September 14, 2011 · 2:51 pm

Days of volunteering

Today marked the third day of my volunteering work in Tzu Chi as a photographer and writer (yeah, apparently now I can be a so-called photographer). This volunteering work took place at a dialysis center in Penang. Everyday, I was assigned to a patient with the aim to elicit and share their stories.

A year spent at hospital definitely take a toll on me. Literally, I undergone metamorphosis, which is from an emotional person towards becoming a numb-hearted person. I used to sob after seeing ill patient at the hospital. Now, it took hours perhaps? or it could be a totally-no-feeling-at-all person. Thus, when I landed myself at the dialysis center, the urge to write each and every story of them gradually weakened because I doubt my ability in eliciting and sharing their stories! Well, luckily I have a guardian of angel! Haha!

Allow me to express my feelings in Chinese words (I’m sorry if some of you might not be able to understand):

当慈济志工的这三天来，我充分地体会了许多人生的道理。在尝试拍下人人真，善，美的同时，我恍然意识到，其实人间还是充满着温情。因为社会非凡的进步，人们为了力争上游而违背了做人的道理，我原是觉得大家都是出于攻与利的状态。非常不喜欢这种想法！可是，很感恩的是，这三天来让我改变了这个想法。

聆听肾友细述他们的经历时，常会听到他们曾经自问为何上天偏偏选择了贫穷的人们来受尽病痛的苦难。其实，当时的我也不解所思。然而再仔细聆听了师姑 (guardian of angel XD)的解说后，我渐渐地了解生命的真理。生生灭灭，凡事都是有因与果。种下了什么因，就会得到什么样的果。虽然很无奈地被病痛给盯上，但是换个角度来想，既然已经不能改变事实，为何不尝试改变自己的心态来积极地面对疾病？不应该觉得懊恼而一直转牛角尖，这样最终会困在一个圈圈里头。改变心态是很艰难，可是它不是一件不可能的事。其中一位肾友的乐观深深地打动了我。

“信善要及时，孝顺要及时” 我对当义工的意念是想借由自己的一双手，在自己的能力范围内帮助需要帮助的人。很常听到师姑说，一切皆是空。起初是很不明白其中的道理。但是，渐渐的我了解了在我们生活中的一切，其实原本是来自于没有的起点。意味着不要太过于执着一样事物，因为万物皆是空。把握当下，就是用心了！

Thank You for every experience! 感恩!

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September 9, 2011 · 4:34 pm

Something like this

I never want to talk about this. However, today, at this moment, I wanted to capture my own thoughts and feelings and put it into words. A rush of adrenaline? Perhaps, it is.

The truth is I am afraid of being alone at time. It is quite ironical as all the while I’ve been trying my best to portray as the opposite. Not most of the time though 😀 Sometime a little bit of time being alone is good for yourself as you can think better. One thing I can be sure of is I am dealing with this feeling way better than how I used to be. I guess this is something that I should be grateful for, aha!

If I tell you I am alright after all its been 2 years long, I might be way too confident about myself. Haha! The scar was healed but sometime it will seer with a little bit of pain undeniably. There is no perfect way of making the scar disappear unless you erase ones memory. Thus, it depends on how we are going to handle the scar in future, whether to cry along with it or to reminisce how far you’ve come from and how strong you have grown into. This part of memory hurts at time because true efforts were being poured once upon a time. Those days with tears and sadness is something that will remind me of how far I’ve come from and it certainly mark the journey of becoming a better, mature person.

Today after the event, as funny as it may sound like, I felt like a 剩女! Well to my surprise, neither that I felt pathetic nor frustrated with this particular thought. I used to get very frustrated and impatient because I fear of being ended up alone in the end. There are even friends who told me not to be so choosy and just get along with the one who is just in front of me. Haha! That’s really not my principle 😀

I used to think that the ending matter the most. For now, I realised that, the process of waiting is something which I should value the most (of course, ending still matters). I am holding on to my faith that one day I will definitely meet the destined-one. This person should be someone who is mature and caring, 细心.

For this very moment, I want to be grateful for the fact that I am no longer rushing and hoping this process of waiting to be hasten up. I want to be grateful for the fact that I understand that this feeling which was once casted by me, hoping that it will work, is no longer the same, for I know from the bottom of my heart that, it’s not something that was meant to be 😀

Thank You!

