Joy Is In the Journey!

SEPTEMBER 13, 2009 It's amazing how this last 12 months has flown by already. I've struggled in some of my darkest hours in mourning the loss of my best friend. I've felt some of the most painful feelings that I'll ever know in this life. I've literally have had my heart broken into a million pieces. As dark as my most painful hours have been I've been able to smile through all the tears because of my Savior's love for me. I know that he knows my grief and pain in a more intimate way than I even will. He truly has ran to me in so many way's during my time of need and He has lifted me and has carried my burden.

As much as it has hurt I have found joy in the journey. I've learned so much about myself and how strong I've become. I see life in such a different way than most people and what this life is about. When I went hiking or backpacking in the past I was always so caught up in the destination of that pristine camping spot next to the lake. My goal was to get there as fast as I could and when I did that's when the beauty and solitude would start for me. I would hike head down and pound the miles out until we would arrive. I couldn't wait to get there and to enjoy my little Eden away from the hustle-and-bustle of the grind of life. After Roshelle died last August I went backpacking for three day's with a friend and his brother. For the first time I found myself looking all around me and taking my time. I would stop, take a deep breath in and feel the crisp clean air fill my lungs. I would stop along the way and turn around and take in the view that was behind me and affront of me. I could finally enjoy the warmth of the sun that kissed my face and the cool mourning breeze that chilled me because of the sweat that was on my face. I layed in the tent the next day tired and not feeling good. I layed in the tent with Texas(my dog) for hours on end and slept all day and just listened to the wind wrestle the tree's above me. I would open the tent fly to get a cross breeze in the tent and let Texas snoop around. I found myself fascinated with the micro world that I could see on the ground with it's varying types of insects. As with us they have to live their life gathering food, raising off spring, and building a home.

"Joy Is In the Journey" and I have to remind myself every day to look around and take in the view. Spend a little extra time with someone in need, kiss a little longer, hug someone like you never want to let them go, tell the one you love that they mean the world to you, don't get casual with the words " I love you" mean it, be quick to forgive, look for the good in the world (you only see what you want), and simply put, live your life with no regrets. I'm still trying to apply all this in my life right now and forever. But the beauty of this life will unfold to us when we remember that " Joy Is In the Journey."

Happy Birthday Roshelle!

I miss Roshelle asking me what I bought her on March 1st and my typical dumb look of it's not your birthday yet dear. In typical Roshelle fashion, she say's it's my birthday month and I should get something everyday of the month. Hmmm...spoiled brattttt!!! I remember one birthday when we had this conversation I reached down and kissed her on the lips and wished her happy birthday. She said, your not getting off that easy, you have to do something little for me each day of the month and so the tradition started.

Happy Birthday Roshelle! I'm glad you have been around me the last couple of day's. You have been so close that I at times could've reached out and touched you. Thank You! I miss you beyond what my finite mind can comprehend, my soul hungers to be with you, and their is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you or miss you. Happy Birthday my LOVE!

"The Strength of A Woman"

I had the opportunity to go to the Draper Temple open house on February 28th. I went with a woman named Jenny that I have been dating for the last two month's and her three children. We sat next to each other and held hands during the eleven minute video about Temple's. During the video my heart was very tender for the Temple, the eternal family, the power of the Priesthood, and the Savior and His Atonement. The five of us took a bus to the Temple grounds and entered the Lord's House. Even though the Temple isn't dedicated yet, I could still feel the Spirit strongly as we walked around it. As we walked around the Temple I continued to hold Jenny's hand and every once in a while put my arm around her waist.

As we made our way around the Temple I could feel "The Strength of A Woman" at my side for the first time since Roshelle passed away. I could feel the power of her testimony, her faith, I knew she believed in me and cared for me. I could feel it everywhere we went that evening. I felt closer to her spiritually and emotionally as well. I can't describe in words what I truly felt, except that the "Power" woman posse is truly Divine. She warmed me from within this evening.

Jenny and I talked that evening about our thoughts and feelings of the night. I told her what I felt as we walked around that evening. She said that she felt the same way and told me that she just couldn't stop looking at me the entire night. She said that she couldn't believe that she had a righteous Priesthood holder at her side and loved the feeling of having someone that truly cared for her.

Deep in the Heart of Texas!

My sister in-law Cara and her husband Justin flew me down to San Antonio for Christmas break. I had fun down there talking about old times and new ones as well. It was fun to be able to play with their children and spend time with them. I got lots of baby cuddles so I won't do something stupid like go get married so I can be a father. I got my share of Cara's excellent cooking and a good dose of tex-mex and BBQ. I enjoyed watching their kids tear open their Christmas presents on Christmas day. I've never have been on the adult end of things and so I loved watching the joy on their little faces.

