Sometime, I wonder is there a same person, gazing upon the same sky that we all share at this moment of time, feeling the same way as I am.
Time can takes away the space that you have; time can ease away the feeling and empty your heart; Yet time can never erase the memory.
We can neither reboot life, nor that we can walk away from it. We just need to keep going on. I need to keep moving on.
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Time flies, it’s been four months since my arrival to this state. I’ve completed my first posting. Throughout this 4 months, it reminded me a lot of incidents.
I remember the time when I’m fighting so hard to enter medical school, It was not easy. I almost landed myself in a field where I don’t even have any interest at all. If its not for a person who left the medical programmed, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Finally, I managed to enter and its midway of my first year, I hit the bottom rock. It was indeed a difficult time because I have to give up 3 years of efforts. Even if its my own decision to give it away, believe me, it was not easy, because we are all human beings with emotions. Once cherish, it will take a great deal of emotional breakdown to give it away. I live in pain, live in sorrows and almost went through pathological grief. I am really grateful for I have family and friends to support me. I managed to pull it through. It took 2 years to mend a broken heart.
Never in mind I will go through the same process again. The impact is ten thousand time worse, the repercussion is beyond imagination. First was in the first year of medical school and coincidentally for now it happen in the first posting of my working life. Kubler Ross described the cycle for grief. 5 stages – Denial, Anger,Bargain, Depression, Acceptance. After a struggling period, here I am in stage 5, the final stage.
” Sitting in the airplane, looking out to the window, the sky is so wide, azure blue sky. I used to sit beside the window, having different feelings few months back, yet today, its a whole new set of feelings. The pleuritic-like chest pain, it started as continuous throughout days and nights, until now, it has shift to intermittent in character. “
” Travelling down the same route, it reminded me how it was like years back. For now, what’s left is just vague images and a new set of feelings”
I’m quite an emotional type of person. It can be good and at the same time, it can be detrimental. Denying the truth, Angry for going through the same process, bargain for an impossible hope and possibility, depress for knowing it will never be the same again and finally accept as how it is. It’s a painful process but knowing in the future, when I look back, it will be different again, because we grow up as time goes by, we progress as time goes by.
Question was being posed to me, “Will you still made the same decision if given a choice again?” Honestly, there can never be any answer to it. I’ve landed myself in this situation, for what had taken place, I must take it and move forward. I won’t lie to myself, at times, I will still give away to emotion, I will still breakdown. But, knowing towards the end, time will speak on behalf on me, time will act on behalf of me. I suppose, The Road Not Taken, precisely describe my answer to the questions being asked.
It will be a brand new day tomorrow with new posting coming in, There’s no more time to stop and wait for life continue. Stage 5 will end soon. Looking up to the sky, I smile. Tomorrow will be a better day. I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learnt throughout the posting, I’m grateful for all turmoil of emotion and incidents which had taken place. One day, I will eventually reach the state where I’m able to smile over it, and give my blessings. That’s the wrap of my first posting.
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人生中有时候有很多的无奈。过去的将近两个月的时间，都把自己沉淀得很低出。人生至今，可谓伤得最重的一次，那心脏撕裂般的感受，有始至终也只有自己能体会。我相信每个人的一生，总会有那么一次的重伤。无数的夜里，白天，饭前，饭后，都以泪洗脸，这样的日子也过了将近两个月。记忆犹新，每一个记忆里的点，都活深深的在脑海里不断的重复。难怪，回忆可以很美好，也可以把你往无底洞里推一把，而你也不懂何时会落地。
事实上是自己为自己带来了很多的苦和痛。可以很潇洒的挥挥衣袖的离开，然而我却选择了最残酷的方式对待自己。固执带来了坚持，也同时带来了痛苦。我都很固执。纵使事实已经摆在眼前，也都不愿意接受，反而说出了好多理由，自欺欺人。原来此刻的放手，我却无法踏出那一步。心中还是期盼着会改变，期盼着变质了的那颗心。在那一刻的我，我坦诚，我会为了坚持而宽恕，为了坚持而接受。
昨日，情绪的波动到了极点，到了一个心灵上也不能承受的一个点。我把自己推到了无底深渊。歇斯底里的嚎啕大哭，差点也把那颗脆弱的心给哭出来了。我的外表可以看似坚强，但是，其实此时此刻我很脆弱。努力经营了两年的事，最终还是要把手放开。努力的捍卫，努力的挣扎，最后都是功亏一贵。最爱的也是伤得最重的。