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September 3, 2011 · 7:49 am

P.S. I Love You

I’ve been saving this book to read right after my final examination (well eventually I can’t resist my inner urge and finish it just before my practical exam)

I really like Cecelia Adhern. I admire her modern style of fairy tales. Some of us might not even think it is possible for these stories to happen in real life and its hilarious to even give a chance to read it. For some people who do love these stories, its alright! It’s because we don’t get it often in real life, hence we are resorting ourselves to these fairy tales in novels. For me, I am a firm believer of fairy tales (laugh as much as you want but I am not going to change the fact).

Today, I’ve finally finished the whole novel. I am going to say, it’s definitely a worth-reading novel even though at certain point, there are some heart-wrenching moments.

To quote a paragraph in the novel which I found it exceptionally meaningful which I should be kept it in mind always:
“Finding someone you love and who loves you back is a wonderful thing, wonderful feeling. But finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling. A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you for ever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts for ever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after they’re gone”
It is true that to find someone we love and who loves us back is a wonderful thing because who would ever imagine in a sea of million and million of people out there, two people would felt the same way for each other. This is even beyond the calculation of the brilliant mathematician in the world. Don’t you think so? Thus, it’s even luckier if we found a soul mate because soul mate would imply someone who truly know you the most and compliment you the most as well 😀

We might fall out of love for once in our lifetime. Or I should correct it, most of us will fall out of love for once in our lifetime. Some of us will be experiencing love for a short period and fall out of it, and we got upset for getting back into love again. “Sometimes love was cruelly taken away too soon, but it’s what you did with it that counted, not how long it lasted” If we are able to digest this, we will never fall out of love 🙂 Just because it ended too soon, we gave up on embracing the memories that we created once a upon a time.

Life is for living. Life goes on no matter how reluctant you don’t want it to. So let’s try our best to live everyday to the fullest. Whatever lay ahead, just open up your heart and follow where it led you 😀

Shoot for the moon and if you miss you’ll still be among the stars 😀

P.S. I Love You

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August 8, 2011 · 2:01 pm

Thoughts

The usage of my frontal lobe and limbic system have been increased dramatically especially, recently. Part of the usage I would like to blame it on the exam season of course although the truth is, it’s not so much of it.

I realised being too emotional is not a good thing and I am doing exactly what I’ve been saying. I came across a terminally ill patient recently. I thought it would be easy to be emotional detached considering that I am in the field of medicine, where we have to face live and death throughout our careers. There was once when I used to be a volunteer in a day-chemotherapy ward in a cancer hospital. During that time, I was handling the “truth of life” well that I never felt emotionally drained as how I was this time. Perhaps, it was because this terminally ill patient is one of the person that I’ve known for a long time.

I can’t help but to think how could a person who used to be so healthy, lively, actively participating in every activities became how he/she is right now? Every visit I paid to him/her reminded me of how lively he/she used to be. Those images will keep playing in my mind. It’s a very heart-broken images to be recalled of.

I remembered how I kept on reminding my mum not to shed a tears in front of the patient and yet ironically enough that, I was the one who shed the tears. It was the second last visit where we knew by heart that it was almost similar to a bidding-farewell-session. When he/she passed a photo journal which was specially made by his/her children to us, every single page that we flipped through is a power stimulus to the lacrimal glands. That was when I realised that we are all human being with EMOTIONS. No matter how well we try to held our feelings, the emotional part will eventually conquer us provided we have built a connection with that particular person from the bottom of the heart. I had to admit that I cried like a child asking for ice-cream from his parents. We gave each other a hug towards the end of the conversation. There were no precise words to describe how I felt at that moment. During the last visit, the patient was not able to recognise the people around him/her because he/she was in great deal of suffering from pain. This was what brought me to think about the issue regarding euthanasia.

“If you had a terminally ill patient in great deal of suffering, will you offer euthanasia to that patient?” This was the question ponder in my mind. Will you? I believe there is no exact line drawn between what is right and what is wrong in this issue. What we felt its ethically right may not be right from humanitarian aspect; What we felt its right for the patient may not necessarily be right for them. Perhaps, a good discussion with your patient before his or her critical condition arise will be one of the option. Patient is the ultimate decision-maker.

This experience inspired me from viewing the perspective of life. Life is really unpredictable, we might not know what is going to happen next. Hence, its important to appreciate and cherish every moment to the maximum. Sometime, whatever challenges I came to face with is almost nothing compared to what the patient is going through. What they are dealing with is life at stake while what I am dealing with is merely a small incident. I am grateful for the fact that we are still able to bid a proper goodbye to the patient when he/she is still in his/her conscious mind. Do what you are supposed to do without any delay. You have to say what is in your heart even though people might not understand or feel the same way as you did.

