Keep in check please, segala jenis angin Jahat.

The scary one and the perpetually bitter one should never meet.

Imagine the chaos!

But if they do, maybe they could teach each other a thing or two.

7600th

Muscle memory
And chemistry
In all their verbosity
(And otherwise!)
Is extremely sexy.

A Lost Seafarer Has Returned Home Alive

There was a fortress.

I had a fortress.

Imma Letchu In On A Secret:

Perhaps what is left in order to find meaning
is to stop fighting (it).

Reporting Live from the Familiar

I was going through my Evernote and I just realized that it has been exactly a month since we talked about pieces of my scalp.

Didn't I tell you that this is how we've always moved?

There's so much to say (or not) now that we're standing at the edge of each other's circle.

"Come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in."

A Masjid Realization

Some of my biggest realizations has happened at the Masjid. As big as they were, some things didn't work out.

But! They lead to things that were extremely necessary.

I have information in my hands I dont know what to do with.

A Pie Realization

Lya and I still have these moments of realizations jenis excited-nak-nangis-balik-terus-blog. At the age of 26. With Hilwa. Hado non hado dek non oiii.

***

There are these doors and instead of hammering myself for decisions and rushing for a conclusion, all my heart is...is calm.

Okay Universe. I'm all eyes and ears.

Sambil Menganyam Ketupat Warna-Warni

"There are several kinds of love.

One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind.

The other is an outpouring of everything good in you - of kindness and consideration and respect - not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable.

The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release you in strength and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had." John Steinbeck

Gold #13 - Oh Let Me Count The Ways!

Some (small) things go without saying. He's known me long enough to know that
a) I would need a ride
b) I'd want a sweater
c) he KNOWS thus the usual dirty jokes

d) he sees micro movements and steps in and out when necessary

5 days til he gets married and I'm the one that's nervous, happy and scared shitless. 

It's hard to explain the dynamics of the group. Given our past we should be toxic. But we're not. Dah faham rentak, dah matang sikit (je) - so we make way.

Well then.

Universe - 11, raging hormones - 1.

Gold #12

You would think given the company i had with me and where we were at - my brain would go berserk.

Nope. Complete silence.

It's silent still.

Well now :)

Universe - 1, raging hormones - 0.

#eatpraylinch: Penang 2013

We started the journey weaving in and out of memory lane. Ipoh's famous nasi ganja and Funny Mountain's tau fu fah, Kuala Kangsar's laksa tepi sungai and some famous yummy pau somewhere between there and Penang.

Tugs and pangs in familiar spots, pulling heart strings left, right and center. It was a recipe for disaster had it not been for the perfect travel buddies. Them lovebirds and my inhaler buddy.

Of all the things that happened within those 3 days (between the food, the cycling, learning the importance of slowing down, the touristy things, the conversations, the food, the sunset chasing, thefoodthefoodthefood), this left quite a mark in my then crumbly self: how the lovebirds, my inhaler buddy and i got lost on our last night.

We walked through semi dark alleys, looking for the greatest roti pisang ever (konon tak jumpa pun ngahah) finding ourselves lost - them on their adventure & me in my head.

I loved how they let me hang back though, stole glances so they know i don't wander too far. How they let me take my time (trust me, the weeks leading up to Penang was one helluva roller coaster ride) and slowed down with me. I loved how there were random chickens everywhere criss-crossing our paths.

And i loved how those darned chickens (real actual chickens, not them lovebirds) led me to a mosque with a message on the gate.

Sometimes, the most important conversation is with your silly self.

That's why our little trip has remained significant. It amazes me (still) how we managed to find little unfamiliar spaces of tranquility and peace in an island with far too many cars (and far too many memories).

Oh! I also learned that if you have friends who stand by you when you've just vomited by the roadside, in public, under broad daylight (or in a salon but let's save that for another post) - keep em close.

And so began my first few teeny weeny steps.

Gravity, Stay The Hell Away kata John Mayer lah

If life has been such a competition and what is needed is validation, then fine.

You win.

I apparently can't stand schemers. Especially pretend ones.

Now, excuse me while I roll away.

Gold #11

I have a special place in my heart for my childhood friends.

And now more than ever, they're popping up so randomly constantly reminding me of who I was and why I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Singing in high pitch voices and all.

***

An old friend came to visit quite recently.

But instead of the usual "how are you just checking up on you", he came with an apology. For something that happened too many years ago.

Being such a Linch, I teared up (surprise, surprise).

Partly because I remembered what it was like watching the parang near his neck then to his stomach. Fearing- for the first time in my young and naive life, for someone else's.

Partly because I was proud of him. Of the man he is becoming.

Mostly because this is how it should be. Appreciation of the past to a point that all you feel is thankful that things turned out the way it did. Even the scary, crappy, painful bits.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

"And there's nothing to apologize for anymore. Everything is a fond memory."

Enaiminit!

Do. Be. Dubidubidu.

I know what it's like.

Do you?

You were there. You saw me. You know what I was like.

I'm like that now. I can't stop. What did you do?

I did everything you think you shouldn't do. I couldn't stop, so I didn't.

And?

And here I am anyway.

Bising versus Cengeng

Bising

I could probably go on and on and on about the words thrown carelessly about.

But putting things in perspective with a positive spin would be this:

It saves me from awkward questions and even more awkward explanations.


