no words

There have been no words on this blog for a while. But today I am filled with grief and sadness for one of our own - one of our blogging community has experienced an unimaginable loss.  The loss of a child.  It is something that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy, it is something that none of us should have to experience.   So this is my tribute - my letter to the wonderful moms over at Caring for Caemon.

Ladies-

We have never met in person, we have only known each other through the ethos of the computer, but today my heart breaks for you and the incredible loss of your beautiful son.  I have followed your story for years, shared your story through the words on your blog.  I dreamed with you when Caemon was only a vivid hope in your mind, cheered you on during your pregnancy and as your prepared for your birth and I have loved reading your stories as you navigate your parenthood journey.

Today I am grieving with you and for you.  Caemon was an incredible force, so full of life and light.  He has impacted the lives of so many of us. Today, I will continue to stand with you and by you as move through your grief.  You have an unimaginable road ahead of you, and as you move through these dark days all of us in the ethos will be standing by you.  Supporting you and dreaming with you of a new future. You are not alone.

From my family to yours-

I wish there was more I could say, wish there was more I could do.  And really, I wish I could just take away their pain.  Til then, I will continue to hold them in my heart and hope that they find solace where they can.

I Won't Grow Up

The past few days my son has been telling me each day that he doesn't want to grow up.  When asked further about this his response was always he liked where he was now, he liked what he could do.  I'll be honest, I didn't give it too much thought.

Until tonight.

Eating dinner he started again - talking about how he didn't want to grow up, he wanted to stay this size forever.  But tonight the conversation changed.  He followed up the statement with he didn't want to be like Grandpa, he didn't want to be old.  His voice then got very quiet and you could see the concern spread across his face.  I asked him why he didn't want to be like Grandpa and his response, "I don't want to die".

And my heart sank.

As I stood up and crossed across the room to give him a hug, alligator tears started spilling from his eyes as the worry consumed. him.  My mind began to race, I tried to think about all the things I could, I should I wanted to convey to him in that moment.  Nothing seemed quite right.

I thought about trying to offer up that you don't need to worry about death until you get older.  My partner's grandmother died two years ago and at that time we offered that as explanation of death, it seemed age appropriate at the time. You are either very old, or very sick to have death come knocking.  Then the thought of my four year old sons best friend fighting a rare lung cancer and how he's not even remotely old enough to have to be dealing with illness or death. I didn't want to feed him some cliche about it being about age, when there are accidents every day that cut so many lives too short.

I thought of my own mother who passed almost ten years ago (where did the time go?!?) and how I have talked about her with my kids on a regular basis.  I have talked to them about how while the physical form is not here, I hope she comes to visit them in their dreams.  Is this what is creeping him out about the concept of death?

Then the morbid part of me kicked in...is this fear coming from some unsaid knowledge, is something going to happen to me, to him?

All of these thoughts flooded my mind. They ping pong'd around inside my brain as I held my sobbing four-year old son on my lap.  These thoughts are too big, they are too much for even my brain to wrap themselves around most days.  I can't even imagine trying to make sense of them for him. 

While I felt powerless of how to help him in that moment, all I could come up with to say was that I loved him.  That both of his moms are here to do everything in our power to protect him.  To keep him safe, to help him grow to be strong, to be healthy to be powerful and that we would always be there.  This was the biggest truth I had to offer.  I guess my belief that in this life, and in the next I will always be tied to him - loving him and protecting him. I will hold him in my arms or watch him grow from afar...and while I can not offer any more certainties that that...that is what I had to offer.

Master of Mistakes

so I have a confession. I am horrified. seriously, it's one of those things that you dread happening when you become a parent - and then it does.

This past week M has started coaching again. She is home late three of the five nights during the week and I am flying solo quite a bit these days. Tuesday night I was feeling accomplished, it was 7:15pm and I was sitting down to fold some laundry since everyone was in bed. (Yes! The little one was asleep as of 6:30 and the big ones didn't nap so they were asleep by 7 as well). Feeling might smug with myself (I am a rock star mama - thankyouverymuch) I decide to reward myself.

I was home alone, I was awake and I decided to become the 'm@ster of my domain'. I am in my own fantasy world when all of a sudden I hear a little voice from over my shoulder.

