Poor Jake

Jake has been quite the character with this whole pregnancy thing. Not only is he completely freaked out with the fact that we are going to have a new life changing responsibility in our lives, but what is even worse for him is the medical anxiety associated with pregnancy and childbirth. Some men may be intrigued with this pregnancy/labor business- Jake is definitely not one of those men. We may need to get him a bottle of Xanax for the delivery...

I had the priviledge of having Jake at one of my appointments. He was lucky to be in town and quite a trooper as I made him tag along. I'm sure he was thrilled- The picture above is of a lamp that is attached to the table or wall in the room at the OB/GYN. As I was sitting on the chair, waiting for the doctor, Jake nervously began to fidget with this contraption. I still don't understand why he gets nervous at these appointments. After a few minutes of watching him play with the lamp, this conversation went on between us.

Me: Do you know where that thing goes? I wouldn't be playing with that if I were you...

[He stares at me, wide-eyed, in disbelief and shock for a moment]

Jake: SWEET MERCY!!! (As he throws the light to the side) You are lying!

Me: Ya, it probably has been inserted into thousands of women.

Jake: You've got to be kidding me! I am going to throw up! Where's the hand sanitizer?! SICK SICK SICK!

He honestly believed that this light was used as an "internal device" for pap smears...

What a mean wife I am

Indecent Exposure

Okay people. I have no idea why I didn't blog for a year. I really don't have a reason. I just didn't. Maybe it was the fact that we didn't have internet in our cute little cottage we lived in? Who knows...

I am really not sure as to why weird things happen to me at the gym. In the past I have blogged about a few. (Father and Son Bonding / Aerobics Spandex Lady) For some reason I remembered an experience that happened to me before my blogging days, but I can't let this one slip through the cracks as a "lost memory".

I had just moved back home from college and began to workout at a small gym that my mom was a member of. Immediately I noticed a very peculiar woman in this small and intimate gym. The first time I saw her I honestly didn't know if she was a man or woman from behind. She was lifting weights and the only thing that gave her possible femininity away was the booty shorts she sported while doing dead lifts. Even then I almost wondered if maybe she was a man trying to make a fashion statement with hot pink shorts...

Her extremely large muscles, protruding veins, greasy hair and face, and Neanderthal features were definitely distracting. Not to mention the grunts, animal-like screams, and attitude she used to intimidate (on a daily basis) made us spectators try not to give her eye contact. Seriously, this small gym is one where out-of-shape moms and old ladies went to... Not body builders.

Not only did she sweat like a pig but she loved to fling this dripping sweat at others. She definitely was proud of her physical results from her hardwork and I honestly believe she loved sweating all over the place- as if to prove she is hard core or something.

Anyhow, one day I participated in a kickboxing class with this lovely lady. She happened to be placed right next to me in the class. We had to share a bag (to kick and punch) and it was no surprise that she was wearing her pink shorts (that she wore every day at the gym). The class begun and she began to annihilate the bag. She definitely was causing a scene and I could tell that some of the elderly ladies in the class were terrified. We are all there to have a good time and get a good workout in, and this lady was ready to kill someone.

Then I saw "it"

This he-she was not wearing underwear. Every time she did a round-house kick to the bag, she flashed her privates to everyone. I was in shock when I realized she would really wear loose fitting booty shorts with nothing underneath as she high-kicked the hour away. After being in multiple classes with her, I realized that every class she wore the same shorts with no undies. She was very consistent with her choice of clothing.

I guess I got used to this exposure of her body and learned to ignore her. When I look back I can't believe this lady really exists. I am most definitely scarred for life-

IT HAS BOY PARTS

Jake was about to have a panick attack the entire ultrasound and couldn't even handle it. (Apparently it was nerves?) He didn't have any witty comments or jokes to add to the sonographer- he was silent. It appeared he was about to hyperventilate, his cheeks were flushed, and he looked like he might pass out. I was laughing so hard because I have never seen him this way. How is he going to handle childbirth?? :)

After we found out it was a boy, Jake may have asked the sonographer if the baby is
"well endowed"..... He is such a dork. We are so greatful that our baby has all of its parts and appears healthy.

