Shhhhhhhh

I've been pretty quiet for a while.

Okay, so I confess, I haven't been here for a while.

Like a year and a half.

Truth be told, I most of the time forget about the fact that I even have a blog. I'll forever be grateful for a blog that vividly captured what was going on in my head for a very poignant moment of my life, but ultimately I think I've found different ways to channel my thoughts; one of which is talking to my good wife.

You see, we don't always agree or see eye to eye, but she's always good to vent to or to just let me try and get my feelings organized. In fact, I've talked to her about this topic many a time, so don't get any idea that I'm going here because I can't go to her. Sometimes it just means something to put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard in this case.

This has actually been on my mind basically since I wrote my last blog post in March of 2016. I've started and abandoned this post several times trying to figure out the right way to organize my thoughts. I confess I've been much more careful about how I approach posting socially in the past couple of years. Why? Well, that's kind of why I'm writing this in the first place.

Before I get into that, yes I get that me speaking up on not speaking makes no sense. Just bear with me.

First, we live in a pretty polarized world right now. The now late Elder Robert D. Hales frequently alluded to the views of the world and the views of the church being farther and farther apart, and I think we see that reflected in world views as well. Seldom if ever is there a consensus or even anything remotely resembling a compromise. One with an opinion can look pretty much anywhere they want to have their opinion validated, so they never have to feel the often sour feeling of being wrong. Maybe people get really defensive because someone is suggesting they're wrong, and they feel like they only way they can be right is if everyone tells them they're right. This gets even worse because just posting your thoughts on a matter seems to demand conflict, as if people feel it's their moral duty to let you know there are people in the world that don't agree with your opinion. Honestly, I feel like some people feel like if they haven't posted or responded to a post, they aren't fulfilling their mission as ministers of social media.

That sort of attitude actually seems to exist everywhere, not just on posts that people disagree with. Why does everyone seem to feel like they have to chime in on every single thing that happens? There was an election? Better let people know where I stand on the issues. People disagree on an issue? Better tell everyone my side. There was a natural disaster or a tragedy? #Pray4[insert tragedy here]. I don't mean to be cynical, but I've noticed this sort of thing getting a lot of mockery lately. This seems to be a positive thing, so why would everyone give people crap for it?

This to me goes all the way back to the Charlie Hebdo attack in Paris a couple of years ago. Facebook decided to create a way to let people show their solidarity by putting a translucent french flag over their profile picture. It started fairly small, but then it grew and grew until it seems like most people did it more from FOMO than from solidarity. Then there were flags for Belgium, then for the US, then filters for Orlando, then Houston, then Puerto Rico, then Vegas, the list goes on and on and on and on. It seems like instead of people trying to think about how they can help, they rush to social media to let everyone know they are praying. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of prayer. But are people actually really praying? And aren't we taught that prayer must be coupled with action?

I didn't make this little meme here, but it kind of sums up how I feel about this whole thing. Why are we going to Facebook or Twitter instead of actually doing something to help? Are we scared people won't believe that we actually care if we don't get that flag on our profile? Are we scared people will think that we don't care if we don't get that flag on our profile? If we don't #pray4city, are we heartless jerks? If you ask me, when we jump in on the hashtag or the profile picture update just so we can join the trend, all we're really saying is...

"Don't forget about me today" 

WHAT THE HECK ALEX??
DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THESE POOR PEOPLE AFFECTED BY THESE HORRIBLE TRAGEDIES????

As a matter of fact, I do. In fact, I'm a very opinionated person if you haven't noticed. I do have two cents on what happened in Vegas, on what the government needs to do to help Puerto Rico, on how sad the Houston flooding is, on Kony 2012, on gun control, on vaccines, on Black Lives Matter, etc. But guess what? No one gets on the internet to learn anymore.

Sorry, let me repeat that.

No one gets on the internet to learn anymore.

When was the last time you got on Facebook or Twitter to learn facts? Did the first article you came across on an issue establish your opinion? Did the second one change your mind? Did you double check the facts to make sure it isn't fake news? Did you read up to understand the issue you don't agree with? Or did you already have an opinion? Did you gravitate to those who agreed with your opinion? Did you get in a spat with someone that disagreed with you? Or did you walk away angry because everyone is just stupid and you're the only one who gets it?

No one gets on the internet to learn anymore.

In addition to all of this, what value does my opinion even have? I'm a middle class white American male. In the current climate, my opinion is either progressive, or it's ignorant and bigoted. I don't even really feel like I have a say in what goes on because unless my opinion is that of sympathy and progress, I need to check my privilege, go back to my suburban home where I know nothing about crime and oppression. I'm not saying these things aren't real, but I clearly don't have a valid opinion on the matter no matter what I say because I don't get what it's like in the real world. My position in the Utah bubble makes it so I'm blind to social issues, so why bother?