今天，终于肯静下来，重新第一次整理自己的思绪。真的是第一次。我们不可能改变他人的想法，也不可能想让他人珍惜自己。都是有血有泪的人，才会有今天的伤感与悲痛。原来，我忘了当初自己对医学的热诚，也忘了人生的目标，同时也忘了自己最喜爱的一切活动。能身为医者，是我一生的梦想，我很想取之社会，用之社会。了解我的，都回懂得我那颗心。每当看到别人的痛苦，生活的苦，病痛的苦，我不禁会深感伤痛。为了这两年，我放弃了自己的理想，也放弃了自己的热诚。我可以很轻易放下热诚与梦想，只为了捉住这段。回想起来，我好久没有回馈社会了，好久没有参加义务活动了。我忘了自己的本分。这一次的伤痛，我很自私的把医务给忘了。
沉淀了许多，发现原来他是生命中的一个过客。两年的过客。是时候放下了，不想再伤害自己和身边的家人与朋友的关心。很感激这一切的发生，感激这个过客为我带了的智慧，让我体会了从来都没有想过的悲痛。对于生命，原来我始终都没能足够的体会。今天，走过了当初的痕迹，那份伤感也渐渐的减少了。身心的疲惫，减少了。最终，释放自己的，也只有自己。如果可以选者，我其实连美好的回忆也不想把他留下。原谅我的脆弱，我真的不想留下那部分美好的回忆。
不再向后望了。是时候，向前走下去。咬紧牙根，都必须走下去。我永远不会忘了这几个月的伤痛和悲痛。感情里，没有对与错，只有宽恕和包容。了解了这个道理，再也不会深感遗憾。抚心自问，是真的用尽了力量捍卫，保护，于付出，若是不能被体会，那就放手。所有的指责，所有的痛苦，时间总会让这一切被体会。潇洒的走下去。总会有个了解与珍惜自己的人。
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“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” ~ By Paulo Coelho
It was a long day in operating theater. She was the last case for us. No one expect she will deteriorate the next day. She is a young lady and was electively admitted for the operation. Who would have know, that was her last decision in her life.
The next day, all of the sudden, she had shortness of breath, with oxygen saturation level 80% despite with the aid of ventimask. She kept deteriorate, even with replacement of ventimask to high flow mask, her oxygen saturation level barely reach 75%. Subsequently, we had to intubate her in the ward in view of impending respiratory collapse. Her condition worsen. Blood pressure was unrecordable at times and all the peripheries were cold. She was then put on first inotrope. We were all puzzled because no one foresee a young patient could collapse all of the sudden with no comorbidities.
Sadly, she never progress well. 2 more inotropes were added, yet blood pressure still at borderline. The bad news was breached to her husband. He appeared calm, expressionless. I was so puzzled. I couldn’t help but to wonder why wouldn’t anyone be in tremendous shock and sad when they are receiving the bad news. Why is he so expressionless and emotionless?
The next day when I came to the ward, I realized she had passed off. I was told that her husband was crying out loud at that point of time. He was angry no one in the ward could save his wife. I stopped and reflect. The truth is no one on this earth share similar grief process. We used to think cry and emotional breakdown are the appropriate response towards bad news. When we saw the husband for the first time, we thought he was emotionless, without feelings towards his wife who was in critical illness. In fact, what we are doing is merely judging him by using our parameters.
We are human being with feelings, with conscience. For once we have this intact, for everything that takes place, there’s definitely a response towards it, especially departure of a human being. It’s indeed a sad news to everyone of us, for a young lady passed off. A moment of silence for her, may she rest in peace and may her family blessed with the courage to move on.
I keep wonder, keep ponder, what is life without emotions and conscience. It will be a cold place to live. No doubt, too much emotion can be detrimental at times, but what is life without feelings penetrating to our inner part of soul. To able to experience life, not only just sweetness, but bitter and pain, it takes a lot of courage.
Dedicated to my family and friends
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Dedicated to my family and friends, thank you for your unconditional support during this period
I decided it would be the last day I shed the tears for this incident. Of all the hurtful events and memories which took place, its time for a rest.
The wound is wide open, definitely breach the basement membrane, definitely will leave behind a scar, hopefully without any keloid. I wouldn’t say its does not hurt even if I move on, in fact, it hurts a lot. It will be a tough healing process, in between I might break down again. However, I know towards the end, everything will be alright, its leading to a better place.
To me, there’s no hatred in love. I would rather choose to forgive than to live in hatred for the rest of my life. I was angry at the first place, thousands of emotion swirling around the heart when the truth was revealed. Rounds and rounds of tears falling down. And I told myself, it’s enough, its more than enough. To love a person, to care for a person, I pour all out without holding back. Today, its not being felt, what more can I do, but to say its more than enough, I’ve been crying for more than enough.