I took a year off from blogging and now I am loaded with great awkward and embarrassing stories!

If I HAD to punch someone right now..........

It would be Carrot Top-

I am doing this blog for Kera, given that she tagged me on this one.

I find this fellow very annoying and NOT FUNNY (given he considers himself a comedian)

Another reason for my distaste of him dates back to an experience I had in Jr. High. I had a REALLY BAD highlight job done to my hair (giving me orange and yellow Hydrogen Peroxide streaks to my dark brown locks) After this atrocious disaster I had a person tell me I look like Carrot-Top..... Thanks---- So apparently I look like an over-steroided, plastic, lunatic (and non-funny) freak from Mars-

Cheers to my twin

Closing of the year

"Closing of the Year" does not refer to the close of 2008. This post is about the experience I had in an actual "closing" (at my job) earlier this year. For those of you that may have bought or sold a home, a closing may feel like you are "signing your life away". Above is a picture of where a closing takes place. This room is a professional environment, and some people tend to be nervous while signing the documents.

I am licensed in escrow and can close these types of transactions. Earlier this year I had to sit in a few closings with my co-worker, Zac. At this particular closing was a loan officer and a cute older couple. The couple started to tell us about their love of dance. Both of them are instructors of dance, and this excited me. I threw up my hands in the air and said "I love to salsa!!" Before I could finish the sentence, I slowly watched everyone (watch me) as my chair tilted back. {Jed-the loan officer, had warned me that these chairs were flimsy and to not tilt back on them. In my head I laughed at the thought of someone thinking me to be that unprofessional.}

As I tilted, I remembered that I had a skirt on and I crossed my legs as I fell. I didn't realize what had actually happened until I was on the floor. My legs were sticking straight up in the air like the witch from Wizard of Oz. Fortunately I had a kaki skirt on; a "flowy skirt" would have gone right over my head. Just the thought of that situation (with my bloomers exposed) makes me want to cry....

As I laid there on the floor, everyone just stared at me, silent, like a deer in headlights. I couldn't really get up by myself, so I just stared back at them until Zac started laughing, hysterically. I was not hurt whatsoever, but I felt so awkward when the room was silent. Finally Zac came over to help me up and I started to laugh uncontrollably. Soon everyone was laughing and it took a minute to gain composure. Most of you that know me, know that it is so hard for me to keep a laugh in when I think something is funny (like trying not to laugh during a prayer or in church). I kept snorting, trying not to laugh the rest of the closing--I was trying so very hard not to lose it and looked like the Biggest Idiot of America. (Bless my own heart)

I guarantee I am one of the few who has had such an unfortunate experience like this in a closing.... Story of my life

Continuation of Italy

We spent our first morning in Italy, here in Milan. Behind us is the Milan Cathedral, and this dome took 500 years to build. Such a beautiful building. I was amazed at the hundred small bronzes on just one of the massive doors.

That afternoon we spent the day in Venice.... Loved taking pictures there.

Here we have the side-profile view of our expressions on our gondola ride. Our little man was young, conceded, stinky, was absolutely NUTS. He kept running our boat into things, cutting other gondolas off, weaving in and out against oncoming traffic, etc. He thought that we were two girls by ourselves, and when he saw that we had a guy with us, he started acting wacko.... All the tourists watched us and laughed at our Fabio gone mad---

TUSCANY

I couldn't believe that these sunflower fields were real. I thought this shot of the sunflowers from behind was interesting.

The typical Pisa shot :) We spent the afternoon here on my birthday.

Pisa is a walled city and I thought this gate was cool.

After we left Pisa, we drove a ways to this beautiful, Medeival walled city called Voltera, overlooking all of Tuscany. We were able to watch the sunset and enjoy dinner. Such a good birthday evening---


I loved how old the buildings were in this city, especially the stones they used.

The hanging flower pots against the stone buildings were my favorite!! I also loved seeing laundry hanging out to dry and the locals chatting with each other on their porches.

These archways covered in vines were throughout the city, and this one happened to have the most incredible view.

The restaurant we ate at was so unique and old fashioned. I thought their homemade menus were so cute!

