"I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goaddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self."-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love
Wow, she couldn't have been more accurate. Just yesterday, I had a melt down cause I realized I'm driving myself crazy. Like actually, crazy. To the point that I don't know any more whether I'm making stuff in my head because I'm an insecure, paranoid person or whether it is actually happening. Cause it can't be actually happening, right? I can't be going through the exact same cycle with everybody I get close to, that's just bizzare. It's not like I'm cursed or something. I don't know why my mind confuses having something to lose with being on the brink of losing something. Why is that fear such a reflex action?
I wish someone would get teach me how to not be scared, how to not expect the worst or at the very least, how to not give a shit.