I had the opportunity to rent a car and go down to Houston for a few day's as well. I ate lunch with my parents and brother twice and saw their home for the first time down there. I spent time with my friend Robb and Rebekah and their two little girls. I was able to see some old friends while playing basketball one night with them.

"A Final Bit of Closure"

Roshelle's mom text messaged me yesterday to let me know that her headstone was placed Tuesday. So I took a break from studying and went to take pictures of the headstone. So now the sacred ground that she rests in is officially named.

"Be Thankful Alway's"

Today I was pondering the many blessings that are in my life and I feel it's important to express them openly.

1) I'm Thankful for an all loving Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I'm Thankful for The Savior's atoning sacrifice
and His death and resurrection.

2) I'm Thankful for the Prophet Joseph Smith. " Praise to the Man who communed with Jehovah."

3) I'm Thankful for a Prophet and Apostles that lead and guide the Lord's church in these troubled times.

4) I'm Thankful for Temples that are springing up around the world. I'm Thankful for covenants that are made in the "House of
the Lord." I'm Thankful for eternal marriage and the doctrine that lies therein, that Husband and Wife can be married for
time and all eternity.

5) I'm Thankful for the power of the priesthood and all the blessings that spring from it.

6) I'm Thankful for my wife Roshelle. I'm Thankful for her Christ like love for me, her faith, her testimony, her forgiveness, her
heart, her trust, and all eternity with her as my companion. I'm Thankful for the time that we had with each other and that
we lived a covenant marriage. It was a pleasure to serve you for the duration of our marriage. Thank you for teaching me
how to become more like the Savior by serving you. I'm honored to be your husband!

7) I'm Thankful for my friend Collette even though you are gone. I'm Thankful for all that you have done for me and my wife.
Roshelle was on cloud nine after you took her to go get her hair cut in May. Thank you for putting a smile on her face.
Thank you for your love, your friendship, your trust, your kindness, and warm embrace. Please remember me!

8) I'm Thankful for Roshelle's parents and siblings. I'm Thankful for their Christ like love and support during our marriage.
I'm forever grateful that they raised such an incredible daughter and trusted me with her care. They have become true
friends and they love me as their own.

9) I'm Thankful for amazing friends, ward members, class mates, teachers, and even complete strangers that saw that Roshelle and
I couldn't do it alone. It was truly a group effort in this labor of love for Roshelle and I. Thank you from the bottom of my
heart.

10) I'm Thankful for " The Power of Deliverance."

11) I'm Thankful that the Lord is directing friends into my life, as well as compensating blessings to buffer what I have lost.

12) I'm Thankful for the Holy Ghost. I have seen much and felt much since Roshelle went into the hospital. I'm Thankful for the
Comforter that speaks peace to my broken heart. I'm Thankful for being lead by the spirit on a daily bases.

13) I'm Thankful for the chance to receive an education and to be able secure a better tomorrow because of that.

14) I'm Thankful for these experiences that have taught me so much. I can see how the Lord is refining me and sculpting me
for the eternities. I can see how He is preparing me for things that will shortly come. I'm Thankful for such a clear eternal
perspective at such a young age and I find that I've become wiser beyond my life experiences.

"Grief"

I don't think I have had a full night's sleep since Collette and I broke up November 1st. I've had very few since Roshelle passed away as well. I find myself mentally, physically, and emotionally spent. Their is a heart ache that never leaves me, it keeps me up all night, and follows me around everywhere I go. Their is nothing that seems to take it away, it is always their, and their is no escape. I ran into a 28 year old widow of two and a half years that works in the ICU and she said, "Jeremy it will never go away." I'm well aware of that!!

I can't tell you how hard it is to have your wife die. It's almost as if my very being has been shattered to a million pieces, my polar star has lost it's light, the light house off in the distance is no more. I can still see every detail of her face, I can remember the touch of her hand, I hear her giggling in the next room, I can hear her still whisper I love you in my ear, and I lone to be with her. I miss my friend, my soul mate, my eternal companion, the love of my life, the women of my dreams, the capture of my heart. You loved me unconditionally despite my weaknesses, you believed in me, you built me up, and you fought for your life just so we could have a few more moments with each other. I want you back, their is so much left undone, like raise a family, move into our first home, buy a new car, and just go and live our lives. I know why you had to leave, it's ok, your mine for all of time and all eternity. Until we meet again!!


I miss my best friend and I wish I could have her back!!!!