Thank You God for everything that you bless us with :D!

Thank You :D!

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August 4, 2011 · 2:29 pm

My Name

Well, here I am, in the middle of exam season, I am still able to sit and write a simple post 😛

As the title of the post suggested, yes, it would be concerning about my name. I think the most Frequently Asked Questions I got in my life so far would be “How come you have a name with only 2-words?!” To save my energy to explain it, today I will explain it in detail! Aha!

Well, the fact is, the original name which my parents gave before I was born is a name for a boy. Yeah, yeah, my parents expected me to be a boy (probably they expected so much that, I am lacking some of the feminine characteristic! haha). I recalled my mum explaining that when my dad got to know that I was a girl, his first response was “the ship had sunk!”. Even I was amused with such response! Subsequently, I realised that it was because my dad felt that being a girl is always easily bullied by others. I guess my dad won’t have to worry about that now since I’m being so boyish 😀

Continued my explanation~ After I was born, there was only a limited time for them to choose a name before the registration of the birth certificate. Hence, my dad brilliantly came out with just one name for me, Min! Perhaps my parents were running out of words as they eventually telling me that, its simple, nice and it can be easily remembered!

So the answer is being revealed! At time, I got so tired of explaining my name to people that eventually I quote the phrase from my mum “its simple, easy and easily remembered!”.  Despite the fact that I’m tired of answering this question, I still enjoy certain situation related to my name. Etc: Everytime during some registration, on the name column, the registrar will wait for the third word. So every time there will be a brief silence when their face is full with question marks, puzzled! It was interesting no doubt!

Sometime my dad tell me, I am being so lucky that all of my friends and people surrounding me, used to greet me with my full name. Generally, it will be rude to greet people with their full name unless in a formal presentation, otherwise it will be an opening phrase for an angry person 😀

Apart from the question-related-to-my-name, I have quite a number of way of people greeting me with, namely Ah Min, Min, Tham Min, Xiao Min, Aminah, Mimi etc. Of course, the one I loathe the most is Mimi! How on earth will people think of that way to call me! Well, its true that it will be hard for people not to call me by my full name since it’s just a 2-wording-name. I had to admit that it sounds weird for people to call me Min, especially those who are not so close to me 😀 So basically, Min is reserved for those who are a close friend or family members to me 😀 Recently, I got a new one too which is quite special, haha! I guess that will be the only person who will call me that way 😀

So enough of my craps, got to go!

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July 16, 2011 · 6:42 am

Random thought

The truth is, I will be remaining at how I feel right now for some time. I’ve reached a point where I felt it doesn’t matter how the thing will work out eventually in future. I’m no longer rushing to the destination that I’ve always will and always wanted to at the very beginning when the thing started.

I started to believe time can change a person. Time is a very powerful transformation agent if you want me to describe its role. I remember I mentioned before in my previous post, no matter how strong a feeling or emotion you are in, with time goes on, you will able to experience how amazing time is in changing your emotion or feeling towards an even stronger one or a weaker one. That’s why I said, a feeling which can withstand the changes of time, is the truly strong feeling that you should value of.

I’m not in a hurry anymore. Well, it certainly doesn’t mean I gave up. I appreciate the journey and the process of it. Nothing is affecting my normal routine and my goals. It is a healthy feeling that I finally manage to achieve after years of learning.

I know it will be turn out to be 😀 So at the mean time, let the nature take its course.

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July 8, 2011 · 2:55 pm

Second chance

I’ve been basically neglecting my blog for like weeks, and here I am came back with such a title- Second Chance. I sounded quite old lately, well I blame my inner self or part of my frontal lobe for leading me to this thought after attending the Joint Conference in HK.

How many of us will get a second chance in our life, this is especially imply in the most important thing in our life? I am really lucky to have always been given a second chance. There are no exact words to describe how grateful I am.

Life is always a bliss. There are ups and certainly there are downs as well. I don’t know where these weird feelings of mine came out today, perhaps it was my Student ID card which brought me to this deep thought. From 2008 until now, I have come from such a long way. From a know-nothing-and-weak junior until now a talkative (well, I’ve always been that, hehe) and crazy 3rd year medical student. Medical education is such a long journey, 5 years of education!!! In this long journey, most of us, AT LEAST will get lost in the journey once.

