I figured I need to blog sooner or later and right now is as good as any. 2 kids are down for a nap, one child is at school and the other one is playing quiet. :)
I am having a difficult day today. So maybe that is why I am blogging so I can get it all down and not bottle it in.
This post is not going to have pictures and will be LONG so if you don't want to read that is ok. I promise to post pictures in the next week. I also am sorry for any grammatical errors!! :)
Well, one week ago today I had a miscarriage. It was the hardest and most painful thing that I have experienced. But I knew that it was coming. I knew from the minute of conception that something was wrong. I felt sick almost immediately, very unusual for anyone to feel sick 2 days later. I started throwing up a week later. I knew something was wrong or that I was having multiple babies. But the multiple babies did not feel right. I took a pregnancy test 2 weeks later and it was positive. I freaked out a little. I wanted to be pregnant and have another baby, but I knew that something was wrong. I was still feeling sick and throwing up, so my body was telling me that nothing was wrong, but in my heart I knew. We didn't tell anybody about me being pregnant, not even my mother...which if you know me that is strange because I tell my mother everything. But I wanted to be sure before I went public. I waited until 11.5 weeks to go in and see my Dr.. I wanted to make sure that we could hear the heart beat. But when there was no heart beat, my own heart stopped beating for a moment. I expressed my concerns to my Dr. and he wasn't too concerned about not hearing the heart beat. He said that only about 60% of the time they hear it that early, but I knew there was no little baby in there to hear a heart beat for. Everything else measured and looked normal. I was measuring right on track. He suggested that we could go get an ultrasound or wait it out and see what happened, and by my next appointment we should hear the heart beat. We opted to wait it out, due to the fact that we would have to pay for the ultrasound ourselves. It would not be covered by ins.
So I asked my Dr. what to do when I start bleeding. He said"IF" you start bleeding. You should not do it next week (2 weeks ago) because he would be on a cruise and wouldn't be around. But he was optimistic that I would see him in 4 weeks and we would hear the heart beat. Glad someone was.
As Dave and I get into our car, I immediately broke down and start bawling. I cried the whole way home knowing that my heart/mind would be in constant state of worry until something...anything happened.
One week went by and nothing happened...I was now 12.5 weeks. I swear that I was feeling the babies movements, one side of me would get really excited that there was a baby in there, but the other side of me would cautiously warn me that there is still a chance that there isn't. I tried not to get my hopes ups... I would tell myself that it was just a gas bubble and not a baby.
Saturday September 8th...it all started to happen. We were at a benefit concert at some friends house and I went to use the bathroom and I was spotting. I knew something was happening. The spotting continued into Sunday morning till about 11am. After that nothing happened. I had spent all morning lying down and resting. I continued to lie down (in hopes that it would stop it...but knowing fullwell that it wouldn't) About 5 pm I went to use the restroom and there it was...full blown red blood. I sat there and cried, knowing that what I had thought all along was coming to past. Monday morning I call my Dr. and I tell him that I waited for you! He tells me that he is sorry and that he wished that this wasn't happening, he also tells me that I need to go get an ultrasound done. Stating his apologies, knowing that we would have to pay for it. But he wanted to be sure that there was no heartbeat and that there wasn't some other type of pregnancy happening.
I finally called my mom, who is serving a LDS mission with my dad in CA and told her what was happening. I miss my mom so much, but I am so glad that I can call her whenever I need too.
Dave leaves work and meets me down to get the ultrasound and sure enough...no baby. There was never any baby. I had the type of pregnancy that is called a Blighted Ovum. Meaning that my body was pregnant, but there was never a baby in there to grow and develop and come home with me. I didn't cry because I knew that from the beginning something wasn't right. Plus I think that I was in a little shock at the loss of hope and the thought of another baby. I am grateful for the comforting spirit to warn my heart and mind though. It made it a little easier to handle the loss. The Dr. asked if we wanted to have a D&C or have it naturally. He suggested to have it naturally because I was already bleeding and it would happen in the next few days. Since the D&C wouldn't be covered by ins. again we chose to wait. We went home and Dave took the day off to be there and support me.
