30 questions I asked myself (2016)

I was inspired to do this questionnaire after reading Abby Norman's one here.

I think it's a good self-awareness questionnaire and great for year-end reflections. It's called the Proust Questionnaire and you can find the questions here on Vanity Fair.

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1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
It's cold outside but warm inside. My pets are cuddling with me. I'm having the best conversation with (someone who gets me) and we talk for hours.

2. What is your current state of mind?
Flustered by my to-do-list hence procrastinating by doing this questionnaire.

3. What is your greatest fear?
Failing people, failing myself, failing God.

4. What is the trait you most deplore about yourself?
Caring too much about things I should not be caring about, which sometimes leads to anger, which leads to saying things I regret.

5. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Self-centredness. People who feel entitled to take things that are not theirs to take.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
Art and craft supplies.

7. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
I think it's great to be virtuous and the world needs more of it. If anything, virtues should be emphasized more.

Too underrated - kindness and gentleness.

8. What is it that you most dislike?
Going into a cold pool. Going/driving to new places alone. Calling a stranger. Finding that my pet is unwell. Receiving complaints from others (I do this too). Feeling afraid. Ghost stories.

9. On what occasion do you lie?
To avoid embarrassment/criticism/judgement.

10. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
I like my appearance. I just don't like how some people react to it.

11. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Kindness, being aware of self (strengths and weaknesses), and being aware of others.

12. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Kindness, being aware of self (strengths and weaknesses), and being aware of others.

13. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"I dunno."

14. What or Who is the greatest love of your life?
My pets.

15. When and Where were you the happiest?
When I was in college/uni, here and in Aus. Also, the part where I get home and all my pets are wagging their tails/rubbing against my legs. Or the part where I find my cat snuggled up somewhere and looks super comfy and cute.

16. Which talent would you most like to have?
To be good with managing people and being with people.

17. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Tutoring and helping my brother and cousin ace their Literature papers. I guess this is not really an achievement, more like a proud moment. They're smart, but I just like to give myself credit for helping them upgrade from Bs to A stars. Haha!

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
To care less about what others think (of me; and in general).

19. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A bird.

20. What is your most treasured possession?
My pets.

21. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Depression - feeling that there's not a single soul in this whole wide world who actually cares.

22. What is your most marked characteristic?
Overthinking things.

23. What do you most value in your friends?
A listening ear.

24. Who are your favourite writers?
Neil Gaiman, Roald Dahl, Charles Dickens, LM Montgomery, Rohinton Mistry, Louisa May Alcott, Hengtee Lim.

25. Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Tristan Thorn.

26. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Do people in the bible count?
The older brother from the story of the prodigal son. Martha (Mary's sister).

27. Who are your heroes in real life?
Kittenxlady, Dr. Chan from myanimalcare.org
Thank you for saving all those little lives and making it happen in a bigger-than-self scale.

28. What are your favourite names?
Tommy, Oreo, Georgy, Toby.

29. What is your greatest regret?
Not saying yes to a relationship I would have loved because I couldn't accept all of him.

And saying yes... to some stuff.
And not saying no. And not speaking up more.

Not saying hi to that person on the bus one day in college. I felt really compelled to go say hi and I had a pounding heart and sweaty hands. But I didn't. I told God, "I'm too scared..." I don't even remember what he looks like, and I don't even know who he is, and I don't know how his days are now.

Not speaking up more about God when my late ex-boss talked to me about his views of Christianity one early and quiet morning. He passed away unexpectedly a few months later (he was not even 60). I always felt that I should have said something more then. He had a Buddhist/Taoist funeral but I'm not sure what he really felt deep inside. He was very contemplative that morning and I just mostly listened to what he said about his doubts and his thoughts about Christianity and growing up in a Christian family.

30. How would you like to die?
Being taken up by God like Enoch but with no worried/sad family members left behind.

Reflections of being at the tail end of my 20s

😁

I've never been one for big birthday celebrations since I've never felt comfortable being in the centre of attention. Furthermore, sitting in front of a cake and waiting awkwardly for the birthday song(s) to finish (or do you sing along?)... is really not... uh, comfortable. Perhaps I can only appreciate how funnily uncomfortable it is and just laugh at it all.

A friend once mentioned that people in the olden days used to celebrate birthdays because the mortality rate was so high that just being alive for another year was a feat on its own.