"mama I was feeling a little nervous about sleeping" (yes, this is what she said)

Needless to say I just about jump out of my skin - the moment is gone - and now I am quickly putting myself back together and trying to calmly deal with what ever need she has just presented to me.

I am stumbling off the couch, and guiding her back to bed - telling her that it's time for bed, ... all the while feeling like I have just scared my daughter for life. Of course she wouldn't go with out the following question - "mama why did you have your pants down?"

While I gave a general answer in the moment - the best I could do without any forethought - I find the moment still sitting with me days later. Should I talk to her more about it? Is there something more that should be said?

Sigh- still feeling slightly mortified - the humor in the situation I am sure is quickly coming.

What would you have done?

Sheesh.

It was a good day

I have talked before about my son's friend Charlie.

Charlie was recently diagnosed with PPB,  a rare and often serious form of pediatric lung cancer.  While Charlie's case is rare, it was diagnosed early and many of the cysts in his lungs are benign.  Even so, he started a 4-6 month chemo regimen to deal with the very real possibility that these cyst could change at any time.

Many days Charlie is tired, he is frustrated and dealing with any number of side affects from his treatment. But today, today was a good day. We got to meet Charlie at the park.  Just for an hour, we watched them all play as kids should, run around playing transformers and alligators, eating hot dogs and telling stories.

Today, today was a good day. 

letting go

When I first became a parent I hear stories of friends lost. That somehow in the mix of becoming a parent, juggling an infant and being incredibly sleep deprived - we are supposed to find a way to juggle friendships and a resemblance of a pre-infant life. I heard stories from parents of not being able to connect with your friends without kids - that you would find a whole new circle.

I was surprised the first time around. Honestly, I patted myself on the back on a number of occasions - I thought "look at us, we are doing it - being parents, raising kids and keeping our friends!". If I am honest, it wasn't easy - it isn't easy. Especially this time around.

This time around - welcoming our third child into our home life never slowed down. One day you we were parenting two, the next day we were parenting three. I never really felt the baby-bliss bubble that was so important, so sweet the first time around ever really existed the second time. There were toddlers in the house that needed to eat, needed to play and needed their mommies attention. With that- this time there has been some causalities.

Today almost 7 months later ( how is she almost 7 months already?!?!) I am sitting here pondering the questions of when do you just let go. Stop feeling guilty, stop forcing a connection that isn't there, and stop spending what little precious free time one has with someone that does not sympathize or empathize with the struggles of my day-to-day existence? I realize that to some - that letting go may just go unsaid. But like many lesbi@ns I like to talk - I need to process- I am hoping that there can be some joint consensus in this decision, but truthfully maybe I am just wishful thinking.

I love my friends - and I am sad that this one particular friendship might need to take a hiatus. I am not willing to say that it is over - I am hopeful that one day in the future we will find a new platform to reconnect. One day she will be able to understand the struggles, the lack of time, lack of availability and the dramatic reorganization of ones priorities. But for now - I am feeling heavy knowing that the connection that once came with ease - now feels weighted, and just a bit forced. While we are both still important people in each other's lives - the reality is - and as cliche as it sounds - in two different places.

Sigh.

One Little Word

I can't say I am much for resolutions.

This past year has been filled with highs and lows and with the start of the new year- I was reminded of this project. A few fellow bloggers and talked about their experience, and this especially it got me thinking.

The difference being it's not so much of a resolution, as an intention - filling your conscious and unconscious mind to help make change in your daily life. I have been working on trying to find a word to resonate with me for 2012 - I'll be honest I've struggled a bit.

I've toyed with some options - but I think the word that suits me is:

Intention.

I want to bring my presence and my intention back into my daily life. I want to spend time dreaming of the future, and creating a vision for where and what I want life to hold, and I want to act with intention with all people in my life. My wife, my kids and even with the people I work with - I want to give them my best. I want to have the intention that I am enough, and that I am confident enough and assured enough...truly I guess I am enough. But bringing the act of conscious thought and action into my life - not allowing the daily buzz to get the best of me.

Intention - I will bring more into my life and how I treat myself, and how I present myself in my relationships. I will not plead chaos- but choose to fully embrace each moment.

So while I am working on a post to summarize the holiday chaos- for now I am going to full my days with intentional thoughts, actions and relationships.

Here's to a rewarding, loving and great 2012.