Okay, I'm starting to get away from myself. My big point here is that we have fostered a horribly polarized environment. Either you get on board or you're a jerk. It gets even worse when you sit things out, because then you're a coward who doesn't stand up for what is right. There seems to be absolutely no way out. Either you're a conformist, a bigot, or a coward.

So what's the solution here?

My suggestion is to just be quiet. I don't know why this suddenly became so frowned upon. When did we suddenly decide that you must speak up on every issue right when it happens instead of just letting the dust settle a little bit? In music, silence is used to "distinguish other periods of sound and allow dynamics, melodies, and rhythms to have greater impact."  In debate, silence can be a tactic that, when well executed, can throw one's opponent off and give the debater the upper hand. In religion, silence is often utilized to seek guidance and focus in on the spiritual. Silence is a powerful, powerful tool that is not revered and reverenced as it once was. Is it any wonder why we honor victims and tragedy with a moment of silence? We do it to shut life down for a moment and give respect through our doing nothing. We do nothing but stand. There are no noises or distractions, simply a moment to think.

Maybe that's how silence benefits us most. It affords us time to think instead of act. In a trigger-happy world where we feel the incessant need to be first to the debate table, it would do us all well to stop, think, revise, then act. One of the things that bothered me the most about what happened in Vegas was how fast people were to use the victims of this tragedy as an example for a political agenda. As a friend of mine said, their bodies hadn't even cooled down before they were put on the examiner's table for gun control and terrorism, leaving people no time to just mourn the fact that people were senselessly killed. One prominent woman was even fired from her very high up job for saying she didn't even sympathize with these people because they were probably Republican and pro-gun, essentially saying they got what they deserved. Even just yesterday several members of congress protested a moment of silence held by the House of Representatives because it was a 'grisly ritual.'

What good have come from just being silent for a moment? For the fired woman, it would have meant saving her job. For those protesters in Congress, it could have afforded a moment to realize the importance of working together and putting differences aside for the common good. There's a reason we say silence is golden. Gold is oft considered the most valuable metal, and has been the symbol of wealth for centuries. If we consider gold among the most precious of metals, then where should we rank the ability to be silent in our list of virtues? What good comes from the Lord taking a moment of silence before answering our prayers? For me it's meant gaining my own insight and a stronger perspective so I can make an educated decision instead of just being told what to do. When Christ rebuked the waves, he said, "Peace, be still." Maybe taking that moment to be silent and just think would help us get the answers and perspectives so that we can also have peace. In fact, the peace that only God can provide.

"Silence is not the absence of something, but the presence of everything."

-John Grossman 

AMS

Perfect

Sadly, I actually do this...

I've discovered recently (okay, not really, more just been willing to acknowledge) that I over think things....like everything. I wouldn't say that I assume the worst in life, more that I examine the worst along with the best situations. This has oftentimes led me to make false assumptions or draw bad conclusions. So I wouldn't consider myself a pessimist or even really a realist...more like an everythingist if that's a term.

So, here I am trying to organize my thoughts into something meaningful, and it's proving to be tougher than expected. I look back at some of my old posts and think to myself 'hey, those weren't half bad sometimes.' I don't know it can be so hard to do something I actually really like, I just find myself wanting to one-up myself and constantly be writing better and better posts. What I fail to realize when I do that is that I'm sometimes trying to force quality writing when sometimes life doesn't offer high quality material to work with. One thing I know for sure, I am a perfectionist.

I don't really know why I cross examine every detail of everything, but I do it anyway. I keep tabs on what I do and say, I watch my humor and am careful about what I say and always try and toe the line of how far I can push a joke before it's too inappropriate or annoying. I am like hyper sensitive about how I act around different people, and I read way too far into things. That may be why I'm so good at helping other people not read into things, yet I can't seem to help myself out.

They say we're our worst critic, and I totally believe that's true. I am a people pleaser. While I'm not totally willing to change everything about me just to make everyone like me, I definitely don't like it when people don't like me. When people expect me to make something for them, whether it be a video, a picture or whatever, I always end up taking forever on it because I'm constantly noticing things I can change to make it better. Even when the person it's intended for is okay with it, I'm still not. I just want things to be...perfect.

It's hard for a perfectionist to look around him and see perfection. I look around and see someone that just nailed their hair day, or their clothes just fit them perfectly, or a fellow cameraman just got the golden replay shot, etc. The only problem with that is that I'm only seeing their perfect moments, forgetting that they have scores of imperfect moments that I don't see.

