THE PARTY

Cleavus Rickshaw – Florida Man 1 – Has a rickshaw he carts his possessions around in. Has 3 Charisma.

Lubabrowfrow – Thief 1 – Rumor has it that I pronounced the character’s name correctly once.

Wyldstyle – Bard 1 – Likes edgy high-school-girl-goth-poetry.

François de la Croix – Explorer 1 – High Charisma. Wants to find what happened to his brother Louis.

Charlie – Paladin 1 – Henchman. Paladin of the Whey. Super jacked.

Eltina Joan – Bladedancer 1 – Henchwoman. No spells yet, so she is treated as expendable.

Horatio – Mage 1 – Henchman. Is the smartest and most handsome man in the world (other than the humble proprietor of this blog).

THE SESSION

Cleavus awoke from being passed out drunk last session (aka, the player was here this time). He took all the nice clothes off, except the bowtie. That’s right, this Florida Man runs around in a bowtie and speedo. Let me find that picture of me in a speedo and post it…

[PICTURE REMOVED DUE TO VIOLATION OF THE LAWS OF EVERY NATION ON EARTH, AS WELL AS THE LAW OF GOD HIMSELF]

He ran downstairs to get revenge on the people that dared to clean him and put clothes on him!!! They had been teleported into a room with no windows or doors, so he could not find them.

He did find the room with the shelf full of jewels, gold, Bitcoins, and Motörhead cassette tapes. This is the room that teleported the rest of the party into the room with no windows or doors. He held back his Florida Man nature and tried to plan.

For some reason (I later found out that he is trying to break his cursed sword), he tried to use his cursed magic sword to break the ceiling. After a few minutes, he broke through to the first floor. The merchant came over to the hole and yelled at him. Cleavus lowered a rope and net to try to scoop up the valuables, but the rope and net passed through. Frustrated, he tried to grab them with his hands, but got teleported into the room with the others.

The rest of the party was busy while this happened. By busy, I mean Wyldstyle the Bard looked at the ten sarcophaguses, and wrote a poem called Thanatopsis II: Electric Boogaloo.

The arrival of Cleavus confused them, but after some quick introductions and forgiveness, they agreed to work together.

They looked at each sarcophagus and tried to see if there were any differences between them. Importantly, they stated that they did NOT touch them. Only looked.

That is some minor #elite play right there. Specifying not just what they do, but what they are not doing.

I said that the ten sarcophagi had the same geometric pattern on them. They all looked the same. When pressed as to what the geometric pattern was, I panicked. Hadn’t thought that far ahead. So my brain traveled back in time to a simple geometric pattern I remembered from middle school.

Horatio the Mage figured that there must be something in the room that would reverse the polarity of the teleportation circle and let them all out. With fear and trembling, they opened one of the sacrophagusen to see if there was something inside.

Of course, the one they chose actually had the gem that reversed the teleportation circle. A 10% chance to get it on the first try and they did it. Someone must have been playing #skyclad.

Rather than see if there was any wealth in the other sarchophageese, they left posthaste.

One last attempt was made to claim the treasure that teleported them into the room, but it was proven to be illusionary, even the Motörhead cassette tapes. One of my players may have threatened to kill me. If that happens, I deserve it.

In any case, the party continued their mission to clear the dungeon for the merchant who is totally not in love with the acolyte of J.E.B. and will not turn this place into a home for his cult (The Branch Floridians).

The found a room with a gelatinous cube in it, won initiative, and closed the door on it. Wonder how the merchant will react when they tell him the basement is clear of monsters, but it actually isn’t. Hmm…

They found a room full of coins. All scattered across the floor. While trying to collect them, the party ran afoul of some Florida Men.

A good reaction roll and jug of whisky later, the Florida Men became friends with the party. They warned of some Bobgoblins deeper in the dungeon and started drinking. The party questioned the Florida Men.

“Did you mean hobgoblins?”

“No, they are Bobgoblins.”

“What are they like?”

“Goblins, but bigger.”

“So, like hobgoblins?”

“Yes and no. They are Bobgoblins.”

With that clarifying conversation out of the way, the party went in search of the Bobgoblins. Not only is the gelatinous cube still out there, so are the Florida Men. The merchant won’t be pleased that there are still monsters in the basement!

Along the way, they came upon a partially-finished room. One of my players, who is quite familiar with work safety, asked if a particular OSHA-compliant sign was in the room. I said there was not the OSHA-compliant sign. There was a sign that simply said:

BEE CAREFUL

Apparently, that’s not good enough.

Eventually, they find the Bobgoblins, who the party asks to leave the dungeon. The Bobgoblins give a counter-offer: kill the merchant and let the Bobgoblins stay. The party just kills the Bobgoblins and takes their loot.

