paradoxically,
im loving what i thought i'll despise.
it serves like a mini timeout from everything else.
& now i dont really care about the ka-chings.not as much.
coz it's already fulfilling.
in soo many ways than 8376439823209.

but i might have to adapt to another change,
2 colleagues are leaving soon.
and they are the one that
shines above them all.

i think this is what they call,
attachment.
cum separation anxiety.

still,im not gonna say adieos to psychology world.
:)

"the grass is greener on the other side"

certainly,the grass IS green.
& it was refreshing.
but it wasn't greener on the other side. :)

muse on that!

i guess it's about time you call it quits.
pretending to move on."but in fact tat ive nt."(sic)
because im SICK of it.
last message that NEVER seems to be one.
omg,pls la!outgrow that loser identity pls.

just when you thought,no more loser story ayye?

if you didnt know,
i have already bid gdbye to soo many things.or are forced/coerced to.
the two wheelers DREAM/PASSION.weekdays afternoons @hm.
lazy time killing "hobbies".frantic gaming addict.
and of course,
every gdbye-s comes with another hello! :)
& i've come to realize i hate travelling now.
daymnnn!

i miss my P01.terribly.
and graduation day is wayyy to long lei.
hopefully the labour day weekend is happening. :D

it doesnt help that my wisdom tooth is aching biiig time!
and that now,my lymph node is swollen!
major pain in the arse!
and there's too many reasons i have to smile.
so now,say hello to the crooked smile.

"kau keje ape sehh.....?"(read:what you working as sia...?)
*ouch*
wtf was that supposed to mean?
excuse me,are you aware of what/who you're speaking of now?
oh well,still the same bitch i know in sch.no worries.
keep that title up!

21st was meaningful....errr...in an odd way.
but oh wells,totally not forgotten.
24th was mundane,
coz i didnt get to spend time with the bday woman.
hopefully belated celebrations in the new house soon! :))))

sg isnt really small,i think.
who could have known there is actually a bali resort kindda plc here.
trust me,explore the places in the circumference of sg,
you'll be stunned!
new honeymoon spot found!:)

quote unquote,shell i get to noe u?(sic)
dammit man.can your english get any worse?
wtf shell?seashell arh?

mee hokkien shall now be struck off the list.
credits to dearest beau! :)
and mak's place.
thank you very nice.
photos up...errr...soon i hope?

gossips travel @985648493879437948572536475394827532miles/hour.
phew!
it's no wonder!

"eh,i miss you ah.i miss you soo much eversince you're not with ________"
amazing how much girlfriends of bfs connect nowadays.
well i certainly wish you're not involved in the whole
"i get to know this girl from his gf" agenda.
just like it was the first time.
but then it doesnt matter now,does it?
cz you have proven the world how much of a jerk u certainly are.

i am hoping soo much i could sneak in
the gym sessions during my lunchbreak.
yes im that determined now.
*muahahaha*
hopefully not one of my 2mins enthusiasm. :P

that reminds me of something,
i might need to alter my suit AGAIN.

if only i can find the time.

25th april.
1 year & 5months.
:(

soo many issues are rushing it's way out,
i hope i'd have a goodnight sleep after this.
i needed this.
soo much.

these forbidden feelings,
are getting the best of me.
but why didnt i put an end to it?
why did i allow it to happen in the first place?
why did i bother?
why am i crossing the line drawn?

you'll never know why.
even if i have the answers,
it will just be seen as excuses.
so why bother.

"your partner will ALWAYS be more,
not less,vulnerable to your attitudes & behaviour
than anyone else"
. BEAR THAT IN MIND .

you need not support my burning passion,
just perhaps respect.
and be proud that i've finally overcome the phobia.
phobia of riding a bike,
especially passing by certain places,
seeing certain bikes.
it aint easy,but i tried as i might.
you need not know about all that,i thought
coz itz just a self thing.

one of the many things i despise of myself,
is to have to repeat & nag about something.
and you're the last person i'd nag to.
coz i know you're adult enough.
i trust you to listen,
i trust that you'd value my thoughts
as much as i do to yours.

if you find my only way of expressing bothering,
you could have told me earlier.
so it wont cause sucha nuisance to your journey home.
i promise.
but you didnt.
im not hoping that you'd thank me for opening up,
despite the anger,
but at least,be thankful,
that im still makin little efforts.
here and there.

right about now,
im feeling inadequate.
all thanks to you.
how could i still miss you soo much tonight?

i gotta be kidding me.

