#251

When Christina stops talking to Mer, or Mer stops talking to Christina,

or when they only communicate through their husbands,

they both go crazy.

*

Knowing a person is not enough, we are all subject to change.

Expectations are the root cause of heartache, said someone.

Now what?

*

When they both stop talking to each other,

Christina goes fishing.

There are no bathrooms out there.

void

If this is because of you, child-bearing organ, I beg you to let me pass.

Just these few days without...without using my eyes.

And leave my heart alone.

Just this one time, please.

One Day With,

I giggled when this was 'Recommended for You'.
Alahai Youtube :)

And giggled and smiled sumore :)
Sumore, yeah &)

A kind of twinkly. A kind of is;

The worst kind of anything is when your dreams play with you.

Or so i thought.

*

Three different individuals with so-called Unsolvables. And i must agree, they kind of are Unsolvables. We were stumped. Even in each other's shoes we wouldn't know what to do.

By tie, by bond or by blood -we were stumped.

*

The Kitchen Conversation left me feeling...liberated. Free from what haunts? Of course not! Not everything is about finding answers. At least, not immediately.

And of course, if you are in need of that slap -you better be prepared.

*

The worst kind of anything is not when your dreams play with you.

I must say, i have yet to experience Life full force, head on.

Most things are made worse in the head, really.

Even when someone else tries to justify it for you.

There is no need, not now, not ever to hurry on and find answers.

The need lies in the comfort of a listening heart.

*

Oh yous, lets, please, with all the ray the moon can offer, lie down and watch the stars.

It's a kind of twinkly night. It is :)

She's Come Undone, Wally Lamb

It is two totally different things. Two vastly different matters that should not matter. Two? Three? Who's counting. Counting may prove to be fatal especially since there is a number still bigger than what would be hugely comforting. The latter being days, of course. The former being...being things that should not matter. And it should not, you know? But it hurts just the same. Deeply. It hurts just the same.

Salt on silly wounds. Salt on absolutely silly wounds. Silly wound-ish dreams have stopped recurring. It's the worry, maybe. Dreamless nights is driven by the worry, maybe. And the garden wedding with songs from Sungkai. And the hurt but so what who cares, we're not talking about one particular person. We are talking a bit about Worry daughter of Gondor. Well now not anymore. Now we are moving on to another subject.

It's the look aways, still. Even through this silly space it is still the look aways. Maybe it's greater because it's through this silly space. Whoever's space so long as its the look-away-space. So long as it is.

The damage is done, isn't it? Far too long gone. Or just plain gone. Logic and sense has flown out the window as soon as the Guard took the white paper away. All that's left is the silly deep wound that needs to be tended to.

Yes. I know. Completely out of my mind. But the number has been three. Or four. I don't know. Like I said, who's counting :)

Breathe It Out,

please, excuse me.

Different Shades of Blue II;

It was a night
all five senses
fought to make
us understand.

Although the sky
was pitch black,
sitting behind two
adoring lovers, we
finally understood.

Today, the different
shades of my
most favorite-est blue,

only made the
determination greater

and served as
a humbling reminder

of what is
worth fighting for.

Ghosts;

"Seven different places need a bitter mending. All we use are eyes to fill the gap."

Ghosting, Freelance Whales

The best kind of time to stumble upon random lines or lyrics that make sense.

Or maybe not, hence the weird and silly dreams.

The best kind of random lines are those that make sense a thousand and one ways.

Lets not touch the weird and silly ones, shall we?

But this goes out to you, old friend.

No contact, none for months with massive sometimes verging on ridiculous change of situations,

only to find that the heart has not left and is still the same.

For making me realize that you don't fill the gap with your eyes.

You fill it with your Heart.

"What sand is the same once a wave has hit it? The answer my friend, is blowing in the winds"

Thank you :)

Expect a massive wave of weird nonsense. I am being visited by many, tonight.

Blissful -Trust

Sebab dari rambut biru dan main tipu

jadi rambut natural, tak main tipu 

dan gigit pick kuning.

Hair phases much.

Literally or metaphorically,

I'd curl up (like a ball or a cat)
comfortably (insanely so) 

-anytime.

nyehehehehehehehehhhh goodnight ♥

(source)

wary is the heart that once hit nothing but walls

senses trained for shifts and swirls

footsteps fall to a silent hush

find oneself locked in a room

under the blankets

praying

hoping

Lesson #136

"If there's a crisis, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward, because you've seen worse. You've survived worse and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. That's not a flaw. It's a strength. It makes you who you are."

-Grey's Anatomy

What are we but forever learners
forever learning :) ♥

Robert Frost's Revelation:

We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated heart
Til someone really finds us out.


'Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
The understanding of a friend.


But so with all, from babes that play
At hide-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are

Lesson # 5

There is a Jewel most say does not exist.

Even when they are given the chance to bask in its glorious light.

Too many, too many that it's sad

believe that it will one day turn into what it actually is;

a rock.

Didn't someone say, "we are what we believe?"

Or at least, we are what we believe, eventually.

I was said to be naive that one time,

holding on with all faith I could muster,

determined to prove them wrong.

As wondrous as it was, life happened, and it was time.

My lesson was not in realizing my naivity,

not to let the thought go and conform.

I suppose it would take more to break this childish hope.

**

With time, things will change.

Massively, sometimes.

But the essence, should not.

The core, the glue, that little something that has always kept it real, should not.

What is simple should not be made complex.

And what is complex should not be taken lightly.

With the exact amount of faith and trust from not just one,

but two,

you'll see.

You'll see.

forget please, 

all the reasons why it won't work.

realize instead,

the reasons why it always did

and always will.

'Cause you can see it when I look at you

Antivirus semakin comel, 

sebab boleh link Facebook dan Twitter.

Walaupun saya tiada Twitter, walaupun.