You know what? I just realized I did not explain myself and why I'm talking about this.

Sorry about that.

I guess there's a lot of reasons, but at the same time not any one particular reason. If I could pinpoint one thing I would say it was the mission. Going out there and having 2 years to focus on the things of the soul really opened up my eyes to how much is truly required of us. When I think of the fact that Christ lived a perfect life, especially in the light of all that that entails, my mind is a little bit blown when I realize how many times a day I screw up. I believe in humanity, and I believe that most people do not wake up in the morning thinking about how many times they can ruin or mess up their day. If they're anything like me, they want their day to go without a hitch (yes, I looked that up to make sure the saying was right...). They, like me, wake up thinking that today is going to be a great day. However, as the day wears on, it's harder and harder to believe in that perfect day when it's cold outside, your shoes got wet from the rain, you were running a little late to class so it made you sweaty, you do the awkward high five/fist bump thing passing a friend on campus, the list goes on and on. Add that to the moments when you say something trying to be funny but instead hurt someone's feelings, or you get upset about something you know you shouldn't be upset about, or you're incredibly annoyed because someone won't stop clearing their throat. 

I know, it's a lot to take in.

Anyway, as the day wears on and I have those natural and instinctive reactions, I get frustrated with myself thinking that I shouldn't do that or say that or think that or act like that or feel that way. I just want to be the best person I can be, and when I feel like I fall short of that, I get frustrated.

Christ commands us to be "perfect, even as your father which is in Heaven is perfect." (Matt. 5:48) So obviously there's no room for falling short right?

Right?

Well, hold on a second, doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose of the Atonement? I mean, we're sent here as imperfect people, and we're given an entire lifetime and beyond to work on that commandment. Obviously we're going to screw up, and that's why the Atonement is there. Brad Wilcox put it this way 

There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness. When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected”.

So how exactly do we continue in patience until we are perfected? The same way we eat an elephant: one bite at a time. 

If we just work at this whole perfection thing a little at a time, eventually we'll get there. We have eternity for crying out loud! God doesn't expect us to just wake up perfect, He knows it takes time and a lot of tripping up to finally get it all together, and He is good and patient to wait until we get there. He doesn't really worry about where we're at, more like where we're headed. If He knows we're taking tiny baby steps, but in the right direction, it's good enough for Him. I think Lorenzo Snow came up with the right formula:

"Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today." 

AMS

New Year, New Life

Okay, let's try this again.

Okay, it's a new year and we have a chance to start over again. I have a lot, I mean a LOT, to catch us up on.

I don't know why I suck so badly, and so frequently, at writing here. To be honest, I really really like it. I really like being able to dump all of my thoughts and feelings here while showing pictures to accompany it. It's really the perfect journal for me. I love looking back at my freshman year of college and seeing everything that went on. It brings back a lot of precious memories that I probably would have forgotten had I not written in my blog. Well, it's 2015 now and I can be a new man if I want to.

It's weird to think that the last time I wrote about the new year was 2012, three years ago now. My how time flies. Speaking of time flying, this year flew by! I can't believe it's been 7 months now since I wrote here...man I suck sometimes. #newyearnewme So to give you a brief rundown on the last 7 months of my life, let me give you a quick synopsis.

June: I met this girl named Courtney Record and she became the first official post-mission girlfriend. I met her through a mission friend and we hit it off pretty well. She lives in Taylorsville (an hour away from my house) so that was kind of tough, but we managed to make it work. She was a really sweet girl that I really had a great time with, I'll explain later what happened. I worked a lot. It pretty much took up my entire summer which was fine; I really didn't have a ton to do anyway. Jake and I hung out a lot with occasional cameo appearances from Ethan and Wes. Wes introduced a new friend to us named Austin, and he was a pretty cool kid. He liked Minecraft and other things we like so we hit it off pretty well. I started working at the Provo Temple as an ordinance worker (meaning, I helped out everywhere you can help out in the temple). That was a really great experience. Whitney turned 23 and Benji turned 17 (yikes). I also met this girl named Jennifer working devotional. More on her later.

