Parenting in the Pew

Family Resource Evaluation

Dr. Robbie Castleman is Associate Professor of Biblical Studies at John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas.She is married to theReverend D. Breck Castleman, and they have two grown sons. She is also a speaker. She has been a guest speaker on this topic at our church.

Parenting in the Pew addresses the importance of instructing and guiding children, preschoolers to teenagers, in worship. Dr. Castleman introduces a concept somewhat foreign in today’s worship services–children participating in ‘adult’ worship with their parents. She bases the importance of this guidance on the scriptures Jesus used to show the importance of the presence and praise of children: Matthew 18:14, Mark 10:14 and Luke 18:16.

            The first concept addressed is in regards to worship. Worship is not for us, but for God. God commands our worship. The book is to help parents train children in worship.

            Dr. Castleman addresses the hurdles and obstacles parents encounter during this training. One obstacle comes in the form of other members of the church may not understand and appreciate the endeavor to train children. She points back to Pharisees and their concern with the Law over God’s love. She continually reminds the reader worship is not about us, but for God. Ill-prepared parents are another reason children are trained by volunteers, who may or may not be any more qualified. Heart, home, dressing, tithing, and attitude preparation should begin Saturday night. Encountering God with your children is essential. You can’t just give them coloring books and work sheets and anticipate them encountering God during worship. Parents should be with their children guiding them in the understanding of their faith in worship, which includes the teenage years.

This book offers suggestions how to approach the worship director, pastor, and others involved in the worship process to aid in the training of children. Dr. Castlemen offers advice for prayer, confession, baptism, Lord’s Supper and worship in song. This book is the expanded edition. The appendix address the issues of children who are hyperactive and programming for children’s church for seeker churches.

Parenting in the Pew gave new insight to the value of training children in worship. Many of Dr. Castlemen’s ideas for helping to train children in worship would benefit some adults. Adults should learn to take care of physical issues before attending worship so they do not have to be excused during worship, which can be a distraction to all. She uses scripture to show the value God places on children and how the faith of a child should teach us how to worship and come in to God’s presence. 

The book touched the surface of the issue of training children in worship. The book was written so that parents could read and apply the methods. This book is an easy read and has only 139 pages. The suggestions in the book are basic and simple to apply. Basic applications range from common sense to respect of others. The applications, also, encourage adult participation and worship enhancement. There is a study guide included so the book can be used as a group teaching tool.

Stages of development in children; cognitive, affective, physical, social and emotional could have been addressed with a detailed look at how to train children at various ages and stages of development. Dr. Castlemen suggests working with those responsible for worship to help with parenting in the pew. She also gives insight to the difference in training between children and teens.

There are some theological issues addressed in the book in regards to the sacraments–

Dr. Castlemen discusses infant baptism which does not lend to everyone’s beliefs. Dr. Castlemen puts conditions on Communion that some adults do not follow. She suggests children be mature enough in their faith to participate in Communion with other believers.   

Dr. Castleman’s examples given in the book are confirmed in her own life with her two sons.  Her testimony of training children to worship is accentuated by the fact she parented in the pew by herself while her husband preached from the pulpit. She also used feedback from various parenting seminars based on Parenting in the Pew to address the issue of over-active children and children’s programming for seeker-friendly churches. She makes several good points and recommendations in regards to over-active children. The most important suggestion, which can be applied to all children, is “to ask the Lord to help you see your child through His eyes” (page 135). 

Dr. Castleman emphasizes the importance of training children for worship during any program you may implement. She suggests for seeker-friendly churches that children are trained for a time and then incorporated into worship with their parents. This concept could revolutionize children’s worship and more importantly family worship. She discourages the use of children’s worship as an excuse for parents to get away from their kids. Rather this time should be looked at as an opportunity to be together during the most important time of a family’s faith development-worship. Dr. Castleman makes a comment in the book that God smiles when He is the recipient of worship from a family together in corporate worship. This concept may meet with resistance in many churches and by many parents.   

Families should also remember that worship is not limited to Sunday morning. Worship is finding those God moments in everyday life and giving Him the glory in all that we say and do. Children should see parents worship God in their everyday lives, as well.