Now what is a Bobgoblin?

I just renamed a thoul. I had been reading about D&D monsters and heard about thouls. I have no idea if this is true, but this link talks about the origin of the thoul. It might be from a typo when someone meant to to type “ghoul”, so a new monster was created.

Still a bit more of the basement to explore, so I imagine that is what will happen next time.

THE GRAVEYARD

Honest Ivan – Venturer 1 – Shot through the heart by a goblin arrow – Died in session played on the 7th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK – Dwarven Vaultguard 1 – Poison needle trap on the door – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Leopold – Pig – Bitten by a fire beetle – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Snookums – Thief 1 -??? – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Ralphina – Anti-Paladin 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Louis de la Croix – Shaman 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Attheu – Elven Enchanter 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Fake Snookums – Thief 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

THE PARTY

Cleavus Rickshaw – Florida Man 1 – Has a rickshaw he carts his possessions around in. Has 3 Charisma.

Ralphina – Anti-Paladin 1 – She’s gonna wreck it! Has a proficiency in Craft (Long Pork Dishes). Possibly the cousin of Kiki, the Cthonic Witch that loved to eat people.

Louis de la Croix – Shaman 1 – He is on his Vision Quest and the Great Gator Spirit has granted him a dream in which he was told to seek the Fabled Lost City of Nawlins. (This was the player’s idea and I love it. Also, this is a one sentence backstory with gameable potential. That’s all you need, if you want any backstory.)

Attheu – Elven Enchanter 1 – Pretty average stats across the board.

Fake Snookums – Thief 1 – Talking cat with the same stats as a thief. Hired help. Probably a doppleganger.

THE SESSION

The player who runs Cleavus was not with us, so I decided he was passed out drunk on the first floor (which the merchant who hired the party to clear out the place and the acolyte of J.E.B. have fully secured, so he’s safe).

Hoooo boy. After losing a couple people in the last session, I thought the party might go back to town and grab some hirelings before taking on the second floor of the dungeon. They plowed ahead and ran into a nest of giant flies.

It was a slaughter. No one brought a flyswatter.

Everyone died. And two of the four flies died.

Back to town and a new party was formed to:
1) Avenge the dead
2) More importantly, loot their corpses for gold

The new party members are:
– Lubabrowfrow the Thief (I mispronounce his name a new way every time I say it)
– Wyldstyle the Bard (based on “The Lego Movie” character)
– François de la Croix the Explorer (brother of the fallen Louis)

The new henchmen are:
– Charlie the Paladin of the Whey (It was supposed to be a Paladin of the Way, the misremembered Christianity of this post-post-apocalyptic Florida, he is so jacked that a player suggested he was a Paladin of the Whey. I went with it.)
– Eltina Joan the Bladedancer (🎵 Hold me closer blade daaaaaaaaaaancer 🎵)
– Horatio the Mage (Has the Performance Proficiency and can make money by telling others about how great he is)

The new party went to the dungeon and took quite a bit of time messing with the sleeping Cleavus. They gave him a bath, put nice cologne on him, and dressed him in nice clothes. For normal people, this would be a nice thing to happen while asleep. For a Florida Man, this is an incredible insult.

Then they found the flies and wiped the floor with them. Then they found a humming key and that opened a magically locked door. Inside the room, there was a shelf overflowing with gold, jewels, and Bitcoins.

Upon approaching the shelf, they were teleported into a room with several sarcophaguses, sarcophagi, sarcophagusen, uhhh (what is the proper plural form of ‘sarcophagus’?). The session ended with the party trapped in the sarcophagus room, which has no windows or doors. There is a teleportation circle in the middle of the room. What will they do next time? (Probably something ridiculous)

THE GRAVEYARD

Honest Ivan – Venturer 1 – Shot through the heart by a goblin arrow – Died in session played on the 7th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK – Dwarven Vaultguard 1 – Poison needle trap on the door – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Leopold – Pig – Bitten by a fire beetle – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Snookums – Thief 1 -??? – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Ralphina – Anti-Paladin 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Louis de la Croix – Shaman 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Attheu – Elven Enchanter 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Fake Snookums – Thief 1 – Bitten by a giant fly – Died in session played on the 28th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

After some discussion with the players, we won’t be switching to 1:1 time at this time.

THE PARTY

Cleavus Rickshaw – Florida Man 1 – Has a rickshaw he carts his possessions around in. Has 3 Charisma.

Ralphina – Anti-Paladin 1 – She’s gonna wreck it! Has a proficiency in Craft (Long Pork Dishes). Possibly the cousin of Kiki, the Cthonic Witch that loved to eat people.

