I’m not exactly sure why I’m blogging this, especially since
I blog so infrequently. It will likely be a bunch of rambling. So… recently
I’ve had a few trials of faith. Not so much in the gospel but faith in church.
It may seem like those are the same things, they’re not. I’ve never questioned
my testimony of the gospel. Of Christ’s sacrifice for us. Of the plan of
salvation/happiness. I believe that it is “all true.” I grew up with a
knowledge of the gospel and have been faithful to the gospel (with a few minor
mistakes and hang ups) my entire life.
OK so what’s the problem? Like I said, I feel that the
gospel and church are not synonymous terms. Lets rewind to last year in July.
Church was perfect! Well, not perfect, but it was going very well. We loved our
ward. We had so many friends and supportive people around us. We had an
especially great relationship with our bishop. We loved being involved in
church and even volunteered to be trek parents.
Then our world was changed. They redid the boundaries in our
stake. We were put into a different ward. Different building. Different bishop.
I know it sounds so stupid and trivial. I tried to convince myself that it was
trivial. It didn’t matter. It’s all the same. But that just wasn’t the case for
me. Slowly over the last year, I have become more and more bitter. I can always
think of reasons not to go to church, granted- I still go the majority of the
time but probably once every 4-6 weeks I just don’t feel like going, so I
don’t. I’m really not proud of this and
it’s really not like me.
Then, in the last few months, I have had a few very
upsetting experiences. I wont go into details, as it’s really not necessary.
But the result is I no longer participate in visiting teaching and I do not
currently have a calling. This has all been per my choice, no one else’s. I
feel ashamed. I feel like I can’t even be a productive member of the church
anymore. How is it that I fall so short
when it comes to church things? I hate the feeling. Then, I have had a few
coworkers/friends who have chosen not to be a part of the church anymore, for
various reasons. I can’t help but wonder what I am even doing going to church
anymore… taking up a seat on the bench. Perhaps I should just stay home. Have
another day to myself. Avoid these negative situations that I have been placed
in. So what gives? Why not?
Every time I have this conversation with myself, this inner
debate, the same thought comes to my mind. I admit, I’ve never been super
awesome about watching and studying general conference talks but one stood out
to me years ago. It was given in April
2007 by Neil L Anderson. The talk is entitled, “It’s true, isn’t it? Then what
else matters?” I reread the talk before posting this but before re-reading it,
I couldn’t have told you a thing about the talk. All I need is the title. No
matter how much “church” lets me down, the gospel is still true. I still have a
testimony. I could not and would not ever deny that. Also, no matter what
personal trials and struggles I am having right now, I don’t want my kids to
suffer. I want them to go to church and to have a testimony of the gospel. So I
will suck it up and do what I need to do, to make sure that happens. Regardless
of how I’ve been hurt, my family will always come first. So… because it IS true…
nothing else matters.