The title, Parenting in the Pew, indicates this book would be for parents. However this book and the commitment to train children in worship represented by this book; would benefit the church as a whole. Parents are ultimately responsible for the training of their children, but in the case of training children in worship a commitment of family and the family of God is required and emphasized in this book. Castleman refers to worship as the one thing we get to do together forever. 

And that is my 2 cents worth.

CONCLUSION:

            The first step in understanding the age of accountability is to know there is no certain numerical age in which a child graduates into the age of accountability. It has been said  children are the future leaders of the church. However, let us not forget they are the church of today. Children are as much a part of the faith journey as adults. Children get excited about their love for Jesus. They want to tell others at school, on the ball field, or on the school bus. “One kid leading another kid to the foot of the Cross for a life-changing encounter with Jesus is one of the most prolific and effective means of evangelism in the nation”(Barna. Pg. 49). Faith can begin early in a child’s life, but parents and the church need to be involved in the process. We cannot just leave their spiritual development up to chance. Children can posses the faith necessary for salvation. There is no age at which we can automatically pronounce their readiness to make this decision. Many factors play a role in the accountability of children. Instead of looking for a numerical ‘age’ of accountability, children’s faith should be based on their understanding of God’s Word and why He loves us so much that He gave His one and only son, Jesus, in our place for the redemption of our sins. Until that understanding parents and loved ones can be assured God loves the little children and protects them in His arms of love. “Jesus loves the little children, All the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, All are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world” (George Frederick Root, Clare Herbert Woolston).
And that is my 2 cents worth.

AGE OF ACCOUNTABILITY FACTORS:

            There are indicators to look for and questions to ask when it comes to a child’s age of accountability. Scripture is important in understanding a child’s readiness to make the most important decision of their life – to accept Christ as Lord and Savior.  The most important part of leading a child to Christ is to remember you do nothing to make it happen. The Holy Spirit prompts the child and moves them to a decision.

Factors to Consider:

*Developmental Maturity                                                                                                                                                                                                                        *Level of Intelligence                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 *Spiritual Training                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       *Home Environment                                                                                                                                                                                                                                *ABOVE ALL…God’s Timing

There are some signs of accountability of which to be aware  when talking with children about making a decision to be a Christ follower. Children must understand all of them. But more importantly they should understand there is only way one to be with God in heaven-“Jesus told them, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6, HCSB).

If a child is not ready, don’t feel like a failure or that the child rejected Christ.  More than likely the child is just not ready.  You are a seed planter. The Holy Spirit convicts, not you. Home environment is important. Developing a biblical worldview in children is an important focus. One must start young so the biblical worldview is solidly in place during childhood but continues into adulthood. He gives two paths to moral decision making—“the bottom line is that a person’s moral foundation is either based upon Christian spirituality and God’s Word, or it is based on worldly perspectives” (Barna, 2003, p. 53).  However, we should remember with God all things are possible.

The following is a list of questions to ask children. Remember to avoid “churchy” words like justification, sanctification, judgment, etc. Words like grace and faith can be difficult, as well.

1. Sin
   1. What is sin?
   2. Who sins?
   3. What are some things people do that God does not like?
   4. Do you ever do anything that God does not like?
   5. What are some things you do that God does not like?
   6. Does God ever sin?
   7. What would we do to heaven if God let us there with sin?
   8. If God cannot let us into heaven with sin in our lives, where are we going to go when we die?
   9. Does God still love us in spite of our sin?
2.  God’s special plan
   1.  Who is the world? (John 3:16)
   2. Do you know about the special plan God has so all people (sinners) can have their sins can be marked out (forgiven) so we can live with Him forever in heaven?
   3. Who is Jesus?
   4. What did Jesus do for us?
   5. Just because Jesus died for the sins of the world, does that mean that everyone automatically goes to heaven?
   6. What things must you do if you want to get to heaven God’s special way?
   7. Admit, Believe, and Confess: This is God’s way.
   8. Can you do one of those really well and still get to heaven?  What about two of them?
   9. If you were to die today where would you go?  Why?
   10. Have you done the three things God requires?
   11. Does all of this make sense?  Is there anything you do not understand?
3.  Your Choice
   1.  Would you like to do the things God requires, so you can go to heaven?
   2. What does God want you to do right now?