tomorrow's the day.
21st april.
i dont know how long am i
gonna suppress all these emotions.
refrain the tears from rolling down.
coz it has been
coalesced into a mess now.

there's nothing much i could do for you,
than these prayers for you & your family.
for all of us.
i cant even afford to read & reminsce,
coz no matter what i do,
you're not coming back.
even an ocean of tears wont.
i know,coz i've tried.

i just wanna let you know,
for that short period you were part of my life,
you thought me soo many precious lessons.
and eventhough you've departed,close to 2 years now,
you're are still doing so.
in soo many ways.

eventhough time may find me somebody new,
not the girl you used to know,
i hope you could see that,
i cant help but to miss you & everything that we had/have.
and im still standing strong,
betta than the girl you knew back then.
thank you for havin faith in me.

hopefully,things will slowly get betta later.
either @work,or at least the stakeout part 2.
*evil laughs*

you see,my precious babygirl is now a VERY talented girl hokayyy..
she keeps on gettin betta with her 1st dance. :)


just let her listen to ANY beats,
for sure,she's gonna shake her ass like that y'all!



AND!she can crawl already!:)



and she can spin lyk a top spinning(aka gasing)
*wheee*



this part,the best one!
at such young age,she have preferences already!
you see how she react with diff drinks.
this time,we tried ice peach tea & longan red date drink.



OMFG,you see now?
the reason why she ALWAYS brightened up my life??

it is to my amusement how people arent quite careful with their actions.
did it slip their mind that the world,in this issue,sg is damn right too small.
and that everybody's kindda associated with everybody?
gawd!it is soo exciting anticipating the next sequence!
and i really thought it has already ended.

who would have thought?
an ex's sister's scandal is actually the guy who tried to flirt wimme.
& best part?he's my closest buddy's hubby's bike team.
cool ayye?
:D

it's a damn right friggin small world afterall....

pretty baffling to try to understand,
why someone would cross the line,
when everybody else are dying to be in the same position.
i wish i could fathom all that.
and i hope,im praying,
i wont hafta go through any form of catastrophe,
to learn.

5days left.
i hope im stronger this year.

i hope you're reading this,
even if you dont.
you'll somehow figure it out.
you dont hafta be sarcastic.at all.
it doesnt matter whatever that you're saying.
it's an informed choice.MY CHOICE.

i dont need you to support me in this.
i dont.
just shut the fuck up if you've got nothing better to say.
i choose my own employer.

call yourself a friend.
shame on you!

if this is what scoring real well made you,
THANK GOD im average!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

since itz 5plus in the am & i cant sleep,
here's some of them overdue picas! :)

"cigarettes are just part of my life,
you are my life..."

awww...
*meltz*
dang!itz unbelievable how much of a sweetbug you can be,
and how you could get away with anything with just that!

*tsk tsk*
there's always a kid in all of us.
but i think there's more in my bf!
:)

as we bid farewell to the historical environment,
from waaay back when you had your 1st official flat,
to when the whole marriage was at stake,
to fighting for the kid,
to coming back together again for the betta,
to celebrating the arrival of that lil bundle of joy,
to that numerous tries at getting another one,
to several birthday parties/celebrations,
from 2b to 2a,to 3 and 2 new cars,
and everything else in between,
i hope and pray the new environment will be much of a betta place
for every single one of you.

:))

i couldnt be happier/prouder of you guys.
thank you.
i love you.each & everyone of you.

in our desperate attempt to imitate the babygirl.
and yes,the public's guesses of where she got it from
have been substantiated. :)

she had absolutely no idea how much she meant to me.
absolutely none.

for when she was petrified of the minnie,
you see,minnie's like soo much bigger than her.
the only thing she dares to touch was minnie's nosey.

sexxay ayee?

the cute little pumpkin butt
& make-up-less,domesticated me.

the then-single dude.
minutes before he officially end his bachelor life.
he's my cousin's son btw.

while he was reciting the "akad" at 4983874623095876km/hr.
im tellin u,for sure,he have been practising it!
nervous okehhh...

:D
& you will never guess her age!im sure.

tho this pic wasnt beautifully taken,
(whattt!babygirl was in my other hand)
i like this the most!
the suit,colours,everyone & everything.
just gorgeous!
the reason for the suit:the groom's dad's wish.
he has ALWAYS been the one who is
oh-so-proud-im-a-javanese.

and shrugs,
mom's been hinting on me.
that i SHOULD have those similar kind.
but more to the more ancient kind.
think along the lines of these.....
but obviously,more accessorize.
like eww...?
if photoshoot for the montage,PERHAPS.
but no,ABSOLUTELY NOT the reception.

liposuction,here i come~~~~!!!!!