July: Worst. Month. Ever. We went to Wyoming for the biannual family reunion, but it was only me, Jarom, Mom and Dad. Whitney came later, and Benjamin had to work (lucky duck got the house to himself for half a week). I got put in Jared's attic where they were having a moth infestation. Jarom was fighting a sinus infection or something so he would just cough and snore while I was up for hours each night catching and killing moths. Well, that eventually caught up to me and I was sick as a dog by the end of the week. We drove home with Whitney in the cramped backseat which turned out to be literally the worst car ride of my life. I cannot express to you how much of me wanted to die. I had already taken a week of work off, but now I had to take another off to get better. I had pretty much all of the mono symptoms without actually having mono. I went to the doctor's twice over the month to figure out what was wrong, but they couldn't figure it out. so freaking annoying. I was pretty weak and susceptible to disease and germs all month and I suffered greatly. The illness lasted about the entire month and included the sinus infection that Jarom had along with the worst sore throat ever. I continued working shoots for BYUtv like SportsNation (my favorite) and Studio C. I worked that night as the animal wrangler and helped that Jennifer girl with her catering since she was in charge of catering the meals for the cast.

August: Pretty much the same as June. Todd and Kelton came home from their missions, and we got some quality bro time in. Things quickly fell apart with Courtney as we realized that the distance just wouldn't work once I didn't have a car. Things ended on good terms, but they definitely ended. I moved out (FINALLY) to my new apartment with Jake and school started. Our roommates were being dumb and didn't want to move rooms so Jake and I could be roommates, it was a mess that Jake never got over. One night I decided to just man up and see if Jenn wanted to hang out and we watched a movie at her apartment. A couple of weeks later we went and got shakes with Jake and her roommate Nat. We just got along so well and had a ton of fun together.

September: School was in full force and was stressful. I was working 2 jobs, had 5 classes, got my bike stolen which had me on feet all the time, and had my shift at the temple (not to mention hanging out with Jenn and Nat every night and 4 callings in the ward). I was staying afloat but it was really weighing me down. Jenn had told me that she was waiting on a missionary, so even though I was really really interested in her, I didn't want to get in the way. I know how it feels to be on the missionary side of this situation having gone through the same thing with Mackenzie, so I decided not to do anything about it. Jenn, on the other hand, had different ideas. At the end of the month we were officially dating. Jenn is an amazing girl. She's drop dead gorgeous, super funny, has my sense of humor to a T, is really energetic and spunky, really spiritual, and overall fun to be around. We can be doing absolutely nothing, or goofing around like psychos but we just love being around each other. I've really never met a girl like her, and feel extremely lucky to have her.

October: Man things got rough. So in the midst of all the business and stresses, I managed to find myself slipping into dark places. I don't know if it was a lack of sleep or just my overall busy lifestyle but I guess my mental health couldn't handle it and things got pretty hard for me. I got the help I needed, but it was a rough time for me. Jenn was really sweet and supportive though the whole thing which meant the world to me, still does. Through it all, I managed to still find fun things to do like football games, haunted forests, and ice skating. It was a really hard month, but we still took advantage of my favorite month.

November: The first half of the month was riddled with papers galore. I think I had something like 20 pages of papers to write, and somehow they all got turned in on time. Thanksgiving break was a much needed blessing. Thanksgiving was so good, I mean, SO good. What a blessed holiday. That's really all there was to report on November.

December: I kept trudging through papers and papers and papers to come upon Finals week, this is the moment I've been waiting for.

That's about right.

Actually, I somehow got out of this last semester with an A, two A-, and 2 B's!! I was thrilled beyond belief, and hopefully I'll survive this next semester too. Christmas was really nice. I got a bunch of stuff I already knew I was getting haha but it was still good. I spent the second week of Christmas break in St. George with Jenn and her family.

Okay so I'm all caught up on the happenings of this last year. Now we're in January of 2015. This is a whole new year of opportunities, and I'm ready to grab life by the horns. I'm going to try and write in this more often, so wish me luck. I sat down the other day and wrote out my goals for this year, I'm ready to take on the world!

AMS

Anonimity

I'm becoming more and more like Dad every day.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm here tonight because A: I don't have anything else to do, and B: I have a lot of thoughts that need to be let out. So this post may be a bunch of random thoughts vomited onto the web; we'll see.

First things first, I have to give a shout out to my amazing sister Whitney for returning home from her mission. She did not have an easy mission, and that is what has impressed me the most. In a nutshell, she had to go home about 3 months into her mission for medical reasons. As she was home, her health deteriorated and word of "MS" and "ALS'' began to be mentioned in conversation. Not just scary stuff, but things that most missionaries would say, "Well, I showed a willingness to serve. I guess it's time to move forward." Now, I'm in no way saying that's a bad thing; I think that's a very positive outlook and a mature way to handle it. The thing that really surprised and impressed me beyond words is that in the face of all that, Whitney decided to keep fighting and figuring out a way to get back out. Some switch in her head flipped and she just fought and fought until she finally got the green light to return 4 months later. She went on to serve a very honorable, complete mission, and blessed countless lives in the process. Congratulations Boo-Boo, and Welcome Home :)

So, we continue to move forward in life. The house is filled up again with people, and the Earth keeps on spinning. I'm still busy as ever with work. I was pretty upset to see my first paycheck and find over $100 pulled out in taxes. Thanks, Government. Not like I needed that money for anything. So I had to do a little rebudgeting based on what my new projected income will be, and it's putting a little bit of a dent in my pocketbook; but I suppose in the end things will work out okay.