Tapi saya ada happy place. Yang sedikit rahsia.

Sebab dia happy place. Jadi dia perlu rahsia.

For the time being.

Ada Crêpe putih, ada heart-wrenching DVDs.

Akan ada sandwich daging resipi baru yang sedap.

Kalau sempat.

Cake Mania seronok, betul.

Tapi dia buat screen resolution jadi pelik 

dan gambar semua nampak rosak.

Macam mana nak edit gambar 

kalau warna semua pecah seribu?

Ahh.

Tahan sakit belakang memenatkan.

Tapi, hey, banyak bintang.

Dan hey, ada Crêpe.

Ada Nona.

Ada Doa.

Moga lurus Niat.

Moga terang Hati.

Untuk

Aku Bisa Membuatmu. Part 6

Untuk itu

dan

terus

sampai akhir.

Sejenis Aftermath;

Dengan tibanya rombongan Cik Kiah,
disambut dengan pasukan serba hitam dari UTP
(okay, minus Tra sebab dia manis berbaju kurung)
saya, secara rasminya, bebas dari HRM
(and the weirdness that surrounded it)

dan FYP
(and the stress that came with it)

dan yeay dapat lepas rindu!
(through the hugs that found its way here)

dan yeay cartwheels and grins!
(through yes, you and the laughing brothers)

dan yeay more reasons!
(♥ ♥ ♥)

dan
(hushing hearts on matters that should not matter,
not anymore, no longer,
with Love in hand and a battalion around you,
this (yes dearest, this) is where your heart remains true).

Kan dah sampai Tronoh.
Saya tak pernah jauh mana pun, betul :)

Menjelang HRM;

Saya, seorang Generation Y will show you, straight up, that you cannot bring me down.

Bring it on lahhhhhh!

The trick is to remain calm, 

rid of negative energies, 

see shiny glittering eyes with warmth that reaches the soul, 

and look forward to the arrival of Cik Kiah's rombongan.

Cik Kiah Cik Aina, Happy Reliving Happy Moments Tomorrow!

I ist love you loads loads ♥

And with that, Goodnight.

wooaaahhhhh dejavu!

Lesson #531

The amazing thing about going through what happened, oh wait, hold on.
There are, of course, a gazillion amazing things about going through what happened.

Number 531 shall we?

It can be moronically insane, socially suicidal or completely and utterly preposterous,
whatever it may be in the eyes of the world,
will no longer be in mine.

We have no say, none at all, not until we've walked a mile in the person's shoes.
Even then, even if we have a general idea, even then it is not enough to pass a judgment or two.

And for as long as the word Friends are involved,
all we can do is sit back (try and say a few words if so the need arises)
and find it in our dear and darling hearts to understand.

Do you want to know why I find you absolutely lucky?
They are silently watching your back.
In spite of, despite of - whatever it is, all done without a hint of spite.
Approving or disapproving is another matter.
They are there for you. As am I.

No need to throw away what is unnecessary.
The years has proven to be far more valuable then a silly situation.

Die Antwort weiss ganz allein der Wind

All you have to do is Listen.

Good day  ♥

FYP

Thank you and goodnight ;)

Hello Sunshines;

Growing old(er) is not the fear.
Forgetting youth, is.

I saw and embraced them from a distance.
For being exceptions in a world that is cruel to those who do not suit up and follow the norm.
It IS possible not to succumb to whatever wrath a mere nine-to-five routine presents.

To two halves that is of course flawed but perfectly whole, thank you.
God bless you beautiful souls ♥

Saya kagum muzik dan puisi masih dekat dengan jiwa mereka

Walaupun sudah mencecah dunia korporat dengan kaki yang dua

Firsts

MAS. Minggu Aluan Siswa is it?

Ada talk dekat Poket D.
Dr Kamil tengah bagitahu, students ICT/BIS kena ada laptop.
Tegur perempuan sebelah kanan.
Dia kata panggil dia Zaf.
(Tapi masa mula mula kenal, selalu hampir panggil dia Liyana)

MAS lagi.
Duduk dekat Main Hall sampai dua tiga pagi.
Tengah pakai baju kurung hitam mama yang ada bunga merah tu.
Perempuan sebelah kanan tegur.
Dnaz kata dia cam sebab masa Educamp saya selalu kepit dengan seorang lelaki.
(Dulu panggil dia Cik Din, sekarang kadang kadang terlepas panggil Cik Din lagi)

MAS lagi dan lagi.
Duduk Main Hall lagi dan lagi.
Susun jadual yang saiz tak boleh nak besar lagi.
Zaf panggil ajak fahamkan jadual sekali.
Ada lagi seorang dengan Zaf.
"Panggil Shikin"
(Shikin??? Zaf terus pendekkan jadi Ikin tanpa berkat tuan punya nama)

Kelas pertama atau mungkin kedua.
Mungkin Business Stats, mungkin Database Systems.
Bukan Drama I, confirm.
Tegur perempuan yang duduk depan.
"...Jagdeep. You can call me..."
Dan berlakulah typo nama pertama dekat UTP.
(Bukan Jack okaay. It's Jag please)

Selalu nampak.
Sneakers, bagpack pink, ikat rambut ponytail jalan sini sana.
Masa ni sibuk add drop subjects manually.
Jag perkenalkan.
"This is Clarie, my friend"
(Ejaan asal Clarelare. Susah okaay nak type kat gTalk! Maka Kelele lah sekarang)

Dan dari 5, jadi 8, jadi 10, jadi 15, jadi KKK.

Dari lab Structured Programming, assignment Computer Organization, Jubair dan team 13 ternama, sampai hari-hari seterusnya.

KKK dah nak grad wey! (Valid lagi kah panggilan KKK? hehe)

Manaa 100gb gambar?

Kita dah nak grad:)

"And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while"

Like I said, dedications.

