The Shift

I am now finding myself at an interesting part of life.  I call it "the shift." I have spent the last 10 years bringing children into this world. During those 10 years I didn't dare think about "the shift." It made me a bit crazy.  I had defined myself by my child baring.  It was what I was here to do; bring children into the world. I remember the beginning of this journey wondering how many children we would have.  People think we are crazy for having 6 children.  Sometimes I think so too. I would love to say it was all wonderful, but that would by an outright lie.  I HATED being pregnant more than anyone I dare say.  But the rewards have been countless. I love them so dearly!  They bless my life every day! 

The decision to stop having children has been so difficult.  Not that my sanity or body would allow me any more children, but I just want to do what my Father in Heaven sent me here to do.  So again, here I am at "the shift."  Yes, I still have an infant, and nobody has left the house just yet.. but now my focus has changed.  That is the part I have found the most interesting, let me explain.  The last 10 years have been devoted to diapers, feeding, potty training, walking, meeting their demands they couldn't meet themselves.  I do that a bit still, but it is changing.  Now it is helping with self esteem and spiritual development.  Now it is teaching them the Gospel and preparing for baptism.  Now it is solidifying who they are and discovering who they want to become.  My problem with all this is that I have forgotten who I want to become!  I have let go of who I am by defining myself by them.  Make sense?  But not anymore. I began a new blog that I am using to redefine myself.  After all, how can I help them discover who they are, if I don't know who I am?

I am very excited for this shift.  I am excited to not be blinded by the small demands that babies require, and to watch my children learn and grow.

Together At Last

We've been waiting a long time for Elise. First of all, we almost used her name for our first daughter. It didn't seem to fit, but I always had a special place in my heart for that name. Oddly enough it didn't seem to fit our second or third daughter either.
I never thought we would end up with six children! After four I could have been satisfied, but we felt perhaps Zachary would like a brother. Luckily Aiden was a boy and we could be done! Except that this little angel did not want to be forgotten.
Before I delivered Aiden I knew we still had another sweet little girl wanting to come. I tried so hard to shake the feeling as I did NOT want to be pregnant again. I am pretty sure nobody hates being pregnant more than me. When they handed Aiden over to me I smiled,and then I cried. I did not get that "all done feeling" like I had hoped I would. The next few months were an emotional roller coaster as I tried to come to accept the fact that we had yet another waiting to come. Finally I gave in and we got pregnant.
At that point I was quite excited but I miscarried that one and it all started over again. Maybe we really were done. Maybe I was wrong about these feelings, maybe they were my own fear of making a mistake. The emotional roller coaster was longer and had many more twists and turns. I was part of a singing group and did not want to be pregnant during the holiday season when we would be performing. I didn't have time to have a baby before then. I tried to plan and arrange so everything would be just right but nothing was going as I wanted it to.
After many months I came to the realization that this little child would be a gift. That the Lord had a plan and it wasn't up to me to create my own plan. We got pregnant and I would be in the thick of it right in the middle of the Christmas season, just as I was trying so hard to avoid. But I was determined to enjoy singing and performing regardless of the discomfort and embarrassment I may feel. It was a wonderful time as I was surrounded by amazing friends.
After Christmas time seemed to stand still. I had just 1 and 1/2 months left, but they were the longest months of my life so far. I quickly began feeling uncomfortable and the depression I always have sunk in. I began feeling like she would never come. I began praying that the baby would come, much sooner than I knew it should come. I started to feel almost angry that those prayers weren't being answered. I knew that the Lord had a plan. For several nights I had false labor for several hours. Each morning I would wake up angry that the baby didn't come... then I would find someone in my household was ill. We had everything you can get sick with going on at once! It seemed to go on and on and on!! I was grateful she was nestled inside during that time.
BUT the blessed day did come. Even though we were still dealing with illness, my body could not keep her anymore. Her labor and delivery were average, nothing out of the ordinary. She has been such a blessing. She is mostly content and calm, and so adorable! I have felt so much gratitude since she has been born! We have had such an outpouring of love and help from friends and family.
So, our family is finally complete. It feels great to know that little angel is finally here. We got to use that sweet name, and it fits her so well. Welcome to our family Elise!

Motherhood

With it being Mother's Day this weekend, my thoughts have have turned to two things: My experience AS a mother, and my life WITHOUT my mother.