                Some of these questions may be intimidating. Let’s start with a definition of sin that children can understand.  Sin is the bad things you do because you have chosen your way instead of God’s way.  Since we need to repent of our sins, repentance is another word children will need explained. For children,  repentance can be described as turning away from your sin and choosing to follow Jesus. Some other terms that are commonly used:

• Saved – When you have asked God to forgive your sin and asked Jesus into your life as Savior and Lord.
• Born Again – When Jesus becomes your Savior and Lord; when you are born into God’s family.
• Give your Heart to Jesus – When you ask Jesus to come into your life to be your Savior and Lord.
• Come Forward – When you walk to the front of the church during a special time of a Worship Service and talk to someone about asking Jesus to be your Savior and Lord or to let others know about a previous decision to ask Jesus to be your Savior and Lord.

And that is my 2 cents worth.

CHILDREN AND SALVATION:

But the angel said to them, “Don’t be afraid, for look, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people” (Luke 2:10, HCSB)

            Do children posses what it takes to express a faith in Jesus Christ? Definitely yes! “Our children must one day make the faith their own and give themselves to God, but God graciously draws them toward that day,” (Stonehouse. Pg. 131). Children are able to desire a relationship with God when prompted by the Holy Spirit. Man cannot understand the ways of God. God loves children and wants the best for them. He protected the children in the Old Testament and spoke against those who would try to harm children in the New Testament. “Jesus didn’t talk just to adults. He interacted with children during his ministry years and said things about them that we should consider as we think about our work with children,” (Keeley, pg. 37). Many of the interactions Jesus had with children had to do with healing. Jesus also used children as an example for adults to see how they should live their spiritual life. God even says children believe in Him. “But whoever causes the downfall of one of these little ones who believe in Me—it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea!” (Matthew 18:6, HCSB).

“Chart of James Fowler’s Stages of Faith.”   Table 2

James Fowler‘s stages of faith development helps to shed light on not just the cognitive but the faith development progress of children. His research is developed along with the research of Kohlberg’s and Erik Erikson’s research in child development. The chart is seen previously.

Fowler’s stages of faith development would indicate the time of accountability would be in Stage 3-Synthetic-Conventional-the early teen years. However, Fowler’s development and other development specialists have done years of research and published many articles. However, the research cannot account the hand of God. There are other issues that take a role in the faith development of children. “The burden of faith formation clearly rests on the quality of parenting and the availability of a healthy religious environment for the nurturance of basic trust” (Ratcliff, pg. 103).

And that is my 2 cents worth.

CHILDREN’S VIEW OF GOD:

Since children have knowledge of God and are born into sin,  when do they develop that sense of right and wrong?   Children are still sinners because all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We do not have to teach children to hurt others, to lie, or be disobedient to parents. As we teach them to do what is right, we are also teaching them sin. Children need to understand early on in life that actions have consequences. However, children are not subject to the ‘law’ or accountability in the spiritual sense.  Paul sums this up in Romans 7 beginning with verse 8, “And sin seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me coveting of every kind. For apart from the law sin is dead. Once I was alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. The commandment that was meant for life resulted in death for me.” This emphasizes the point children must understand they are doing wrong in order for them to understand they need a Savior.

There is a time when our faith is humble, willing, and alive. This time is before know better—as children. Our faith is not yet comprised by the cynicism we learn from the world, which is just another result of original sin. Jesus uses this example to show adults what their spiritual life and faith life should look like. “I assure you,” He (Jesus) said, “unless you are converted and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child—this one is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Some children know right from wrong early in life, but do they understand this sin is against God?   Even though children are born into sin, they need to understand what sin is and that it goes against God. “Apparently teaching children what is right or wrong is not sufficient to guarantee that children will act on what they have been taught is moral” (Stonehouse. Pg. 94).

According to Kohlberg’s Levels of Moral Reasoning chart as depicted in Table 1 listed below, moral development under the age of six is based on a fear of punishment and desire for rewards. Also, it is not until children are in the high school years; they base their decisions on what is best for the cause or social good and not until early adulthood moral decisions are based on the rights of other individual persons. This is the time when children begin to own their faith. Leaving their faith and/or moral development to chance until then will not ensure they will develop into morally conscious adults. “Because everything is ultimately a spiritual and moral issue, the more intentional and clear minded we are regarding their spiritual development, the better off they will be for the duration of their lives” (Barna, Pg. 32).  This development begins in Stage 0. They understand there is a consequence, good or bad to their actions. This moral development should be partnered with spiritual formation. “A growing love for Jesus causes them to want to please him and to be like him. This gives them a reason to be moral” (Stonehouse. Pg. 123).