Leopold – Pot-bellied pig with the stats of a hunting dog

Louis de la Croix – Shaman 1 – He is on his Vision Quest and the Great Gator Spirit has granted him a dream in which he was told to seek the Fabled Lost City of Nawlins. (This was the player’s idea and I love it. Also, this is a one sentence backstory with gameable potential. That’s all you need, if you want any backstory.)

Attheu – Elven Enchanter 1 – Pretty average stats across the board.

Snookums – Thief 1 – Talking cat with the same stats as a thief. Hired help.

TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK – Dwarven Vaultguard 1 – Sounds like Brian Blessed when he speaks. Hired help.

THE SESSION

Early in the session, the party discovers a door that they cannot open. It appears that magic is involved somehow. No amount of kicking can even make it budge an inch. They leave it and move on.

Snookums failed to detect a trap on a door and TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK was fatally poisoned by the trap on it. With no Lawful party members, no one can talk to the statue and learn anything more about this place.

In another room, two fire beetles attacked. Alas, poor Leopold, brave pig fell to the jaws of these ferocious beasts. At least the party can make bacon now. No time to mourn, got a dungeon to loot!

Even with two dead, they continued. Finally, they cleared out the rest of the dungeon (at one point Louis used beer to wipe snake spit out of his eyes), except the room they could not get into.

This where things get a little weird. They walk around to the outside of the castle and find a small window that looks into the room. All they see is a trapdoor in the middle of the room. They decided to send Snookums through (he is the only one who can fit) and hope he can unlock the door from the other side.

The rest of the party runs back inside and stand outside the locked door.

They hear the trapdoor open and close. Then, Snookums opens the door and says everything is fine.

The party asks what was down in the trap door.

“Ehh, just a wine cellar with subpar wine”

The party goes back to town and finds the merchant with the acolyte of the Judicious Ecstasy Bringer. They have come to an agreement and she will be setting up a permanent shrine in the chapel. The cult of J.E.B. will be spreading!

The party, with merchant and acolyte in tow, head back to the castle. The entire party decides to go down the trap door and discovers there was no wine cellar!

Snookums lied!

He tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but the party become suspicious. In fact, there was another level to the dungeon!

The next room over had two mad wizards (Bertrand and Ernesto), as well as the dead body of Snookums. But Snookums is with the party? Right?

After eliminating the wizards, the party agrees to hire the false Snookums for the same rate as the real Snookums. The fake Snookums also asks the party to ignore what he does when they go back to town. The party agrees without knowing what it is he does in town.

Furthering the aims of the cult of J.E.B. and allowing this imposter to run around… I wish I knew what was in the party’s mind.

THE GRAVEYARD

Honest Ivan – Venturer 1 – Shot through the heart by a goblin arrow – Died in session played on the 7th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK – Dwarven Vaultguard 1 – Poison needle trap on the door – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Leopold – Pig – Bitten by a fire beetle – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Snookums – Thief 1 -??? – Died in session played on the 21st of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

A while back, I wrote a short post about adding patrons into your game. It wasn’t much, but it was an attempt to boost knowledge of patron play.

Then, BDubs just came and wrote THE definitive post on using patrons.

It is here.

BDubs has walked the walk. I was a patron in his game (Dairin the Mage) and I can personally confirm that he is the real deal. I 100% endorse everything he says in that post.

I think I will reach out my players and see if they are willing to shift to real time, so I can add a couple patrons into my game…

THE PARTY

Cleavus Rickshaw – Florida Man 1 – Has a rickshaw he carts his possessions around in. Has 3 Charisma.

Ralphina – Anti-Paladin 1 – She’s gonna wreck it! Has a proficiency in Craft (Long Pork Dishes). Possibly the cousin of Kiki, the Cthonic Witch that loved to eat people.

Leopold – Pot-bellied pig with the stats of a hunting dog

Louis de la Croix – Shaman 1 – He is on his Vision Quest and the Great Gator Spirit has granted him a dream in which he was told to seek the Fabled Lost City of Nawlins. (This was the player’s idea and I love it. Also, this is a one sentence backstory with gameable potential. That’s all you need, if you want any backstory.)

Attheu – Elven Enchanter 1 – Pretty average stats across the board.

Snookums – Thief 1 – Talking cat with the same stats as a thief. Hired help.

TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK – Dwarven Vaultguard 1 – Sounds like Brian Blessed when he speaks. Hired help.

THE SESSION

Picking up from last time, the party is still clearing out a castle for a merchant. They find a statue that only speaks to Lawful characters. It will answer 3 questions a day and it completely ignores non-Lawful characters, which for a party full of Chaotic characters was frustrating. That is until TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK walked near it. He is the only Lawful character in the entire party and is regretting his decision to sign on with this group.

The party feeds him a question to ask the statue, which was “what is in the nearby rooms?”. The statue informed them of a couple of empty rooms, a room with giant blood-sucking insects and a Chaotic cleric praying in a chapel.