Cengeng

I could probably go on and on and on about the tears thrown carelessly about.

But putting things in perspective with a positive spin would be this:

It is (slowly) fixing things I thought could never be fixed.



Verdict

I am loving how silence and taking steps back is making me see a bigger picture.

And how i have my girls back.

And how everyone else who matter are making special appearances.

So whatever is happening, whatever this is - this wins.

"I'm sorry", he said. "I'm going to be quite different for a while."

It's hard watching someone else break into pieces.

Especially seeing your scars in their stories.

Tapi semua benda jadi ada hikmah.

Dan dalam cerita si jiwa lara dan yang hati entah ke mana - ada selit banyak jenis Doa.

Coupled with a sudden humbling realization that I too have a way out of Madness.

Look What You've Done

"Ada ke orang yang dah buat macam-macam benda kejam kat each other lepastu still boleh kawan balik?"

"Kita enam orang lah tu." 

Kita dua je excuse me. Mbahaha.

Human Resource Management

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Regards,
Heart.

What Ao Thalane Taught Me

I'd start with bombs and wish they were cotton balls with messages of kindness.

Then maybe knives and guns could read intentions and work only if they are of good nature.

Walls would swallow sounds of gunshots and fights and keep in nothing but love.

Doors should soften loud and harsh knocks.

Those with loud voices dripping with mean words will find themselves, only for those brief moments of anger - mute.

Ao Thalane emphasized the majesty of silence and all that can come with it -

Peace.

Reporting Live from the Unknown

Moving slow has always been foreign to folks like us.

So, move towards each other and crash.

Or away and not at all.

There's no way to tell from where you're standing.

Train of Thoughts of the Brown with Speckled Black

Sebab secara asasnya - secara jujurnya, senang.

Nampak je macam susah.

Tapi senang.

Tapi ada tapi.

**

I could've.

I would've.

I didn't.

And i wouldn't.

**

There is a deadline.

The nearer it gets the noisier my head is.

Which is why i am currently everywhere.

And nowhere at the same time.

**

Suddenly flying seems...

Well, just in case.

I love yous.

More than some of you will ever know.

**

That is how close you could have gotten.

Until you could see the speckled black.

But it is what it is.

And what will be, will be.

Dem Bros

They're such leakers.

Drip, drip, spill and lo behold the whole story.

Siap selit Doa!

Strange.

Mak Chek

"So macam mana? Bullshit? Takpe! Life goes on. Kuat macam ni."

Mek tasempat bukak mulut pun.

That's how my mak chek rocks.

And that is why there is no pressure.

Of any silly sort.

:)

Blanket

We were trying to trace our steps and count the years, but anything after 10 is just too long.

In between sarcasm, crazy ex-girlfriends and even crazier stalkers are flutters of thank yous - quiet but constant.

I was never really sure what would be of me if the 5 of us found ourselves in the same room.

I know now.

I will be fine.

(If ever, of course.)

Session #2: Starbucks & Everything Else

The silence could mean anything.

It could mean one of maybe two things:

1) The silence before the storm

2) The silence before great things

I've lost the ability to tell.

I haven't lost optimism yet though.

Oh! p/s: One must never confuse Optimism with Hope. Though they may seem like the same thing, one is necessary while the other is...complicated.

And all of this has nothing to do with the second session.

Train of thoughts, behave! Mbahaha.

Session #1: Lady of the Lake

Takeaways:

1. Start making actual lists - organize your chaos
2. Make deadlines for plans that require deadlines
3. Write
4. Track
5. Right track
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. :) thank you Universe. Time and time again.

Hai Obat Hai Obat (Mari Beli Obat)

They dragged me out of the house just as I was about to wonder why I let myself be treated like crap.

I was ready to waste whatever's left of my energy to it. Give in.  

They dragged me out of the house.

*

"Kitorang dah lama tunggu green light. All you had to do was tell us you were ready."

*

To answer questions hanging in the air, i don't know why i let myself slip.

With full knowledge in hand what the end result would be, i slip anyway. 

It's getting better though. Noone has to scrape me off the floor anymore.

*

Bersangka baik dengan Tuhan is first and foremost.

Re-discovering self-worth is next.

Thank goodness for reminders.

Draft #3; Psychology

(14th May 2010)

Lecture Slide 23, Challenges in Failure Handling;

• Masking/hiding
  - Some failures can be hidden or made less severe
  - Replication in space/time
  - May not work in worst cases, e.g all disks may have been corrupted.

• Tolerance
  - Sometimes not feasible to hide all failures

***

I wanted to become a psychologist but found myself studying IT instead.

I just realized I wasn't that far off.

Dear younger Linch,
Thank you for being such a hoarder.

Dua Tiga Kucing Berlari

There is a story of a boy who would fill his tub halfway and submerge himself completely. Not to drown himself he says, but it makes him feel safe.

Tafaham.

Until I find myself in the middle of dirty jokes and nights like these.

Disposables

All this talk about progress is all talk.
To actually move, something must be done.

I am tired of feeling small.
I am tired.

There is a stir this morning.
Something will change.

And how have you been? :)

What My Clumsy Thumbs Found:

"I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:
Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.

O I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:

You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help."

Shams-ud-Dīn Muhammad Hāfez-e Shīrāzī