As we sat on the patio at dinner, I was able to "people watch". The people in this city were so fun to observe. True eccentric Italians that laughed a lot and talked LOUD. They seemed different than the Italians in the bigger cities. It was almost like they had a country-folk attitude... I loved this little man that kept walking by-

Such a good birthday dinner

These shots we took on the way out. I loved the yellow fields with the contrast of greens and browns. It was breathtaking.

The Awesome Adventure.....

This trip was a dream of mine I have had since I was a little girl. I have had several opportunities to go to Europe, but did not go. I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I did not take this opportunity to go this summer! Im going to post some photos over the next couple days of the highlights of our trip..... I have way too many! This is week one in Switzerland----

Pouring rain in Zurich, with nowhere to stay at the time.... Good thing I have the orange beaker attached to my backpack to prevent cars from running into me..... Oh boy

The backpackin girls in Zurich....


The beautiful drive to Lucern




Chapel Bridge in Lucern along the Reuss RiverOverlooking Lucern and getting lost in the walled city above

Incredible lake of Interlaken

A small city near Interlaken. Almost appears fake. I couldn't believe that these were really my own photos!

One night we had to sleep in our car parked in this old church parking lot (this experience included waking up to donkey mating noises, peacock screams, along with ringing church bells every hour) We only slept 3 or 4 pathetic hours, however, we were able to see the sunrise over the beautiful lake of Lugano, Switzerland. Most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.
I couldn't believe the colors of this sunrise. I've never seen hues of orange, yellow and pink, mixed with the purple before.

Us enjoying the sunrise along the barren road.

Early bird fisherman--The only other people awake in the city

The day before we left, I had to get a root canal. Something was really wrong and I was in so much pain for the first week. This place above was visited often by me during that time..... It was a lifesaver.

Overlooking Lugano lake in the daytime.

I am obsessed with cute old men for some reason, and I loved seeing these old men congregate around and watch chess matches.... Old Italian men are the CUTEST!!! I just wanted to pinch them on the cheek!

I will post more again, this only covered the first few days!

More Awkward Fun

I don't know why these experiences happen to me, especially why they happen while I am working out. I would give anything to have a camera follow me around to not only record my expressions, but to prove that these stories are in fact, true.

Last month I found that the clubhouse to our town home had an exercise room. I decided one day that I did not want to drive to the gym, so I ventured over to the clubhouse. Two middle-aged women were using the treadmills, and I chose to use the bike in the back of the room. Fortunately I wasn't on a treadmill, given that I would have fallen on my face as I dealt with this awkward situation.

I'm guessing she was either Russian or Scandinavian. Her hair was slicked back into a tight bun, showing off her sunken face and protruding cheekbones. She was wearing a wool navy blue, purple AND forest green sweater from the 1700s (similar to the one below), and tight jean capris (calf-length short pants) with heavy black nylons underneath. The shoes she sported appeared to be hiking boots and she wasn't wearing socks--just nylons. She had to have been sweating to death by the suffocation one experiences from wearing a wool sweater and heavy stockings while working out in April.

After walking on the treadmill, she moseyed over to me and sat down in front of my bike. She began to do the most bizarre stretches. (I've been to many yoga classes before, but I have never witnessed these sort of moves.) Not only were her moves especially strange, but she kept eye contact with me 70% of the time as she stretched. I couldn't figure out the purpose of her staring, and tried to not look at her. (Which was nearly impossible)

So I thought that the stretches were weird and was relieved when I thought she was done. Boy was I wrong.... As she got to her feet, the twirling started. She placed her arms straight out like a windmill and started twirling in circles (right in front of me). Every time she did a full twirl (or spin) she would give me direct eye contact. My guess is she did maybe 20 spins, each time staring at me with a stone cold face. I'm pretty sure my face was bright red from not knowing how to deal with this crazy kook or where to look. At one point I was convinced that I was on a hidden camera tv show----(It hasn't aired yet, so I'm assuming this was a real-life situation)

Should I have told her to stop? Should I have told her to move? Should I have asked what in the @#$*%$#@$* she was doing? What exactly does twirling do? Is this a cultural thing? Does it tone the body? Is it cardio? Is it therapeutic?

