Quarentine Thoughts, Disappointments and Accomplishments

Wow, well we are still here! Home most of the time, lots and lots of time with family and occasional visits with small groups of friends. It's such a strange time. I love not having the hustle and bustle and busy schedules and worry a lot about what it will feel lie to go back to work, school, church and sports. I love the slow pace and our schedule being wide open to do as we please, but there has been lots of things we had planned to do that have been cancelled because of the virus:

BYUI Graduation
Chloe's Birthday Party
Banff/Cardston
Palmyra Pageant
Girls Camp
Family Camp
Youth Leadership
Mommy and Me Camp
Washington DC Temple Dedication

It's a weird feeling. I feel sad for awhile, but then I feel guilty being heartbroken over these things because so many I know have been through job loss, wedding cancelations, no prom, no visiting loved ones, and sickness and loss without proper funerals. It makes my traditions and plans seem small, but I can't help in being disappointed from time to time. It saved us a lot of money not travelling at all, so we bought 2 new vehicles and made a plan to save some money and pay off our mortgage quicker, which was really liberating. We made lot big decisions about finances, goals for our kids and their mental/physical health, house projects and long term career goals. I had time to think clearly about things instead of flying by the seat of my pants and only being able to think day to day. I lost 10 pounds then gained 12 back, so I'll have to do something about that at some point.

I feel that I went from having 101 things to do between family, school, church, work, friends, etc. to having nothing but time, and my poor Darryl's load has not been lightened at all. He graduated when I did and jumped right into a Post Bach program and has more on the go than ever. At the end of this summer, he will achieved 28 credits in 4 months (from 3 different online schools) needed for his Masters in Education program that luckily is online now in the fall. Originally he was going to Buffalo every other weekend for the next 16 months. Neither one of us ever planned on graduate school, but he feels really motivated to head in this direction, so it's a mad dash to the finish line in September so he can start this next journey. He still runs his own business full time, serves on the High Council, Stake YM's president, teaches Institute ever week and still manages to be there for all of us. The list goes on and on and I wish I could help him more. His days are jammed packed and we are lesuirely sleeping in and doing as we please, so I wish he could breathe a little easier.

We try and do some fun things to pass the time. Thank heavens for cousins on both sides. They have saved my children's sanity. Lot's of FaceTime, swimming, sleeping in the tent, making slime, Tik Toks, ice cream and slurpees. They are so lucky to have each other.

I haven't been super motivated these last few days. I was accomplishing a lot before July hit, but now my motivation for all things house is at an all time low, but I have a feeling that even if school goes back, extra cirricular basketball and regular youth activities will not be starting up right in September and I will have time to do some more house stuff. Oh well. That's where we are at folks!

Projects I completed during COVID:

Garage cleaned out and organized
Spray paint patio furniture
New rugs and lights in the backyard
Rake all the leaves in the front and back
Repair dishwasher
Finish BYUI
Deep clean all 4 bathrooms
Deep clean all 4 bedrooms
Paint Carter's room and give it a makeover, new furniture, etc.
Wash upstairs hardwood and stairs
Clean out storage room
Put winter clothes away
Clean out hall closet and broom closet
Clean out white sideboard and organize games
Clean out kitchen cabinets
Clean out refrigerator
Take a load to the dump
Wash Pier One chairs and move them to the basement
Move bookshelf downstairs
Collect clothes for Diabetes pick up
Organize linen closet
Organize photo albums and put number stickers on them
Basement baseboards
Clean out mudroom
YW Graduation gift bags
Organize all home schooling/home church supplies
Put together a collection of my fave recipes in a binder
Clean out furnace room
Organize and deep clean playroom
Clean out deep freezer and meal plan
Clean my oven
Order diplomas and frames
Organize sheet music
Wash all bathmats and bedroom curtains
Wallpaper Claire's bedroom
Change up photos in the living room

8 weeks of Quarantine

Wow. Well 2020 is really coming in hot. Almost World War 3, recessions, school strikes, global pandemic....it's been a lot. I have had a lot of feelings, most of which I would feel guilty about sharing publicly, so I have saved it for this space that I don't think that anyone frequents and I can record it here. It's brought out a lot of feelings and it's been so good for my family.