*

I'm about to unofficially say goodbye to another sort of family tonight.

And after yesterday, I might be a little bit shaky.

*

Ammmahzing, really:) 

"How Lucky Am I"

We're too busy figuring out wants and needs.
Wanting and needing what we don't really have.
Or should not have, really.

Is temporary happiness worth the chase?

**

For Life.

Buzz Lightyear cakap, "To Infinity and Beyond".

**

"I really bloody am. I really bloody am" (Rallentendo)

Goodnight ♥

Wrapped up tight -nice and warm; better than what used to be pulling the covers up high.

"Sweet dreams til sunbeams find you"

Zen

You don't get to steal sunshines.

I won't let you :D

image courtesy of Google

Please. Allow me to catch my breath;

duduk diam diam jatuhkan hukuman.
diri bising bising sebarkan hukuman.
sama ada duduk atau berdiri,
suka dan pandai ulas sendiri.

of questions that will never see the light of day.


siapa berani kata dia pakar soal hati?
kejujuran yang pada awalnya tulus dipandang tinggi.
jangan sampai hilang arah tuju.
hati hati perihal hati.

of answers that will live in the darkness of the night.


doing things when the heart's not in it,
when the mind refuses to comprehend the mess that doesn't make sense.

but if i may dare ask,
til when?

to live in half measures.

but if i may dare ask,
what are we afraid of?


what is your fear?


*

and move far out of the way
with one who can laugh, cry and sing along.

It is time.

Saya, kadang-kadang pergi pasar jual ikan. Awak?

Saya tak akan boleh jadi dia.


Tidak mungkin sehebat itu.


Buang sejauh mana, bila pusing kembali pasti akan 1000 kali ganda.


Saya mana boleh jadi dia.


Tidak akan boleh sehebat itu.

*

Unrelated perhaps; Brilliant.

all it takes

are moments -however brief.

*

a whispering breeze

a blast of air

or one helluva tornado

with one silent prayer

i will

for as long as i am able to

not do what Zephyrs do to you

*

seluruh hati,

sepenuh jiwa

*

all it takes 

are moments - however brief

i am humbled.

*

Yet eyes this cunning want to grace their art ,
They draw but what they see, know not the heart.
William Shakespeare

Shamsiah;

For making the best out of poverty.
For standing up for what she believes in.
For the fights that happened around her.
For four days of being lost in the jungle.
For the loves that did not work out.
For the man she left for their own good.
For the men that looked past her, ignored her, left her.
For the man that finally stood by her.
For her baby boy that was killed.
For the untruths of her killing her son.
For people who never cared to ask her truth.
For the friends she lost.
For being exiled from a country she was born in, fell in love in, and fought for.

And survived.


Duduk termenung kisahkan benda yang sekecil semut?


Strength, whatever the odds.

...through all hopes that keep us brave,

Elizabeth Browning

What a Difference Another Day Made,

to be lost and unfound

with the only kind of hand in hand

is something else.

360 degrees in a blink of an eye (or that look to be more precise)

melting away sorrows of yesterday.

literally.

it is a privilege.

:')

dia datang dengan bendera putih "reductio ad absurdum"

it serves as a reminderof what is edging ever so near.

what differs is whether itwhispersor screams.
colloquies of thefuture insists that theworldmoves on even without yourpresence.

pangs that knows not to respectthe light of dayorthe dead of night.

nevertheless

surging fires provide morelight than daylight.

more warmth than the sunevercould.
however the worldmoves does not defineyoursignificance.
what matters isnow. isthis.

and how itbranchesout and beyond.

hush.

High

sebaaab (in no particular order):

• sunset Perak at its best never fails


• not having to click the 'next' button while scrolling is heavenly


• walaupun hanya bit.ly, tapi jyeah!


• facebook suka cuba menjalinkan hubungan kekeluargaan tanpa segan dan silu. facebook diminta bersabar, walaupun nombor enam tu boleh dikira guna jari.


• yummy soul-feeding conversations that can grow from nothing *burp*


• viewing photos on facebook has never been easier


• dengar Discovery (not the channel) sambil mengemas bilik atau http://bit.ly/bQM2zL atau duduk diam atas kerusi sambil tunggu masa kutip duit


• walaupun performance '67 VW Beetle saya lame, dan selalu kalah di tangan kereta adik adik yang super power, tapi sekarang dia visually appealing hah!


• adik says he doesn't tolerate assholes, sheeps that run out of the blue however is acceptable (http://bbc.in/diFO2m)


• penyakit tercakap kuat benda yang sepatutnya cakap dalam hati (dan vice versa) rupa rupanya sejenis penyakit berjangkit


• ada vanilla coke dalam fridge, asam dalam tupperware penutup pink dan Rocky Strawberry atas meja


• stumbling upon randomness at the click of a button is ever so sweet


• smells linger, haven't you heard? :)

Don't mind me, but this is what i have to deal with for the rest of my life. Maka, Pak-ly.

bisikan;

Abang Mad is starting to look a lot like Abang Long.
Their similarities with Ayah? Uncanny.

Bangah's room has always been a haven.
That dusty thick P Ramlee book has always been a favorite to pull out from under his bed.

Evenings are never complete without playing by the swings, and chasing chickens has always been a joy.

Ngah and Tok would be busy with the many kuihs'. Kak Cik being Kak Cik would be in the kitchen helping them. I only love helping Tok with her Kuih (or is it biskut?) Gunting. Easy peasy.

Andai kata bintang menyepi
Bulan tidak berseri
Malam menjadi sunyi
Tidak berseri lagi

Kalu mu nok tahuu (kaluu nok tahu la, tak mboh takpe)

saya rindu raya Terengganu.

and...and.

**
saya percaya pada garis garis yang perlu dilukis.

dan suara kecil hati -selalunya

but please, not tonight.