They go into the room with the giant blood-sucking insects and are attacked by three hungry stirges. One attaches itself to Cleavus, but Tordek rescues him from it before Cleavus loses all his blood. For low level parties, stirges are frightening.

Now the cleric. She was a Branch Floridian, a mostly disliked religion in Florida which worships the Judicious Ecstasy Bringer. One day he will rise and conquer all of Long Florida! Cleavus, with his THREE CHARISMA, WHICH MEANS HE HAS A MINUS THREE TO ALL REACTION ROLLS, decides to go in and talk to her. The party allows this to happen.

The dice were with him and the result was not “attack right away”. She tries to convince the party to worship the Judicious Ecstasy Bringer with his preferred method of praise: clapping. Despite threats of being ground up in his divine guacamole bowl, the party refused to worship him. In a rare case of the party being nice, they advised the cleric that the merchant wanted everyone gone. She begged to stay and properly consecrate the chapel to the Judicious Ecstasy Bringer.

They came to a deal. The party gave her the name and location of the merchant, so she could negotiate with him to keep the chapel and make it a proper place of worship. In return, they would let her leave in peace and not loot the chapel.

Then, the party actually kept their word to an NPC. She left peacefully and the chapel is unlooted. Why do I get the feeling that the players may actually decide to join the Judicious Ecstasy Bringer?

I am in shock. These players have almost never kept their word, even when they played Lawful characters! Now that they are mostly Chaotic, I expected the betrayals to go into overdrive. How wrong I was!

After meeting some bandits and refusing to give over all to their hard-earned treasure, the party got in a fight with the bandits, as well as the mule owned by the bandits. Cleavus got a glowing sword from the leader, which he thinks is magical and will help him fight better (it’s actually a cursed -1 sword that he is cursed to use instead of other weapons).

The rest of the session involved some kobolds, hungry wolves, and Snookums the thief getting ridiculously lucky with the Find/Remove Traps rolls. Three rolls of ’18’ in a row. All successes! I’m not great at probability, but I think there is a 0.125% chance of that happening. #DICECONTROL

No one died this time. We’ll see what happens next session.

Now, some quotes from the session:

“Impressive cleavage” – said to Ralphina when she killed an enemy and made a cleave attack.

“I’ll hand it to someone who can count” said by Cleavus when he found a bag of gold coins.

“I am going to make dungeon monster gumbo” said by Ralphina when she stood among the remains of many a monster.

“Should we get him on a dating app?” said to me when I mentioned that a room contained ‘a single kobold’. They let him go peacefully. Hope he finds love.

THE GRAVEYARD

Honest Ivan – Venturer 1 – Shot through the heart by a goblin arrow – Died in session played on the 7th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

After the TPK last session, the ACKS campaign is starting over, in a way. All the accumulated treasure and magical items contained in the Fanny Pack of Holding are currently in the clutches of a meth dragon. If they make their way back to the ‘versity of South Florida, and defeat the dragon, they can get it all back.

The entire party is starting over as level 1 characters in Long Florida! Everything that has previously happened is still there. If they want to trek halfway to the other side of the planet and end up in the great desert of Cha’alt, they can do that.

THE PARTY

Cleavus Rickshaw – Florida Man 1 – Has a rickshaw he carts his possessions around in. The player wasn’t here for the session, so he hung out outside the dungeon, passed out drunk.

Ralphina – Anti-Paladin 1 – She’s gonna wreck it! Has a proficiency in Craft (Long Pork Dishes). Possibly the cousin of Kiki, the Cthonic Witch that loved to eat people.

Honest Ivan – Venturer 1 – Spent most of his starting gold on tchotchkes and sundry items to sell. Also, has a pot-bellied pig (same stats as a hunting dog) named Leopold. On his character sheet, his alignment was listed as “Negotiable”.

Attheu – Elven Enchanter 1 – Pretty average stats across the board.

Snookums – Thief 1 – Talking cat with the same stats as a thief. Hired help.

TORDEK, SON OF TORDEK – Dwarven Vaultguard 1 – Sounds like Brian Blessed when he speaks. Hired help.

THE SESSION

The party was hired by a local merchant to clear out a castle full of monsters. Said merchant had purchased the castle and found out is was infested with nasty creatures.

They make their way out to the castle. Due to my current living situation, skyclad dice rolling is not an option. Thus, the party did not encounter anything on the way out there.

The pig leads the way up the slope to the castle doors. The party intends to use the sensitive nose of the pig to guide them to the monsters.

Some exploration quickly uncovered four goblins arguing about treasure. They had two piles of coins sitting out the floor. Honest Ivan, always trying to make a sale, offered to sell them a couple of sacks. The goblins agreed and scooped the treasure into the sacks.

