Waiting

Tom Petty had it right. Waiting really is the hardest part. Waiting for tests, then waiting for results. Wait wait wait. I want to be this relaxed, easy going person who can just be okay with the waiting. But let's face it, I am a worrier. It's part of my make up. Why my mom, who is going in for the tests, and will be the recipient of the results shows no fear and worry is beyond me. Neither of my parents seem to be worriers, so how did I spring from their loins?

Worrying isn't going to solve anything, so for now, I'll sit tight. And wait.

Turbulence

I'm really okay with flying. I get anxious before the flight, because I am nervous about missing the flight. But once I'm past security, I have no problem. Take offs, Landings, mid-air, a few bumps, it really doesn't get to me.

But - and you saw that but coming - on the way home from New Zealand, on the flight from Aukland to LAX, there was some severe turbulence. It seemed to last a really long time. It was one of the few times I've ever actually felt nervous. (The first time being on a flight that was half way to Hawaii, and had to turn around due to an electrical fire - but you could smell the burning. Eek!)

I felt so nervous in fact, that I had a feeling that the plane was going to crash into the Pacific. So I thought about it. And I thought, "That's okay. I just had the best vacation of my life. I spent two weeks with the love of my life, and we had an amazing time. I'm okay. This has been a good life. It was short, but it was well-lived. That's okay. I can die now."

Dramatic, eh? But it was eye-opening for me. I didn't feel regret about things I haven't done yet. I didn't regret my crappy job. I just focused on Alan, and on how happy I've been, and how I'm a pretty lucky gal.

And that's enough, isn't it?

Thinking of Ray

I recently returned from a trip to New Zealand. It's a beautiful country and I highly recommend it as a vacation destination!

Before leaving, I posted something on Ray's wall, as I will always think of him when I take a huge vacation. We were always talking about the places in the world we wanted to travel to.

I wrote on Ray's wall that I should come to NZ with me.

On the 4th day of the trip, we did a tour of a cave, and part of that tour involved walking on a bridge above a waterfall. And I was suddenly struck with immense sadness. I was glad to be in the dark as tears flowed down my face. As we walked along I grabbed Alan's hand and said, "I hate waterfalls. They're stupid." Of course that isn't true. And really, how can a waterfall be stupid? Well, they don't have brains, so I suppose that it could be true. But they also took the life of my friend. And so I am allowed to be irrational about them.

The next day, I was washing my face at the hotel sink, and what did I see? Ray's last name. And from then on, everywhere I went, every place we stayed, there was Ray. Reminding me to lighten up. To have fun. To enjoy life.

Who knew that I all I needed to pack was the kitchen (or bathroom) sink?

Thanks Ray.

Oh, and waterfalls are stupid.

Change and Resolutions

I almost blew one of my New Year resolutions. I plan to blog more ... yes, perhaps even once a month. So before I wave good-bye to January, here's a post.

What I want from this year - A year of getting what I want. I want to identify people who are true friends and hold them tight. Then I want to let go of the others without feeling guilt. Not to worry, if you actually read my blog, you are a true friend.

Make work work for me. If I'm not learning and growing then I need to move away from that. Find a mentor. Someone who will nurture my career and help guide me on a path of success.

Less time on Facebook, more time writing and blogging. Make writing an unmovable part of my agenda.

Get back to being creative. Work on an art / craft project one weekend per month.

Overall, get back to what I enjoy, and had forgotten that I was good at.

Health Goals: Nutrition, move away from genetically modified/engineered foods. Weight goals - I successfully dropped the Holiday weight, but put it back on on vacation. So, the new goals are - 130 by 4/7. 125 by 7/30. Also, signed up for a Half Ironman. So, that means get better at swimming and biking!

Sleeper Waves

People are resilient. We really are. We bounce back. I have to believe this. It seems to have become my mantra as of late.

My aunt once said that grief is like a sleeper wave. You can walk along the beach day after day and the water will be calm. Then one day, in one short moment – WHAM – out of nowhere a huge wave crashes down on you. That has always rang true for me.

I have gone for weeks without getting emotional about Ray. But today, today I was hit by a sleeper wave. Today is Ray's birthday. Or was. And I'm pissed off about it. This is not how it's supposed to be. People aren't supposed to go over a dinky waterfall on an inner tube and get their foot caught. That's not the way it's supposed to happen. They aren't meant to struggle at the end. And their close friend isn't supposed to watch it happen either. When Ram struggled to free Ray from the rock he did everything he possibly could. The water was too deep, the current was too strong. And Ray wasn't giving up either. He fought so much that those trying to save him couldn't even put their mouth on his to give him air.

I've heard that drowning is peaceful, once you accept and let go. I hope that's true. I hope that once Ray stopped struggling, he had a moment of peace. I hope he had a calming thought. Maybe he thought, “I'll get to see my mom and brother now.” I know that's too romantic. I know that when I've had near death experiences, I wasn't thinking anything profound. When I was hit by a car, my life didn't flash before my eyes. What went through my head as a huge van barreled down on me in my tiny car was, “What is she doing? What the hell is she doing?” My thoughts were more incredulous. I couldn't understand why the driver was leaving her lane and coming straight at me.