& shit,the groom must have presentable abs & nt so hairy pls.
looking @hw it is,the latter dont really match.
nope.not a gd idea.

my precious babygirl was there too!
and at the sight of me,she refuses other's offer to carry her.
(which she normally dont mind)
not even when i passed her to mom,
within seconds,
she make that sad-puppy-im-gonna-cry-anytime-now look,
& i swear,nobody could EVER ignore that.

she was literally stickin to me.
NO,am not complaining! :)
it was just soo adorable!
that i had to be there by the side of whoever carrying her,
comforting her,repeatedly telling her im not gonna leave her,
im always gonna be with her & there's nothing 2b afraid of.

it's amazing how she make time flies @9386r54578498623409834234987km/min
& it just felt like only 3mins with her.

i was scouting for a duet partner & i had to beg him.yes,BEG.
but it was such a futile try. :(
so yeah,i think,in an attempt to make me feel betta,
he promised to sing for MY wedding. :)

but wait a min,it's prolly gonna take about 4-5 years from now,
and his cute,im-not-done-with-puberty voice might just vanish.
*shrugs*

eh,tell your hormones to chill ah can?

cute ryt?
my electrifying precious one.
aint no one else i could need but you. :)

i cant help but to secretly cynically smile.
im telling you,it aint that easy to shut my mouth from saying,
"OMFG,my hari raya suit is gonna be
at least 10X more WOW than your evening dress!"

shit,im so good at being bad bitchaayyy.

she was soo amused when i introduced her to fishyfishy!
:D
she didnt stop grinning & tapping the tank.

more photos available @the side.

ps:be wary of who you flirt with @work,
coz she might just be
your wifey's younger sister's husband's cousin.

*coughs*r/h/e/m/aworkers*coughs*

i've always looked forward to every weddings,and all that sorts.
ESPECIALLY solemnization ceremonies.
particularly,the "akad".

im always excited about it.ALWAYS.
the anxious groom,the nervous bride
and the story behind every smiles.
the works behind every little moves.

with every passing of that sacred ceremonies,
definitely leave me musing,excessively.
without a doubt.

the boyfriend & girlfriend terms prior to the ceremony,
suddenly morph into "husband & wife".
as exhilarating as it may sound,
it can get pretty frightful too.

being the last in the family,
and the only girl,it's kindda spine-chilling.
being the last child & only girl whom is so-called educated,
from the "eldest" & most respectful in the family,
the "honour" comes with an unspoken god-dammit high expectations.
in soo many ways than one.

and im telling you,im ABSOLUTELY not proud of it.

ok,back to where i want to blog about.
marriage.
i can be soo agog about it.
the wedding,the sharing of lives,
through thick and thin,
through health & sickness,
and you name it,everything.

at the same time,
im petrified of it.
perhaps the determination of making things work
is causing much of the pressure/self-expectations.

but im totally not ready,
of soo much of my expectations not met.
of my family.
of the in-laws.
of the husband.
and most importantly,myself.

one thing about me is that,i expect retaliation.
when i do something about a particular stuffs,
i expect the same.from whoever,no matter who you are.
i have that "if i can do it,why cant you?" attitude.
and again,not something that i can boast about.

i get disappointed pretty much
when people dont do the way I DEEM is apt.
selfish ayye....?

im not ready,
coming home from a hard day at work,
to people who nags at me about stuffs,
worse still,
caustic remarks thrown across,
even when im just asking about their day.

im not ready,
to take the blame,
and have someone vent their pent-up anger at me,
when im just saying/asking.
without any minuscule intention of sarcasm,
always on 24-7 defensive mode.

im not ready,
cleaning up the mess every time,
you perpetually cause it.

im not ready,
to be your overwork PA,
being on standby mode every minute,
always at your beck & call,
in every little things.

im not ready,
putting much effort in our mundane outings/plans,
putting aside a couple of my to-be-done list on hold,
just to have you make sucha narcissistic remark.

im not ready,
to have my beliefs second on the queue,
just so i could respect yours,
because i have to.

im not ready,
to get all frantic that you're gonna be there
in my most significant moments,
and there you are telling me you cant be around,
due to some unforseen reasons,
REASONS after REASONS...
only to find out you're doing something else,later.

im not ready,
to ALWAYS BE THE ONE initiating the talks
the once-in-awhile heart-to-heart dialogues,
the always important necessary discussions.
ALWAYS THE ONE.