Upon remembering that they had agreed to clear the place of monsters, Ralphina jumped into the room and declared that she was going to wreck it. “It” being the goblins.

Battle ensued. Snookums the Cat Burglar and Leopold the Pig took some damage, but stayed on their feet.

Two goblins were cut down relatively quickly. Attheu chose to throw lawn darts rather than cast any spells. A failed morale roll lead tot he remaining two goblins to surrender. However, Honest Ivan was having none of it.

“You stuck my pig!”

Battle was rejoined and the goblins were fighting for their lives, cornered in a room full of their ill-gotten treasure. A nearly maximum damage arrow went into Ivan. He was shot through the heart and a goblin was to blame. Alexa, this is so sad. Play “You Give Love A Bad Name” by Bon Jovi.

The final two goblins went down and the party tried to revive Honest Ivan. Alas, he rolled poorly on the Mortal Wounds table and perished. His body, as well as the bodies of the goblins were taken outside and dumped unceremoniously. This party is mostly Chaotic, by the way.

They take the treasure while Honest Ivan’s player rolls up a new character. I had the new character, a Shaman named Louis de la Croix and his totem animal, Evangeline the ‘gator, appear in a nearby empty room. They were napping and the party blundering around woke them up.

Easy way to add replacement characters, right there! #elite #secretsofpros #BROSR

The session ended shortly after, but it was a good foundation for next week. For the first time ever, all the characters are either Chaotic or Neutral. I expect many a shenanigan!

THE GRAVEYARD

Honest Ivan – Venturer 1 – Shot through the heart by a goblin arrow – Died in session played on the 7th of November in the year of Our Lord 2021.

In an event that hasn’t happened since the very first session of the campaign, there was a TPK last night. And it was was a brutal one.

The players found a magical portal that took them to a strange land called “Florida”. Once there, they met a witch who controls one of the towers at the ‘Versity of South Florida. She tasked them with finding mathematical text books to help her recharge the portal and generally increase her magical knowledge (‘cuz we’re pseudo-Jack Vance around here).

They went into the library, which is infested with all kinds of nasty creatures such as Virchads, capable of fighting in melee and casting spells.

They found some textbooks and returned to the witch. She, along with her Florida man consort, were quite pleased. She gave them magical palm frond armor which allows the wearer to Hide in Shadows like a thief of their level while outside. They decided to go back into the library for more treasure.

After an unknown force took over the bard’s mind and tried to convince everyone to fall asleep in an allegedly safe room, they fought off some necromantic constructs made from numerous corpse torsos stuck together in a line. A…necropede, if you will.

Finally, they opened a door and came face to face with a meth dragon. Due to the reaction roll, it gobbled up one of the summoned banana men the party uses to facecheck doors for traps in the dungeon and asked for some tribute. It intended to take some tribute and leave them alone.

But this party does NOT pay tribute or tolls for passage. Ever. They are as focused on not paying tributes or tolls as those out-of-control couponers who bring expired coupons or coupons for different products and expect they cashier to redeem them.

So they roll initiative.

And they don’t realize that they are in a line in the hallway outside the room.

And they don’t know that meth dragons have a breath weapon that shoots in a line.

Two blasts of meth breath later and the entire party is at negative hp.

Out of kindness (despite everything that has happened IRL, I haven’t lost all my humanity yet), I gave them a 25% chance that the meth dragon would revive them, addict them to meth, and use them as pawns in his schemes.

The dice said, “No.”

They are all dead. The wealth they carried in the Fanny Pack Of Holding, as well as 2+ years of magical items, have now been added to the horde of the meth dragon.

Can I get some Fs for the deceased?

RIP in peace
Benway the Blessed (Chaotic Cleric 8)
Felicity the Docile (Lawful Cleric 9)
Jim Bob the Useful (Bard 7)
Sophen (Mothperson Knight 7)
Aurana (Warlock 8)
Thassuras (Thrassian Gladiator 6)
Cutie (weird duck monster thing that thinks Thassuras is its mommy)

Alexa this is so sad please play “Hope is Low for Solo Violin” from the Child of Light OST

I had the misfortune of coming across a blog post about the classic B2: The Keep on the Borderlands.

Here it is in an archive, because I don’t want the original author getting clicks. Maybe the author is serious, maybe he is click-baiting, I don’t know. But it is stirring up anger, which can’t be good for my heart (especially since I was all-but-forced to get the vaxx in order to keep familial relationships intact). There will be some cursing. Please forgive my outbursts, dear reader.

I’m going to quote a few passages at length and dissect them. Let’s go.