Hola, me llamo Shae

There I was, minding my own business at a salad bar. I had filled my plate with food, and realized I had forgotten a tray. As I moseyed over to the cart full of trays, I noticed an ornery woman causing a ruckus in the line. I want to call her an "ornery old woman", but she wasn't very old. She appeared to be a high-maintenance beast of about 55 years old, but acted like she was 85. With her was her poor husband who acted like an abused puppy dog, scared to upset his master.

I listened to her bicker about the spinach, going on and on about how horrible it looked and that it was going to get somebody sick. (Personally I felt that the spinach looked fine.) Just as I passed her, she flipped around and in her annoying, nitpicky voice she said, "Excuse me! Do you work here?! This spinach is rotten!" [Keep in mind I was dressed in full business professional-attire, not in a dirty apron and t-shirt.] At first I didn't think she was talking to me. I turned my head around to see who the poor victim was she was barking at.

I then realized she was yelling to ME. There may be a strong possibility that I gave her one of my dirty glares and said that I did not work there. I turned and started to head down the line when I heard her husband timidly whisper, "Why did you think she worked here?" The woman quickly snipped back at him and said, "Because she looks like a Mexican!!!"

Yes, this is a true story. I truly was speechless; unfortunately, I didn't even retort. I wish I would have kicked this ignoramus in the shin--

Oh Boy--

The other day I went to a Zumba class. At the front of the room we had a little munchkin/gremlin doing jumping jacks while we all did our latin moves. She did this the entire class. These moves were not your traditional jacks- they were JUMPING (off the ground at least 2 feet) jacks. I kept tripping from the distraction and I tried not to give eye contact.

I conducted some interviews for my job yesterday and I felt like an American Idol judge. I tried so very hard to keep a straight face when the poor dear told me about the animal abuse going on at her prior job, and her choice to leave because of it. Nobody fed the animals. She fed them and cleaned their cages when she was working, but that was only a couple times a week. This behavior by her co-workers was CLEARLY abuse and led to her choice of termination. After this story she told me she wanted a job that made a difference in the world. (Like a receptionist job)
I was proud of myself for keeping somewhat of a straight face and not losing it as she told me this story.

What a wonderful and entertaining world--

Dear Aerobics Spandex Lady

Dear Distracting Lady in my Cardio Jam Class:

I have had a loss of words since the first time I witnessed your routine. Previously I've had to deal with "Aerobics Guy" and "Aerobics Son" (see posts below) but you top the cake by far......

I'm having a hard time comprehending the dance routine you perfom in our class. We are all synchronized while doing our "jam moves", while you face the opposite direction, look at yourself in the mirror, and do your own weird moves. (Sporatic kicks, random jumping, side-to-side touches, and head turns that fling your hair)

I think it is fine that you wear slip-on shoes. Sometimes I'm a little concerned about your safety (not to mention the lack of socks is unsanitary) but the decision is yours.

The outfit, however, concern me a bit. We have several men and many women in the class who DO NOT appreciate the low-cut shirts pulled down to your navel. Additionally, the long and sweaty hair that falls over your eyes is not very sexy; I would suggest purchasing a hair tie. The biggest concern of mine is the black lacy thong you have pulled up and out of your spandex shorts. I know for a fact that this is no unfortunate coincidence, given that I watch you continually pull your spandex down to expose the black lace. I really hope that you happen to have 50 pairs of these black lace numbers; it grosses me out to think you are wearing the same pair OVER AND OVER again.

(Visual of what we have to tolerate in our class)

If I honestly felt that you didn't understand, or were doing this all in innocence, I would feel bad for you. But you aren't. You KNOW what you are doing. You sing as you do your own moves, distracting the rest of the class. Every time we have to face your direction (there at the side of the room) I WATCH you pull up the black lace and pull down the shirt.

Seriously I am about ready to come over there and tell you to get dressed. The attempted Richard Simmons "Sexy Routine" is indeed, NOT SEXY, and quite appalling.

