A Fresh Breath...

It all started a couple days ago. Nothing was different. I was playing with Aurora and her play-doh (her newest obsession, which is great because I have a feeling Santa is bringing her a HUGE play-doh set!), and Audrey was bouncing in her bouncer. Audrey was over it and needed some attention and boy she will let you know when she's needing you! 

I went over and picked her up and she snuggled her face right into my neck. She has done this thousands of times. She does it to Bert, my mom, really anyone. But there was something different about this time. A connection. I felt like my heart exploded with more love than I could contain. I just started crying. So many tears rolled down my bare face that morning - mostly happy ones, feelings of joy and love overwhelmed my body. It was similar to when I first saw Aurora when she was born, but so different. I felt like I was seeing Audrey for the first time all over again. She looked at me and smiled and then...my heart broke. 

I kept crying but now for a different reason. I have let her down, I have neglected her emotionally. I have not been her best mommy. And she still loves me!?! Why would God give me this baby who is capable of such kindness and beauty inside and out when I am so selfish I couldn't love her fully the first 5 months of her precious, innocent life. I felt guilt. I felt pain. 

She snuggled her face back into my neck and I just hugged her. We danced to music that played softly in the background. Normally, this is when Aurora would come and demand I hold her 'like a big girl' and want 1/2 of my attention too. Luckily she was completely engrossed in her play-doh she allowed me my time with Audrey. 

From then on my days have been a little clearer. I have felt like I've been walking in a cloud, a very dense fog that makes it hard to breathe. And from that moment Audrey looked at me with innocence and love that I knew was always there, but just couldn't SEE...I can breathe. I don't feel like a rock is resting on my chest weighing me down, drowning me in my own self-pity. I feel light. I feel free of all that 'yuck' I was stuck in. 

And THAT is a good feeling. 

A Very Personal Post, Indeed...

**sigh** where do I start? As some of you know, I've been pretty open and honest about my struggle with Post-Partum Depression. It really started during my pregnancy with Audrey. It got worse and worse and I knew I had to get on something (anti-depressant) the minute Audrey was born. I was not going to wait around for me to 'hit rock bottom'...I wanted to nip it in the bud asap! So I did. But I'm horrible at taking my pills. I've struggled with depression off and on my whole life. I feel like since having Audrey I'm less weepy now - the first 2 months were the worst for constant crying and feelings of disconnect from my family. I still feel very sad, and I've struggled figuring out why. I have a beautiful family. Both girls are in perfect health. My husband is working (constantly) and going to school to better himself for us. I get to stay home with my girl and teach them what I want to teach them. We don't have our own house, but we are working towards it, have close to no debt to stress about. Seems like the perfect recipe for happiness.... so why am I miserable? 

I love Audrey, don't get me wrong. I would give my life for both my girls without question. But for some reason I cannot get past the feelings of missing my life without her. I wanted Aurora SO desperately - my heart exploded with love the minute I saw her. She was my whole world for 2 years. If the only child I was ever given was Aurora, I would have been completely content. Audrey was a surprise, though not unwelcome. I wasn't quite ready to give up my routine with 1 child, or my body I had worked SO hard for. We weren't in the financial place we wanted to be before #2 came, but I guess that's where we fell short - obviously we weren't doing enough to not get pregnant and when I got pregnant I was just starting to feel ready to TRY. I honestly thought we would have to do all the fertility stuff we had to do with Aurora. I wanted to WANT this new baby. Much like I did with Aurora. 

When Audrey was born, it was a beautiful day. I was happy - to have her here? I suppose. But the sad, miserable, selfish part of me overtook that joyful day and I was just happy to not be pregnant. The only thing I could think was how fast can I get back on that treadmill and get this body back! The past 4 months have been hard. Audrey has been a demanding baby, so different than Aurora. But she is so sweet. She is getting so much better as she gets older. There are times more and more lately that I look at her and my love for her grows. It wasn't an immediate love with her. We were more like strangers that are just getting to know each other. There are days, that I miss only having one. I miss only having my attention divided one way. I'm struggling how to make sure both girls are getting what they need - and still have enough energy to do everything else that needs to be done and keep ME a priority too. I have to have my time or I cannot be a good mom to either of these sweet girls.  

I wonder if I'm the only one sometimes that could ever feel this way about a child. Or do women just not want to admit it? There are days I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Those days are less and less, but they still are here. There were days, early on, where I felt like driving my car into the side barrier of the freeway. There were days where I would hold a knife to my wrist thinking it could all just be over that quick. It was such a dark and ugly place to be. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave my girls. God gave them to me for a reason and I have to teach them and love them every day. I just couldn't bare the thought of not snuggling them every day. 

The guilt sets in. How could I feel this way about Audrey when I wanted Aurora so badly. I never want her to know I felt this way about her. Seems so unfair to her. 

I love Aurora. She is my world, she is my baby I prayed and prayed for every single day. She holds such a huge piece of my heart forever. 