Author’s Note: I am not trying to police anyone’s fun. I think running Borderlands entirely straight could be a lot of fun. However, I want to present a reinterpretation based on the text of the adventure. I present a world that is less black-vs-white and more gray-vs-gray. This tends to open up more choices for players to make. And more choices lead to better games.

I’ve played B2 (never ran it) and it IS a lot of fun. Do it sometime with a new party.

The phrase “reinterpretation based on the text of the adventure” is telling. Let me translate it into plain English. “I want to be a subversive edgelord by playing semantic games with the text as written. I want to take things out of context and put my 21st-century ideas into a game full of pre-modern ideas.”

Also…

FUCK GRAY MORALITY

We are all adults. We know that people are complex. Good people sometimes do bad things and bad people sometimes do good things. This does not make good and evil (or in the case, law and chaos) meaningless. Only Chaotic degenerates promote that kind of thinking. DO NOT ALLOW THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE TO HAVE A POSITION OF INFLUENCE IN YOUR HOBBY / CHURCH / SOCIETY.

If you have an inkling of morality, you will understand. If this makes no sense to you and you believe that evil is good / good is evil, go to church.

The Keep is “one of civilization’s strongholds between good lands and bad.” The player characters arrive with “heart[s] that [cry] out for adventure,” so they have come to the Borderlands to make “forays against the wicked monsters who lurk in the wilds.” To satisfy their crying hearts, they are sent to the nearby Caves of Chaos (hereinafter, the “Caves”), “where fell creatures lie in wait.” 65% of the rumor table for the Keep is all about the Caves, and many of the other entries are tangentially about the Caves. It is the talk of the town. And once there, it is primarily a slug fest. There is little information given about the motivations of the Caves’ denizens beyond wanton destruction, so player-characters must clear the caves with bloodshed. No treaties are to be negotiated. This is a tale as old as time. The heroes are exceptional people, defending the good from all the evil that means it harm.

Yes, the keep IS a stronghold of civilization. Yes, the players (and thus, the characters) DO want to go adventuring. That is why they sat down at your table! If you don’t want to go adventuring, don’t play D&D. Play a sodomy simulator like 5E or something.*

You might think that the Caves of Chaos are a combat slog if you have never cracked the pages of a D&D rulebook. There’s this weird thing on page B24 of the Basic book, you know the system that this module was designed for. You see, when you encounter monsters, there are these dice you roll and you know what, there is a chance they may not attack. Maybe they’ll talk. Maybe they will work with the adventurers.

Now, what could the monsters want? Good question! Before I answer that question, let me ask one. Ever been to an HOA meeting? Ever hear about an HOA meeting?

People in an HOA are all (theoretically) united in one goal: keeping their community a good place to live. But they disagree on how to do it. They will say savage things to each other. Making deals, backstabbing, grasping for power, etc. The entire spectrum of human cooperation (and non-cooperation) exists there.

How much more would a bunch of different inhuman monster groups disagree with each other? Instead of Susan backstabbing Larry by withdrawing her support regarding his proposal to change the acceptable grass length in everyone’s front lawn, it could be the goblins asking the party to literally stab the orcs in the back. Maybe monster group A wants the treasure that monster group B has. Perhaps monster group C wants to be the supreme leader of the other monster groups and they ask the party to help beat the other groups into submission. There are so many things you can do with these different factions of monsters.

And regarding the author’s point that the player characters are exceptional people that defend the good from the evil… YES, that is the point! It takes an exceptional kind of person to go into the dark, to go into the unknown to fight the evil that lurks there. If everyone could do it, there wouldn’t be evil monsters out in the wilderness!

The tone of Borderland’s Background section left me a bit incredulous. It paints a picture of a contest Good versus Evil. The Keep and its inhabitants are Good, the monsters in the Caves are Evil. The player characters must “remain faithful and ready to fight chaos wherever it threatens to infect the Realm.” The player-characters must be the fittest, in the social Darwinist sense: “adventurers meet the forces of Chaos in a testing ground, where only the fittest will return to relate the tale.” The evil denizens of the Caves “press upon [the Realm’s] borders, seeking to enslave its populace, rape its riches, and steal its treasures.” Frankly, it sounds like thin blue line propaganda—the adventurers are all that stands between the Realms of law and good and the forces of Chaos which threaten to overwhelm civilization. But maybe the Keep really is so good and virtuous!

Yes, the Keep is Good! Civilization is better than savagery. Imperfectly trying to enforce laws and defend the innocent is infinitely better than eating babies. This isn’t fucking rocket science. You don’t have to be a PhD in philosophy to grasp this point.

And yes, the social Darwinist thing does exist in a way. While there is always a random roll that can mess things up, better players tend to have characters that survive. The characters may not have the best stats, but if the players are smart and make good decisions, the characters might survive. #YouCanWinAtRPGs Level up your game. Try a new tactic, try being more careful. D&D isn’t Candyland. Play better. Pursue excellence.