Biggest surprise is that I have LOVED homeschooling, way more than I thought. I knew it was something I would be comfortable doing and I have always wanted to try it. I honestly have been in a school setting everyday of my life since I was 5 years old (excluding 4 years as a stay at home mom) It's kinda my comfort zone. I would be fine with this whole quarantine continuing for awhile just to keep these guys all to myself. I love controlling what influences are coming in and out of my home. I love that I can spend 30 minutes explaining a concept to Claire until sinks in. She needs that extra love and time. I have thought how school must be hard for her, being one of 27 kids. She needs that one on one and I'm here for it. She is so happy being home. She is our positivity queen and can always  Chloe is completely self-sufficient and is doing so well at completing her assigned tasks. She misses her friends and her teacher who she loved. Carter is right in the middle. He does well on his on for the most part and only needs help occasionally. Because I've done online school myself for the last 3 and half years, I feel prepared and capable and I am grateful for that. Once I got the passwords straight, we were off and running.

I've had so many thoughts about homeschool as we've been home. There has been SO many benefits. As much as I would love to make the switch permanently, my number one hesitation about homeschooling in the past is the social component that is missing and can't be imitated at home. While I am in no way promoting bullying, the schoolyard has a way of helping you find your place in the world with a little bit of harsh reality that I personally think is necessary for all kids. I have been an EA for 18 years, which means I have spent half of my life on yard duty. If you are and EA in elementary school, chances are you are on the playground every single recess, every single day. I can tell you there are so many benefits to kids being in that environment. Kids are brutally honest. They can't help it, and all though it can hurt to hear the truth, it builds a resiliency that helps most of us in the long run. Your mom probably won't tell your annoying. She's not going to tell you that she doesn't want to play with you because your a whiner. She's not going to put you in your place the same way your peers will, and without that, I feel that my kids would not be as well rounded as they are. They are confident because they are accepted by others outside of the home as well as by their dad and I, and I am glad I didn't rob them of this experience.

That being said, high school is a whole other story, with so much more at stake. The idea of sending my babies there makes my heart sink, so we will cross that bridge when we come to it. BYU has an online high school diploma that I would love my kids to do, but we will see. In their Grade 12 year they could take so many classes that would count for dual credit if they pursued a CES school (which I would love) but we will have to see what they want for their future. They may want to stay right here close to home, which would be fine with me as well... but since I am on such a roll sharing my true feelings, I will say that I worry about their future more than I should. It's not my life, it's theirs, and I don't want to have expectations that put unnecessary pressure on them. I want very specific things for them, but ultimately, I want them to feel happy and personally fulfilled.

Anyways, back to our Coronacation (Ella Morton told me this is what she calls it and I love it)

