Almost 7 years...

It's been almost 7 years since you were here on this earth with me... I've met so many little babies that have gone to heaven to be with you and every one is ingrained in my mind. On Sunday, I got to meet little Finndley and be with his family while they said goodbye... I ended up knowing his family and it touched me so much more than normal. I'm always honoured but knowing another person I know personally had joined this "club" really hit home and I cried for you and for their little boy...

I feel you watching over me and I know you have been taking good care of Finndley in Heaven since he left his Mama and Daddy and know you will be the best of friends. I imagine the day that I will go to Heaven to see you and get to meet all your friends in person that I met for a short time here on Earth with their families. I pray that they all get to go to Heaven to see you greet them with their lost loved angel baby... That is what I hold onto most of all... That one day I will hold you in my arms again and there will be no more tears or sorrow because you will be with me for eternity.

I love you, baby boy, now and forever.

I'm still here... just no time to blog in a long time... I've started a new blog about everything going on in my life and I'm hoping to keep that more updated... so please feel free to follow me there: http://lareina.ca (ETA: still going but not blogging there much either...)


I love you, little man. Your little brother is getting so big and reminds me so much of you. Everyday that he grows I see you in his eyes and know you are here watching over us and taking care of him. I love you baby... so much... I never forget... Hugs and kisses.

Love,

I still miss you...

Oh Baby... I still miss you so much... My heart just breaks to not have you near... to know that your big sister and little brother will never have you in their lives... I see Declan and I see so much of you... You would've looked so alike... I never ever ever forget you, my sweet little man... I wish I could hold you and snuggle you and do all the things we should've done... I guess I'll just owe you a lifetime of snuggles in heaven... I love you always and forever, Kaelen...

All my love and kisses,

Why 100 year family reunions suck...

-Explaining to a bunch of family when they ask how many kids you have that there are 3 and when they ask where the 3rd is that one precious baby is dead sucks. And since it sucks you avoid talking to people so you don't have to explain... And you spend the whole weekend standing alone talking to yourself instead.

-Every time your daughter isn't in your sight, freaking out and thinking she's drowned in the slough out back and having to search high and low over and over again by yourself cause no one else wonders where she is because they're not as neurotic as her mother.

-Forgetting your antidepressants at home and not being able to take them for 3 days and crying all the way home for the baby that should have been toddling around the reunion this year.

-Not seeing your dead baby's name listed as one of the grandchildren on your Dad's family story.

-Wondering why I out of all the people there was the horribly unlucky one to lose their baby and everyone else got to keep theirs.

-Feeling alone in a crowd full of people...

Yup, all in all, it sucked. I miss my baby.

A Busy Mom Remembering...

I knew when our rainbow baby arrived, there wouldn't be as much time to grieve... I knew it would heal me a bit and help me not feel so lost without you. I still feel lost though when I think of you and like someone once said, it doesn't getting better, you just learn how to live with the pain better...

Both your brother and sister are asleep in the back of the car right now and I'm listening to your music as I always do when I can fight your big sister for the music (aka she's sleeping). I heard Brad Paisley's song "No" and I just think back to waking up that morning at 4am and knowing you were gone and praying to God, begging and pleading that I wasn't right...sitting in that dark bathroom crying my eyes out... The long walk over to the hospital all alone, pleading for my fears to be unjustified...

I see all these other families with their kids and wonder why you and I were chosen to only be a part of each other for 9 months and then apart for the rest of my life. "Why me?" is always running through my mind... I just don't understand and don't think I ever will.

I still ache to hold you just one more time, to memorize your face just once more, to kiss you more than the few times I really did... I'll always regret not kissing you more... I should have but I didn't.

You are always in my thoughts even if I only get time to cry alone in my car... I can't wait for the day I hold you in heaven... Then my arms will truly be full... I love you baby boy...my forever baby. Hugs and kisses from your mama.

Love Always,
Mommy

For Reid's Mommy...

Two little boys
Sit watching their Mommy's cry
Wishing they could be there
Drying our tears.

Two little boys
Who might never have been friends
But for their families pain
And sorrow.

Two little boys
Celebrate
One's silent entrance
Into this world.

Two little boys
Who are eating cake
And catching balloons
Full of love.

Two little boys
Waiting for the day
That their Mommy's are there
To hold them
On their special day,
The day they went to live with the Angels,
Their Angelversary.

When I See You Again...

Love,

Sitting here without you...

16 months without you in my arms and it still hurts like it was yesterday... I've just learned to live with the pain... I look at your little brother in his swing beside me sleeping and I wonder if he really looks as much like you as I think or if I just imagine it because I want it to be you...

I know my sweet little Declan probably wouldn't be here if you were but I still long for you... I would take both of you happily and the sweet insanity a 3 year old, a 14 month old and a newborn would bring. I can't turn back the clock and get you out in time to save you... I wish I could... I wish I never had to experience that feeling of dread when you know your baby has stopped moving and something is wrong...

I ache to hold you on nights like this... I ache to see your little first steps that will never be taken and hear your sweet first words that will never be spoken... at least not here on earth...

I keep myself busy to keep myself from being sad... but you're never gone... only hiding where others can't see you... I can though... always... in every single snowflake that falls, in every sparkle of your big sister and little brother's eyes, in every soft wind through the trees, I see you...

I look forward to the day I meet you in heaven, give you a great big hug and kiss and can see if you really do look like your little brother... I miss you so much little man... More than words could ever say... Sending all my love with my hugs and kisses to heaven, little one...

So much love,

Check out Kaelen's Rainbow for more of our ongoing "saga"... I'll be posting here and there from time to time...

Love you baby boy... Please take care of little Maddie... Her Mommy and Daddy miss her so much. Kisses and hugs. You are always in my thoughts.

All my love,

Our Rainbow is here...

I've been MIA on here for the past 5 weeks... and it's not because I've forgotten... no definitely not... I just didn't know what to post... I've been battling mixed feelings since Declan was born (safe and healthy, thank God). I love him to bits and am so happy he's here but still feel sad and lost because I don't have my Kaelen.

The first Wednesday after Declan arrived, my husband had gone to work, and I was home alone thinking and I posted on facebook that I didn't know I could be blissfully happy and sad at the same time... and that about sums it up. I love Declan to bits and am soooooo relieved that he arrived safe and sound but he looks sooooo much like Kaelen that it's hard to reconcile my grief with my joy...

Anyway, he's here and happy and healthy and growing like a weed and we are doing good... I'll post more later when I can... when my brain isn't as befuddled... I'll leave you with a beautiful picture of my little guy.

I love you baby boy... my sweet Kaelen... I still think of you every day and wish you were all here with me instead of in Heaven... Sending you all my hugs and kisses baby...

Love you always,