Its funny how as time passes you forget the actual scheme of events that took place. Its HILARIOUS how sometimes you go beyond forgetting and reach a point where you change the story completely around in your head. And you know what, its fine. I'm sure we all need to do these little things to keep ourselves from stretching our hands out for that revolver that lies in all our desk drawers just waiting to be used to end our insipid, melodramatic little lives. But hey, keep it to yourself, man. I really don't want to find out that all those hours you spent keeping me up, apologizing and crying only ended up vanishing from your memory two months later and being replaced by some warped version of our story where I'm the bad guy.

Leave me alone.

Uh-oh

"I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goaddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self."

                                                      -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love


Wow, she couldn't have been more accurate. Just yesterday, I had a melt down cause I realized I'm driving myself crazy. Like actually, crazy. To the point that I don't know any more whether I'm making stuff in my head because I'm an insecure, paranoid person or whether it is actually happening. Cause it can't be actually happening, right? I can't be going through the exact same cycle with everybody I get close to, that's just bizzare. It's not like I'm cursed or something. I don't know why my mind confuses having something to lose with being on the brink of losing something. Why is that fear such a reflex action?

I wish someone would get teach me how to not be scared, how to not expect the worst or  at the very least, how to not give a shit.

I was talking to my best friend the other day and she said "Listen. You suck at judging people."
This isn't the first time I've been told that. In fact, through caring for tens of people who just got up and left, I've been told this many times.
Funnily, I never learn.
Recently, someone I cared for very much told me that I'm the coldest person he's ever met.
The words hurt me very deeply. I cried buckets and for at least half an hour doubted everything I knew about myself.
But you know what, I'm done doubting myself. I know I'm not a cold person, far from it. In fact one of the things that torment me is caring too much for the wrong people. I'm done indulging my mind-less insecurities and paranoia. And letting other people play with my feelings.
I'm not being cold, I'm standing up for myself.
Because I didn't get this far without being someone worth love. For every person who has gotten up and left, there has been one person who stayed.
And I'm done chasing after those people who can't seem to see me for who I am just because they have too much of an ego to admit they're wrong.

Don't lose your trust

So you lost your trust
And you never should have
No you never should have

But don't break your back
If you ever see this
But don't answer that

In a bullet-prove vest
With the windows all closed
I'll be doing my best
And I'll see you soon

In a telescope lens
& when all you want is friends
I'll see you soon
  
-'See You Soon', Coldplay