The Ending That Took 5 Months To Share

This might be my hardest truth and blog post to share but here it goes.  I have truly struggled the last few months.  I would like to recap the beginning so in February 2017 we were connected with the family in California.  I then began a daily relationship with the people there.  I fell in love with twin girls and we all (you all included) prepared for the arrival of twin girls.  Then we were devastated at their passing in June and of the loss of my friend.  We grieved together and I continued my relationship with the family in California.  Then in November they introduced us to the idea of adopting two other potential children and we began the emotional roller coaster again.  February 2018 we got on a plane and we never met anyone.  We were hurt and prepared to close the door.  One of my faithful blog followers used the ultrasound picture I received of the twins and was able to do reverse look up and found the exact same picture in a medical journal from many years ago.  The picture had been edited to include Taylor's name and dates.  This friend had the courage to be the messenger of such tragic news.  We were shocked.  We were hurt.  We were angry.  We were in denial.  How could this have all been made up?  How could I talk, text, and facetime with people living a lie?  Who would do this?  Why?  We had always been alert and wary to the potential of adoption scammers but we had always been on the alert for financial scamming not emotional scamming.  We confronted the people in California with the ultrasound picture.  The response was that they were hurt that we would imply something like this but they also didn't offer any other tangible proof to prove they existed and that their story was real.  We looked for an obituary to no avail.  They didn't try hard to deny anything and Matt said that for the emotional protection of our family we would no longer like to have any contact.  They said they understood and that was the end of that.  A one year relationship that consumed hours of my time every day dissolved in about 3 text exchanges.  I was devastated.  I didn't have much time to fully process this though because we were already knee deep in the 5 year old foster child saga at this point.  We survived life until mid-March when the foster child found another family.  Life went back to "normal" and I convinced myself I was fine.  April came and Matt was tasked with an upcoming deployment and I felt myself slipping.  It is like my emotional water cup capacity had reached full but I was balancing it and therefore fine and no water was spilling out unless you dropped one little bean in the cup and then the water sloshed over.  I would delicately find a way to balance another bean but another little drop was simply too much.  I've gained a ton of weight in the last few months and I made myself go to the doctor but everything in my labs came back normal.  I reached out to a different part of the medical community and have found myself with a diagnosis of situational depression.  I patiently explained to the doctor that the things on the checklist of depression didn't really apply to me because I was still exercising and doing everything on the checklist.  However, when she asked me if I was happy while doing the checklist I started sobbing.  Didn't really help my case that I am fine.  So I accepted the verdict of situational depression. Now doesn't a diagnosis make us all feel better? 

In an effort to heal I was asked to write this blog post.  I began blogging the hard things back when I started the adoption journey for Nathan.  I have blogged about heartache with adoption, losing my Mom, the journey of adoption again, and many other topics that are easier for me to share with everyone without saying it face to face.  When someone says, "How are you?"  The truth is I'm fine I'm probably having a great day filled with more blessings that I deserve but that doesn't mean there isn't also some battle that is being fought.  I'm sure many of us have these battles.  Blogging has become my outlet to share the hard truths without raining on someone's day in Target when they say how are you.  I like for people to know all of me and to be transparent but I just don't necessarily want to do it in the hallway where my mascara may run down my face. 

So, why didn't I blog this story?  If this is my source of an outlet and closure then why haven't I done it.  Two reasons, Matt and I were embarrassed and we didn't want to do more damage.  First the embarrassment.  How could we have created such a fictional relationship?  Where was our discernment and judgment?  It has taken me a few months to get here but I'm trying to remember that I usually see the good and expect the good from people.  This experience has left me scarred and a little more wary of my fellow humans.  I don't want to be like that though.  I want to still trust and see the best.  So I'm letting go of the embarrassment.  I was a victim of an emotional scammer.  I shouldn't be embarrassed that I trusted and loved.  Second, I didn't want to do more damage to all of you.  I took you on a ride.  You prayed with us, cried with us, and loved us through the whole journey.  So many of you found strength in some element of the story.  People said it inspired them to be better mothers, Christians, and people in general.  How could I take the only positive from the story and crush it?  I didn't want to.  I wanted to shield you all from it.   However, in trying to protect you I have carried this burden alone or mostly alone and it hurts too much.  So in summary the world sometimes hurts you in ways that you never expected.  You survive it.  You live it.  You see blessings through it.  You get better and then suddenly you realize that you may never be completely better.  You are forever altered but you need help in trying to take this new experience and not let it define you but simply refine you. 

Thank you for loving me in this journey.  Prayers as I prepare to move to a new city and live life with a deployed spouse.  I want to walk in and be awesome, peppy, happy, strong Vanessa.  I have had such a long couple of years that I feel tired and don't know that is who I am anymore but I really want to be.  Fake it til I make it?  Or just walk in and say y'all I'm broken don't expect much?  ;-) 

June

We kicked off June with free doughnut day and a trip to Bath and Body Works!  Nathan got some manly hand sanitizer.  He loves to put it on and sniff away.    

The next day Joshua had his piano recital and the boys did the Home Depot craft with Matt.  Joshua did such a great job on his first recital.  His piece was challenging and he was nervous.  He messed up but just kept playing; I was very proud!

Sometimes you just need a bubble bath.