I don't love Audrey that way. I love her in a completely different way, almost un-explainable. She is teaching me. I have a feeling she is teaching me more than I can ever teach her in a lifetime. My love for her is growing, so steadily and gradually. Which I guess seems unfair to her in one part of my brain. But the other side of me knows we have an amazing connection I can never have with Aurora - and vice versa. 

Part of a {LDS General Conference} talk I recently read was this...

Having young children is not easy. Many days are just difficult. A young mother got on a bus with seven children. The bus driver asked, “Are these all yours, lady? Or is it a picnic?”

“They’re all mine,” she replied. “And it’s no picnic!”⁸

Boy isn't that the truth. I don't think you have to have 7 kids to feel that way either. I have good days and bad. I just hope the good days are full of memories and the bad days will pass quickly... 

I'm really sorry if this is all scatter-brained. It's basically my mind spilling out onto the keyboard! I just need to spill my guts every once and a while. I think it will help my healing...so please, again, forgive me. 

-Erin

A New Me?!?

It's happened. I've committed 100% again to my fitness. I can remember feeling this way after Aurora was born, though she was about 8 months old. I remember having an overwhelming feeling to sign up for a race, and I did. I hadn't ran in years, but I committed myself to it, and I did it! That was the start of my health kick! 

Then I got pregnant with Audrey, I stayed committed and ran like a maniac my whole pregnancy. After she was born I took 2 weeks off and started slowly back into my running, but haven't had the motivation to tune in my eating habits and haven't fully committed to ME again. Part of my awful postpartum, perhaps? Then the other day, nothing different, nothing new, just another day at home with my two girls - and it happened. Except totally different. I stumbled across a fitness regime that sounded interesting. I looked more into it and it seemed just right for me. Nothing that I don't already know - nothing that I haven't already tried, but for some reason - that day - it hit me - - and I committed! 

So here I am. On day 4 of a 12 week 'program', though I like to think of it as my new lifestyle. I know I'll slip up, I know I'll cheat, but don't we all? It's how fast you get back up that matters. I'm feeling amazing. Tracking every single ounce of food that touches my lips (thank goodness for Livestrong for making it easy on me)! I am lifting like I'm superwoman - building lean sexy muscle - doing each rep till failure and doing those ugly faces in the mirror I'm hoping no one sees! The 'program' says no cardio for the first phase (4 weeks) but I know I can't do that...I'm sneaking in a couple runs a week! You can't stop me - I dare you to try! ;) 

{{Stay Tuned for "Before" and "After Phase 1" Pictures!}} 

Mini Apple Pies

Recently my mom brought me a whole bushel of apples from my Grandpas Orchard. There is no way we could eat all those, so I made these little beauties and gave some away, just for fun! They are yummy - easy - and yummy...oh wait, already said that. 


I'm NOT doing the macros on these because, quite honestly, I don't want to forget to post this and don't have the time (today) to enter in all the info... maybe stay tuned for a follow up post...otherwise, throw caution to the wind for one day and just enjoy! 

WHAT YOU NEED:

2 Pillsbury refrigerated pie crusts softened as directed on box. (Or any other pie crust you wish...if you are more domestic than me, you'll make your own, but with a crazy 2 year old and a 3 month old I just didn't have the time, or desire to make it)

(about) 4-5 Apples, cored, finely chopped 

2 1/2 Tbsp Agave Nectar

2 Tbsp whole wheat flour

1 tsp Apple Pie Spice

2 tsp vanilla

Homemade Granola

WHAT YOU DO:

Heat oven to 425 F. Remove crust from pouch, unroll on work surface.Using large round cookie cutter, cut out rounds. Gather up any scraps : reroll with rolling pin and cut out more rounds to make a total of 16. Press each crust round into ungreased regular-sized muffin cup.

In medium bowl, stir all ingredients together except Granola. Divide mixture evenly among crust lined muffin cups. 

Sprinkle with Granola. Bake 18-20 mins or until crusts are golden-brown and mixture is bubbly. Cool completely in pan, about 30 mins. (VERY IMPORTANT!). With knife, loosen edges, and remove from muffin pan. 

TIPS:

I topped it off with a tiny scoop (ok, maybe a couple scoops) of Butter Pecan Ice Cream. 

Cinderella Shoes

Once upon a time there was a Princess named Erin. She loved to run! She ran races and ran all over town with two Mini Princesses in tow (because I don't quite want to be Queen yet!) . One day, after a 10 mile run, she noticed her left knee hurt and quickly tendonitits became present in her right foot. She limped and cried every day for over a week. When her Prince Bert asked if she wanted new shoes she replied "NO! These shoes are great, I just got them less than a year ago, they are great!" 