I think we too often take being alive for granted. We get so caught up in doing what we do day after day that we sometimes forget to stop and realise that we have so many things to be thankful for.

If anything, this birthday has reminded me to appreciate the ones who actually reached out to me to celebrate my being alive for yet another year. The messages I received are sweet reminders that even as I struggle to keep in touch, there are those who would still make the effort to say hi in the midst of their busy lives.

This year, I am thankful for being made aware of how precious good friends are. Cos as the years pass and workplaces change, so do friendships that no longer have the privilege of daily meetups like at school/uni/work.

I'm grateful for those who stuck around and for those whom I never felt like I needed to be reserved with. Those who pushed me forward and had my back. Those who did not always agree with me just to please me. Those who connected deeply with me and encouraged me to be the best version of myself.

But even if friends forget, I really don't care. It's just another day in the year. We all have birthdays, we all have limited memory space, we all have things to do. It's one of those things that I rather let slip by quietly than to make a big fanfare out of it. Let's not confine our thankfulness and love for each other to just a few specific days in the year. 😉

Social anxiety

Me: Did you know, when I was a kid, I used to avoid people like teachers or friends when I saw them out of school?

Brother: What?

Me: Yea, my heart would pump so fast, it's as if I'm almost being caught at blind man's buff.

Brother: Really???

Me: Yea, I would hide behind mummy or daddy if I can, or just take a different way hoping they won't see me.

Brother: Wow, I didn't know... Wow... I mean, wow...

_______

It's gotten better but some days social anxiety still gets to me and I'll stutter and lose my composure in front of acquaintances or people I'm uncomfortable with.

To be honest, I have never given much thought about my shyness/social anxiety. I'm generally shy in front of people that I've not warmed up to and I suppose it's never been much of an issue in an Eastern country because we're not expected to speak up or be outspoken or social.

And my brother's reaction made me think, well, maybe not everyone can understand it cos they can't comprehend how such a small matter can seem so big to me.

But that's social anxiety for you - it's not something we can control, though we can learn to overcome it (to an extent). It's not something we can unlearn because it's mostly an unconscious process which leads to physical reaction (racing heart). It's uncomfortable at best, but isolating at worst.

It also reminds me that everyone sees and reacts to the world differently. Perhaps, if we realise this, we can understand each other a little more and be more accepting and compassionate regards to someone else's difficult experiences.

Not the girl

I'm not the girl with the straight As

Not the girl with the pretty clothes

Not the girl always cheerful

Not the girl with many friends

Not the girl so forgiving 

Not the girl slow to anger

Yet my God calls me a woman

Beautiful and righteous

Do kindred spirits know each other upon first sight?

I've been lying awake for several nights thinking about the connections I've made and the ones that stuck.

To be truly honest, I occasionally envy girls who have their girl squads who always "have your back". Because even in troubling times, I find it difficult to pick a person to share my thoughts with.

Post-uni with fewer and fewer friends around me, I find it even harder to make connections and stick with them. Sometimes, I really feel like I fail at being a friend - I don't take initiative, I'm not "fun" enough, people feel that I judge them... Some days I feel like I'm just tagging along following others around doing the stuff they like doing. Maybe to others, I'm needy, all too dependent, or just invisible.

It's feeling all of this which makes it even more precious when I find a kindred spirit.

Several days ago, I was sharing with a friend that when people get curious about me it makes me curious about them in turn (and mostly feel awkward too). And my reasoning was that it's because "I am always invisible to people". While he said that it was quite a stretch to say no one ever notices me, I mean more of no one ever notices me as a person. To be perceptive enough to see past my shell and want to know what I'm like on the inside.

Kindred spirits are like this -

They see you

and they reach out to you

knowingly unknowingly

Because they are curious

about the things kept quiet

and the endless depths to explore

Maybe of things that you both know

Maybe of things that you both feel

Maybe of a past interlinked

Maybe of a future possible

They will go lengths for you

just to get to know you

Because they know

if and when you find one

you have to keep them close to your heart

because kindred spirits are like

one in a hundred

times hundreds more human connections

And you'll never know when you'll meet another

//

Here's to kindred spirits whom you recognise upon first sight

and will always see the best and the worst in you,

never tire of knowing more about you

even if it takes a lifetime

Thank you, kindred spirits who've crossed my path. May our conversations never run dry. And even if we are apart, may we be able to pick up where we've left off, always.