Okay, so here's more or less the reason why I've been hankering to write this post. It's actually been on my mind for a couple of days, but I just haven't gotten around to posting it because shut up. I've had this really weird and "not like me" quirk since I got home that I just plain do not want to see people. Once I'm actually with the people it's great and I'm super happy to see them! But if I'm making a trip to the grocery store or the mall or crossing BYU Campus, I just dread the thought of running into someone I know. Ever since I got back, I've kinda kept an unnaturally low profile. Anyone that knew me 2 years ago knows that I'm a rather eccentric person who is very opinionated, a little (or a lot depending on who you ask) loud, and slightly in love with the spotlight. Now, I am seem to be making a subconscious effort to stay out of the very limelight I used to thrive on. Why, you may ask? The answer I am stuck with giving people, and worse, giving to myself, is that I have no idea.

Is this a reason to panic? I doubt it. It's summer, and I don't really have a lot of limelights to jump into, so it may just be me trying to sneak back into society unnoticed. Maybe it's that I don't want to be put on the RM pedestal. Maybe it's because I'm honestly becoming anti-social. Who knows; I certainly don't. All I know is that I often just want to be a nobody in the crowd.

One thing that I have noticed is that there's few people in the same boat as me. With Social Media gaining more and more followers every day, we live in a world where we practically live everyone else's lives with them, without ever really living a life of our own. As my dad mentioned just the other day, there are some things that should just be kept to oneself and not shared for the world to see (having difficulty passing a kidney stone is one of them). Fewer things are special or personal because we're all so eager to broadcast every moment of our waking lives to the world. Because there's so many different social media sites out there, and so many statuses and pictures posted just among your own friends (let alone the people you follow), it's easy to become obsessed and even addicted to getting on. It's like checking the fridge on a boring day. No matter how many times you open it, new food isn't going to pop up out of nowhere. Just like a life isn't going to pop up in your news feed on Facebook no matter how many times you check and recheck it.

Even with the race to have the most exciting (or maybe just busy) social media page, we still put on a mask and hide from the world. It's like we're living of the world but not in it. It's so easy to spew out any insult over the internet because you have as long as you need to compose your "perfect" comeback, and you don't need a heart or feelings because you don't have to see the broken person on the other side of the screen. The worst part of it is that any time anyone tries to be as social in real life as most people are on the internet, we look at them as either A) A Pervert/Stalker/Creep, B) A Weirdo/Freak, or C) Old and Out of Touch. So for some reason we want to get up in each other's digital faces and yet when anyone even approaches our real face, we feel violated and weirded out!! You can have a room full of people and all you'll hear, if you listen closely, might be the sound of thumbs thudding against a touch screen. Just the other night, the whole family (my family) was all in the same room but no one was saying a word to one another. Everyone was living in their own little world, and we all just sort of coexisted in the same room. It's scary because every single one of us is guilty of it.

All of this has just kind of made me want to not show my whole life off to the world. So that may be in part why I've been keeping a low profile. Again, I'm not sure, but that's my personal theory. Tonight, for example, I just decided I was done with my phone. I put it down and just left it there. If I missed calls or texts, I don't care; I'm not using my phone for the rest of the day. Don't mistranslate this as me announcing that I'm deleting Facebook, Instagram, and this Blog to be Amish. I still love how much of a miracle all of this is. Through these mediums we can keep in contact with people that it would be impossible to keep in contact with otherwise. I was able to Skype my family as a missionary, and I can keep in touch with old friends that have moved away. I think the biggest thing, as we are so frequently counseled to do, is to keep a balance on all of these things. We've all heard how we need to bridle our passions; I believe that certainly involves curbing our digital appetite as well. 