Tuesday morning at about 4:45 am I woke up with the worst cramp ever. I rush to the bathroom to see if anything happened. Nothing, so I go back to bed. 5 mins later the same thing. Then again 5 mins later, and again and again and again. This went on for an hour before I got up and went down stairs to watch t.v to try and distract my mind. The pain was getting harder and stronger. The contractions...which I am calling them because it is exactly what my contractions felt with my other children births...started getting closer together. They were happening so fast that I only had time to take about 2 deep breaths before another one would hit. The pain was so bad I I swear I cried out..."wheres my epidural" I was in tears and in pain...not only physically but mentally too. I was going through labor and nothing was to come of it. I finally went and woke up Dave so he could come and be some sort of support for me. Even if it was to just hold me while I cried or to rub my back or to let me lay on him in pain. I didn't care I just needed him. Then about 15 mins later...snap...the pain was gone and the tears had stopped and reality hit as I walked to the bathroom to say goodbye to the loss and the hope of a baby that was never there. My heart goes out to those who have lost a child to stillbirths. I only experienced 13 weeks of the hope for a baby and not 7, 8, 9 months for the love of the baby that was inside me.
I had a friend tell me that even though I say there wasn't a baby, it was still a loss...and a loss is HARD! She is right! It was hard!! It wasn't easy and it is something that I never want to experience again.
But the fun wasn't over...
The next day, I woke up feeling great. Dave went to work and I got the kids off to school. My dear friend offered to come over and help me fold laundry or clean or what ever I needed done. She left my house a round noon. I got the kids lunch and was picking up a few things and I had a tickle in my throat and so I coughed. WARNING POSSIBLE TMI When I coughed I felt something like I gushed some blood...which happened sometimes..like when I stood up gravity would take hold. Or that I had just passed another blood clot...which too happened often. Alot of things get passed/delivered when you have a miscarriage or a baby. So I went to the bathroom and whatever it was that happened it didn't happen completely. It was still inside me and sticking out about an half of an inch. I tried to pull it out thinking that it was another BIG blood clot, but it was more of a fleshy feel. So I freaked out..my cervics is falling out, my uterus is falling out..which I know can happen. "I am going to have a hysterectomy, I won't be able to have anymore kids, my family isn't complete yet." These are all thoughts that went through my mind. I called my Dr. and he said that my "stuff" isn't falling out. But since I couldn't get 'it' out then I needed to go and see him ASAP and not to drive for 2 reasons...1. Emotionally, I was in no state of mind to drive and 2. Incase I hemoragged. SO I call Dave who was at the State Fair 45 mins away. He said he would leave ASAP. Which meant the soonest he could get here was in 1 hour and my Dr. was another 20-30 mins away. But I didn't want to wait that long and felt like I couldn't wait that long. So I called my dear friedn who had just been to my house to help me. I call her in a panic and in tears not knowing what to do. I had 2 sleeping kids and other kids that we still at school. She said, give me 5 mins and I will have it all worked out. So she did. She found someone to watch our kids so she could take me to the Dr. We get there and they are trying to work us in as soon as they can. 5-10 mins later they get be in and I get in the room and am waiting for the Dr. and I start freaking out and thinking of all the worst things. The Dr. comes in and ask me how I am holding up emtionally? I start crying beacause I don't know what is happening and my husband isn't here yet. He hugs me and comforts me and then asks me to lie down. I start shaking so bad that I thought I would not be able to stay on the table. When he starts to examine me, he tells me that it is just my placenta. I hadn't passed my placenta yet...which I thought I had, but they must have been some mighty big blood clots. And I mean BIG blood clots. Just then Dave walks in and I lose it again. But it was a happy and relief cry.
When the Dr. tries to take the placenta out it wouldn't come, so in further examination he finds that my cervics had already closed and pinched part of the placenta inside it. Feeling like I was in an operating room hear the Dr. ask for this, and that, and this and that. I was worried on what was happening. I asked him and he said that since my cervic has closed pinching my placenta, he needs to open my cervics back up so he could take it out. OUCH!!!!!! DOUBLE OUCH!!!! After that I was bleeding a ton. I lost about a unit of blood and the Dr. wasn't liking that the bleeding was not stopping and was thinking that I would need a D&C right then....WHAT? not putting me under???? Luckily the bleeding started to slow down and the D&C was not needed...Thank you!!
After a few days of recovery, yes I was sore from the open of my cervics back up, and awesome friends and neighbors who took care of me when I needed it and brought in dinners and watched my kids and a mother in-law who came up that same night to help. I am finally feeling better and back to normal. My heart still hurts but I know that all things are meant to be and that everything will work out in the end. Now to loose this extra 13 weeks of weight gain!! Till I get pregnant again!
Thanks for sticking around!
