Dishes and Insecurity

     Just as I got done determining at 9:30 p.m. I needed to shut it down for the day and head upstairs and get ready for bed, (I am usually an 11:30-12:00 kind of girl and my body hates me when the alarm goes off at 4:30 a.m. for my workout.) I paused from finishing up dishes to sit down and write. It's now 9:31....people, my best laid plans always fail. But I justify this as journaling and so therefore it is, well, justified. Right?!

     Anyhoot, as I was washing sludge out of bowls, scraping crust out of pans and feeling my fingers began to wrinkle, I wondered. I wondered why today I felt like invisibility would be nice. I wondered how it is that one day I could feel so outgoing and the next subconsciously long for anonymity. To live in my cave, nestled close to the ones who truly know me.

     And then somehow I connected some mental dots.

     Last night I was eating dinner with a group of women before a broadcast I had gone to watch. The conversation was humorous and we were all having a good time. Then the conversation turned, in jest, towards making fun of people who look a certain way. But by a certain way, I don't mean the people who you typically associate with being bullied. No, this was kind of a reverse bullying. The people being referred to were those ladies who otherwise look like they have it all together. Perky boobs, even tans, smooth, wrinkle free skin, perfect hair and nails, you get the idea. One of the ladies was joking about how she wished ill on people like that. That those are the people you want to see fall flat on their face or in her words "fart in public".

     I chuckled uneasily, but inside I groaned. Why do women do this to each other? It is said that even in jest there is truth. So even if it was a comedy routine, you know that person who was saying those things really felt that way. Don't get me wrong, what little I know of this gal, I love her. She is witty, fun, beautiful, talented and has a personality you can't help but be drawn to. So I didn't understand the insecurity she blamed for wishing ill on those Barbie types. Didn't she understand how fabulous she was?

     I couldn't help but think that we all have motivations for whatever our -isms are in life. Maybe the "Barbie types" (if we want to label them as such, but really I am not comfortable with that) do what they do to fulfill a need and that works for them? My main thought just was, why do we label each other? Why do we form opinions of people whose hearts we don't know? Whether you are skinny or plump, crafty or spartan, intelligent or simple, witty or dull, boisterous or quiet, or whatever scheme of opposites you could throw on the spectrum, why do we care? Why do we compare? Why do we look to others to validate how we feel about ourselves?

     But then as this string of thoughts was flowing through my brain I realized, I myself am guilty as charged. Because the whole conversation left me sadly wondering who have I been labeled as? The craving to be a ghost started to sneak in. What conclusions have people drawn about me? It left me feeling naked in the middle of a crowded room. We are all seen everyday of our lives. But there is something gloriously gratifying about being seen. Not for our exteriors, but for our hearts, our minds, our motivations and who we are beyond face value. And yet, as a society and as individuals there is such a draw to write in stone who a person is and what their worth is, based on what only the eye sees.

     And that frankly makes my heart very sad.

     Last week in Primary (the organization for children in my church, where I volunteer), my awesome friend's daughter, Autumn, got up and read from the book "You are Special" by Max Lucado. In it you follow the journey of a little puppet who struggles with other people's views of him too. In the end he discovers that all that really matters is what the woodcarver, his Maker, thinks of him. It's moments like this I find myself so incredibly grateful to have children in my life, both at home and at church. Because they help me see things as clearly as they should be seen. And when life finds a way of streaking the glass of our perception, there are those little hands that help wipe it clear again.

     As I type, I know in my heart, my little light wasn't meant to hide out in a cave, isolated from the world. Even if some days that feels like the safest place to be. I know I just have to continue to work on me and know that my best efforts are good enough for my Maker....and hope other people come to realize the same for themselves. Because while we are all so very different, we are His, and just right in His eyes.

Adventures With Mayo...

Brynna just got done watching me, with both fascination and concern, as I schmeared mayonnaise through my hair. (I strongly dislike mayo...taste, smell, feel...so this is taking one for the team. And by team I mean every strand of hair on my head.) Supposedly mayonnaise is supposed to be really good for your hair. And since I am trying to grow out a little length, but also am in the habit of using the blow dryer and flat iron on my hair most days, my ends have started getting to be a little too dry. And as we know, there is no point in having long hair if it looks like wisps of dry, crunchy hay. (I have a visual in my head right now of the horses we were feeding at the barn on Thursday. Noisily crunching and munching on the handfuls of hay the Littles and I were feeding them while the Biggles were having their riding lessons. Yeah....not so interested in having that adorn my face.) So as a result of dreaming of long, silky, luxurious locks I have resorted to ridiculous behavior, like lathering myself in condiments. If you run in to me later looking like a greaseball or smelling like a macaroni salad, I am placing full blame on Pinterest for this one!