Thanks for your understanding.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm Still Alive. Not All There, But Alive

Wow, it's been a while! I must admit that I miss the blogging world. So many things have happened that are "posting worthy", but I have been so busy!!

I still work for Cache Title, but I started working in the jewelry department at Nordstrom on nights and weekends. Let's just say that the discount is nice and that I felt I was bored :) (Now I'm back to my college days when I was going nonstop from 5 am until midnight)... Originally I was going to save my "Nordstrom money" for traveling, but it seems to get blown at Nordstrom... Weird.

On the days that I don't work at Nordstrom, I have a class I go to in preparation of the LSAT. I take the test in December.. We'll see how it goes.

More to come; including a recent embarrassing moment at my job and interesting "single life "experiences. Oh boy---

It Happens. Or Does It?

When I was about 7, I have a vivid memory of doing something REALLY embarassing. One would hope that these experiences contribute to the positive attributes I attain now; however, I have a feeling they've contributed to the weird and extreme quarks I have today :)

It was Sunday, I was sitting in Sunday School, and I asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. All I know is that we were old enough to go to the restroom by ourselves, instead of having to take a field-trip to the bathroom. (Usually you see "sunbeams" doing this in a line holding hands)

I walked into the bathroom. The two stalls were in use, so I leaned against the wall and waited. I vividly remember folding my arms and "tapping" my white shoes on the tile floor. (as if I was some impatient business woman) I then realized that little Johnny (who was 12 years old) was using a weird sort of toilet (a urinal) and he was standing!!!! His back was to me, but as he turned around to wash his hands, I said "hi" to him. I realized that this whole location and experience was foreign and odd, and I was also old enough to know that we (girls) did not share bathrooms with boys. For some reason I still waited for the men to finish in the stalls and then proceeded to use the disgusting toilet seat. Sorry men, but your toilet seats are extremely gross. I even noticed this as a 7-year old.

I remember washing my hands, drying them, and then leaving. As I left, I noticed that the "woman symbol" was across the hall. I turned around I realized that I went into the "men symbol" bathroom. Just then it clicked that I used the BOYS BATHROOM! It didn't click when I shared greetings with Johnny, or when I smiled at Brother Taylor and Brother Nelson as they left the stalls. Why didn't any of these males tell me I was in the wrong bathroom??!!!!!!!!

The reason why I share this experience now is because I did this the other day. As an adult, I was able to realize as I walked past the urinals and saw a man standing and peeing, that this was the wrong bathroom. What was even more embarrassing is that I got eye contact from this male and had to stand in the same line with him as I ordered my food. At least I didn't actually use the stall, right??!

This Summer's Dating Message

Dear Blind Date/First Date Candidates,

a) It isn't funny to mess up my hair, or push my face to the side

b) I don't care if you are "almost" making 500 K in three years, will be driving a Vipe (viper), will own 3 houses, will be a professional biker, etc. I care about the now--

c) The "5-hour dates" are not the way to go on first dates

d) Please don't make comments on how much I eat (ie. "You must have been really hungry! You sure clean house!")

e) If we are on a lunch date, it isn't necessary to walk me to my office door. Even a hug (at the door) in this situation is a bit awkward

f) I don't care that your uncle's, cousin's, brother's friend mowed Greg Ostertag's yard. I might care if it was Corver's

g) Please don't try to show me breathing exercises to warm me up when I am cold

h) Street motor biking accidents you've been in from "racing" are not cool to me. Nor is that impressive. I was raised by a paranoid "safety-minded" father... Sorry

i) Don't try to tutor me on how to bowl (ie- the arm on the side of the waist to show me the movement. This behavior is witnessed with many BYU dates at bowling allies)

j) The "teenage flirting" (when you say mean things and this means you like me) does not work on me

k) It is not normal to find my picture in the ward directory, then text me to go on a date.... Especially when I have never met you

l) When you tell me that you are available from 2-4 on Tuesday, or 3-5 on Wednesday, or 1/2 hour slot on Thursday, it's kind of a bad sign of an awkward date

m) It isn't funny to slam on your breaks and scream really loud, over and over again (to scare me)

n) If you call the number I gave you, and my mother answers, I did this on purpose. If anyone knows my sister Erica, she did this and it back-fired on her---- So funny. My mom thought that she was "hott stuff" having some freshman from BYU-I texting and calling her..

WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS THIS ASKING TOO MUCH?

My Hollywood Look-a-Like

Recently I had an agent call me "Jem from the Holograms". Hmmmm. "Who is Jem", might you ask?--I had not a clue. At first I thought it was an inside joke, or a nickname/jargon for a female. I ventured to the "tell all" website, Google. Little did I know what I was about to find.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmYU4CeuZQ0

Some of you may know about Jem. Many of us are too young, too old, or too sheltered. Unfortunately I was born the year "Jem was born", and I did not get the opportunity to experience her greatness. Instead, I experienced Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, Smurfs, My Little Pony, Gumbi, Power Rangers, Mighty Ducks, Rescue Rangers, Full House, Charles in Charge, etc. I really missed out as a child. I now feel like my life is somewhat complete from my recent introduction to her.



Now I understand that the pink hair and fashionable makeup, OUTRAGEOUS star earrings, awesome voice, and great dance moves resemble me, but are my eyes really as big as hers?

$$$ At Least He Has Lots of Money $$$

I might have lost some hair with the high levels of anxiety from this experience. I'm writing this post at 2:30 AM, but I probably wont post this until next week.....

My roommate is out of town and I had been asleep for a couple of hours. (Its Saturday night) Given that my bedroom is in the living room, I tend to hear things going on outside of my door. [Usually this consists of dramatic, male cat-fights.] I was wakened by my the rattling of my front door handle. Then I heard someone trying to unlock the door, over and over again. I layed there, frozen, wanting to cry. I knew there was no way that it was my roommate. I started to wonder if it was somebody playing a joke on me, but who would do that at 2 in the morning?

This went on for ten minutes. I finally got the courage to walk to the door and look out the peep-hole. There was a guy out there with a black, "chimney boy"/bandera hat, a extremely tight shirt, and a black-hemp, choker necklace (I promise). I watched him bang his head on the door and then lay on the floor. He then started to call some number on his phone over and over again. I could hear him sigh and then I realized he was looking under the door at my little piglets (aka: toes).

He started to put his fingers under the door and I finally said, "Dude, you have the wrong apartment! This is mine."

I startled him. Confused, he shuffled back to the other side of the hall and defensively said, "Uh huh, this is MINE."

I yelled through the door, "Since when? I've been living here and you are confused. What apartment number are you trying to reach?"

He said, "305. This is MY apartment"

At this point I felt like I was dealing with a drunk 2-year old. I loudly and firmly retorted, "I have the key, I have been sleeping here in MY apartment, and I don't know what to tell you."

We argued for several minutes. I decided to try the silent treatment. After about a minute of silence he slurred, "Oh my....... you are right! This apartment is wrong. Mine is on the TOP floor." There was a long and awkward pause before he said, "Well I don't know what to say. I have a really beautiful boyfriend and lots of money--- So, I'm sorry"

I'll let you ponder on that response.

As he turned to leave, he ran into the wall and then continued on his way. I laughed after the comment--Did not make sense whatsoever.... At least he has lots of money. In other words, there's no way he would try to break into my female and "poor" apartment.

NEVER AGAIN

I reflect back to these experiences many times; helps me come to my senses every time I feel desperate for something cheap and want to attempt it again.....

There I was, new in the city. I had the brilliant idea to hang fabric from the ceiling around my new "room". {My so called "bedroom" is located in the front room. We tried to do more of a studio apartment feel.... It's not as cool as I planned. I expected some sort of "Jasmine from Alladin" fortress and instead it looks more like a "Shirley from a trailor park" in Kansas} This idea was based around how to find lots of fabric in a very cheap manner--Thus Walmart came to mind.

The red flag should have flashed when my roommate told me the directions to the nearest Walmart. How was I supposed to know that the 13th south location was scarier than the slums of Tiajuana? I soon learned what a naive little Cache Vallian I am.....

