Entries by tag: babies
Talking about babies makes me both happy and sad. Happy because I'm fortunate to have a lot of children in my life, and sad because I will never have one of my own. I've dealt with it, but anyone who actually can't have children will tell you that you never ever get over it. It is not something that you can ever bury and never think about again. It is always there, always in the back of your mind. Every time someone you know is pregnant you think about it, every time you hear about someone having a baby you think about it and every time you're with people who have kids you think about it.
Every girl grows up thinking about the husband and kids she'll have some day. I was always very focused on my career but I always thought I'd have a baby some day. When the day came that my doctor told me it was not a good idea to have kids and that she definitely advised against it, it crushed me. I couldn't go back to work that day, I couldn't pretend that everything was okay and unfortunately my then husband was little help. Thankfully my co-worker, and close friend, and her husband were an amazing support that day and I'll never forget it.
It's been a few years since that day, but I can assure you the pain has never and probably will never go away. To know that you'll never carry a baby, never give birth to a baby and never raise your very own child is not something I wish on anyone. It is a very dark agony that haunts your very core.
What gets me through it is knowing I am in fact a very, very lucky person. I have an incredible life and am very blessed to have experienced what I have. I have such a strong support system and have such intense love for everyone in my life. My family and friends unyielding strength and their belief in me has allowed me to rise above expectations and tell this illness to fuck off.
The wonderful guy I'm seeing is a dad; he has three boys - 4, 6 and 7. This guy means a lot to me, more than I can express and for a lot of reasons. The word I'm looking for is not "ironic" but close to it. I am not able to have children, but he has three. If I am lucky enough to spend some of my life with him, then I'll have the tremendous gift of having children in my world. And I, beyond a doubt, can not put in to words what that means to me.
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Babies. This is a hard one for me. I love them. I think they are cute, cuddly, adorable, sweet and perfect.
But...........
Sometimes it's hard. Because sometimes I can't get past the fact that I'll probably never have one.
Yes, I have nieces, a nephew and friend's babies to love and play with...but it is absolutely not the same.
i have a lot of love to give a baby. But that love will have to be saved for my Max and my Griffin. I love my furry little boys like nobody's business. They mean the world to me. I guess they are the closest I will come to having kids.
And i do realize that it's not a good time for me to have kids. I've realized that for a long time now. I'm not delusional. I am aware that holding Griffin for longer than 1 minute makes me tired enough to have a nap (bit of an exaggeration, but so what). I get that I need to focus my entire attention on my health, which leaves little time for a baby. I get that looking after a baby would deplete all my energy and have a damaging toll on my health.
I get it.
Doesn't make it any easier.
Especially when you see your friends having babies. I wonder if most people take it for granted? I wonder if they fully understand just how extremely lucky they are?
I hope so.
But for the time being I do have my precious baby niece Seja. She is amazing. Utterly amazing. Takes your breath away. So freaking jesus adorable. it amazes me how a 2 month year old can steal your heart. And to quote my dad "she doesn't give it back".
You never know what the future will bring. There are some people who've had transplants that have babies. It's possible. Not entirely something that is encouraged. But you never know. That's life. It's a wait and see game.
I guess I'm just so scared that by the time I actually have my transplant and get healthy and doctors say it's ok....I'll be too old. Or it'll be too dangerous. And maybe I'm being ridiculous. I have researched it and it's not the best idea to have a baby post-transplant.
I know I'm getting way ahead of myself. Putting the cart before the horse.
My life is so unknown and unpredictable right now that it's just dreams. Really just dreams. even to adopt seems ludicrous. Is it fair to adopt a child when you might very well not be around to raise it?
Please....I know these things aren't going to happen. I realize I will never be a mother.
But...I'm allowed to dream.
To imagine carrying a baby.
To imagine giving birth to a baby.
To holding a baby for the first time.
To watch my husband hold a baby for the first time.
To introduce my baby to my family and friends.
To rock my baby to sleep.
To sing to my baby.
I can dream.
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envious - Current Music:HGTV
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Sending good thoughts and prayers your way as…