:)

strange, indeed.

Conversations of Love amidst weird moments, random songs and a lot of chocolate - baked until slightly golden,

Selamat Hari Raya
Maaf Zahir Batin
to all :)

With Love,

Radzi & Co.
Lincy & gang
♥

Pinjam Perkataan I

Perfect are silences, amid the conversations of your eyes

The Zephyr and I

Not everything has a name. Some things lead us into a realm beyond words…By means of art were are sometimes sent - dimly, briefly - revelations unattainable by reason.

Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

For All That It's Worth,

You deliver your act
to one
who is Supreme
One
whose judgments are the ones
that matter
The only one
whose judgments
should matter


I am no one, only humbled. No one, only humbled.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
Reinhold Niebuhr

Love

"You can't win em all. Anywhoos, you wouldn't want to if they don't let you."

Lights so green they became a rainbow.

Look around, take it in. What more can I say?

Look inside, breathe it in. What more can I ask for? :)

"What's one major thing that has changed since the last time I saw you?"

An Adventure,

Slates are best wiped clean before long travels.

Excessive forgiveness is not such a bad thing.

Hearts heal in different ways. What is important is to remember that Hearts (can) heal;
whatever the odds.

Ahh, what were the odds. Odd. Life's interesting that way.

*smiles*

i am noone, only humbled

Deeply, i know no other way

A Bowl of Fruit Loops Anyone?

Massively, publicly by none but one,

though maybe, maybe many more secretly.

Round and round,

but never exactly touching the centre.

Covered by what is hard to miss,

yet overlooked.

Overheard? Yes, once,

or twice.

But it's okay.

Stars die only to live on.

We define within ourselves

what is silver and what is gold

or what is nothing, nothing at all.

Bali cakap,

dia "dulu senior yang handsome" or was it senior handsome dulu dulu? Hehe

Helping out a friend :) Click click

p/s: Okay Bali, ni on behalf of Kelele and I :D

Note to Self;

Sebelum berbuka, satu draft. Lepas berbuka, draft baru. 4 jam lepas, two more. 

Drafts here and there. But I will settle with this, for now.

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

     But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be

your desires:

     To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

     To know the pain of too much tenderness.

     To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

     And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

     To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

     To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

     To return home at eventide with gratitude;

     And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

Good day :)

"Jangan takut, saya ada" (extended)

Selagi tak sapu lantai, susun kerusi meja,
selagi tu macam ni.

There are things that cannot be built and cannot strengthen under pure Assumptions.
Would it surprise you how much i actually care?

(Dan saya bukan seorang penipu)


Betul, tak tipu :)


***
(Added after a few rounds of Plants vs Zombies)

There is a higher power that is trying to tell me something.

"Fear Not, Dear Friend, But Freely Live Your Days" Robert Louis Stevenson

Alahaai :)

Oh and you, you! Extremely :)

Saya cuma perlu ingat,
saya diberi masa untuk kumpul kekuatan.

I have never been good at this,
and I don't think I'll ever be.

*wipes*

Hello August (Rush!);

Lets break legs!

Dan untuk kamu kamu,

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
:)

as i am able to,

It's been too long a time, too long.

"You are running the risk of being judged.", she said just before she left a few days ago.

I wouldn't say it's unfair, I wouldn't say it's fair either.

*

Selagi tak faham atau tak mahu faham, selagi tu akan tak keruan. Konklusi minggu minggu barai saya, "cik Lina, sila selak langsir."

You never know what might hit you.

*

All clad in black, but nothing like it.
We are indeed rejoicing from a 100 feet fall.
Followed by a conversation of a presence that cannot be resisted.
A long walk along a row of shophouses selling flowers.
Or around an ancient city rich with history.

An hour passes by too quickly, too easily.
Extremely. Please, endlessly.

Eyes red and watery,
Hopelessly. Please, very.

For as long

*

"But I'm here for you.", and she closed the door behind her.

Jangan takut, saya ada. 


*

Heavenly so.

Tarik Nafas (the other kind);

"For the tears that drip all over;
Mountains toppling evermore
Into seas without a shore;
Seas that restlessly aspire,
Surging, unto skies of fire;"
E.A Poe

Hormonal, betul.

But then again, there are many forms of crazy, no? :)

Tarik Nafas;

Moga moga. 

Harap harap.

"Lesson Five: Have Faith

and it is complete."

Signs (More!)
Always at the most unexpected times
and at the weirdest places.

However it hits
(and however deeply...

Surges) Like i said,

grink!

Signs (My Version)

Robert Frost wrote about The Road Less Travelled By. I would tell you a story (or a bunch of them) of a road I travelled by. Whether it is generally excepted or otherwise, well, beauty is and always has been in the eye of the beholder. Per se.

And winding roads, however difficult the decisions and however painful the aftermath - I am here. I am glad.

*

(Apparently) There was a reason why I woke up to MK Ultra today.

Lya, this is for you. For being there at the right moment at exactly the right time, even when we were miles apart. An intense three-way connection of some sort for that brief moment with too deep an impact. I love you, and honestly straight from the heart too :)

It is the lightest most brightest green-est sort of light in the good-est, best-est way yet.


Dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan... :)

Plants vs Zombies

Kill
and destroy-
as it makes its way
deep into the familiar-
else it will haunt your dreams
and forever bubble beneath surfaces
death by battalions and unsettling stares-
kill them ugly green monsters, so sickly green
they seem almost Grey, not black, just almost Grey.

*

Let one out, let the other in.

Wash away, please come again another day.
Or better still, just don't.

*

Buka tingkap dan nampak bulan yang hampir penuh
Mana tak nampak separa jelmaan
Memang musim

Siap ada belon.

Time is being funny, good funny.