We met up on the beach with some Texas friends traveling through to Disney and Matt left for another training for his upcoming deployment.  He spent the week hot and miserable in Texas.  He camped outdoors during record breaking heat.   

The Williams family minus Danny and the Turek family minus Matt took off for a members only zoo party one evening.  We had a blast together and the moms were dripping with sweat as we tried to get every kid in a carseat in my van.  The only bummer was the night time construction on the way home that kept us out a lot later than we had planned.  

Jessi and Christopher stayed with Nani and PopPop an extra week during their May visit so Nani needed to drive them back to Mississippi.  They decided to see us for a couple of days on the way.  

Seeing if Nani and Jessi can handle the cold section at Sam's Club

Matt came home and this was his greeting!  They really missed their Dad.

We played laser tag as a group.

Nani got back in time to go to dinner with Matt before she had to leave the next morning.

I love serving in Primary at church. I'm in the presidency but I'm also the chorister and singing time is fun!

Nathan finally go a strawberry off his plant.

The boys went to vacation bible school again.  They learned some awesome songs and had a wonderful time.  The Dohm kids were there too which was an added bonus.

Don't want to lose this little gem of a pic.  Getting himself ready and wearing his VBS gear.

We went to a library program that involved 45 minutes of Q and A....I was dying.  The boys loved this part though.

We went to a different library program called the Makers Club.  The boys really enjoyed the freedom to create although Joshua struggled at first with so much freedom and I thought he was going to lose it.  He sat there almost in tears and then the Hansen kids walked in and Beth got to work.  This inspired Joshua to figure something out too.  Nathan talked the entire hour with a teenage boy.  He was actually having a conversation about Minecraft and all other topics.  He was asking the kid what he was interested in and having a real conversation.  How is he so grown up?

Nani came back with PopPop in honor of Nathan's birthday.  We had to do a little trip through the Exchange.  Nathan decided to run ahead and be a statue.  

Dinner time and entertaining Nani with a fun game of tic-tac-toe.  His rules were quite interesting.

Father's Day first and Nathan's birthday second.  The boys loved their tricky card that they picked out for Matt.  

Nathan was so excited for his 5th birthday!  He loved getting cards in the mail especially ones with money or in this case one he could dance to as well.

I had to grab a quick picture with the birthday boy before church.  This kid challenges me as a mom and keeps me on my toes.  He brings joy and laughter to all that meet him.  He doesn't know any strangers and is truly a light to the world.  I love this kid!

He was thrilled to have friends over and I had to include this picture since it has his spider-man blanket in it.  This blanket is an essential every night.

                                                Thanks Nani for the awesome sunglasses.

He wanted a cake with his two favorite things which are spider man and Chick Fil A.  I thought it was impossible but Nani made it possible! Love technology and Amazon!

Spencer also shared the big day and his wife made a delicious tres leches cake for Spencer.

Aunt Liz sent Nathan a video game and his favorite gift "poppies."  That's right an entire roll of packaging.  He got very creative with how he wanted to pop.

Really missing Nani after she had to go home

Matt and the boys were checking out all of his new gear to get ready for deployment.  

June swimming!

June bowling

Volcano making because school and learning never stop.  

We made a big decision in June.  Shockingly, we are not going to Columbia, SC!  Matt is excited to start work June 2019 in Atlanta, Georgia!  He will be working as an anesthesiologist for Northside Hospital in Sandy Springs and Northside in Cumming, GA.  After that shocking decision we had the thought that we could actually go ahead and sell our house and the boys and I could relocate to GA putting us only 3 hours from family.  Matt will come back in April and we leave the military June 1st.  The timing was going to be close or I was going to be selling and moving on my own.  We did all the prep work and listed the house to see what would happen.  A little over 1 week later our house was under contract.  Can you believe it?  We are every emotion.  It will be sad for me to leave behind my friends a year earlier but it will also be nice to be distracted with new adventures while Matt is deployed and closer to family. 

Speaking of friends, Matt has made such great friends here.  They had a going away gathering for Spencer before he relocates to Utah.  

The last week of June the boys did something brand new.  They spent an entire week without me!  I met Nani and PopPop in LaGrange, GA on a Saturday and they took these critters home with them.  Well I actually sent them looking normal but this picture came back to me.  

Aunt Lizzie and Aunt Rachel made the drive to Rock Hill to see the boys during their visit.  They had a great time and Lizzie had one more surprise for both boys.  Wand holders to go with the Universal trip we went on together.  Rachel also met up with them one day at The Big E too.

The pic updates I received during the week.

The boys told me this was the best time they've ever had with family.  They really enjoyed having Nani all day and then PopPop and Aunt Kiki in the evening.  I guess Matt and I are party killers.  :-)

While the kids were away, the grown ups tried to play.  

Well at least on Monday...Tuesday Matt had to have a little minor surgery.

We spent the rest of the week recovering and being lazy.  We also showed our house for the last time.  It was nice showing the house with two less people living here.  Thursday our house went under contract and we changed our pick up plans.  Instead of meeting in the middle we went to GA to look at houses and attend the temple.  We spent the day unsuccessfully looking at houses.  We have a better understanding of the area though and have a trip planned for July to hopefully either lock in a house or a rental for the next year.  Today I have heard on repeat how much they miss SC.  It will be great to be closer in just a few months!