P.S. In case you were wondering, here is a Young Crew vocab lesson for you. "Littles" = Lauryn and Devyn, my younger two. And as you may have guessed "Biggles" = Maryn and Brynna, my older two.

Love This!!

 Click below to see how one woman celebrated her 38th Birthday by performing 38 Random Acts of Kindness!

Random Acts of Kindness Birthday Ideas

This is the coolest idea ever. 

I am so doing it for my next birthday!

Dave Would Be Proud

 

 I don't know if everyone knows who Dave Ramsey is, but he would be proud of me. I just finished pounding out my budget for next month and am determined to stick to it. Cash only, no cards, no excuses. In the past few months it seems like we have had a ton of expenses with our rental house and as of this moment it is sitting empty...I had my freak-out last month. Now I am trying to remain calm and have faith we will find good tenants and that it is going to be okay rather than suck my thumb at the thought of double house payments. Also the girls have been in activities that were awesome, but not cheap. The older girls have been growing which means new clothes and all that too. We have been blessed to have our needs met, but I've decided I can be a much better steward of our family's finances and be more disciplined in tracking our family's spending. As Dave says, I need to make my money work for me and not me work for my money. So here we go...let's just hope I don't get mugged and have all my cash for the month stolen! ;) 

Visiting Teaching

      

    

     One of the things I love about being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the total feeling of family. Since we moved back to Georgia last year one of the things we have missed the most is being near family. I was spoiled for the first 31 years of my life to have family nearby. People who knew me and were easy to lean on. But I have truly gained a better appreciation for the Church as I have watched in others' lives and felt in my own the way members of my church circle their wagons, so to speak, around one another. If there is illness, babies being born, job loss, a move, a death in the family, just having a bad day or whatever it may be, someone is there. And more often than that, many people are there. To love you, support you, physically feed you or spiritually nurture you.

     In our Church we have a women's organization called the Relief Society. This group of women, of which I am a member of, accepts Christ's invitation to love and take care of one another through a program called Visiting Teaching. Each woman is assigned another woman or women, or as we call them Sisters (because we are all God's children and therefore literally spiritual sisters) to accept stewardship over. This includes checking on that individual's needs, offering sincere friendship and also to be a spiritual support to that individual. Admittedly when I was in my twenties, probably because I was in my comfort zone, I didn't catch the full vision on Visiting Teaching myself. I didn't really magnify my calling or sometimes had a bad attitude about it because I hadn't fully gained a testimony of or appreciation for the program. I would do it, but my heart wasn't in it.

     However, when we moved from Georgia to Oregon at the beginning of 2010 I had never felt more like a fish out of familiar water. I was coming out of a very difficult time in my life and also heading into another. I had my parents close by, but I was without a true friendship outside of my family. But then shortly after arriving in Oregon, two women, Heidi and Marci, were assigned to be my Visiting Teachers. I immediately felt at ease with these two women, as Heidi cracked jokes and broke the ice and Marci shared her positive, easygoing outlook. I felt a humble gratitude that Heavenly Father had sent me just what I was needing at that time. We weren't necessarily in each others' back pockets all the time, but I knew without knowing them for very long that I could count on them for anything.

     Heidi seemed to show up without warning on a moment of inspiration that was so in tune with my unvoiced thoughts that it was uncanny. She offered sound advice mixed with humor to lighten whatever was troubling me. Marci too, who had a passel of young boys in tow, would show up with flowers or cookies and a smile that exuded the selfless love she demonstrated to every one she came in contact with. Oregon continued to be a hard time for us, but I can truly say, those women were my bright spot. They never made me feel I was their assignment, but truly became my friends.

     Fast forward to this morning. I found myself sitting on a couch in the living room of a woman I had barely met. We talked, shared experiences and things we had in common. I know it sounds crazy, but by the time I left I felt true, genuine love for this sister. We talked about how it doesn't matter if we grew up in the Church or converted later in life, or if we have been inactive or active, or not even a member of the Church, we are all the same. We are all God's children and He loves us not just collectively, but individually. We talked about how each and every one of us are flawed, but trying each day to do what is right in our own way and in our own time. We talked about how we all travel paths of spirituality or understanding in this life at different paces and how that is okay.

     I have come to understand that we are each given trials in this life, that sometimes seem unexplainable, for a reason. So many times we can't help from asking God "Why me?", "Why now?", or "What do I do?" There are those moments you find yourself being comforted by someone else's experience in the water you are trying so hard to tread, but feel like you are sinking in. The voice that says, I have survived this and so can you. Lean on me. Suddenly you find gratitude for someone else's trial, someone else's experience. And then there are those full-circle moments after you survived and find yourself on spiritually solid ground where you can use your hurt, your trials, your worry or your heartbreak to be that voice of encouragement to others. Because through the love and light of Christ there is relief for us all.