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself." Kahlil Gibran

A. Through hopscotch, girls scouts and PBSM (for you) -the definition of strength.
S. Classmates with a girl who is silent but protective beneath the surface.
(L)
A. Traditional dances on stage with a girl with soft hands and a strong heart.
R. Business partners through mini libraries and stickers with a rational and organized mind.
I. Game junkies, the little sister and the compassionate heart.
D. Perfect chemistry in a game of netball, forever the perfect wing, and always the pillar.
S. All the way since primary, all the way.

(from flickr.com)

Through bumps and bruises,

through all those heartbreaks throughout the years.

Look where you are now. 

Look where we are :)

Can You Tell?

meep!

"Take My Hand", katanya lagi

"Jangan takut. Selagi ada, semampu boleh. Gelap atau terang -selagi ada, semampu boleh."

And I woke up. Did I say it, did the voice? Alahai, mysterious voices.

Nabilah, predicaments!

Kalau kita duduk minum kopi (teh o ais untuk aku),
bincang hal topeng dan dinding dan gunung
kita akan sentiasa sampai konklusi
bahawa...

It is the heart we are trying to protect.



Bangun dan...takut? (pfft macam macam) bukan perasaan yang menarik.

Shine Like Gold, Buzz Like a Bee;

There is that brief moment 

before a person is on the way 

to doing something possibly momentous

he or she would look up at the skies above

and silently pray that God be with their every step.

At that moment

there are no more contemplations of right or wrong

these are no longer crossroads.

And the voices?

They are now the interval of a perfect prime

Unison, if you may.

*

Oh, let me count the ways.

Content, Content

Five FIFA World Cup posters on the wall stared back at me,

just like the last time-

only this time it was from a different angle.

Count in the number of empty glasses on the table and the non-stop laughter throughout the week.

True.

Whatever else life brings especially in the next few months to come, bring it on :)

The Lying Chords, and she saw Light trickling in

Swirls and voices overlapping.
Loud and clear, some whispering softly.

Not today though. I saw a rainbow today.
And there are stars across the black sky.

Swirls and voices overlapping.
Not today. Today, I get to pick which ones to listen to.

And I pick you.

:)

Of Food for Thought(s);

Breakfast, ASLARIDS and Bihun Sup Terbaik Pasar Besar TTDI;

Time maximization would mean full use of the time spent together. Two hours is not and would never be enough, especially since now that the breakfast crew has managed to gather five of us instead of the usual two or three. Updates began in the car, and yes Love we are happy you found your silver lining :) It goes to show, there is always hope. Life does reward those who are patient and those who persevere.

I would suppose at this age, some (if not most) of us would come with baggages of our own. Being with a person would mean dealing with those baggages as well. TRUST is key. And it is never anyone's fault if things don't work out. It may not now, does not mean it won't ever in the future. We are all still learning aren't we? :)

Let's skip update number three. I love you girls and that is enough :)

Was it three years? Or four? To realize a love that could have been. Funny thing, when time and love decide to spice things up. I dare not say much, but I would say this. It is never too late, not now, not yet. Decisions don't have to be made, not immediately. Let things unravel in it's own pace. "You never know" is the best part. Even if it hurts.

And darling I see you, and I admire your patience and your smart decision to wait and see.

Again, please :)


Lunch, The Wedding and Nasi Minyak dengan Ayam Sedap;

The wedding frenzy was fun. Getting ready with all the fuss and makeup reminded me of prom night. Picture rempit dengan KD is ish tolong jangan upload facebook please! Aunty Raha's frantic "look pretty, look pretty!" was comel and even comel-er when it was directed (tak sengaja of course) to Pear.

Can I say that I am touched with those little moments especially with The Blue One and The Purple One. I rarely do get to talk or spend time with them with you girls, and the moments were perfect that yes! Lya and (hehhh), I shall get yous something heavy and small! KD and Wan, I shall get yous something big and heavy! Settle future wedding gifts.

Mama cool. We've decided to go for small and intimate (please, such conversations don't happen often, and not with me especially) with a list of performances yang tak payah susah susah dan fikir panjang panjang. Macam plan music event! Mama cool, yes :D


Tea, Tears and Teh-O-Ais;

There were a lot I did not agree with, because I am not you. I cannot suppress my emotions. I have to acknowledge them. Only then can I deal with them. It does not mean I am moving in reverse, does not mean that I am any weaker. But thankyou, for taking your words back and allowing me to become human. Aren't we all?

And with that, I am glad the Mrs came along. She understood, to an extent why "all over the place" at that time was unavoidable.

Pain is good. In order to appreciate the finer things in life, pain is necessary. It keeps us grounded and reminds us what is actually worth fighting for. And hell, you fight for it. Even if it is with your own self, if it is worth the fight, you fight.


Dinner, The Seven Habits and Carbonara;

Pesanan seorang ayah: All you can be doing is just piling up sand, but if you believe you're on your way to build a castle, you're going to have fun piling up sand -day after day after freaking day.

Perspective :)


Supper, Germany vs England (okay tengok! dah nampak bias disini) and Leftover Food at Wan's;

Okay belum lagi, but it is the perfect way to end the day.

Dancing in The Moonlight, Loves :) And as KD would end it, ssssssssplltt!

A Million Miles

and a million things to say. I just don't know how to say them. How to construct proper sentences ensuring that they would hold every inch of every feeling that lives in me.

Imagine the fuss in my head about time and space and what's right and what's wrong, it's like being in a small confined space and everyone wants to talk all at once.

Ridiculously so.

*

"Rest, for your eyes are weary, girl -- you have driven the worst away --
The ghost of the man that I might have been is gone from my heart to-day;
We'll live for life and the best it brings till our twilight shadows fall;
My heart grows brave, and the world, my girl, is a good world after all."

*

I think it's a full moon today, or maybe one of Cheshire's grins. I can't tell. It's a cloudy night.