Faith and fate has taken a toll. I am really tired, indeed tired.
As of now onward, there will be no more tears but smile. Smile towards a better life 🙂 I’ve given the best that I could afford. I know in future when I look back at this moment, I would have no regrets but feeling grateful as this period is over and I’ve been a stronger person.
I’ve always said, forgive is the best way to move on. Blessings is all I can give
To the future you, thank you for waiting patiently.
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Hospital, the place of live and death. Every seconds there will be people pass out their last breath; there will be new born crying out for the first breath on their first day in this world.
In the ward, I am lucky enough to see miracle taking place. Mr Pang, was in critical condition, underwent numerous operation, intubated. The bad prognosis was told to his family members. At that point of time, they were told that, anytime he could just succumb to his illness. Nobody thought he could made it, really, I don’t even think he could.
Mr Pang’s family members, are really close knit and loving. Despite the bad prognosis, you could see them accompanied him every single day, with the positive mind and energy. May it was just a single movement by Mr Pang, it’s more than enough for them to be thankful for.
Love must have been the powerful potion of all, it must have touch the heart of God. Mr Pang, manage to get out from intubation, he manage to survive and progress well.
Looking at them everyday, it reminds me of live. Do not forget to live, do not forget to hope. For every seconds of living, it’s worthwhile for us to be thankful. Be tough, be strong, life is about living.
Miracle, do happen when you believe in it.
P.S. Dedicated to you, L, Thank you for the supports and blessings.
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I guess as life goes one, it always manage to find one special way to teach us a lesson. As long as we are able to appreciate the lesson given, we will grow up to become a better person.
Recently, I’ve paid a visit to a good old gentleman in the hospital. He had an unfortunate diagnosis. Looking at him, it just brought back the old memories which was kept nicely in one tiny part of my hippocampus. The time where we shed some tears seeing a healthy person, from cheerful towards soul-less, from well-built towards emaciated. It’s not that easy to forget the bitter part of the incident despite the fact that we always say time is the great healer. Looking at this old gentleman, I can’t help but to feel the sadness when the little kids were bidding their goodbyes to him. They seemed to be bidding it in an innocent, care-free way. How on earth will they know whether that might be the last …….. It’s just too hard to even type it out.
This visit made me realised that not only the sick patient is going through a roller-coaster life, their living family no doubt are in the same situation. We always say to the patient, be positive, everything will be fine, have faith and believe in miracle! How many of us can really understand the deepest part of their sadness? How many of us can decipher it? I can’t help but to think, what is our role? Looking at the old gentleman, it made me felt that nobody on earth will understand what is it to feel like, to lie down on the bed in the hospital, facing groups of relatives and close one, not knowing when will be the last picture that your eyes feast on, not knowing when will be the last feeling that your sensory receptors are able to pick up, this can only be understood if you are the one lying there.
Appreciate what we have, we might not know when is the last second of life.
Prayers to the old gentleman. May God Bless You!
May God Bless Us Always!
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Something worth to read, worth to remind us all the time.
作家莎士比亚曾经写过：期望是唯一能够医治苦难的药物。我更加觉得当你悲伤的时候，期望就像一首能够安抚伤痛的音乐。能够达成期望当然是开心的事，但有时候我们的期望会违背其他人的愿望，难免要作出取舍，放弃哪个期望都需要付出代价，但是除了你自己，没有人会告诉你因该如何抉择。
有些期望可能与你无关，你不懂为何有些人愿意牺牲性命也要追求一些不会有结果的期望，但若用心感受，你便能学会：每个期望或轻或重都是值得尊重的。
可是不论期望带给你安慰，快乐还是伤心，能够希望与被期望都是幸福的事，因为我们还生存着，就算有多少个期望落空，我们也可以有新的期望，直至生命的最后一刻。
To quote from Shakespeare: The miserable have no other medicine but only hope. I felt when you are sad; hope is like a soul-calming music. To be able to achieve our hope is something to be glad of, nonetheless, if our hope is build on the basis of betrayal upon others, we have to give and take, it takes a price for either of it to be given up. However, nobody is there to tell you on which decision to be made, except you.
There may be some hope which are irrelevant to you, you might not understand why certain people would sacrifice willingly, even if it mean by taking a toll on their lives, for hope which may not be fruitful. However, if you are willing to open up your heart and listen to them, you will learn that: For every hope, no matter how tiny or great it is, it is all respectable one.
