So I’ve decided to do a blog post. Reason being-I need some guidance! At this exact moment I should be doing my school work, but the situation I am facing is seriously distracting me.
You all know that my daughter is now 5 years old. Some may not know that her father is out of the picture. He became a ghost when she was 3 months old. Since then me and my bubs have been a duo…with the exception of living with my aunty and her daughter…so I guess that kinda makes a quad….but anyway…
This week at school they have been discussing professions, and yesterday the topic of discussion was what the kids fathers do for a job (why specifically fathers I’m not sure). So I guess the kids were saying their dads were firemen, policemen etc (which according to the class teacher isn’t strictly true). So my daughter tells the class that her Dad is dead.
Fast forward to this morning when I drop her off at school, her teacher comes out to me and takes me to the side. She sets the scene for me; that they were discussing professions, and that Bubs told the class that her Dad was dead. The teacher says she told Bubs that her Dad wasn’t dead-that he was probably in America or somewhere, but that Bubs was adamant that he was in fact dead. Now let’s pause for a moment; I have NEVER had a discussion about Bubs’ Dad with this teacher, so really at this point, she had zero knowledge of whether the Dad was indeed dead, but she is telling my child that he’s in America) So when she tells me what Bubs said, my first reaction was a little chuckle-not because this situation is funny-in fact it’s the farthest thing from it, but it was the shock of knowing that my child is thinking that her father is dead.
I tell the teacher that the dad is not dead, that he is not involved in Bubs’ life and that she has never met him. Please tell me why this stupid bitch then says ‘well you have to tell her!’…like I’m here telling my child that her dad is dead. I tell the teacher that Bubs’ has never said anything like that to me, and this is the first that I’m hearing it. Apparently she witnessed Bubs’ having a conversation with another child telling him that her dad was dead. This child then went on to tell his mother, who came to the teacher this morning to mention what her child had said to her.
I don’t know who this mother is-I don’t really talk to these mothers other than a morning greeting or a hello, but nevertheless for some reason this mother felt it necessary to discuss this with the teacher. I told the teacher that I would talk to Bubs’ this afternoon. Why the teacher didn’t mention this yesterday I have no idea….but nevertheless I walked away from the school with my heart well and truly broken.
See I’ve grown up with a fuckboy for a Dad, and I NEVER wanted the same for my child. I have endured many years of heartache as a result of this fucker-and now in my adult years have decided I want absolutely nothing to do with him, and have not spoken to him for about 7 years (much to the disapproval of pretty much all of my family on his side). But for me to get to the point where I’ve accepted that he wasn’t shit, and I no longer wanted or needed to entertain his shit, I had to go through A LOT! None of which I wanted for my baby girl. Yet here we are. I’m heartbroken because my daughter has come to the conclusion by herself that her dad is dead. I mean where did she get this from? She mentioned once last year that she didn’t have a Dad, and I tried to explain to her that she did have a Dad but that he didn’t live with us…I mean how much can you explain to a 3/4 year old?
When I got home I cried-I don’t cry…but I cried for the absence of her father, for the pain that is waiting for her in years to come with this missing piece. Though she has an AWESOME God-father – it’s not the same. He’s someone else’s Dad!
I hate that this fuckboy that I unfortunately got with (but who gave me my beautiful daughter) has now left me in a situation where I have to attempt explain his absence, answer all follow up ‘why?’ questions (her current fave thing) and raise her to be a well rounded individual with minimal ‘daddy issues’. It’s a mammoth task. I always knew I would have to deal with this at some point…but I’m not ready! I’m not prepared! Help me!!!
The Diary of A Tom Gurl 