It's this;

Be it one or two songs (or three, perhaps four),
the endless conversations over an almost impossible number of empty glasses
(considering the number of people, of course).

The presence. And every bloody teeny weeny moment in between.

I can't stop, whatever way that I've tried. I can't.

*

"So do not ask me what I am afraid of", she whispered.

*

Eyes do smile, heavenly so.
They can be sad too.
And reach incredible depths and unexpected places of the person looking into them,
whatever and whichever emotion.
Even...even those.


Turnaround (Bright Eyes)

*
"The light of passion in dreamy eyes, and a page of truth well read,
The glorious thrill in a heart grown cold of the spirit I thought was dead,
A song that goes to a comrade's heart, and a tear of pride let fall --
And my soul is strong! and the world to me is a grand world after all!"

After All - Henry Lawson

Assumptions (edited),

*
Specially for;

Shark? Haha Aina, you're funny hehe :)

But definitely, tak idle!

The Beatles kata, Let It Be. Betul? :)
♥

Here in Heaven,

Jarang mimpi.
Bukan macam ahli keluarga lain yang semakin selalu.

But i'll always remember the last time we met.
And i'll remember you walking away with a smile and a grin for every random stranger that crossed your path. :)

I miss you.
Even more so after the recent loss.
Al-Fatihah.

p/s: Pop, aku kena berhenti ikut teori Albert Einstein kau tahu? Besi tak besi. :)

Sama atau Serupa?

"Se-macam ukiran batu untuk mengisahkah sebuah kisah.
Cukup lengkap segala, dari perut dan pusat hingga ke jari yang lima.
Cuma hilang sikit sikit dihakis hujan dan masa.
Tapi masih tetap ada, walau ribu ribu tahun pun.
Walaupun." Antara Borobudur dan Malioboro.

Apa yang Over-rated dan Under-rated?

Ada garis yang membezakan Passion dan Moderation?
Kalau ada, bagaimana mahu kenal pasti?
Takut takut salah langkah dan langgar hukum hakam Dunia Akhirat.

Saya memang banyak kena belajar.

And that is why, Strength from all ends of every end is necessary.

Dan orang orang se-macam saya, perlu batu.
Bukan air batu.

Pssstt heyy semua orang cepat lah balik UTP! :D

Confessions (Haircut; The Aftermath)

Be warned: There are emotions everywhere in this.

*

I let Frederick cut my hair short today. He's been itching to cut my hair short ever since last year anyway. Funny, sitting on that chair for an hour allowed me to rearrange (properly) certain things.

*

The moment I reached home, I never expected the wash of emotions that came. I did not expect to discover 'breaking into pieces' -not again. Whether or not I am worthy of feeling this, I am feeling it nevertheless. It was never easy. All those times before you would think that it gets easier. It doesn't. This in fact, is actually the hardest of them all.

A million pieces, yes. But nothing compared to what she is going through.

We sat outside listening to the laughter and conversation going on inside. Enjoying the silence while whatever I just told her sink in. That was when she blurted out her story. At that point, I understood the extent of unconditional love. It's loving someone thoroughly and wholeheartedly. For whatever slips and whatever falls, whatever the mistake or flaw, it's loving the person despite it all.

I would wish all evil away. And leave us alone; leave you especially alone. But it is not within my powers to do so. If we do not know evil, we may never realize goodness even if it hits us in the face, no?

And evil, might not even have a face. It may not be a person. It may not even be Evil by definition. Some things just happen, people fall apart, fall together, fall, literally -everyday.

Forgive ourselves first. The rest comes later.

*

I barely talk to him. The person that binds us together is her, and the fact that they're in a relationship (which by contract means that her friends are his as well). I suppose he knows I love her to bits and the extent of understanding we share because for the second time in their relationship, he came asking for help in

the weirdest form yet (A post that I couldn't read? Comel and very guy-ish). Had I had known this months back, things would probably be somewhat different for the both of them (sikit lah, I don't think I would have played that big a role). But had it been different, a lot of realizations and lessons would have been missed.

I don't have answers to all questions. Not even mine. There are times that most things seem silly and unreal and if I could turn back time; you know as hell I would. But of course Life doesn't work that way. You don't get the reset button. Life smacks you with crap, puts in some twists and turns, takes it back and suddenly everything's sunshiny again. But alas! The cycle continues.

You take what you want. You can take the crap and dwell in it. Or learn from it. It's easy to savor sunshiny moments. It's a choice not to lash out at the world when it fades. I suppose the choice would be yours. However difficult. However insane it would seem.

*

However whichever story unravels, for me or for you or for her or for him or for them; we shall live, shall we not?

Whatever path, let's not fight time anymore.

*

This is the person that I am. Whatever that you see in this post, in between the lines, in the lines themselves or what you see in person; this is the person that I am.

I don't understand half measures. My heart has a say in most things, and most of the time I will sit down and listen to both or all of whichever part of me wants to whisper or shout. It may be considered unnecessary to some, too heavy or too hard to comprehend. It may seem as if I take life too seriously, or too passionately, or that I can't care less. Whatever the label for whatever this is. This is me.

*

The past few weeks (weeks? I swear they felt like months) has been hell. Of course, not just on my part. But on my behalf, I should and must apologize for shutting everyone out. I shouldn't have, but I did, and things were awkward for a long time with quite a number of very veryy important people.

If there were things said that I shouldn't have said, or paid no attention to you when you needed me, or did not see when you tried to reach out;

From the deepest of hearts, as deep as I can possibly go, I am very truly deeply sorry.

Dan sebab aku tak sempat tadi (dan mungkin tak sempat esok sampai kita jumpa sebulan dua lagi), aku minta maaf sangat. Aku tak ada niat untuk timbulkan apa apa yang kurang menarik. Tak ada niat untuk sorok kan apa apa yang penting.

