i have always thought that
hitting on a friend's date/partner/ex
is an absolute improper thing to do.
i honestly think it reflects on your character.

i never knew it could happen.
again,i never did learn the all so cliche-d saying,
never judge a book by its cover.
and again,i had to learn the harder way.

feeling degraded would probably be more apt,
if anything else at all.
but what shocked me the most was all that was said.
"it's okay,what happens tonight,*** doesn't need to know,
nobody has to know.."

it is still haunting to the extent that i could still remember it,
word for word.
WOW.
thank god dear boy isn't close to you
and he knows that you,quote unquote,"hits on everyone"
REALLY?

it was the first time i saw his shocked/angry expression,
so perhaps it kindda left a deep impact on me.
but im glad we've built that level of trust despite still being mint.
the moments after i explained/rant,
was prolly one of the most significant things about that night.
where you held me close,
with heartfelt words.
*swoon*
and after party convo,
*even more swoon*

July's MDF was pretty okay i supposed.
thank god i won the passes.if it was a paid event, i wouldnt bother.
so yeah,chilling out with the same whacky gentlemen with babe around was perfect i'd say.
well,minus the fact that i was about to cry my heart out while queing.

the card games,
the 5/10 games where dear boy decided to sabo me,
the gay moments.
a new boundary tested btw.
but at least i didn't end up upside down,
or missing anything.

i'd say,
whatever happenned,
was a chain of various tests,
vice versa.

we have only reached Friday
and it has been mean!
I could only imagine it to be more wicked
THROUGH THE WEEKEND!!!

a friend once said to me,
"nak rosak,rosak all the way ah babe..."







you can show me your ego,
your hard-headedness.
fuck I can show mine too!

somebody turned a quarter century old today.
and i think the surprise went pretty well.
it could have been so much betta if we still went on with the b/i/n/t/a/n trip.
but,the quick pop quiz on guessing the location was impromptu.
but dear boy apparently wasn't smart/melayu enough to guess one of the qns. :P




the look on his face for the 2nd and 3rd round....
hahaha...oh!but the more legen-wait for it-dary one,
the minute he open the "bigger" present!
*muahahah*


msia vs sg after the dinner was bleargh.
since we couldnt get a place in HV and the live transmission on iphone was laggy! :(
but what's most important is that,sg won!!! :D


hard core partying after that was even better!!!
he was put through a test but i guess,he did okay. :)

after all these while,
you still have the upperhand.
worst still?
you can cut me down to size in two seconds flat.
two. seconds. flat.

i wish i could simply articulate the war within.
i quit wishing you would understand,
coz i figured,if you want to,
you would already done that in the first place.

today was merely insane.
at which,too much info to comprehend.
barely 2hours of sleep.
crazy day at work.
mom match-making me.
your deafening silence.
and your lack of will for the battle.

if one day i choose to leave,
don't beg me for time.
coz your desire to fight is non-existent.
don't tell me we're gonna be alright,
when you chose to leave it to fate.

it's foolish to know the exact location where the exit is,
but still loiter around the building while the fire is tearing the whole place apart.
when you clearly know the repercussions could be horrendous.
you never did wanna learn isn't it?

i'm hoping against hope that one day you'll see it.
how much i'm desperate.
the extent i would go for us.
like i've posted in fb,
this can go on for only so long.

having faith is one thing,
being plain stupid is a different issue altogether.
who am i kidding?
who am i tryna convince actually?
myself?
hah.

i have always LOVE how determined i can be,
once i set something in mind.
like how i would try and try on the pyramid cards
despite the negative vibes from everywhere.
but at this point of time,
it screws me up badly.
and i can't stop.

i just had a patient by the name of the late f/a/i/z/a/l

and we share the same father's name.

i can't believe my heart still aches just writing that name down,

and my fingers still tremble.

it's been soo long,

i should be fine.

i am fine.

i hope.

missing you hunz.

REST IN PEACE.

this time,2days ago.
my hands were trembling.
so badly i haven't seen that for a very long time,
unless of course when im sick.
i had my words stuck in my throat.
we almost lost it.

i'm glad we had that talk.
coz i learned,your ego isn't as huge as mine.
and i know for sure,
im not intimidated by things anymore.

despite being in the moment of heat,
you still apologize.
instead of gettin pissed mad at me,
you asked me to cool myself off and decide later,
once i'm settled.

"dont think much abt what happen k... we will be fine.. i promised.."

well,if it wasn't for that night,
i think today's street soccer tournament wouldn't happen.
and the introduction was err....kindda odd.(in his words,"kekok")
like "ikan kekek" ayye??

well at least the clan was friendly. :)
if it wasn't for work,
i would be having a good bday dinner with them
& karaoke-ing the night away now.