     So often I find myself feeling I am an unworthy servant of my Savior. I get frustrated with my kids. Most days my house looks like a mine field of toys, shoes, dishes and laundry. I procrastinate. I don't read my scriptures as often as I should and a million other things I could improve on. It's easy to beat yourself up. To forget your purpose; the one that was designed specifically for you. It's easy to stand still rather than progress out of fear or self-doubt. It's easy to sell yourself short of being your best you.

     It's times like these where I find myself thankful for the women in my life, those conduits of Christ's love, who have said through their actions; that meal, quote, kind thought, conversation or saved seat that seem to say, take my hand and we can walk this road together. As I consider the blessings of my life, both the one's that felt like blessings and also the one's that felt like a kick in the gut while I was in the midst of them (but are blessings in disguise), I can say without a doubt and despite my many shortcomings, that that is the woman I want to become.

The older girls are at a friend's house and the little girls are upstairs chatting with each other. (They are actually supposed to be sleeping...) Theoretically, I should be being super productive right now with all this quiet time. You know, like cleaning my house or folding laundry or something. There couldn't be anything further from what I want to do at this moment. {sigh} Someone please just take pity on me already and deliver me an Alice.

Makin' Pancakes

 

When we got home last night we discovered that while we were away Nana had sent the girls a fun, new Halloween cookbook. Maryn and Brynna have been taking cooking classes once a week after school and it has helped their cooking confidence and desire to get in the kitchen increase. So this morning they were eager to pick out a recipe and give it a try! Since school is out this week and I didn't have to go to work, we decided to pull out the griddle and let them whip up some ghoulish pancakes!

 They didn't turn out exactly like the picture in the book, but I think they did a pretty good job! We substituted the  recipe in the cookbook with Ma Young's pancake recipe (Ma is the girls' great-grandmother, their Gramps' momma). That was Maryn's call since she felt like cooking with family recipes would be more meaningful.

 The girls have been semi-obsessed with "Cake Boss" lately and the concept of the importance of "la famiglia"! In fact as Lauryn dug into her pancakes she exclaimed "Hey Maryn, these are good! You really are Buddy the Baker!" It was pretty funny!

Oh Savannah....

Justin and I returned home earlier this evening from our impromptu weekend getaway to Savannah.

 If I have said it once I will say it a million times, Savannah is one of my most favorite places on earth.

 

Justin and I were newlyweds when we visited Savannah for the first time.

 

It was as magical then as it is now. 

 I remember sitting in one of the city's many squares on a park bench at dusk, hand in hand, with my husband. 

 It was just the two of us back in those days and we daydreamed of quitting our jobs, selling everything and moving into one of the basement apartments off a quiet square downtown.

This time, thirteen years later, as we strolled down uneven brick streets our daydream was of someday retiring here.

 

Of being in a place where inspiration was around every turn.

 Where stories were limitless and the twilight of ours could be written together.

  Justin and I mused over dinner on a perfect Southern evening about what it would be like to write a book together.

 I daydreamed of learning to paint and even found a beautiful impressionist piece to bring home with us as a reminder of our time together.

 We pictured in our minds the thought of a house, downtown or in the low-lands, to welcome grandkids to someday.

There are many years separating us from that daydream coming to fruition.
 
But I can say that I wouldn't rather have anyone else by my side, in daydreams or otherwise, than Justin Young.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy...

...or at least my version of it....

 

While sitting in the middle of an enormous pile of laundry tonight hating every unmatched sock, shirt to be hung and towel to be folded the thought occurred to me....Nudists don't have to do laundry. Freaking geniuses. Weird people who I wouldn't want to share chairs with....but geniuses none the less. Let this be an indication of how flippin' over laundry I am. I am being driven to somehow romanticize life in a nudist colony. Sick.

Packing My Bags....

 

Tomorrow Justin and I are leaving for an impromptu trip,

to one of our most favorite places in the world...

Savannah, Georgia.

I plan on wandering beneath the mossy branches I love so much.

Eating hot hush puppies as I watch the boats come in on River Street.

Holding hands and talking to my husband without interruption.

Strolling the streets of downtown past dark on a spooky ghost tour.

Walking through antique stores looking for treasure. 

Eating fudge I watched being spread over thick slabs of marble.

Sleeping in, shirking time, breathing deeply 

and enjoying this much needed weekend escape.