Let’s look at the “thin blue line propaganda” line. WOO BOY! I’m not here to talk about real life issues regarding the police. There is a time and a place for those kinds of discussions. But D&D ain’t it. It’s not some false propaganda when THERE ARE LITERAL MONSTERS THAT LIVE IN NEARBY CAVES THAT WILL KILL AND EAT YOU IF GIVEN THE CHANCE. THEY ARE AGENTS OF PRIMORDIAL CHAOS AND EVIL, THEY ARE NOT SIMPLY HUMANS WITH GREEN SKIN. Say what you will about modern policing, but the police deal with other humans, not monsters. This is not an apples-to-apples comparison.

If brutal monsters that are vaguely human shaped were coming into my community and attacking people, I would want them violently put down. If an orc were trying to kill a loved one, perhaps your spouse or parent or child, wouldn’t you want the orc taken care of permanently as well?

Remember, the most peaceful scenario in dealing with inhuman monsters is bribing them to leave you alone. And there’s no guarantee that they will keep to their agreement. Or demand more and more. These monsters truly are the OTHER. They are not human, nor will they ever be. Much modern media tries to depict monstrous beings as misunderstood (or even worse, noble savages), but this is NOT the context they are presented as in this module. If you want orcs to be misunderstood beings, PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME.

“The Realm of mankind is narrow and constricted. Always the forces of Chaos press upon its borders.” This is the first line in the Background section (the first line of the narrator—before that it is simply Gygax as Gygax giving GMing advice). But is it true? Returning briefly to 4e D&D’s Points of Light setting, the “Realm of mankind” is certainly in decline. People live in the wake of fallen empires, and ruins dot the landscape. This is a world in which chaos is pressing on the borders of lawful societies. But while the Keep exists on the borderlands of this Realm of mankind, it appears that the border is expanding, not contracting. If it were contracting, we might expect abandoned keeps or other ruins of mankind beyond the Keep. Instead, there is nothing of the sort (although, again, the wilderness is lightly keyed). Instead, the Keep seems to be built to mark and defend the borders—it is an expansionary project, an imperialist project. Does the enthusiasm to clear the Keep of their monstrous inhabitants stem from a desire to protect the Keep and its citizens, or from a desire to expand further?

The very structure of the adventure is evidence that, even if the Realm of mankind is narrow and constricted now, it is attempting to expand. If the forces of Chaos were truly hellbent on the destruction of the Keep and all it represents, perhaps there would be evidence of a recent assault on the Keep when the player-characters arrive, an assault that the Keep was barely able to fend off. The Castellan implores the player-characters to lend a hand to protect the Keep from a vicious onslaught. The combined forces of Chaos, a rare alliance between goblins, gnolls and orcs, rally an even larger invasion force, and the player-characters must rally the Keep and beat back the advance of Chaos. After they save the Keep from certain destruction, the player-characters would then sally forth to deal a final blow to the remaining agents of Chaos, who fled the battle of the Keep with their tails between their legs. This is not how the adventure is structured. It is the player-characters, as agents of the Keep, that make the first move—invading the Caves of Chaos. And it doesn’t appear the fractious tribes pose any threat to the Keep. They aren’t making any attempts to join forces. Even the orcs have a tenuous relationship with…the other orcs. And you won’t find any siege weapons under construction in the Caves of Chaos. Instead, you mostly find tribes of these humanoids, simply residing in their homes. The module takes great pains to illustrate the family structures of these groups. Even the number of young is listed. They do mostly attack the player-characters on sight, but is that so unreasonable in the face of a home invasion?

OH NO! IMPERIALISM AND COLONIALISM IS BAD!

Actually, it is good.

To be fair, we cannot compare historical imperialism and colonialism to fantasy imperialism and colonialism. As terrible as the Aztecs were, they were still human beings, not primordial creatures of chaos and evil.

Orcs =/= human beings

Goblins =/= human beings

Kobolds =/= human beings

Tieflings =/= human beings

Is it clear yet?

These monsters may not seem to be a threat right now, but they are a threat to humanity. They are beings spawned in the darkest reaches of the earth. They are chaos given a mockery of human form and even reproduce in a mockery of humans. Killing monster children is a good and noble act in the same way that killing human children is an evil and ignoble.

Even if the orcs aren’t building siege engines, they will still raid the country side. And they WILL be a problem in the future. Remember, they aren’t human, they are physical manifestation of chaos!

Much like pests in your home, if you see one, there are more in hiding. You must take care of the problem when it is small.

Also, I would like to point out, far from being innocents living in caves, these monsters have done something evil. Where did they get their treasure from? Innocently trading homemade goods with human merchants?
No.
They stole it from someone. An innocent family looking for a new life on the frontier, a lonely merchant peddling his wares far from home, or a humble traveler.