I parked. As I got out of the car, I immediately felt the need to check over my shoulder several times, just in the parking lot. ---- Bad sign

Experience #1: Cat Fight Close Call- Ever seen "The Hills Have Eyes"? Well these mutated inbreds are mean and I ran into one. I couldn't tell if she was glaring at me, or someone else, due to the opposite direction of her eyes. I tried not to give eye contact as I walked by, but I was shoulder pushed. As I turned around, the mutant gruffed, "Do you want a piece of me?" ----Do I want a piece of you??!! Hmmm, let me think about that for a minute....

Experience #2: Awkward Question from Dad with Kids- This happened to me while I was with my friend Shane. A father with a cart full of kids appeared to be lurking behind me, and I was confused as to why. Finally as I passed him a second time; he nervously said, "Can I ask you a weird question?" I blankly stared back. "My wife wants an augmentation and wanted me to ask you what your bra size was. She thinks your size is great and wanted me to ask." He asked this around other shoppers; I was so embarassed and felt my face go red. First of all, what wife (in their right mind) would have their husband ask a random woman that question, while pushing kids in their cart?!! Sure the kids in the cart are less threatening, but really??? After I walked away and was processing what had just happened in my brain, I ran into the blushing wife, hiding behind an aisle nearby. Wow

Experience #3: "Looking for Excitement" Couple- This pair has had a rough life. I tried not to give either of these women eye contact, for fear of (possibly) my life. They looked "gangster-like" with baggy clothes, bandanas, and chains; but they had one thing out of the ordinary... Thugged-out children. They were behind me in line and I started eavesdropping on their conversation. I soon came to understanding that these two were lovers. We were standing there for quite some time and they started talking to me. I was nice to them, laughing at their children. Suprisingly they were overly nice--soon enough I realized that they were flirting, I guess? I heard one of them whisper, "She'd be a fun Barbie to bring in for a night". I'm assuming she said this loud enough that I would hear, to see my reaction. I feel I am pretty accepting of other's lifestyles; however, personally I am not into "hooking up" with 2 baby's mamas.

Experience #4: What Goes On in the Parking Lot- All of these experiences were bizarre, but this one sounds made up. I left the building and walked across the crime-infested parking lot. I unloaded my purchases and sat in my car. Just before I shut they door, I heard, "Eehh! Eehh! Ober here! You!" I looked over and there was a (young adult) hispanic gentlemen hovering over the Mini (my car). He held up a plastic bag full of something soaking in a dark liquid. Confused, I looked up at him and he said,"Eh! Do ya wanna buy a tamale?" I was even more confused and awkwardly mumbled "no thanks". I don't think a homeless person would have taken that food for free. Does this really happen?

"Big City Girl" :)

Yes, the rumors are true. I am done with school for at least a year. Its weird that it is over; I don't even know what to do with myself!! The lack of "blog posts" confirm my 100-mile an hour life this past month. Within an hour after I "walked" for graduation, I moved straight down to The SLC. The move itself was interesting, consisting of a brother and father who do not deal well with "big city" neighbors of mine (like cross-dressers). I don't have a problem with these types, but my small town, Cache Valley family members (especially the males) might be scared of them. Thats all I have to say about the move into my apartment.

The chain of events after the move involved lots of running around and studying for the Escrow test. Licensing is required for me to do my new job, so I was a little stressed about passing this test. So basically I jumped from finals into studying once more.... Story of my life

In between the studying, was the downtown Walmart experience. Nobody warned me about this wretched place; I learned the hard way. Walmart is bad enough, but the 1300 South Walmart that I experienced is unheard of. I wouldn't be suprised if customers found cockroaches and maggots, drugs, and/or needles in their Cheerios from this location. Additionally, a new human species (that has yet to be discovered) lurks in this premises. There will be a whole blog to come about this experience. This experience confirms my distaste and somewhat hate of Walmart. (Sorry for the negativity and to all those Walmart die-hards/lovers)