That world we're all so eager to share can seem pretty empty outside when we're all cooped up in our little corners of the world. So use your phones and use Facebook, Twitter, Google+ (okay, you don't have to use Google+), but just remember that in the end, the thing in your hand is a bunch of plastic and metal that shouldn't run your life. Mankind has made it this far because we've learned to harness and control the elements and objects around us to create whatever we have wanted or needed. That ingenuity has made man fly, live in inhospitable places, predict the weather (sometimes), and instantly find answers to our questions. We haven't come this far and made this much progress to fall prey to our own devices. We created the smart phone, but it was never designed to outsmart us. So take some time to put the phone down and go do something non-technology related for a change. Show the phone, and yourself, that you're in control.  

“I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.”

― Albert Einstein

AMS

Out to the Ballgame

I think this way is better

This wouldn't be a post on this blog if I didn't start by throwing out some excuse for why I haven't written for a week+. Well, frankly it's because I love you and didn't really have anything exciting to report. BYUtv owned my soul last week and I didn't think it'd be very appealing to read about how I did the same thing every single day.

Seriously, my weekend from Thursday to Saturday consisted of filming baseball and softball games. I kid you not, I would wake up, go film baseball, then go to bed. 3 days. It was great.

Honestly, it was pretty fun to get paid to watch baseball on the field. How many people can say they have a job that pays them for sometimes (most of the time in fact) the best seat available for all college sports? Not many I'd imagine. This weekend was actually my first time filming a baseball game and I had 1st base camera. I wasn't even supposed to work Thursday but they called me in to fill in. Well, somehow it came about that I didn't need to fill in, so they had me shadow the same spot I'd be filming Saturday, so it worked out okay. I was watching intently and trying to learn the spot so I wouldn't mess anything up Saturday, when the cameraman I was shadowing decided I was ready to take over and he was ready to get paid to eat a hot dog. He told me to keep the headphones only half on so I could hear him telling me what to do.

Well, that wasn't going so well considering I had the director in one ear, my supervisor in the other, and my brain wasn't really computing either. That resulted in me making a couple of dumb mistakes on live TV...oops. After the second or third blatant mistake, I hear the director say, "Who's on Camera 5??"

Um...it's Alex, sir.

Well, that didn't go over so well, but my supervisor was gone to get his hot dog by then so we just had to move forward. The rest of the game wasn't so bad, it was just a crash course learning my job, but no major mistakes after the 4th inning or so. The director talked to me about doing a better job the next time, but other than that it was all okay considering how I was trained...

Friday we did a softball double-header and that was a much more entertaining game than the baseball game. We got ours handed to us at the baseball game, but the softball team won the conference championship for the 4th year in a row! That was pretty exciting to watch. I also filmed the "classic" baseball angle:

Yes ladies and gentlemen, those lights mean my camera is live.

Saturday was back to baseball, but luckily this time we were done by 5. Yay! Alex has Saturday evening to relax!!

No.

As you recall, I have two jobs. The other job is a video editor for the Arts Department. That evening I was in charge of filming the Children's Dance Recital. Its basically where a bunch of moms living vicariously through their children sign their children up for dance classes that they choreograph and watch their kids perform their dances. It's one of those things. Anyways, my only job was to turn the camera on, push freaking 'record', turn the stupid camera off, and take it back to the flipping office. That's it. Seems simple right? Well, everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. I went to our office to grab a battery, but the only battery was at like 15% which isn't near enough for a full show. I took the battery and its charger and prayed there was another one available at the theater. I then headed down the hall to the Richard's Building Theater for the show only to find out the show's actually in the DeJong Concert Hall in the Fine Arts Center on the other side of campus. Great. So I hurry over there right before they open to the public which was just enough time to set up the camera. The camera had a battery at 50% so I knew I'd have to switch at some point, but I didn't know when and didn't want to cross that bridge until I got to it. Everything went fine until the moment came to cross that bridge. A number ended and I knew I had about 15 seconds to turn the camera off, swap batteries, and start recording again. Well, I must have done it too fast because my memory card got glitched and didn't want to record anymore. Lucky for me it was Intermission so I had time to run back to the RB and grab another card. I told the Stage Manager to stall for time and I took off literally sprinting like a fool.

I made it back in time to put the card in, and what would you know? I grabbed the one card that had the recording of the show from the night before. So now not only is my problem not solved, but I also am risking losing both shows!!

So, with 20 minutes of recording time left, I just pushed record and ran back again to the RB and grabbed like 3 more cards. No way I was making the mistake again. When I got the card in, it started looking black and white in the playback screen but at that point, I just didn't even care. I was sick of problems and the whole show could have gone to kaput and the camera blow up in my face for all I cared at that point. I was tired, and I was done with that show. Fortunately we got the whole show captured in color with no problems. I took the equipment back and at 10 PM I was finally done for the night. I found Jake, Joe, Ethan, and Wes to enjoy a little needed Bro Time for the end of the night.