Spiritual formation and instruction from the Bible about God and His love for us will help children to do what is right based on the love of Jesus and not because of a punishment of Hell. This can be unhealthy spiritually. However, living a life of love as indicated in 1 John 4:19, “We love because He first loved us,” (HCSB) instructs us to the ‘why’ as given in the original command Jesus mentions as the second greatest commandment-“The second is like it; Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39, Mark 12:31, Luke 10:27 (HCSB).

*Stages 1 through 5 are adapted from Lawrence Kohlberg’s stages of moral reasoning as described in Kohlberg (1975, 1978, 1981); Stage 0 is adapted from William Damon (1977) and Robert Selman (1980). TABLE 1

RESOURCES:

CREATED IN GOD’S IMAGE:

“For everything was created by Him, in heaven and on earth, the visible and the invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him” (Colossians 1:16-17, HCSB).

SIN NATURE:

“The Lord God said, ‘Since man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil,he must not reach out, take from the tree of life, eat, and live forever.’ So the Lord God sent him away from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken.” Genesis 3:22-23 HCSB

            “God does not create evil; still he does not prevent it when it is shown by others, although he could do so” (Alister E. McGrath, The Christian Theology Reader. Third Edition.(Malden, MA: Blackwell Publishing 2007. Pg. 184). Evil and sin are created by Satan. Satan has been displeased and unhappy and against God from the beginning. God allows the evil and for us to choose or to have free will to sin. This is to make us stronger through trials and sufferings and to make us stronger so we can resist temptation and to strive to be righteous.

God’s Word tells us “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23, HCSB). Sin cannot be avoided by man. Only one man lived a perfect and sinless life and that was Jesus, Son of God. “Everyone who enters the world may be said to be affected by a kind of contamination [in quadam contamination effici dicitur]” (McGrath. Pg. 408). When a child is born into this world, he is a sinner in need of a Savior.

God created us and created us to be in relationship with Him. “Human nature was certainly originally created blameless and without any fault [vitium]; but the human nature by which each one of us is now born of Adam requires a physician, because it is not healthy” (McGrath. Pg. 416). However, the sin of Adam and Eve has impacted all of mankind, forever. This is known as original sin. God did not originally create us to have a sin nature or for the earth to be cursed. “This webbing together of God, humans, and all creation in justice, fulfillment, and delight is what the Hebrew prophets call shalom….Shalom, in other words, is the way things are supposed to be” (Cornelius Plantinga, Jr. Engaging God’s World-A Christian Vision of Faith, Learning, and Living. Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 2002. Pg. 14-15). God has created us to be in harmony with Him and to praise and worship Him. Through the redemptive power of Christ Jesus, mankind will be restored to a right relationship with God. Man only needs to use the power of free will instilled by God to accept the power of Jesus’ blood on the cross.

Mankind may be doomed because of original sin, but God made a way through His son Jesus. “For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). There is hope for ‘everyone’, including children.

A hot topic of discussion amongst those in children’s ministry is the ‘age of accountability.’ When are children ready to understand the concept of salvation? This series will  explore this topic and allow the readers to come to their own conclusions.

One of the things that must be of great concern to Christian parents who love their children is the age of accountability. The saying goes “no parent should outlive their children.” When a child dies before the parent, the question arises “where is my child?” No matter the behavior of the child while in life, some parents believe children are “little angels” and go to heaven. The status of the best-selling book, Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back, is a testament to the issue of children, heaven, and God. The interest is not just for believers. “The book has sold just as strongly in national chain bookstores like Barnes & Noble as it has in Christian specialty shops, said Matt Baugher, the vice president and publisher of Thomas Nelson.”[1]

There comes a time in a person’s life when they have an understanding of sin, its impact on our relationship with God, and the head and heart understanding of the gift God gives in His son Jesus to redeem ourselves.  What is this age? This series will explore this issue and review scripture to help understand there is no certain age. This series will examine accountability in regard to physical age but more importantly developmental age and environmental background.  The issues discussed will be the sin nature of man which goes back to original sin and the impact on all, including children. To help us understand this issue; we will look at the reason God created us. Another question addressed will be that we are created in His image and what does that mean for the age of accountability. An important aspect of this topic will be the stages of faith for children along with their psychological development. The questions will be explored if children can even posses the faith necessary for salvation? There are factors to consider when determining the age of accountability such as intellectual, emotional, and spiritual development. Another important factor is spiritual background and environment. Lastly, we will take a look at how to know a child, or any person for that matter, is ready to make the decision to make Christ Lord of their life.