*

Frederick passed me the first lock of hair that he snipped off (Sila bayangkan rambut yang dipotong itu panjang sejengkal. Happy? Sad? Calm?

Whatever it was, there are certain things you have to let go of.

Hair grows back anyway.

Pffft, life-changing? Hehhh :)

Do take care :)

p/s: Yes, saya memang suka wipe the slate clean (or at least cuba) before long travels - atau sebelum naik stage untuk perform.

Everyone Has Their Own Story To Tell,

Over teh o ais, or in a mosque during a wedding, THE LOOK (and time literally paused), the passing of tissues, the major tear ups, the Lya-Lin-Wan,

A keramaian at long last, the heart to heart by the drain, the cousins, the Family.

Going home, and knowing.

And knowing.

I know.

I Love You All.

Sneadzified With Nips In The Fridge

Wonderland (Unintended, of course)

If Alice were teeny tiny no bigger than my thumb and sitting next to Jude (the plant on my windowsill), I'd tell her I know exactly how she feels. It is not easy to be shrunk, scratched or stuffed in a teapot all in one day. Or in this part of the Universe, one hour forty eight minutes and thirty seven seconds to be exact. Every animal, card or person in the world can make way for an event - but if it is not your way or not the way you would have done it, than do it in whatever way you deem necessary. The Frabjous Day would come anyway, but whatever path taken is yours to decide. If I were to look closely at Jude (yes, the plant on my windowsill), I'd probably catch a glimpse of a blue caterpillar whose name is still hard to remember. That silly blue caterpillar who plays with words like 'Not hardly' and 'Almost' and 'Much more' and would greet you with a question, an important question, "Who are you?". The two Queens are dark and twisty haven't you noticed? But one chooses to be White while the other Red. And even then, even when the Red Queen keeps on wailing for heads to be off, her sister loves her all the same. Pity the Red Queen though, living her life surrounded by people with false big body parts. Being loved is a gift. Being loved by all the right people is a rare gift, but a gift nevertheless. Bayard and Bielle gets reunited and I felt tears welling at the corner of my eyes. I am homesick, yes. A million pieces apparently is a lot to carry and there is no time, not now to put them back together. Like a Champion about to slay the Jabberwocky, I suppose there has to be enough strength gathered to carry the Vorpal Sword (which by the way looks like it has warts down its blade) and fight. Fight hard. After all that is said and done, I would love to have tea with the Mad Hatter, March Hare and the Cheshire Cat. The Mad Hatter most especially. With neverending conversations over boiling tea that never seem to finish and broken glasses all over the table. Imagine the things we'd talk about! All the madness hiding the fact that indeed, the Hatter is wise. Or just plain mad? A comfort all the same, unlike any other -and just as well. Just as it is. Just as it should be but even those with healthy eyes could be blind. The Futterwacken is a famous dance, although it resembles the Chicken Dance somewhat. Come dance the Futterwacken with me, whatever the state. Would you? Alice's last goodbye hug? I felt it. Even if you did not. And I will feel it, even more this time. Even more. Oh! I would love to keep the Cheshire Cat in my pocket. The cat musn't worry, I have a pocket large enough to build a city. At the end of the day everyone lives happily ever after. We musn't lose Hope. Days will get brighter, the end worthy of living how ever different the paths. Life doesn't end just because the Jabberwocky is dead and the Red Queen realizes her lover was going to kill her. This is after all, Life in all its glory.

I wonder if the White Queen's spit plus three coins from a dead man's pocket would help me sleep at night? It would make me the right size though. Hm.

Fairfarren.

Lessons Part I

I am for the first time in weeks, calm.

Life cannot move in one straight line. There are ups and downs and this only works in our favor -to build Character if you may. Even if we do not see its significance for now.

The best way possible to deal with a mess, is to be (truly truly) honest. No hidden agendas! Put everything on the table and together (yes, together) find a way. If at the end the only way is not ideal in the eyes of others, if the decision is agreed and a consensus reached, it is as it is. Tapi yang penting, semua nya tenang tenang sahaja.

Yes. Yang penting, semua nya tenang dan baik baik sahaja.

I wish all of you well.

Time is Being Funny Again

Cerita jumpa masa Educamp, cerita rapat masa MAS, cerita lab SP special untuk kita, cerita tak faham database tu apa, cerita skandal, cerita Pangkor, cerita Wonderful Tonight (extended version), cerita Tun Teja, cerita group projects, cerita study group, cerita cinta, cerita muzik, cerita chutney, cerita bowling, cerita McD, cerita swimming, cerita tasik, cerita Patua, cerita ceriti, cerita hari ini.

Pejam celik pejam celik, dah 3 tahun.

 Patutlah Jo emo tengok video (hihi)

♥

m.i.a: kelele & jag (but never forgotten, of course) :)

Be Nimble Jack, Be Quick

Be it Cummings, Poe, Gibran or Rumi and the newly found (and a slap here and there) Sappho. Neither offers the comfort of words they used to.

None like the Christina Yangs I am blessed with. With a hard smack of good ol reality. Just to keep grounded, for these two weeks at least. At least.

And then home sweet home :) :) :) :) I am running out of threads.

I am running out of threads.

Upside Down, Right Side Up

It is a reminder,

That Life is beautiful -if we know where to look.

Whatever the Weather.

For whatever that it's worth.
For whatever worth that is ours.

Kin, ini untuk kita.
Moga moga.

Continuum

You should not judge a person entirely. Not until you've walked a mile in
their shoes.

Selagi belum, selagi tak pernah.

Di sini saya ingin memohon maaf. Saya ingin menarik balik segala bentuk dan segala macam Judgements yang dijatuhkan (sama ada sengaja atau tidak) sepanjang hidup 22 tahun ini.

