Marching

Since my Mother's Day melt down... Life has been busy.  Todd completed his 3rd and final year at UVA Law.  Graduation happened.  Here is proof.

The three years flew by really.  We are so proud of Todd.  He had a few weeks to relax before he buried himself in the preparation for the bar exam which he took, and passed.  In the two months after the bar exam and before he began work.  We enjoyed a beautiful week in the Berkshire Mountains in Massachusetts.  

Mid October Husband started to work in Washington D.C.  He rented a Town-home in Alexandria and we stayed in Charlottesville.  It was ... it was... I have no words.  How about this-? Do you remember this little piece?  More specifically all that poetic fluffy stuff about staying positive because it's all going to be ok.  Well the thing is when your following the new path- going over the bumps, blinded by the wind, burned by the sun etc.  It's just a little like marching.  You just keep going because you have to, but it becomes near impossible to remember that it's not as bad as it feels.  Honestly this is how life has been leading into the move until recently.  I will spare you all the details. Thankfully though we are in one of those places where it is time to rest up.  What changed?  Well for me it was stumbling into a church and remembering I am not alone.  I have all the things I need to be happy. A loving husband, healthy children, and God.  All the rest of it... pfsh  Whatevs.  It was brutal for a while, but I'm still alive.

So here we are in Maryland, ready to begin our new Chapter.

So all this time it's been the bar??

     Todd has been sick and Saturday night he went to bed early.  He had much to do the next morning to be ready for Mothers day.  Meaning he hadn't done anything yet, and Thank God, Walmart is open 24 hrs!!  He passed out on the couch, pasty white with a heating pad on his stomach.  Poor guy. He was going to need to be up early, to get to the store and back all before I or the kids woke up. Then he would need to tiptoe around hanging all the "Your the best mom in the world signs" up, quietly blow up all the balloons, carefully place the flowers in every room of the house.  Not to mention teach the kids their harmonies to 'Because you loved me', so their performance to me would be flawless. Deep breath in.  Yes, it would be a perfect Mother's Day.  I went to sleep excited to not have to wake up, ever, if I so chose.

Then I had a nightmare that I woke up before 7, and in the bed next to me was a toddler who's foot was in my face, AND my husband was also in the bed.  HE who was suppose to be dutifully making this the best day of the year for me.  He was still in bed and still ASLEEP!!  "This is a bad dream and I need to wake up" said me.  So I did.  Everything was still the SAME.  I closed my eyes trying to force myself to go back to sleep.  "He is just going to have to take the kids to the store with him.  That'll teach him!!"  Then I may have wondered why all this was happening to me.

Doesn't he know how difficult things have been for me. Why just last week if you would have asked me what I wanted for Mothers Day, I would have said a hole to hide in. I had hit the mommy wall, the one where if you have to plan one more party, take the kids to one more practice or cook one more meal you'll lose it. Then I had to do just that - so naturally, I lost it.  Naturally.  My sweet husband sat with me while I ugly cried, trying to sort out the many emotions that were pouring out of me.  Through gasps I sobbed "I....  don't .... think ..... I ... like myself ... very... much!  I...can't be..... what .... I want.... to be."  What I mean by this is, I have set the bar too high, and I'm never going to reach it.  This is devastating to realize.  I just can't keep pretending I am that person I want to be.  The one who is perfect and everyone loves.  IT'S EXHAUSTING!   Especially because apparently I have forgotten that perfect people, well they don't actually exist.  (I stand corrected by my 7 year old who is reading this behind me and just said,  "um, Mom, Jesus existed, and He is perfect." )   She's so smart that one.  

So as I lay in bed face scrunched up into a ball of stress for not being fully appreciated.  I took a breath, and exhaled all the unrealistic expectations I had for the day, which turns out was all of them.  I started thinking about what else we could do, instead of me just laying on a chaise lounge with my husband and children fanning me.  While I was thinking Todd curled up to me and started telling me wonderful things about myself, of which I probably didn't deserve given my recent tantrum.  However, instead of listening to the guilt that usually plagues me like a fly on poo, I decided to believe him.  

We managed to have a fantastic day despite all of my best attempts to sabotage it before it even began. 

 

It's funny everywhere I go people love to tell me how full my hands are, and I fain a smile mumbling "genius" under my breath, but my first thought when I saw these pictures was "Hells Yeah, I do!"  It's hard, real hard, but it's also great.

P.S. My husband did feel bad about the lack of planning on his part, and as a result it's Mother's day all week long!  

Happy Mothers Day!

Snow Storm Saturn

March 6th Charlottesville was covered in a thick blanket of snow.  It was exciting to wake up to a wonderland.  I sat staring out the window, watching the snow come down and it was then that we lost power. It was also then that I wished I had made the coffee before I had sat down to admire the snow.  

Here are all the pictures I took from that day

                             

Ben and his Bebe's (pacifiers)

Back in December Ben and I had been talking about saying good bye to his pacifiers.  We discussed how he can use them to buy toys when he was all done with them.  He was very excited about this and we put all his binkies in a bag and took off to the store.  

Once we got to the store, he picked out the big yellow dump truck but at check out time, he got a case of cold feet.  Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and he was ready to try again.  This time he about hit the cashier in the head with his bag of "monies" as he threw them on the counter.  Saying "Good-bye bebe's, I am a big boy!"  He was thrilled with his new cars and track.

Up until bed time. Then came the crying.  It was easy to remind him that he decided to give them away to get the cars.  He responded with sobs of "why??"  I held him and laid with him till he fell asleep.  The next morning he was up early, we are talking 5am early.  Lights on and pulling all the blankets off his bed, searching for a bink.  More tears.  It took a few nights of tears before bed, and a few more "why's??", then on the third night he told me "I don't have by bebe's, they are at the store.", and we haven't had a tear since.  We do now have a little boy who for the first time doesn't want to go to sleep at night, or take naps.  He is talking more and seems so much more 'grown up'.  Now it's mom pulling the covers off of the bed, and crying "why??"  Why do they grow up so fast?

Ben is Potty trained, Pacifier free, and packs more attitude then all four of his siblings combined. 

Reflection

Three years ago, we lived in this house.

We had four beautiful children, 

with one on the way.

(whoa, Nelly!)

Olivia was a first grader at Ponderosa Elementary School.

Claire and Paige were ballerinas, 

 Aaron was into everything,

and this guys here was about to become a law student at the University of Virginia.

(not bad on the eyes, eh?)

Then our lives began to change.  First with the birth of Ben,

Next with the move from Boise to Charlottesville.

We settled into our life here in Charlottesville, and time began to fly.

There were first days of school.

Halloween's

and many, many new friends have been made.

Here we now find ourselves back in the same place we were three years ago.  There is a move on the horizon and everything is about to change.  I am uncertain of what is coming but I don't fear it.  God has put amazing people in front of us and I am gleaning all I can from them.  I know there are new people waiting for me, and I won't let go of the ones we will leave here.

We are following a new path, unable to see where it will lead.  The bumps and overgrowth will make us stronger.  We will learn to bend with the wind, change with the seasons, endure like the sun, find peace with our pace, and rest in the calms.  Life is a journey and we are living it up!