~A very special thank you to my wonderful friend Kathleen for making it all 

possible by watching all of the kidlets for us!~

Bodies

     Lately I have been writing back and forth with my brother Matt. He has had a drug problem for many years and is finally at a place in his life where he is getting the help he needs and confronting the demons of his past. I know with drug abuse it is a life-long battle. But I am so grateful to be able to interact with him and it be him. Not the drugs posing as him in his body. He was telling me how exercise and meditation have really been helping him. Recently I have discovered the joy of exercising too and am grateful to share that common ground with him. In my most recent letter I wrote...

"....It was good hearing from you again and I’m glad things seem to be going relatively well. I love how you are exercising regularly. I have to say, working out changes my whole outlook for the day. I go in early in the morning a few times a week before the kids wake up to get my exercise in. I can’t tell you how much better I feel when the kids do wake up and I have to hit the ground running! I’ve already had my “me” time and so I find that makes it easier to give the rest of my day to others.

    I kind of had an epiphany at Nana’s funeral. As I sat there looking at her little body, knowing her spirit was no longer there, I felt such a reverence for these vessels that we have been given to carry us through this life. Every day our heart beats, every day our blood pumps, our brain sends signals, muscles move and flex, bones support, eyes see, ears hear. It’s such a miracle. As I looked at the table with pictures of Nana’s life; of her as a baby, a young girl, a young woman, a mother, a Nana…I saw her body had been there with her through her whole journey, supporting her and providing a home to her Spirit the whole while. It’s pretty amazing and gave me a different outlook on our own bodies and how we appreciate them, how we treat them, how we feel about them. It made me get more serious about fitness and giving back to the body that gives to me every day. I am glad that after years of abusing your body you are treating it with respect and taking care of it. Keep up the good work!..."

   I am grateful that every day I wake up my body is there to serve me and to help me serve others. I hope my girls grow up with that same knowledge. It took me a really long time to see my body as a gift rather than an imperfect "thing". I hope my girls recognize the wonder that it is and always strive to take care of the gift they have been given here in mortality. And while I know we all will age and eventually die, I'm grateful that our bodies, including our minds, during our time on this earth have the ability to heal and to renew. I am grateful that my brother has this time to reconnect with the vessel he has neglected for so long. It is my sincerest prayer that he is able to renew his life, his purpose and his body and become the man he was sent to this earth to be.

Bath Buddies

 Lauryn and Devyn being bath buddies!

Monday, Mondays....I started working one or two days a week back at Dr. Taylor's office about a month ago. I started with Dr. Taylor, who is a pediatric dentist who also does orthodontics, when Justin and I first moved to Georgia back in 2000. When Maryn was born in 2003, as much as I loved everyone there, I quit to stay at home with her. Now nine years and three more babies later I am back! It's been a nice, little outlet for me and keeps my brain cells firing. But waking up at 5:00 a.m. and not getting home until about 6:45 p.m. on Mondays makes for a long day.

So I was grateful to be able to come home and give my Littles their bath before bed tonight and watch them play. It's so strange, it doesn't seem like that long ago that it was Maryn and Brynna singing and playing in the tub. Now they can run their long-legged selves to the shower and do their own thing. But my Littles, they still love a good hair-washing from Momma and relished giggling as they saw how ticked off they could get me with their splashing. I am ready to freeze these two. Because if the passage of time with their sisters has taught me anything, it's that these little, squeezable years fly by way too quickly.

Fall Is In The Air

     The air that has hung over Georgia as a result of Hurricane Isaac has been warm and thick. Clouds loomed from horizon to horizon like a playground bully loving to see it's victims squirm and sweat under their oppression. But this morning some force of nature pushed Isaac and his unwelcome presence out and we were greeted with a crisp 58 degree morning with an endless view of blue sky. I cooked up a big pot of oatmeal with apples I picked myself from a North Georgia orchard this week, walnuts, cinnamon, nutmeg, brown sugar and butter.

     The girls cozied up to their warm bowls of goodness as they exclaimed "Mom! This tastes just like Fall!" They then started in, going back and forth, about their favorite things that were inspired by cooler weather. Pumpkin patches, Halloween, warm wassail laced with cinnamon, orange and cloves. They drooled at the thought of chocolate chip pumpkin bread and eating breakfast wrapped in a blanket. The turning of leaves and the hope that winter would bring snow. All things I love so much myself.

     I've often wondered what it is about Fall that captures my heart. Spring has blooms and new life. Summer, warmth and carefree days. Winter, the anticipation of the holidays and all the wonder that goes with it. But Fall....there is something about it that I love so much. Maybe it's that with the turning of the seasons, as leaves change from who they were, we see that there is beauty in that transformation. And maybe I like the idea that that change can be reflected in our own lives. That time may change us and challenge us, but it doesn't have to diminish us. That our beauty, inside and out, can become more vibrant than ever with each turning season of our life.