No matter how much comfort, happiness or sadness your hope brings to you, we are all consider the happiest one to be able to hope and be in one of these hope, it is because we are still breathing every second. Who cares if there are thousand and thousand of hopes which might be turn down, we are still standing a chance for casting a new hope until the very second of our life 🙂
Original quote by On Call 36 Hours
Translation by TM
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I dislike the way I had to start my post with a long and dragging sentence of how it’s been ages I never update my blog. Well I guess I am still doing it despite it. I remembered how I wanted so much to update or add a new post right after every posting ended. Its been 3 minor posting and 1 partially major posting that I’ve been completed so far and I am doing nothing on my blog! And the fact which make this post even hilarious is I am going to vent out all my rants!
It’s the end of community medicine posting! I am so glad that times move so fast, it is as if the earth spins twice its speed compare to the usual one. I’m sure majority of people will squeeze their face into as small as they could when they heard community medicine, this is how community medicine leave an impression on us. It’s indeed an important subject, but it’s not the subject that I loathe, it’s the people in the posting which make it worse for us!
I am going to say it’s quite a fortunate event for us to get the chance to a district which is located miles away from SP. We got to learn for the past 3 weeks in the district health office. However(here come the word “BUT”), it was quite irritating, or I rather said it is very irritating to have a lecturer who does not believe in every answer which were told by us. Well, a nickname was even came out especially for this particular lecturer, namely Social Irritant (SI)! I am very sorry to say this but when you got to know the irritant action by this lecturer, you will probably agree with us.
Reason 1: Those who sat beside SI will have to be a translator. It’s alright to translate for SI, it’s actually something which we are willing to help for a person who does not understand a foreign language. However, in return for the translation, SI will need the translator to ask tonnes of question! What make it worse is with the phrase, “You ask and see”. You might probably said, its not that bad, well just imagine the phrase times 3 for each and every question! As a result, I am at the verge of punching SI’s face when this phrase kept repeat in numerous time, urging me to ask something which I’ve been explaining to him/her clearly earlier.
Reason 2: SI would definitely like to throw a lot of question to us. Its part of the learning process no doubt with all these questions. However, for some questions which were asked for the sake how seeing how stupid we look truly destroy the true meaning of learning. Why? Because for every question which you answered (even though its correct!), you will get a smirk or a crooked smile (this is how stupid you are) in return. I guess there is no more hilarious than the fact that the answers which were given by us was correct and still being corrected in SI’s own way.
Reason 3: For a field trip, we are expecting interesting experiences. However, came to the part where questions which was asked and that were never trusted by SI, this certainly gave us some hair-plucking moment! “What is this?”, “This is a filtration site” , This whole process times 3! It was until one of my group mate stared to lose his/her patience!
So will you agree to us that SI is perhaps a good way of greeting?
On the other hand, during my presentation, I virtually raise my voice against another lecturer (as told by my group mates). I guess I left my manners behind when I went to school that particular day. Well, it was quite a frustrating moment when something which had been told is true become untrue for this particular lecturer and he/she only wants his/her own answer to be told.
I apologise if I sounded so rude but again, this is a rant! Haha!
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I realised a weird pattern of behaviors or I rather said a paradoxical behaviors. As we get older in age, our thoughts get more complicated. Back to the time when we were still a kid, our view may be as simple as 123 or abc. To quote an example, a smile on the face of others.
Children: This person is so friendly :D!
Adult: A sudden smile? Nothing comes without strings attached! What is his/her up to???
Well, not to say a little bit of thinking is not doing any good at time, but sometime too much of thinking will place a lot of burden in your mind that you are unable to be analytical. Thus, appropriate thinking is wise, too much of thinking become suspicious.
Some would say children are so naive, I would rather said they are simple. The beauty of simplicity is what we should learn to appreciate and apply in our daily life. I feel apologetic towards my cerebrum as I placed a hectic, unnecessary task for her everyday.
I heard a meaningful true story yesterday, about a 8-year-old boy who has acquired lower limb malformation which rendered him unable to ambulate himself. He had to rely on his mother to carry him to school everyday! They live in poverty. There were once one of the volunteer asked him what does he want the most? He said, “Please give me horse so I can ride to school everyday and my mother won’t have to carry me around” Such a simple, direct yet soul-touching response. He is not naive in fact. He is a bright child who is portraying the beauty of simplicity. We are once as simple as the boy. Sadly, how many of us still remained the same as how we used to be? I doubt myself in this.
We refuse to open up our mind and speak from the bottom of our heart. I value people who are able to speak truthfully. I am still learning to be simple, to stay away from complicated events and thoughts, to be able to speak up my feeling to the person I care.
I will be able to achieve it! Have faith!
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Potty
Doc.Potty 