I remember how weak my inner strength was when I first stepped into my university. Even before casting my foot into the university, I’ve been through a rollercoaster-style of life. Tears and tears and tears filled my days when I thought that I may never get a seat into medical education. Later on in my first year of medicine, I lost in direction again. I almost forgot how hard it was to get into medical education and how much I wanted to be in it because something happened. It was quite a childish act of mine during that time in response to that “something”. I really appreciate my family efforts in coping the downside with me. One month later, I am able to walk over the obstacles. I’ve learnt a lot from it and I swear I never will go back to that pathway again. This is the first second chance that I’ve been given. Thank You Mom! Thank You Dad! Thank You Bro!

I’ve always use to think that there is a purpose in our everyday life. A task, a special task each and everyday given by God in order to access our living skills. Will we be able to learn from the past and handle things better on the next encounter? This is the key point.

Recently, I came across another same encounter. I wouldn’t want to shed more lights on which encounter it was 😀 Let it be an itchiness in your mind that you may never find out the exact location. Aha! It was again, a second “second chance” given to me. In fact, it was quite a challenge to me whether I am able to handle it perfectly from what I’ve learnt from the past. It’s almost the same situation as before, the only difference is it’s not the Tham that I used to be from the past.

After a thorough consideration and thinking, I would like to take down this task. I don’t know how well I will be able to handle it, but I will make sure I give my 100% of efforts. To able to remain rational and not being carried away is the objective of the task. I would like to tell you that, I will try my best to make it a success no matter how slim the chances are because we are all in this together 😀

Let the nature take its course. Future is too wide to be predicted. We will never know what is waiting ahead of us. The only thing we could do is to give our very best and live the present to the fullest. Never forget our responsibility to ourself, our parents and our loves one 😀

Thank You Very Much For The Second Chance!

 

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June 17, 2011 · 12:36 pm

Views

I have millions of thoughts in my mind to be ranted out. Strangely, here I am, same as before, facing the keyboards and I just could not make the thoughts into sentences. Well, this time I promise myself, I should try my very best to lay out the thoughts properly into words.

The truth is, people are all ugly. Forgive me if this does not suits your eyes or ears. When people got older and older as time passes by, eventually, they will learn more about themselves. Its ironic, isn’t it? We assume we know ourselves better than any others out there, but the fact suggest the opposites. I used to think that there are no ugly people in this world. And as for this moment, I have to turn against my own beliefs.

There is this one saying in the chinese proverbs, “the longer time that you used to spend with a person, the more you will learn about him/her”.  I had to agree with this proverb. I don’t know whether you came to realise about this cycle- On the initial stage of be-friending a person, even a slight point which you found similar to yourself, be it of just some slight similarity such as having the same opinion in some issues, having the same flavours for ice-cream, even having the one of the same colour of undergarments, you will find this person is so amazing! Believe it or not, this is true! As time goes by, when this honeymoon period is over, you started to pick over some attitude you saw at this person. It can even be the attitude that you like in the beginning of the be-friending cycle. Strange, isn’t it? Towards the end, you might realise, this is totally not the kind of person that you want to know of.

Hypothesis put forward by me: Your own assumptions is clouding your judgements.
Explanation for the hypothesis: At the beginning of the cycle, when you realised one small spark that you like about a person, you set up an assumption for your mind-this person is quite nice. With this assumption, your mind lead your eyes to look for the things that you like in this particular person. Naturally, you will feel more sparks with this person. Because of this initial assumptions, you are more cling towards be-friending him/her. As time goes by, of course, this chemical reaction or should I say positive reinforcement which your assumption imparts on your mind ceased off. This is the point where you started to see the negative attitudes you fail to identify from the beginning. As more of the negative attitudes are being discovered, you started to realise that this is not the person that you would want to befriended with. The truth is, these “late-discovery” of the bad attitudes were there at the very beginning! Can you see how infectious it is your assumption?

People are all ugly. There are no perfect person in this world. When conflict arises, people tend to protect themselves and this is when their true-self is being showed. This true-self is there all the time. It is just that without some triggering factors, it remained in hibernation mode.

From my point of view, there are a few classification of ugly people, and of course I’m referring to their inner self. Firstly, people who are ugly and fail to recognise themselves as one; Secondly, people who are ugly and know that they are ugly themselves and felt its alright to be like that; Thirdly, people who are ugly and instead of acknowledge themselves as one of them, they try to ignore it and accusing others for being ugly. With this 3 categories being lay down, which of it that you felt is the severe one? If you were to ask me, I will tell you that being an ignorance, an idiot, and a hypocrite are actually of no difference, they are all being ugly.