Many interesting experiences have happened at my new job, here is one of many. One day my co-worker, Zac, and I were driving to a lunch appointment. I was in the middle of telling him an awesome story, when he abruptly interrupted and said, "What is that?!!!" I expected to see some sort of interesting car, a homeless person, a 3 legged dog (etcetera) but instead I saw this. Here we have a real kayaker wondering the city. This man consists of an age of over 70, white shaggy hair and beard, florescent sun glasses, rocking long legs with Chacos, booty (skin colored) shorts, and lets not forget the dragging of his kayak and paddle. Where, might you ask, is he going?? We sure didn't know. As you can see in the background, this is the CITY, not the mountains. Does he kayak down the streets?....... Maybe. But why is he dragging the gear around the town? Does he not have a car? If he is homeless, why is he spending money on kayaking gear, instead of food? Where are his clothes? Why does he sport a heavy knit sweater with the shorts? Does his wife, children, and grandchildren know he does this? Do they know about the transparent shorts? The list of questions go on and on. Fortunately I got a pic, given that most of my stories sound unbelievable. One day I WILL get these questions answered.

The many other stories I have are TO BE CONTINUED..............

"DARN IT"

So I had the great priviledge of spending time with my friend Meghan in St. George. I had to move some stuff down to my parents and we both will be experiencing finals/end of the semester projects next week. We decided it would be a great idea to go to St. George to "study". Although she did study, I did not so much....

One afternoon after a stressful and long day of "laying out" by the pool, my mother asked us to go get something from the grocery store. Meghan was given strict instructions to wait in the car while I went and grabbed the item my mother needed. I ran through the store, went straight to the item, bought it, and was out the door in less than 2 minutes. I was feeling pretty good about the lightning fast, record-breaking time I had just accomplished through the store.

My quickness continued outside as I ran toward Meghan's white car, waiting for me at the front of the store. I opened the door and noticed that Meghan's car was extremely dirty (from what I remembered). In fact, the car was extremely slobbish. As I began to reach my leg into the car, and started to sit down, (keep in mind this all happened in a matter of seconds) I then noticed that her car smelled like cigarette smoke. Not only did it smell, but second-hand smoke was being blown into my face. "Wait a minute," I thought, "Meghan doesn't smoke"............I looked at the pair of legs in the drivers seat and thought, "I didn't know Meghan had hairy legs and gross yellow toe nails......... Nor is Meghan a man"

I yelped, jumped up, and exited the car faster than I ever imagined I could move. I didn't say, "Sorry, what an idiot I am for trying to get into your car", or "Oops, you are not my friend". I just squeaked like a mouse, awkwardly slammed the door (like a 10-year old) and ran to Meghan at the other side of the parking lot. I almost cried....... Wow

[In case you were confused, above is a picture of a gross hairy leg from the 80's. The sweet socks have been cut out, due to lack of space. This IS NOT Meghan's leg]

DANGEROUS APPLIANCES

Now I can understand poking yourself in the eye with mascara......... I also know most of us (women) have been burned by a curling iron at least once........ Or there's the lovely stench of burning/singeing your hair off with a blow drier. This experience, however, I don't know about. If there is at least one other person that has experienced this, I might feel okay. Otherwise, I might need to get checked for mental implications. I guess Im just trying to verbally figure this out by blogging.

There I was, minding my own business. I had just got out of the shower and started the typical "blow drying routine". This routine has been perfected by myself hundreds of times. Why there was a glitch that morning, I'll never know. My hair tossed continuously "to and fro" as I syncronized my arm movements with the drier. For most women, this is second nature, along with our other multi-tasking abilities.

Don't ask me who, where, when, what, why, or HOW this happened, but it did. The room went black, I started seeing stars, the drier dropped to the floor, and I had the worst headache. I honestly felt that I had been hit over the head with a baseball bat by an intruder. As I looked around in a frenzie, preparing to defend myself with kick-boxing moves, I realized that there was nobody there. [No intruder whatsoever.] As the stars went away and my vision normalized, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Shaeli, are you kidding me?!" How many people can say that they personally knocked themself out? Not by running into something (like glass sliding doors; Kenon & Mom- you know what I'm talking about) but by actually hitting themself in the head with a blow-drier?!!! I now have had a headache for two days and my eyebrow is somewhat swollen.

I guess it would have been cooler if I at least got a black eye.