As soon as we decided to make some real life changes, the man’s car barfed up its transmission. Nobody would try to fix it, because it was too old and the parts were all discontinued.
So now we have a new (used) car and a new monthly payment to make.
I guess it’s a start.
I woke up in the middle of the night, took half a melatonin, and then the birds started singing and I realized it was not the middle of the night, it was time to get up for school. Oh shit. Jumped up before it could kick in, got some caffeinated tea, took a workout booster, and yelled at Zenny, "Quick! Get out here and watch tiktoks with me because I took a melatonin by mistake and watching a screen is supposed to be bad for sleep!" She was out of bed and dressed faster than I've ever seen her. (My algorithm is all tumbling kittens and badly behaved birds and funny Japanese videos - she knows I have the good stuff.)
I don't know if my pupils were the size of saucers or pinpricks by the time I got to my doctor's appointment after dropping the kids off, but I had a good weigh-in and told her that now it was time to get ripped like a gym bro, and then I asked if the doctor's office still did thread lifts and said I was just curious because it looked gruesome and I didn't need one because I could use scotch tape. She laughed and said, "Oh my god you're so cute!" And I was confused because I feel like I’m kind of an asshole, and this was the second time in 2 days someone said something like that. Yesterday's therapy was a shit show, but our therapist is amazing and helped me pick apart my rage over work/money/marriage, then she described me as a 'pleasant and calm person' in the center of a storm. I was literally crying and shaking with anger and sadness at that moment, but I looked at the little video box on the screen and realized I was just sitting and dabbing my eyes and nodding. It's not showing to others the way I feel like it is. Right after that we drove to my mother's house for family dinner and were attacked by a yoga ball with a monkey face on it while driving 60pmh on the freeway, and I knew for a fact that I yelled and cussed about it, so after my doctor said I was 'so cute' this morning, I downloaded the dash cam video to prove to myself that I am actually an asshole, and was very surprised to discover that all I said was "oh no”. I don't even know who I am anymore. Besides a person high on weightlifting stimulants who should be painting instead of word-vomiting their existential crisis on the internet.
In other news, Gavin is home! I have the complete set of children again, and it's a big relief. He forgot to bring clothes, his shoes were falling apart like bologna sandwiches, and he looked like a victim of the Waterloo Effect, but we hooked him up with new duds, a haircut, and a beard trimmer.
Surprised the kids by ordering a cheap PS4 copy of 'The Last of Us' for the old game console they never use (a friend gave it to them after an upgrade, and they realized pretty quickly that they'd rather spend their money on, like, suits of armor and boba tea). I was tired of hearing people complain about the game vs the show and decided it would be fun to try it out. We're going to have a family game day and I'll throw the controller at the boys for all the scary parts, just like I did in college when we would rent a console from Blockbuster and stay up all night playing Parasite Eve and Resident Evil. (Games are okay now and then, I just don't like it as a hobby. Better to spend 8000 hours on something like writing a novel or making art or fixing up an old car or printing arms for the chickens.)
Also, on Saturday we went to the symphony to listen to Studio Ghibli music, and Leif was playing air-piano on his knees along with the theme to Howl’s Moving Castle. The college girl sitting in front of us was so happy she cried when they started playing My Neighbor Totoro, and her boyfriend hugged her against his shoulder and kissed her head. A 10 year old in the next row was playing air-violin along with the score. It made my chest fill up with all the good feelings to see the young musicians so happy.
I am finishing the Scotland landscape paintings today. Any second now. They are going... landscapey. I think I am getting better at it, but I'm still in the throw-this-shit-out-the-window stage of the learning curve.
Here are some grapes I am working on, instead.
I’m still unhappy about work/money/marriage stuff, but our therapist told me to make concrete plans for change instead of just looking at cabins in the woods when I’m miserable at work, and that is helping. Something big has to change, I can’t do this for another 10 or 20 years. The largest stressor is work, so I'm starting with that.
(Edited to add: the workout supplements are mild and I only had half, I just don’t do caffeine anymore and was as wired as a squirrel for a couple hours, it’s not as bad as it sounds.)