im not ready,
to have you degrading,belittling,labeling everything,
especially us,you & me,
when we have that rare talks,
even in our daily routines.
coz i need you to be strong,
so that i know,i could unquestionably depend on you.

im not ready,
to always hear something shot back at me,
even when i could barely complete my sentence.
coz you think im merely bringing you down.
consciously.
deliberately.
coz you're only interested to say what you wanna,
without givin a flyin fcuk of what im about to say.

im not ready.
for double standards living.

im not ready.
to be left at the back seat,with something uncalled for ahead of me,
im definitely not asking to be your first,
but at least,before your egocentric wishes,thoughts.
PLEASE.

im not ready.
to have to point out issues,
only to have you reason out with me again,
convinced,thus,letting the issue slip,
just so to avoid such petty fights.
even if im not convinced,
i had to be,just to avoid those mindless fights.

im simply just not ready for all that.

i know,it just have got to be more to life.
marriage in this context.
i know there's alot of "happy" things that comes with it.
i know,im convinced.
but right now,
im way too unprepared for things.









































there's no rhyme or reasons for this angsty,negative post,
really,
just excuse me.

if you have yet to catch it,
WTF are you waiting for?

the only bad thing about this movie to me was it that,
it lack the action stuffs.soo much!
i just think the lovey dovey part could just be replaced with
alot more drifting and races!

ZOMG!
prolly the first movie in 2009 that i actually enjoyed! :)

i TOTALLY forgot that the MP's version of DFTL will be aired today,
and im soo dying to watch it!
have been reminding myself CONSTANTLY about it.
best part?
and im gonna catch F&F4 with dearest beau at the same time.

tell me again,
how am i supposed to be at 2 places at the same time?

and that just alerted me,
i have a training which i've never attended since day 1.
GREAT!

am i totally disorganized
or am i just not prioritizing well enough?
*shrugs*

i hope F&F4 wont disappoint me tmr,
but then again,F&F has NEVER broken my heart before.
so yeah,im damn right confident.
sides,dearest beau have taken the initiative
to ask for the queen's permission
to take the princess out to the overnight ball.
*te-hee-heee*

sweet or whatt??

7th was great,
apart from ironing things out
and sorting all that was in a mess,we had sorta celebrations.
mom cooked ahellot & we bought durians for the three of us! :)
durians for celebrations,my style.
that marks 2days straight dinner @home with beau. :)
not only we had an initial occasion to "celebrate",
i have 2 other events that was worth a festive. :)

first,im officially not jobless. :)
["employed" cannot be used in this context,YET]
location: top top secret!
yes,im starting on my career path REAL soon.
and hopefully....errr...savings for the future bayybehh!!
and i mean,future studies,wedding?nt so very soon.
omg nervous & excited-mited mills gils okehh..

second,dearest beau is on his way to cigarette-free life. :)
you see,he hafta start now before it's too late.
and he prolly got sick and tired of my silent/indirect naggin.
sides,he really need to start saving. *wink wink*
*muahaha*
and this time round,
i have been granted with all the authority to be superbly stern.

so yeah,it can get pretty tough at times.
a man without his daily dose of nicotine
can get prrreeeeeetttttyyyyy anal,you see.
im crossing my fingers! :)
and bby,i know you can do it!
we'll get thru this together okayy,fret no more!

if you dont already know,
i have a navel piercing.
but that's not the issue here,
thing is,i took it out already.
prolly one of the most contemplative period in my life.
i remembered how euphoric i was when i got it.
but sometimes,you just gotta move on.

eh,sounds familiar ehhh?

i've decided,im not gonna change my url,
well,unless the situation goes out of control,
despite knowing you're still stalking,
i aint gonna bother.
i mean,who are you in my life again?

NO ONE/NOTHING?

anws...
im hoping soo much there's nothing hindering on the 21st,
coz i DEFINITELY made plans! :)
and im praying soo much that im strong enough.
you see,21st april. :(
insyaallah.

24th's another issue.
given the situation im in now,
i dont think it's quite possible.
so yeahh....we'll see about it.
prolly a belated one.

hopefully sat's gonna be an enriching experince.
and nothing will go wrong.
if there is,something that we could learn from.
hopefully,my dearest beau can make it! :)
prolly gonna be the next nerve-wrecking moments for him.
but im sure,he's gonna be a-okayy!

ok,i really think i should be snoring my way off,
poly trip with dearest beau later.
his withdrawal symptoms is overbearing.
:(



























you remind me of pain,
but i cant ignore you.