When self-conflicts arises, this is a good time for you to learn about the true-self of a person.

Instead being a commentator, I choose to be an observer. I came to realise, silence is gold. When I look back, I appreciate how far I’ve come along and I never regret coming to the place where I am right now.

The world and people might upset you but never let this affect you and turning yourself into one of them.

I never want to work hard to show who I am to others, I rather let the time to do its work.

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May 13, 2011 · 2:20 pm

Life Is Like A Roller-Coaster

Life is like a roller-coaster and I’m not talking about the song by Ronan Keating 😀 Sitting in the roller-coaster, climbing high up in the air, the moment you feel you are on top of the world, that’s when a sudden sliding take place, bringing you to the bottom part. There might be a lot of high up and deep down experiences when you take the ride. Well, isn’t it truly portraying our every-day life? The moment you decide to take the ride, you will have to take up the consequences on bearing the experiences. In fact, everyone in this world will have to go through this ride despite how reluctant you are to it. Some people are too keen to maintain the high-up position that they lose themselves once the ride plunge down; While some people wanted to sit on the down-side and refuse to climb up. To survive in this ride, you will have to take a balance.

I had quite some transitions for the past weeks. I realised sometime our own best intention could be the other way round for other people. No matter how much you try to explain this best intention, in others’ comprehension, it would meant the worse intention. Once speculation had been made, it’s quite hard to change how other view you. I thought after so many years of training, I would be able to handle it well. I had to say, I let myself down.

Sometime I would like to think that God is setting up a lot of challenges for me to take. If I get stronger and wiser, I will be able to survive no matter what obstacles which are ahead of me. It ain’t sweet for every challenge that hit me yet I am not afraid to take it up.

This week had been quite a lesson to me. I took the ride to the lowest point. The truth is, after this lowest point, there won’t be any lowest point for me anymore 😀 It’s hard to hope for people to change the way they think about you. If that’s what they meant to be, let it be. I believe in time.

Haha!

Thank You!

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April 30, 2011 · 6:57 am

Fairy Tale Wedding

Yes, Yes, I am referring to The Royal Wedding which had taken place recently, well in fact, it was yesterday! To people like us, it was truly a fairy-tale came true incidents. It is exactly what we always heard from the story book that we have read since small, “they live happily ever after”.

I believe the question of “Will this royal couple live happily ever after?” certainly pop out in our brain. It’s true that everyone was once terrified by the tragic death of Princess Diana which consequently invite a lots of questions regarding how the royal family would accept girls who are not born to be a princess to be part of their family members. It might sound cynical and absurd as to how we claimed ourselves to be civilised and living in this modern world, agree to recognise the importance of status.

I personally felt it would be much luckier and different for Kate, The Duchess of Cambridge. I sincerely believe both the Royal Couple will be able to create a happy ending to their fairy-tales. Looking back at time, 1981, where Princess Diana once married to Prince Charles. She had a different fate, different pathway, the more difficult and cumbersome one. During that time, the Royal Family was not as open-minded as what they were now to accept a girl-next-door to be part of their family. Hence, life was not a bed of roses for Princess Diana. There was once I heard a quote which sounded like this, “the people who has always smile the most in front of others, in fact are the saddest one from within”. Perhaps this would be the most accurate quote to describe my feeling towards Princess Diana.

As sang by Elton John in one of his songs, Candle In The Wind,
“And it seems to me you lived your life,
Like a candle in the wind,
Never knowing who to cling to,
When the rain set in”
I think it truly portray the feelings of the admirers of Princess Diana after her tragic death in 1997.

Followed the death of Princess Diana, millions of the heart of the admirers of Princess Diana were shattered. Her death invites the thoughts of “mistreated Princess by the Royal Family” into their heart. It is because the great charisma of Princess Diana which impart an excellent and touching impression on people, that we begin to feel that non-existence of fairy-tale between the royals and non-royals. As a result, people started to losing their faith on the monarchy system of United Kingdom.

The royal wedding of Prince William and Kate hence somehow play an important role to reunite and rebuild the faith of the people of United Kingdom to the monarchy system which had been practise way back then. With the acceptance of the Royal Family to their new member who is not born as princess, this mark the second opportunity for the Royal Family to prove their open-mindedness which were once tested.

Thus, it made me believe that Kate is definitely in a far-off-better position compared to Princess Diana. With other elements around, I am sure both the Royal Couple will be able to held their hands together and stay happily ever after.

Have faith with fairy-tales cause who know you might be next one 😀

Best wishes for the Royal Couples 😀

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