A couple months ago, to prep for the whole landscape painting thing, I started painting tiny master copies on my lunch breaks at work. Then I got busy learning Blender and printing out tiny frames for them, thinking it might be fun for my library kids to paint on tiny canvases and then host a miniature gallery show at the end of the summer with everything framed. My brain REALLY did not like learning Blender after spending decades trying to forget my entire degree in computer animation, but I reignited the old brain connections like someone throwing breakers in an abandoned bunker.
Before leaving on vacation, I cleaned my desk and stashed all my art stuff. Got back to work this week (with the little framed paintings to show my coworker) and two mini easels were set up in the middle of my desk, each with a brand new mini canvas in a size larger than I normally get. None of my coworkers left them for me. Officemate says they appeared partway through my trip. The only other person who might know I paint these things is the nighttime security guard, who may have seen them while heating up their midnight hot pockets.
It is a mystery. I did start painting on one already, though. Thanks, secret patron of the arts.
The customs agents at LAX ain’t give a damn, they kept the line moving at a brisk trot. I was so tired that when the guy held up our passports like playing cards and said, “Quick! Where did you just come from?” I forgot. “The plane! No, Heathrow! Shit. Scotland? Where am I?” He waved us through.
Back home. Hello, cats. Hello, house. Hello, gnawing ball of anxiety that lives in my chest. I can’t sleep. Got up at 3am after lying in bed for a couple hours, made a cup of tea and went downstairs. Sat on my studio couch and started crying. I’m trying not to look too closely at why, just let it work itself out. Now I have a headache behind my eyes and still can’t sleep.
Going to look at my sloppy paintings, see what I can do with them, and think about what’s next.
No painting, no art, just a day enjoying the city, eating at cafes, shopping for chocolates and biscuits to bring home, and a stop into the kiltmaker’s. Mike has been wearing a hand-me-down kilt given to him by one of the old RSCDS instructors, and has always wanted to get one made just for him, but they’re as expensive as any hand-stitched men’s suit. Well, if not now, then when? He went through books of weaver samples with the tailor, chose the ancient hunting colors for his clan (each clan has several tartans; ancient, hunting, modern, and weathered, and they vary subtly from weaver to weaver with their dyes and size of the pattern), and in 7 weeks it’ll be finished and shipped home. He was so excited, it was nice to see.
Trying on sample kilts to see how the fabric swings in different weights
In the evening we packed our suitcases and went to Blackfriars for dinner and a last pint. A mob of young musicians bunched in with fiddles, guitars, a banjo, bodhran, and an accordion, and the pub kicked off. What is this feeling? Happy?
This morning we are eating the last of the frozen croissants and heading to the airport. Back to Heathrow, back to the Pacific Northwest LAX (I didn’t read my itinerary), back to the islands. I am going to absorb all the moisture in the air and plump like a sponge. It’ll be a Last Crusade in reverse.
Ready to be home with my kids, my cats, and my own bed. This wasn’t a romantic trip, and I’m not sure yet if it was a shot in the arm for our relationship, but it was what I needed - art, hiking, time alone to just be me. I feel like I’ve finally eaten a meal after living on instant noodles for a long time.
Fingers crossed my next update is from home and not from a detention center in British Columbia or something. I have decided to take it as a sign it’s time to leave if, you know, I’m chucked out of the country. Just roll with it.
I had the payoff. After struggling for another few hours with the damn trees, I dabbed in a little blue spot that looked right and my brain zinged. That’s why people paint; looking for that feeling when you lay down one color next to the other and it just looks right. It would have been nice for that mark to be bigger than a tiny blob in the background, but I’ll take it.
Fed up with trees, I started a second painting. This one was a big mess, but I liked the colors, and it got me painting in a way I don’t usually. It still looks aggravatingly as if I painted it, which is the worst. I only like my paintings if I can come back to them later and think, huh? How did that happen? The ones that somehow paint themselves are better.
Added a few more heads to my studies and then went out for a sloppy mess of haggis fries with gravy and a pint of cider. Good day.
I’m taking this last day off to sightsee, shop, and pack up. Ready to see my kids and sleep in a comfortable bed again.