We get school out of the way by noonish every day and after lunch the kids have checklists of chores and reading. They are learning Billie Eilish songs on the flute, trumpet and drums and although it sounds rough, they love it. They have to get 10,000 steps before they can have screens, which they complain about sometimes and it's tough to get when it's cold out. Or pouring like today. But right now they are playing Just Dance with Darryl and loving it. Between the trampoline, basketball net, bikes and scooters, they are active and happier on the days we get outside. Carter and I went for a 2 hour walk the other day and it was so nice. We chatted about everything. I asked him if there was a girl he was in love with and he laughed and told me I was going "too far" with the chatting. He is allowed to play Fortnite a few days a week now and he LOVES it. We caved back in December when Santa wrote him a letter and told him it was OK with him if he got Fortnite on Christmas morning. I am so glad we did though, because in a weird way it has been a blessing during Corona, as much as I hate it. It is the best to hear him talking and laughing with his cousins and his friends from church and school on his headset. He is able to be social and joke around while still at home, which is a dream come true for a social/homebody like my sweet boy. I am grateful for Claire's best friend Ella. Those two have become closer during this quarantine and have spent hours on FaceTime. They have set up pet hospitals, fashion shows, stuffed animal movie theatres and American Girl parties. She does homework with her cousin Suzie on the IPad and laughs and plays. She interviewed her cousin Daisy on Facetime for a school project. In so many ways, this time at home has strengthened outside relationships. I am grateful none of the kids are at an age where they have phones and social media accounts that I have to monitor, because it's hard enough with the IPad. Chloe loves making Tick Toc dances with her sister on my phone. She is so driven with her school work and I never need to remind her or encourage her to get her assignments done. She has such amazing drive. She's been my little shadow and hasn't had much of desire to connect with her school friends the way my others have. She would love to go back to school, but she is so much like me in that she doesn't love Facetime/Zoom and feels awkward, so she can take it or leave it. Although she is super excited to share a song on her flute for the YW talent show we have coming up on Zoom tomorrow. I have been happy to finish my degree, homeschool, cook, clean and recently I've had required online training and activities to prepare for my students.

The biggest thing on my mind during this quarantine has been home much I love being a homemaker. I consider myself to be a fairly progressive woman. I would go as far to say I am a feminist. But I  have always wanted to stay at home full time. I have never really had a great desire to work outside the home. I loved being home for 4 years and when I chose my career, all I wanted was something that allowed me to most time with my own kids. I work to make money to do to the extra things for them and to be close to them. The only reason I'm not at home now is because I'm lucky enough to have a job at their school where I get to see every assembly, track meet, play and presentation and when I think about working halftime, I worry that I wouldn't be there to warm up their lunch in my classroom, run home and get their recorder on my break or meet them in the office when they have a bleeding nose.

The only reason I went to university and got a bachelor's degree was to show my kids it's important and they can do it too. I have no desire to do anything with it. My husband is starting his Masters in Education in September. I thought for a split second about joining him. We got our bachelor's together and it brought us closer, but I have no desire to continue. I just want to be home base for my kids. I have always wanted to show my children (especially my girls) that it's important to work and contribute outside of the home as well as inside of the home, but I have never really had a desire for much outside of these 4 walls. Anything I do or have done, they are the driving force behind why I do it. I really don't have many personal aspirations or goals of my own. I don't really have strong desire for much else. I feel like the feminist/rational side of my brain tells me this isn't healthy and I need to change. But my heart tells me it's fine. I have a mother and a mother-in-law who are wired the exact same way, and in their sixties, they are both blissfully happy and confident as the queens of their castles, and as wives, mothers and grandmothers. They have no regrets after living for their children, and the reap the benefits of having their children adore them and they relish in being amazing matriarchs. Again, not for everyone! And if my daughters or future granddaughters are reading this and don't feel the same way and want to go out and conquer the world in their own way, do it! But if by chance you don't feel that drive, know you are not the first to feel that way.

Being a mom and a wife is all I ever wanted and I feel completely content and fulfilled. I'm not saying this is how everyone should feel and I am so grateful that not every woman feels this way because there are so many women who bless my life through their amazing careers and the incredible lives they lead. But as I have has time to think these last few weeks, I have realized that the title of wife and mother are all I need to feel complete. I know that these years are fleeting. I know that my personality type is such that I will beat myself up with regret for years to come if I don't make the most every moment with these precious kids, and thus far I have no regrets, so I will keep on going the way I have been.

I will be devastated when this quarantine is over because I love the pace of this life so much more than my old one. I will need to make some major changes in the future to maintain some balance.

 for basketball. Her leg is a lot better and she is training to do a 5km run. Darryl is teaching his own Institute class on Wednesday nights and loves it so much. So that’s us. I’m kinda in this weird place where I’d pay a million dollars to be home a lone for a couple hours and then I want everyone together in the same room all together, all night. I sometimes I think I’m going to scream if I have to cook  anoth

er meal d I’m loving it at the same time. That’s  quarantine life for ya!