DANGG!
















insyaallah.

i have never seek perfection in anyone.
that goes to say i am quite surprised you had that in mind all these while.
and i wonder where or what gives that away.

like i said,we've given up each other before.
this time isn't surprising.
honestly,
i was just waiting for the time.
coz i know this is bound to happen.

all those mean things you said,
i could forgo that,but can you?
all those incessant reiteration,
you still don't know me?
but most importantly,
all those times where i begged you with all that i've got,
can you reciprocate it?

NO
and that's a definite one.

dont tell me you know me well,
if i still have to regurgitate every single word said.

you shoo-ed me off your life,
just like i was just a piece of thrash.
well perhaps,that's what i have been all these while.
it's not a wonder why you called me all that.

i am lost for words.
i am just lost for any thoughts,
any emotions
to actually feel for all that had happened
during the weekend.

but i guess,
thank you?
for playing it well this time again.
you did great!

the world has lost an extraordinary talent today.
you have been my inspiration.

always have. always be. always will.

Rest In Peace Amy.

you'll be missed.

Maybe you didn't really need my loving
Not the way I needed yours
I was only try to keep it open
How you gonna slam the door
Led me to believe we were together
You were on a different plan
Just when things were changing for the better
You became a different man
If I was you
I would have never left you in the cold
In the first place, oh baby
And If I was you
I'd be really trying to make it
You turned down a one way
Oh babe, said you let me down
Said you let me, let me, let me, let me, let me down
Yeah, you let me, let me down
Yeah you let me, let me, let me, let me, let me down
Said you let me, let me down
Let me down

A real man wouldn't have done it like that

Must Drink Friday,
here I come!!!!!!!!!!!
:)))

Strangers, again

this made me tear,bright early in the morning.
worst,at work.
it hurts,more than expected.
i wish i knew what i should do.
i wish you would understand.

but more desperately,
i wish you would hold me tight,
tell me it's gonna be fine,
we're gonna be alright.

Haunted - Rihanna

The steps on the stairs
Aren't really there
Feel like there's someone watching me
Shadows on the wall
Whispers down the hall
When I look theres nothing to see
You say that you let her go
Turn the page and closed the door
Can't get inside your head
Cuz' when I try, she's there instead

I can't compete with a memory
How can I fight with someone that I can't see?
Theres two of us but it feels like three
I wish her ghost would just let us be
Boy your everything I ever wanted
But I got to let you go cuz' this love is...
Haunted
Haunted

You say that she's gone
That you've moved on
so why do I feel her hassle me
Invisible chains keep us in pain
Won't you please tell her set you free?
Sometimes when you look past me
Your eyes see someone I can't see
So I've given up this war
cause' I can't fight it anymore

I can't compete with a memory
How can I fight with someone that I can't see?
Theres two of us but it feels like three
I wish her ghost would just let us be
Boy your everything I ever wanted
But I got to let you go cuz' this love is...
Haunted
Haunted

Wish I could cast a spell to make her spirit leave
The walls close and then its so damn hard to breath

There is nothing I could do about it...

I can't compete with a memory
How can I fight with someone that I can't see?
Theres two of us but it feels like three
I wish her ghost would just let us be
Boy your everything I ever wanted
But I got to let you go cuz' this love is...
Haunted
Haunted...

Haunted
Haunted

I don't want to fight anymore
Someone is walking out that door...

Haunted
Haunted...

You have no idea how much it meant to me now that you're making efforts. (;

"B/e/a/u/t/y K/i/n/g/s" with babe was waay waaay awesome.

but the dinner was legen-wait for it-dary!!!

well,especially the "crotch part.. :D

HP pt II was geeewwwdddd.
with important people in my life.

err....minus one ah. :)

things turned out better than expected.

(((:

we spoke,we discussed and all 's geewd!

"so now i gotta prove myself..."

totally took me by surprise with the second move.

heee! :D

and oh,the almost full moon makes it all perfect.

Here's a newsflash BITCH:

you are in love with what could have been.
(all thanks to you feeding good but much rather minute memories in that thought-processor of yours)

there should be a reason behind these emptiness i'm feeling.
despite engaging in continous conversations,
despite being in crowds,
i just feel alone.
like it's just me,myself and I.

i'm just soo close to taking a flight/ferry/coach
to somewhere where NOBODY knows.
just for a short crazy getaway.
alone.
just so damn close.

maybe one day,
i need to do this for myself.










this must be the PMS getting the best of me,
but I just wanna rant.
no friends,nobody bothers,
so here i am,in blogger.com
i'm lonely like that. :'(

oh you know what?
i miss you.fuck.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
and it's just fucking the sanity out of my whole being.

we may not have the answers
i know that we can change some of the things

that are beyond our control
and the vision of us may be blurry
but choose your heart to see
just follow the beat,

the rhythm will lead you right back to me…

it all started from a comparatively tensed convo,
and i needed something to loosen up,
thus the very decision to be hanging out in H/V.