Every time I tell a story about something ridiculous or difficult or annoying that happened at work, Mom and Dad always without fail try and make me feel better by reminding me to think about the money. Dad always sings a song with the lyrics "Money, money, money, money, makes me feel good." I used to always think that was a real song, but it looks like you'll only ever find it in the Dad Hymnal. I think they think if they remind me of that I'll suddenly imagine this and feel better:

But in the end, all I end up seeing is this:

In the end, I am grateful for my jobs and that they're so much fun. I don't expect them to go perfectly and without problems, especially since I'm just getting back in the swing of things work-wise. It's just those little moments that make me chuckle at how ridiculous life can be. It's learning to laugh at the uncontrollable ridiculous garbage that we put up with that makes my world go round.

AMS

From Zero to Busy

Life's Finally Almost Back!

Okay, the main purpose of me not having written the past week is there really hasn't been a lot to report on. I remember I was a lot more able to come up with meaningful entries in college because there was variety new things to report on daily. Now? Well, let's just say that life is about to get interesting again.

I start work this afternoon and I couldn't be more excited to get going again! The downside to today is that I won't be getting paid because the office I needed to fill paperwork out at decided to close for 5 days for graduation. That was a 1 day thing; why the heck do you need 5 days to be closed?? No matter, at least it's something to do; though I would like something to do with money.

The week before was a lot of spending time with Jake and Ethan. Now that Jake's back and neither of us could start working until this week, we figured instead of being a menace to other people with busy lives, we would just hang out and help keep each other busy. The biggest key to making a decent transition back into the real world is just keeping yourself busy. As a missionary you have an hour by hour plan for each day for 2 complete years. Literally, there isn't a single day that goes by without a plan from 6:30 AM to 10:30 PM. Then you get home and literally have nothing at all to do and hardly any expectations to uphold. Wanna take a 3, 4, 10 hour nap? No one's gonna stop you, so go for it. Except your conscience won't let you so you just end up staying up and twiddling your thumbs because you don't know what to do with yourself. That is the situation I've been battling the past few weeks.

Well, the battle is over and I now have a good 30 hours of work under my belt from the past week. It's not as much as I want but it's a good start. The most important part of it all is that it's giving me something to do. I have two jobs on BYU campus now. One is the heavenly job back at BYUtv as a cameraman. I've talked about this job and how much I love it before, but it begs repeating. I love working as a cameraman for BYUtv. I seriously don't know how I got so lucky to have a job like that but I absolutely love it! It's giving me something really great to put on my resume and on top of that it's super fun!

My other job is as a video editor for BYU Arts Video Production. Basically, different departments in the arts department can hire us to their pleasure and have us film their shows, rehearsals, and classes. Then we go and edit the footage and put it on YouTube or put it on DVD's. It's a really fun job that lets me be creative and in charge of the projects I'm assigned to seeing that I basically head the project from start to finish. I of course have a supervisor, but he's really good about letting the students retain their style in making these videos; and we're careful not to take advantage of that. It's a great job, and both jobs are giving me a ton of work experience in the multimedia field.

Speaking of work, that's all I've done this past week. There was the BYU Women's Conference that ate up the majority of my week, particularly between Wednesday and Friday. It's a great faith-boosting experience for the women that are there, but for a guy, you feel dangerously outnumbered and extremely unsafe. One sexist joke and it'll be like this:

Not safe.

Anyways, the second day I was doing work for the big event in the Marriot Center at BYU and I got the most lucrative job of all: Script Reader. Basically my job for 10 hours was to sit next to the director and follow each line of the script with a pen to help him keep track. Yep, I got paid to point at a script. And yes, it was as exciting as it sounds. Let's just say I prefer being behind the camera. After the whole shabang was over, I went to the Marriot Center to help take the cameras down. All of the Relief Society, Young Womens, and Primary presidencies were there in the tunnel and I walked past every single one of them. I even was wheeling one of the cameras into the tunnel and almost ran into Jean Stevens who is in the Primary Presidency. As cool as an experience that was, Sister Stevens, if you ever read this...sorry about that.

So that's my life now! I really am going to try and get a more frequent updating so I can actually have a journal like blog. That was the whole purpose of this thing, but it doesn't do a whole lot of good if I post in it every other week...I'll try to do better.

AMS

Patience: The Great Virtue

...That I Just Can't Seem to Master

Well, here I am on week 3 of the whole "Returned Missionary" experience. 