In Loving Memory...

N/o/r/a/n/i K/a/s/s/i/m
1950-2009
2nd victim of the food poisoning outbreak.

for 5days,she fought for her life.
a tough struggle.
despite her heart failing for couple of times,
everyone was hopeful just last night as she appeared okay.
indeed,ALLAH loves you more.

she departed slightly before 10am,
in A/l/e/x/a/n/d/r/a H/o/s/p/i/t/a/l.

I've always remembered you as
the loudest & friendliest one,cheeky one,
welcoming one and the loving one in the family.
the warmest one.
like you're amiably known as M/a/k M/o/k among us.

I will definitely miss your presence in those once in awhile family gatherings/occasions.

you'll be greatly missed.
my heartfelt deepest condolences to the family of the deceased.
may ALLAH grant the mourning family strength to move on,
and to accept this news.insyaallah.
GOD BLESS...

alfatehah.

if you're wondering,
my mom is FINALLY discharged.
what a relief!
no more traveling to & fro hospital & home!

but that only means,
more nagging!
oh wells.....

chilled with dearest sister over @her cribz
& mummies ladies-day-out in town yst.
just the two of us! :D
initial plan was just merely boring I/K/E/A outing.
since it's been donkey dragon years since she last went there,
so we ventured.

from bitching,window-shopping,
being a food/fashion critics,ranting,
trying our luck if we could chance upon people,
brownies & s/a/k/u/r/a moments,
t/h/i/s f/a/s/h/i/o/n random funny talks,
d/a/t/i/n r/a/f/i/d/a/h spotting,
m/r/t moments,smiles,laughters and more laughters.
and what's an outing without story-telling sessions! :)

i could barely remember the last time
i had soo much fun in town with someone of the same sex!
*jumps around frantically*

sadly again,no picas to justify that. :(
but what matters most is the memories created!

so dearest beau was the one accompanying me
almost everyday in the hospital.
so most of the extended/close family have seen him,
and instead of running away from the crowd
(just like what i've imagined he'd do)
he stayed on and mingled. :)
how can i not be proud of him?

and it wasnt that tough getting everyone to warm up,
i am soo glad that EVERYONE's pleased.
and the welcoming aura from my brother
was waaaaaay unexpected.
i swear!i've never imagined that would happen.

despite dearest beau already making his way home,
my brother insisted that he should join us for dinner.
as a whole family.yep,you read it right! :)
INSISTED.family.
alhamdullilah.

and yeah,eversince that,
they've been asking about him whenever he's not around.
wah lao ehh...
you stole my limelight liao.

some picas from the getaway from the hospital with dearest beau. :)
after shoppin for our dearest buddy's pwezzie!

the super spicy and not nice mee that i had to gulp down. :(

total waste of food since the food we got was yucky.BOTH!

ahuh!that's a red rose.
one of the random surprises. :D
he lied that he needed the toilet soo urgently.
only when im in the toilet doin my biz,
he went all the way to the florist to get the rose.

and there i was waiting for him outside the toilet,
wondering since when my bf uses the toilet friggin long ehh...

so yeah....
thank you honeybunch!

and the best part of my life is.....

THIS PRECIOUS BABYGIRL! :)))))
and yes,still with her donald duck/tweety birdy pout!
omgosh!cute nak mampos can?

was prolly one of her countless amusing moments
when i brought her over to c/h/e/e/r/s.
the reaction she made when she had to choose
tween this p/o/c/k/y and the other dip-in p/o/c/k/y.

PRICELESS i tell you.

it was just like as though she was in deep dilemma.
but then again,
obviously she'll choose her all-time favourite!

woohooo!sexxaaayyy or whattt...
cleavage in the making detected!
:))

fatt,jealous much?

a very long-due photo.
sunflower! :)
prettayye ayye?

without a doubt,he was hesitant to carry it.
DUH!!
so i had to pretend that was my sunflower.
*heee*

and yes,my another best part of my life.....

awwww....cuteness galore isnt it?
these two adorable girls just simply made my day,any day!

needless to say,
the cutie lil prince charming is growing up soo fast!
he's responding to everything we adults say!
and watching the tv like real only hokayyy...

omg!lil boy,
dont grow up soo fast leii..
i wanna have morreeeee cam-whoring moments with you.
:)
ok fine,i know you very shy.
but...PLEAAASEEEEE.....?

oh,no?oh wellsss...
*shrugs*