being partially on the roll,
i merely ignore all the sweet nothings said,
all the gestures made publicly,
despite having colleagues who happen to be chillaxing there too.

it doesn't take a genius to guess what exactly cousin was talking to him about,
and that goes to show that i was still at the right state of mind.
i'd say i was much annoyed with that very conversation,
but glad it happened. :)

so after moving off to M/B/S,
and all that had happened with another bottle of rum,
another heart-to-heart conversation took place,
this time,dear boy pulled me off from the crowd.

i never knew that side of you existed until that night,
i have never imagined all that could happen,
and definitely,i am elated.


very much euphoric.


so now,cousin and i have the same memorable date,
finally right?


nothing could express the emotions i felt,
as you come close and hugged me tight,
"i'm sorry for putting you through all that."
"be mine,this time we'll do it together..."
in that voice,brimming with overflowing emotions.

and i know,
you really are putting in your efforts,
as much as you can,whenever you can.

Hey! I don't know much about guns but I...

I've been shot by you.

there's more than a handful of major life-turning issues that i am not quite sure of.

but you were/are not one of them.

i know exactly what i want.

i may have raked things up more than you like, i may have hurt you, unintentionally,sadly but not proud of it,or otherwise. i may have said mean things about everything and anything at all. i may have been such a sensitive wuss that i get affected by the littlest things you said,be it jokes or not. it may seemed like i've made a bad decision of leaving things just because we're on the rough patch but if we're talking about bickering EVERY SINGLE DAY. it speaks volume.

call it whatever you prefer,it's your choice of words that is coming out from your mouth anyway. i never believed in explaining myself to people time and again just to prove to them my point. just so i could gain the credits that i think i deserve. i know deep down,i was trying to salvage the situation,our friendship was one of which that i kept in mind and a little too close in my heart. but i guess, you never will understand since you're too headstrong on your perception of things.

everything is too precious to let go,beyond words could explain,even beyond what i could comprehend myself. so i am not expecting you to understand.the hopes and dreams i built,the mental picture of the future where you are the most part of it.where we barely fight or even fret about nothing but just perhaps the marital woes,the norms.fact is,i have to deal with that every single waking moment.you didn't expect that did you?yeah,you won't believe that either.

why do you think i wanted to make it work even after everything's messed up?why do you think i chose to forgo the very fact that you toy around with my dignity and despite that,instill trust in you once more?why do you think i even bother trying to convince my mom you've changed?why do you think i put myself in such risk all over again rather than trying to make it work with somebody else?WHY DO YOU EVEN THINK I CHOSE TO DROP THE FUCKING CASE???

yes,i have figured it out now.not many can forgive unconditionally after damage done. i wasn't hoping either,but it just came to me as a shock.a major shock at that.especially from you.manifoldly.

let's just face it.i have my own set of flaws.so do you.like i have always told you,i am not here to prove that you are wrong and i am the right & only wiser one around.we are both trying to adapt to each other,trying to figure each other out.trying to be defensive with each other serves no purpose.none at all.i am not about to bring you down.

why do i have to shoulder every blame you pushed to me?because i left,that's why you do this,i wasn't around that's why you do that.how long more?till the end of time?it's tiring,just draining out every single ounce of energy left in me when i have to deal with fights after a shitty day at work.it's way too perplexing when suddenly the sanctuary i used to run to to seek solace suddenly morph into a total opposite.

don't tell me you love me and want this to work so badly,but barely make an effort.i have never expected you to figure me out like everybody else have to.i tell it straight to your face how i am and what i expect.i lay it down for you one by one.i don't know how else to make it easy for you.i don't know how else i could make you understand i don't wanna be down that road i've been through once.i don't.

i have said so much.too much to be exact.we are mature adults.

we can do better than this.so much better.

but i guess,i should really stop harboring hopes.

i should stop expecting.

life works in a funny way.

we love each other too much to let go,but we are fighting every single day.

even when we are not actually together.

how do you actually gain joy from that?

i wish i was much much much stronger than this.

perhaps,we should just move on?

you reckon?

i wish i could fathom at least this bit of my life.

nevermind the rest.just this one.

you tell me you love me,

and you're doin nothing about it.

SOUNDS CONVINCING.

the.world.is.fuckin.small.

f/i/r's cousin whom i went to JB with previously,
just came by to collect meds for his accused.
haha.

if it wasnt for him who recalled the whole thing,
i would be mindfuckin myself the whole fucking night.
:D

LOL.

this is the first.REALLY.
going to work inebriated.

FUCK RIGHT???
im so fucking screwed i tell you.
beyond words.

seems absolutefuckinly legit.

:D