Moga moga; Moga moga.

aslarids

"We are capable and worthy of the bumps and bruises. That is why it is part of our life's journey. No matter how hard, in the end we will pull through (that, my dearest Loves, is a fact).

It is not the end that is important. What is important is the journey. It is learning about our Hearts and our Minds and all the in betweens.

This too shall pass; accept and embrace the lessons.

Kata Charlie Chaplin: "Smile even though your Heart is breaking...You'll get by" ;)" -December 25th 09

(Shit) Kadang kadang saya lupa, maafkan saya.

Untuk kamu tujuh orang,
Selamat hari ini (walaupun post ini lambat sehari), dan hari hari seterusnya.
Semoga selamat disinari matahari dan dibayangi pelangi.
Semoga kamu orang (dan saya seorang) sentiasa berkasih dan bersayang.
Semoga semua karut dunia pergi jauh jauh - biar yang dekat, baik baik sahaja.

p/s: We're stronger than what we let ourselves believe. We're never alone. We just forget. I forgot. Thank you. I love you all.

Stars;

You would always, always, always have people who would catch you if you fall.
Who would not interfere with the lessons you have to learn,
but help dust off the dirt on your shirt and help you walk again, walk away.

I'll walk with you to what ever end life brings. We'll walk with you.

In a world that is constantly changing, this, THIS..

THIS is constantly constant.

Tidurlah

Susah bila nampak dan baca.

Kalau sejarah bersih, lain cerita.

It's a familiar Pain, this, yes.

**

Trigger dia boleh apa apa. Kali ni, trigger nyata. Macam mana?

**

On a lighter more cheery note,

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom *balingan ceria*

Eleeehhhh semua orang eleeehh hehe

A Note

Realizations that sank in too late.
Ahh, but who am I to define Time.
Chance(s), can be a choice (so it seems).

Dan benda yang pelik pelik tidak perlu diulas lebih lebih.

Hehhh :)

Look at the Sky on Your Left :)

Says E.E Cummings (an old comfort);

"(once like a spark)

if strangers meet
life begins-
not poor not rich
(only aware)
kind neither
nor cruel
(only complete)
i not not you
not possible;
only truthful
-truthfully, once
if strangers(who
deep our most are
selves)touch:
forever

(and so to dark)"

***

From then up until this very moment, that lucky number 6;

For the wishes and the love:

"and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)"

ee cummings

Opaque.

We live by too many rules. Too many 'If-Elses'. We restrict ourselves within ideas of what an ideal life should be, and sadly lose sight of what is really important.

I should be this, I should be that; They should be this, They should be that; If they are as such, then I should be as is, else we should just crash and burn.

Alahai.

Today I was reminded of life's simple pleasures. Of friendship (or family-ism) that has no expectations, no rules - just you and me and him and everything in between. Be it air or knees.

Tak perlu komplikasikan hidup. Terima seadanya. Sit back and cerita hantu atau mari harmony kan "alaaa~". Apa susah?

Life can be sunshine and butterflies. It can.

p/s: Saya sayang kamu semua, I do :)
p/p/s: I'm (almost) 22, and I cannot ask for more :)

What Have You Doneehh (versi satu)

(Oh, what have you doneehhh)

For being that friend who was with me when I hid behind my red hat,
And for all the conversations throughout the years,
With all the right words each and every time,
Always with a helpful hand and a listening ear, a heart;
For your brutal honesty I very much (secretly sometimes) appreciate,
For having faith and seeing things noone else saw,
For never playing a single lie.

And for many other things I'd rather tell you straight over drinks and good food, come rain or shine.

For being exactly who you are (because at the very least, I owe you this), thank you :)

E-mail from Unknowns (pun boleh macam macam)

"To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end,
Of a love or a season?"
Robert Frost

Namanya aftermath, namanya.
Lahai hehe :)

Hazwani Zainal;

Hazwani Zainal si pengasas nama Lincat.

Wan has forever been that source of strength (yes, badan je kecik tapi walauwei don't mess with this perempuan). She'll be tough on you when she needs to be (reality checks dari Wan alwaays alwaaays hit you someplace deep), and lovingly sweet the rest of the time.

It's been 16 years. 16! Kalau ada anak, dah form four dah tu. From The Unicorns (okay, ini permainan perempuan hush!), to boys, to friends, to sleepovers, and fights and the gelak golek (ni sumpah banyak gila) moments to the moments of realizations.

I don't know how others perceive her, I don't really care. But she's always been our (Yes, saya dan Lya) Wan. She'll always be our very own Patrick (or is it Spongebob?). Nyeeheehee

Alaaa. Saya rindu kamu dua hell loads :(

Jadi jadi jadi, Hazwani Zainal! Happy birthday Love :D Linlovesyou linlovesyou linlovesyoouu!

p/s: Lyaaaasayang, nanti you jumpa Wan (yang perempuan, bukan your Wan hehe), extra hugs please! And! Cepat sampai UTP cepaat! I mau buat you nangiss *evil grin*

Twiddles

Niat adalah untuk sejujur mungkin, se-transparent mungkin.

Nanti akan bagi hati,
Kalau nampak jiwa mahu ambil sekali -sila lah.

Dan....dan....

Saya ada kira kira dua hari setengah untuk kumpul tenaga.

Dan bergerak sotong atas pentas bersama kamu semua.
(Yang ini akan cuba sebaik mungkin tanpa sebarang pelarian beat haha)

*Twiddle fingers*

You people are amazing, tahu?

Tahu lah tahu sekarang dah tahu :)

Just Let Go, Just Be

"There comes a time in life when you have to let go;


Let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it,
and surround yourself with people who make you laugh;


With people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good.

Afterall, life is too short to be anything but happy"

-Karl Marx
Composer, Conductor, Educator

Lahaaaaaaiiiiii~ *gerak sotong*

♥ ♥ ♥