Kill all monsters. B2 is awesome.

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* I regret anything kind I ever said about 5E. I was wrong.

I think you should cut your hands off, wave your bloody stumps around.*

Maybe that is a bad idea, but do cut out the big media companies out of your media diet! As Brian Niemeier says, “Don’t give money to people who hate you”. And let’s be frank, other than your money, most big media companies hate you. They put out garbage that insults your morality and is of low quality. Don’t misunderstand; I’m not saying that all fiction must be pure and wholesome and explicitly put forth a Christian worldview full of scenes where characters listen to sermons.

I mean something with defined good and evil, even if characters don’t always live up to it (just like real people). Something that doesn’t glorify moral relativism and evil acts.

Lately, I have been doing that by reading books by smaller publishers and self-published. And, I don’t want to go back. The fiction is cheaper and better quality. A real win-win.

First up, there is Deus Vult written by Jon Del Arroz. I’m more a fan of his novels than his comics**, but his comics are an enjoyable read. In particular, Deus Vult portrays a crusader who gets taken to another realm and fights demons. Ready for this?

THE CRUSADER IS THE GOOD GUY

He tries to help the cat people he meets and kill the demons that torment them. He isn’t some deluded zealot looking to hurt innocent people. He wants to protect them. On top of that, the art and colors evoke a 70s comic book look, which I thought worked. The back cover preview on Amazon will give a good look at the colors and art style you can expect to see inside. The writing, art, and colors all mesh together quite well. If you had handed this to me and told me that it came from the 1970s, I would believe it. Nothing like this is coming out of the modern big company comics industry.

Next is The Paths of Cormanor by Jim Breyfogle. If you are a frequent reader of Cirsova (which you better be!!!), you will recognize Mr. Breyfogle’s name from the Mongoose and Meerkat stories. Those are good stories. Top notch stuff. I backed the Kickstarter, so I received the book before it was made available to the general public.

This is mythic literature. It is myth and fairy tale, close enough to the real world, yet it is not our world. If Mongoose and Meerkat are good, this is great. The characters are believable and down-to-earth, despite the strange events that occur. They make sense in a way that is truly real. I struggle to find the words to describe how good this is. In my eyes, Mr. Breyfogle has elevated himself from “that guy who writes some fun stories” to “that guy who writes incredible fiction”.

Light Unto Another World by Yakov Merkin has been a surprise hit for me. I backed his crowdfunding campaign, so I have read the first five volumes. It is a genre (isekai) and style (light novel) I don’t have much familiarity with. Fast paced tales of action and adventure in another world.

Mr. Merkin really emphasizes the Jewishness of the character, which gives his series a unique twist. His character tries to follow the Jewish faith as best he can far from any rabbis or synagogues. As a Christian, I desire that all non-Christians (including, but not limited to, Jews, Muslims, pagans, and atheists) to come to the Lord Jesus Christ, but this series still gets my seal of approval. The story flows quick and is a great afternoon read! There will be more volumes, and I am looking forward to it.

Finally, Jon Del Arroz is on this list again with his Aryshan War trilogy. It scratches the itch for space opera and romance. It even pokes a little fun at Star Trek in book 2. (If you read this Mr. Del Arroz, I saw what you did there) Pure sci-fi entertainment with space battles and aliens, which is exactly what I was looking for. Now that the whole trilogy is out, it is a complete story with a beginning, middle, and satisfying ending.

Are you reading anything good?

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* Do not actually cut your hands off. https://open.spotify.com/track/0LbiWdxopGqqOVZh9pe36H?si=1f1e7c9179664fcb

** Never read many comics until recently. Growing up, I read a handful of (non-superhero) comics from the 60s, but next to nothing modern. A lot of my knowledge of comic books comes second-hand via cultural osmosis. Recently, I gave independent comics a chance. Only a few, but so far, I have been pleased.

I make no money from any purchases made via the links in this post. Neither from the product itself or any sort of affiliate program.

We have finalized the Cirsova lineup for 2022! This is going to be an incredibly exciting year. Major features include not only the serialization of Michael Tierney’s Orphan of the Shadowy Moons, a sword & sandal sci-fi epic from the 70s seeing publication for first time, but the serialization of an original sword & sorcery […]

Cirsova 2022 Lineup! — Cirsova

Check out the Winter 2022 issue! Under my pen name of “John Daker”, I have a story in that issue.

Of course, I highly recommend each and every issue of Cirsova. I’ve said it before and I will said it again: Cirsova is the best short fiction magazine on the market right now. Period.

Pick up some back issues, back the latest Kickstarter, and check out his blog for the latest information.