As young women we often hear our mother's say "you'll understand when you have children of your own." At least I did. One Mother's Day, with the help of a friend, I was able to record myself playing some of my mom's favorite piano songs. I think it was by far the best gift I ever gave her. She listened to it a lot. I didn't really get it then. I thought I did, but now realize, I didn't. The other night I held a recital for my students. 3 of my children were included. As I sat there listening to my very own children playing the piano, I caught of glimpse of heaven. Music speaks to me, and to have my children producing the music was amazing! I am so proud of them. They are so talented and capable. God has given them so many beautiful talents, and I can't wait to see them develop throughout the years.

My children are beautiful creatures. But the best part is, they are mine. Forever. My mom also used to tell how beautiful she thought I was. "NAh, not me, maybe some of the other girls, but not me." That was always what went through my mind. Now, as a mother, I realize the beauty seen through a mother's eyes. My children are beautiful creatures.

I am honored to be a mother. I know I take it for granted. There is nothing like it; nothing as demanding, yet so fulfilling.

You would think after 10 years I would be used to the idea of being a mother without a mother. I still think of her every day! I still wish I could call her on the phone, ask for her advice, show her something I did, share my funny stories. I still wish I could smell her perfume or touch her soft face, or hear her laugh. I miss her!

Mother's Day is different for me, it is a reminder to live life with no regrets. To be the kind of mother I was blessed to have. One that teaches the gospel through quiet example, yet bearing a bold testimony often. My mother recognized the beauties of this world; whether it be by planting flowers or collecting fall leaves from the mountains. She appreciated music, and I think helped instill that love in me. I used to love listening to her play the piano or sing. My mother always knew when something was wrong. I couldn't hide anything from her. I loved her for that. I pray I too can provide the comfort and strength my children will need in times of trial.

I could go on and on about my mother, and about being a mother myself. These are but a few very jumbled thoughts that I had to write down so they would leave my brain. I am grateful for a day when I can reflect on just how amazing motherhood is. Thanks to all the women in my life who have supported me and loved me. Happy Mother's Day!

My cuties!

Please pray for Big Baby

I know it has been far too long since I have posted, but our lives have been a whirlwind lately. Today I have a few short minutes to blog a funny story:

Yesterday we (Zach, Anneli, Aiden, and I) were driving to the store when out of nowhere Anneli says in a somewhat dismayed tone, "Mom, you gotta pray for Big Baby cause her necklace broke cause of the shunder (thunder)." I was thinking, did I hear her right? I told her to do it but she said if she prayed she would just say poop. So I helped her say a little prayer for Big Baby. Then she decided that wasn't enough, now we needed to pray for Lotso so he would stop being so mean. I really didn't want to pray for another toy. This time I told her she had to do it on her own. She was very upset about that. Then Zachary piped in saying that who REALLY needed the prayers was Woody so he could get out. Anneli decided he was right so together they prayed for Lotso and Woody. Phew, all was well again; for a few minutes. Then the kids realized they had forgotten Buzz who got hurt! I was laughing inside, but also touched by their innocence, sweetness, and thoughtfulness. Wouldn't it be nice if we were all like that still?

Dancing Beauties Revisited

Kirsi and Kaylee got a chance to dance in the Riverton Arts Festival. It was a blast watching them perform, as it always is. They loved every minute of it. Sadly, we have to put an end to then dancing for now. We just purchased a new car, and dance eats up too much of our budget. The girls are devastated, but I think it will be okay. We will find other things to occupy our time. I will sure miss seeing them dance though! The pictures of them actually dancing were not that great. Some lady with big hair kept blocking our view. Bummer.

Goodbye Imagine Preschool

I have decided to take a bit of a turn on my blog. In the past I have mentioned the events in our families life that have been significant or fun. I will still do that, but more importantly I want to focus on the reason we cherish these things. The reason being that life is short, childhood is short. I want to be reminded to smile at the little things, to laugh instead of cry, and to take time to play. I hope this blog will bring joy to its readers as our families grows, celebrates, laughs, and plays. Having said that.. lets celebrate Zachary!!

We will miss you Miss Amy!!! Kindergarten here we come!

Riddle Time

What do you get when you add these?..

You get this...

Then this...

and finally this..

Could have been worse I guess..