....ok, enough of that. I can't bare to write in the 3rd person fairy-tale garble any longer! You get the point though, my feet were killing me and I refused new shoes. Then I went and got fitted at a local store while picking up a race packet. I tried on a bunch of new shoes and finally settled on a pair. Put them on hold in the thoughts that I'd be picking them up the next day because of payday. That night I did research on the 'neutral' shoe I was told would be a good fit for me. I have a 'slight' pronation on my right foot, but was told it was so slight I could fit in either a stability or neutral shoe. The next morning instead of just going with what I normally would and picking up the shoes on hold, I went to another local running specialty store, told them what the other store told me and they, 2 salesmen, completely disagreed. Said there is no way I should be in a neutral shoe. 


I was there for over an hour. Talking shoes, running, socks, injuries, inserts, bands, etc.... you name it, we talked about it. I tried on probably a good 10 shoes. I ran in each of them. With Aurora along side as she was announcing to anyone in the store that "RUNNING SHOES ARE FUN!" Oh...I can't wait for her to run her first race!  anyway... 


I settled on an amazing stability shoe, oh did I mention a WHOLE SIZE UP from what I have been running in...since, oh - - I was in High School! I felt great in a 6.5 which is a half size up from what I'm used to, but when I tried on the 7 (only to please the salesman...thinking there is no way I want to be in a 7! I am proud of my small foot!) I could NOT believe the difference. My toes had room to breathe, to move! They weren't stuffed in a shoe, they cried "THANK YOU!" As soon as I put them on. 


The reason you'll hear runners getting mean blisters and black toenails from running (usually long distance running...1/2 marathons, etc...) is because your feet can swell a whole size after that long of a distance. Makes perfect sense. I just always thought my feet were fine. 


So here's my happy Cinderella shoe story ending. I have myself some amazingly cute Mizuno Wave Inspire 7's. I have ALWAYS ran in Nikes...but I am no longer sticking to one brand...if the shoe fits!!! Right!? I cannot wait to test run these tonight before my 2nd annual Wasatch Woman Love Your Body 10k tomorrow! 


Moral of the story:::  GET FITTED FOR SHOES! I cannot express how important it is. I'm not sure the reason we treat our feet so poorly with ill-fitting shoes when they carry us every single day to where we want to go. But it should be against the law! ;) Don't get me wrong, I love myself some sexy heels, but when I don't HAVE to be in them...you'll be seeing me sporting my new Mizunos! 


Happy Running Ya'll!!! 

Homemade Granola

REALLY?! My first post is REALLY going to be about food!? How appropriate! I LOVE FOOD! OM NOM NOM! I love healthy food, and I love sharing my recipes with ya'll! So I hope you enjoy.


A special request made by my cute sister-in-law was for a Granola recipe. I had one I have made before, but the other sunday my mother-in-law had bought a granola and I took bits from that granola and made my own. Here she blows!SO easy and SO yumm-o!


WHAT YOU NEED:

2 1/2 cups Wholegrain Rolled Oats

3 tbsp Flax Seed

3 tbsp Sesame Seed

1/4 cup Sunflower Seeds

1/2 cup Almonds, Whole

2 tsp Cinnamon Ground

1 tsp Sea Salt

1/4 cup Splenda Brown Sugar Blend

1/4 cup Oil, Canola

2 tbsp Clover Honey

1 tbsp Agave Nectar Light

1 tsp Organic Vanilla Extract

1 tsp Maple Extract

WHAT YOU DO:


Mix agave, oil, honey, maple extract and vanilla extract together in a small bowl and set aside. Mix all other ingredients in a large bowl. Add the oil mixture to the granola and mix well. Preheat oven to 350 F. On a rimmed baking tray lined with foil, spread the granola mixture out and bake for 20-ish minutes stirring every 10 min.


FOR THOSE THAT CARE:

Nutrition Facts

Serving Size: 1/4 cup

Amount per Serving

Calories 206

Calories from Fat 87.2

% Daily Value *

Total Fat 9.69g

14%

Saturated Fat 0.24g

1%

Cholesterol 0mg

0%

Sodium 65.57mg

2%

Total Carbohydrate 24.49g

8%

Dietary Fiber 4.26g

17%

Sugars 4.75g

 

Protein 4.6g

9%

Est. Percent of Calories from:

Fat

41%

Carbs

47%

Protein

8%

* Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calories needs.

A FEW TIPS:

**I bought my nuts and seeds at Winco Foods because you can buy them in bulk saving you LOADS of money! WHOOT!


** Don't overcook! When it comes out it should still seem a little undercooked. As it cools it will harden and clump up a bit. Store in an air tight container.

GASP! I'm back!?!

I'm deciding to blog again. And in looking at my blog - it needs some major updating. Looking at those sweet pictures of Aurora made me teary. Where did my little baby muffin go?! Crazy how life has changed since I even looked at this blog last. 


I'm deciding to make my blog very personal. Very opinionated. And very.... ERIN! It IS my blog afterall! I'm treating it as my own personal journal inviting you to take a peek as you wish. Lots of fun new recipes that I'm trying and loving along with my journey to a ROCKIN body! As well as my very personal battle with post-partum depression and other demons that are rearing their ugly heads right now. 


Stay tuned - it's going to be a bumpy crazy ride!