And that is my 2 cents worth.

This brings us to the issue of what age should children attend worship. There are many factors to consider for this question. The size of the church, the number of services offered, the alternative offered for children, the length of the worship service and church leadership.    Considering Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development children should be developmentally able to start attending worship sometime between the ages of 7 and 11. Children who are 11 and older in the formal operational stage should definitely be able to attend worship with parents. God intended for parents to be the spiritual head of their children. According to previously indicated scripture in Nehemiah 8, God did not originally establish Wacky World Children’s Worship Hour to separate families.  This issue is one that can divide churches along with pew versus chairs or the color of the carpet.

Since some consider children in worship as an inconvenience, some of which are parents, there must be a decision or plan in place that can benefit all the members of the faith community, especially children. The reason that children do not understand or are not developmentally ready is significant. However, sometimes we sell our children short on what they understand and comprehend. The real issue is we are selling God short on how He can use the Holy Spirit to work in the hearts of children.

Children have wiggle issues. So do adults. “Children are spiritually formed when they learn that following Jesus is not always convenient” (Beckwith, 2010, p. 75). There are many excuses to use to not have children in worship. The one that is troubling is that parents want to get rid of their kids for an hour and do not want to have to deal with them in worship. This brings great sadness to God.

There are many opportunities to be able to have children in worship. “If we want or children to grow in faith, we have to give them opportunities to worship with the entire congregation and also to worship in ways that are developmentally appropriate. They need both” (Keeley, 2008, p. 114). Children of certain ages can attend worship with their parents for part of the service and then attend a worship service for children during the sermon portion of the worship service. Infants through age two can be cared for by trusted caregivers in the early childhood department. However, parents should be able to choose for themselves. Early childhood, children 3-5 years of age should experience a worship service similar to the adult yet considerably shorter and with stories, music, activities geared for their age group. However, an offering should be collected, prayers offered, a regular order of service followed, and continual focus on God. Restroom and drink breaks are done before children’s worship, also. Children’s worship should be a preparatory tool for when the child attends adult worship. Castleman warns on using adult worship as punishment for misbehavior in children’s worship. She also mentions to not down play children’s worship by calling the adult worship service the main service. Call it like it is—adult worship and children’s worship (Castleman, 1993).   The goal of children’s worship is to instruct and give children the experience of worship. Children’s worship is not for entertainment purposes.

The Bible says in Romans 14:12 we will give an account someday for our choices. God entrusted us as parents and Christian educators with one of His most prized-creations: children. Will we be able to say we did all we could for the spiritual development of children?  From Barna’s information in Transforming Children Into Spiritual Champions the question is posed do we want our children to develop a worldview by default? “For children to have the kind of faith that we want them to have, they need to be part of a worship experience. They need to see their parents and their parents’ friends gathered in worship” (Keeley, 2008, p. 114).

If well-meaning, Christ-following parents do not take an active role in guiding their child’s heart in the joy or worship; then children may see worship as a waste of their time or as a tradition that is out-of-date, rather than as a relationship we have with God. And that God created us for worship and to be in relationship with Him. Christian educators and parents both should create and implement worship for children but also give them the opportunity to worship in community with adults. The spiritual development of children is important to continue the legacy of developing Christ followers.

Don’t let the rocks take your place when it come to worship. (Luke 19:40)

Resources:

Beckwith, I. (2010). Formational Children’s ministry; Shaping Children Using Story, Ritual, and Relationship (E-Book ed.). [Nook Book on iPad]. Retrieved from

Castleman, R. (1993). Parenting in The Pew (Expanded Edition ed.). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

Holy Bible, ESV

Keeley, R. J. (2008). Helping Our Children Grow in Faith. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.