what they say could be true. Perhaps most frustratingly is that it seems that all I want to have is to hear Naki telling me those things, which I know someday I will again hear. But what about today? What can I do now to match the way I feel about my inner beauty to the way I feel about my outer beauty? I have been prompted to develop more discipline in multiple areas of my life, spiritually and physically. And so as I work on those things, I felt that I would benefit from hearing any of your thoughts on the matter. I was hesitant to even write my feelings on this topic, because it shouldn't be about me and others feeling like they needed to reassure me. I know I am not the only person who experiences these feelings, and hope to gain some real insight to help not only myself but others who feel the same way I do.

One thing that I have gained from this experience is the awareness of all the different kinds of beauty. I used to have a standard in my mind of what physical beauty looks like on others. I am pleased to honestly say that I now see that physical beauty is actually composed more of the exquisite beauty emanating from the inside out rather than a particular set of physical features. Now that I can see that in others, I need to see it in myself.

Fall Break 2011

This year the girlies were truly looking forward to their Fall Break from school. I however, not so much. I always look forward to when the girls are out of school. I feel greedy, wanting as much time with them as I can get before this precious too-short time of their little years runs out. However, I didn't know how to handle my classes and fall break simultaneously, never before being in school while they were out of school. The only way I survived this past semester in general was with the dear and charitable gifts given to me by friends and family that voluntarily watched the girls on assigned days of the week. I would drop them off at 9:30 in the morning and would then leave them there for playing, lunch, and naps, which all of these dear friends endured simply out of love for us. I still am in awe of their goodness. But can you sense my panic when I all of a sudden lost two whole study days? I was hyperventilating, desperately trying to figure out how on earth I would make it without turning in late assignments, missing tests, and falling behind in my oodles of reading. Additionally, I am the kind of student that needs silence while I study. We all know how that was absolutely NOT going to happen in the next several days. And so, I enlisted my sweet children's help. I explained to them what needed to be accomplished and that I knew they would be sacrificing their free time to help me. Not one of them complained. Not one. With smiles and actual happiness they for the next two days ran a household. They helped one another dress and make their beds in the morning, did each others hair, made each other breakfast and cleaned it up, as well as lunch. They played with one another throughout the morning and tidied up after themselves. I stayed sequestered away, trying to speed study, hoping that all was going well. I couldn't believe how effortlessly and perfectly it all went. I would make dinner for them but they would help each other get bathed and dressed in jammies, read stories to one another, and get everyone tucked in so I could come in and give everyone goodnight kisses. After seeing them do this Thursday and Friday, I knew they needed to know that their efforts had far surpassed what I had expected and that I wanted them to know how much I, their Daddy, and their Heavenly Father were proud of them and their peaceful choices over the last two days. So at the last minute late Friday afternoon I called them all into the living room and told them to quickly go grab their swimsuits, a pair of jammies, and their daddy blankets for a fun surprise. Of course you can imagine the giggles, squeals, and extreme excitement and enthusiasm. Some time ago I remembered reading in a family magazine the idea of taking a "staycation", instead of a vacation. The idea was to stay in your local area but treat it as if you were visiting somewhere else and have a vacation right at home. We hopped in the car and headed over to a local Marriott and had the best night. I love how when we do these little new adventures it brings about such a reduced level of stress and arguments amongst all of us. We swam for several hours, and some friends of ours even came and joined us. Afterwards we all walked over to a Denny's and had dinner together. We eventually walked back to our room, did nails, and watched late night Disney channel. All the girls were in heaven, and after they went to sleep, there was even a little desk for me to set up my laptop and get back to work. I felt such gratitude that somehow, even though in my mind it seemed impossible, I was able to get all my work done AND the girls were able to see what they are capable of. I was especially grateful that they were able to see that I love and appreciate all they do every single day. These girls deserve absolutely everything they ever get.