Gosh, that's the way to start a post, right? I'm at a loss for a better intro, so we'll just have to stick with that. I know it sounds like I'm depressed, but I promise I'm not. I'm still very happy to be home, and I think I'm even starting to find my place in the 2014 version of Spanish Fork. I guess the only thing that's bogging me down is

BOREDOM

Now I'm not about to go on a rant blaming the world for my boredom, because frankly, it's not the world's fault. It's completely my fault. But nonetheless the boredom is there. This is kind of a "good news, bad news" thing. The good news is I got my job back at BYUtv! Last Friday I got a random text from my old boss saying that they'd hire me back and to come to paperwork next week! I was ecstatic about that especially since I can't start working the BYU film job until the end of the month.

Well, that's where the bad news comes into play. Like the other job, I can't work at BYUtv until the end of the month either, thus making me wait another two weeks to start working, and thus leaving my entire day each and every day completely up to me what I'm going to do.

So that's the current situation. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful that God's blessed me with all these work opportunities. It's just annoying that I have to wait to actually get started. It feels like those super busy days where you know that from 5-8 PM you're going to be running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to accomplish 9000+ things that have to be done in that time span but not being able to start doing any of them until 5 so you're forced to just sit and twiddle your thumbs waiting on the wave to hit you.

Something like that.

The other things that's been on my mind the last couple of weeks is:

Okay, I know you're all thinking "Alex. You need to calm down." I'm not about to jump at the first girl that bats her eyes at me, nor am I really feeling getting back in the dating game right now; but I will be honest when I say that it's been on my mind. One of the natural things that comes with getting home from a mission is that everyone you meet (particularly those that knew you before) not only ask you like crazy when you're getting married, but also jump to the assumption that you're getting married within 6 months; as if marriage is a race (though at BYU I sometimes wonder if it actually is). As if this isn't all enough, many of them are chomping at the bit to introduce you to their 18-25 year old daughter. I could look like a dead animal and they'd be so eager to introduce me purely because I am home from a mission. This, however, was all anticipated and hasn't bothered me. What has made this all get inside my head is the fact that every time I get on Facebook I see yet another Facebook friend is married or engaged. No joke, I think over half of my high school friends are married now, and the other half are on missions.

That being said, I'm not mad or annoyed at any of them, nor do I feel any amount of pressure to get a move on with anything; this is just the reason why it's been on my mind lately. I mean, it kind of is the next big step in life for me, so I can't turn a blind eye to it. I think it's just because as the closer friends start getting married, the more the reality of marriage becomes. It really starts hitting home you could say. I mean lets be honest; 2 years ago I was still a little kid fresh out of high school with a tiny amount of college experience under my belt (the fact that I'm returning to school still a freshman is also bugging me super bad). Now, I'm 21 years old, considered a "man" and "adult" by society, and as such, am expected to take on adult responsibilities; one of those is getting married and starting a family. Hearing stuff like that and picturing myself in those shoes looks something like this to me:

Either way, it's the next step of life and I'm a little intimidated by it. I mean, don't get me wrong I want to get married but I also see this as literally THE biggest decision I could ever make. This is the choice that impacts eternity and I do not want to mess this one up.

So I suppose after all of this thought vomiting, it all leads back to the theme of this post: Patience. It's never been a quality I've excelled at, and it very well may never be. I wouldn't necessarily say I have a short fuse anymore, so it's not a temperance issue, it's mostly accepting that some things are out of my control. I'm not a control freak, but I do like being able to create my circumstance. However, there are just some things in life that I have zero control over; time being the biggest of them. Then again, maybe we have more control than we think. In the Lord of the Rings, Gandalf counsels Frodo with these words:

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

 We may not be able to make those 5-8 pm assignments come any quicker in the day, but we can decide what to do while we're waiting. I can either choose to get marriage hungry and jump at the first girl that bats her eyes at me, or I can figure out who I need to become to deserve the girl of my dreams so that when I do meet her, I'm ready and worthy of her. I can either choose to be annoyed that I'm not working or in school and just sit and mope, or I can choose to utilize the free time I have right now and make good use of it. I can't control when things happen much of the time, but I can control my attitude, reaction, and outlook on those situations.

Besides, fall will eventually come and I'll be back in school taking on those challenges before I know it. I'll be living in Provo with Jake having a blast, working, going on dates, and yes, eventually finding a wife and getting married. But that's not the time I'm in right now. Right now what I can do is be excited for Jake to get home in a couple of days. With each brother coming back one by one, we're calling it "The Gathering". Brace yourselves.

In the meantime, I'll continue to make the most of the time and opportunities that I have right now. I'll take advice from the old Arabian Proverb: 

"When you are the anvil, be patient. When you are the hammer, strike."

AMS