A new decade

Wow, it has been so long since I have written a personal post or any post at all for that matter. I began the Pathway program from BYUI in September of 2016 and blogging took a seat in the back because anytime I have opened my computer in the last 3 years, it has been for homework. But now that 2020 is going to bring a graduation from BYUI, I hope to blog more consistently.

I love documenting my life on Instagram, but I feel like I don't always bear my soul on there because of the large audience and fear of judgement. There was so many times in the last year especially that I wanted to write about some amazing things my kids had done or said, but I didn't want to sound like I was bragging or trying to present a picture perfect life. I have received a lot of messages like "how do you manage everything" or "your'e so busy all the time, slow down" or I could never be like you" Although most of the time, I felt like those messages came from a good place, there were times that I felt like they were a little insulting and I was left feeling hurt. My life is far from perfect, but I know in my heart of hearts that these are the good old days that I am going to miss are I will have 3 teenagers in the near future. I feel the Spirit prompting me to remember and record the good, because there is so much of it when your kids are this age. I thought about making my social media accounts completely private and the freedom that would give me to record everything there, but I like the connection to family and long distance friends, as well as just keeping in touch with the world.

Then I thought about this. I am so grateful for this little blog where I recorded so much of the early days of raising babies, I want to re-visit that habit and show this blog a little more love in 2020 to a much tinier audience in a public setting that hopefully my family can read someday. I also printed and bound this blog up until about 2017, so I would like to start a new decade off right. My patriarchal blessing it talks about compiling my family history and I feel that this blog is a small part of that.

Turning Tables

New Testament Class Entry

There are many principles that stood out to me during this week’s reading, but these were the three that stood out to me the most:

Matthew 21:12-13

12 ¶ And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,

13 And said unto them, It is written, My ^ahouse shall be called the house of ^bprayer; but ye have made it a ^cden of thieves.

I love this principle that Christ is teaching here. The love and respect He has for the sacredness of His Father’s house is so apparent. He loves His Father and hates to see Him disrespected in anyway. When I read this, I wanted to visual this portion of scripture, so I watched the Bible video of Christ turning tables in the temple and it enriched the experience for me.

It reminded me of a personal experience. In the past, I have a attended several “cake auctions” at church in order to raise funds for Girls Camp. It sometimes got heated and emotions ran high, with cakes going for absolutely ridiculous prices. I honestly thought of how the Savior would feel if He were there. I think sometimes we need reminded of how sacred our chapels and temples are.

New Testament Class Post

1.Matthew 5:14-16

14 Ye are the ^alight of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

15 Neither do men light a ^acandle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in  the house.

16 Let your ^alight so shine before men, that they may see your good ^bworks, and ^cglorify your Father which is in  heaven.

I loved these scriptures because it teaches the principle of being a good example. When this was the youth theme for the church, I loved how they focused on being an example of kindness, goodness and love. I love my Heavenly Father, and I need to do better at not hiding, but showings my good works by helping serve others around me. I truly feel that when we are in the service of our God, we are in the service of our fellow men. When we are actively trying to do good and be good, we also have heaven's help, and we can be directed to where we are most needed. The phrase "Good Works" always reminds me of the YW theme that I have said so many times before. It's so important to BE THE GOOD :)My goal for this class is related to faith. I would like to develop deeper faith in my testimony of this gospel.

I felt like last week as I focused on doing this, I was more conscious about seeking things out that strengthened my testimony, rather than question it. Something that helped build my faith in the gospel this week was the BYU Provo devotional that I watched on Tuesday night by Brother Huntsman. What he shared sank deep into my heart and gave me peace and comfort.