When I was about 7 years old my family visited our cousins in upstate New York. They had a huge apple orchard and an in ground pool. We were used to swimming in shallow creeks, so my older brother and I spent every moment in that lovely blue, clean, pool that we could. Our fingers were waterlogged after hours and hours in the water. I remember being disappointed that we had to leave the pool to eat dinner. My brother was out before I was and I was taking my sweet time, not wanting to get out, hoping no one would notice. I inched towards the middle of the pool, where a slant downward led to the deep side. My foot slipped, and I slid down to where I couldn't touch bottom. I was so tired after swimming for hours that I had no energy to move. Instead, I just sank and let my mouth and nose fill with chlorinated water. I didn't struggle. I just let go. I felt lethargic and warm and ready to go. It wasn't until my brother yanked me out and I was surrounded by grown-ups pounding my chest that I got scared and started to cry.

I realize this is a disjointed post. I guess I'm just trying to work some things out here. We all want our deaths to be something peaceful. We don't want to suffer, or for those we love to suffer. But maybe there's some middle ground,. Maybe at the end, yes, Ray did suffer and struggle, and had incredulous thoughts. But then I hope he let go. I hope he felt lethargic and warm when his older brother reached his arms around him and pulled him to a better place.

As for me, I'm sure there are other sleeper waves out there. I've been hit by them before, and I know they will crash down on me again, when I least expect it. But I'm resilient. I'll bounce back. I always do.

A broken heart

I don't know how to say what I want to say. I am heart broken. I feel like it will never heal again. How odd, that I find solace in a post from my friend Ray's blog. He has already said a lot of what I was searching to find words for. I will blatantly plagiarize, and I will not apologize when I do so.

The following is a post from my friend Ray's blog:

January 03, 2008

25 days and counting...

Twenty-five days since I actually felt my heart break, my world stop and my life change forever.

Jeffrey you will be forever loved and missed.

Twenty-five days ago on December 9, 2007 I learned my brother had died in a tragic house fire. News of which, or something of the sort I hoped I would never have to hear.

I don't think I will ever forget the level or range of emotions that I felt after receiving, but not answering, two phone calls in a row from my sister Abigayle in Tennessee. Something is wrong my whole body told me after I felt the vibration of my phone telling me that I had a message waiting for me. A message that I doubt will ever leave my memories.

In a matter of a few words of a phone call that will forever seem impossible to me, I was changed.

My poor sister. The utter and complete sound of despair and anguish that I can not in any sort of way attempt to describe to you with the words at my disposal how much she was hurting. Hurting, how completely pathetic and inadequate that word seems at this point in time. Dieing, yes, she was dieing. And she and the only brother I will ever have were two-thousand miles away and I was helpless. On my knees and helpless.

Thank you Mike and Karen. Thank you for picking me up and for being my friend.

Oh the thoughts, the horrible horrible thoughts and the images that ran through my head of what just could not be true. How could this have happened? NO. NO. NO. Please let there be a way for this not to be true.

My Dad. My poor Dad. Oh God how do I tell him what an unfair tragedy has been handed, no, not handed, forced upon this family. What do I say? How do I even get a hold of him? I can still feel the sickness in my stomach of having to tell my father that his son, his first born son, his life line, his Jeffrey, was gone.

Twenty-five days have passed since that Sunday afternoon. A day that started like any other and ended like no other.

Twenty-five days have passed. Christmas and New Years have come and gone and the truths are still true.

Twenty-five days have passed. I am back at work, my sister is back at school, my Father is back in Iraq and my brother is back at long last with his Mother, Linda, and Grandmother, Emily, and I miss them all with every beat of my broken heart.

Twenty-five days have passed and thanks to the unquestionable love, devotion and help from all of our family and friends we will find a way, hand in hand, to take that next small step towards day twenty-six.

Twenty-five days and counting. I love you Jeffrey.

Messages about Ray

15:13] miriamhome: I am afraid if he gets all preachy I'm going to punch him.
[15:13] him: that might be a good thing :)
[15:13] miriamhome: and yeah, I get it ... I am angry and projecting. ;-)
[15:13] him: i hate to do the cheezy thing
[15:13] him: but what would ray do?
[15:14] miriamhome: *sigh*
[15:14] him: that made me teary
[15:14] miriamhome: he'd punch him in the face for me.
[15:14] miriamhome: ha ha
[15:14] him: LOL
[15:14] him: and break his hand
[15:14] miriamhome: did I make you stop crying?
[15:14] him: no you made it worse
[15:14] him: cuz i was trying to hold back the tears
[15:15] him: and laughing makes your eyes squinch up and the tears pop out
[15:15] him: but it made me feel better
[15:15] him: and that's what counts

Messages with Ray

raymondrfowler: can we all open a B&B in Southern France?
miriamhome: no, let's open a cooking school in Tuscany
raymondrfowler: or that
miriamhome: we don't want to be forced to make breakfast for people every day
raymondrfowler: lol
miriamhome: I think I'm going to go home now.
miriamhome: have a nice night. and thank you for listening.
raymondrfowler: ok, you too. and anytime Yum Yum