Truthdoesnthurt's Blog

By the time my friends and I were about 14 our sexual activities virtually ceased.  Apart from myself and two others, our daily gatherings just seemed to fade away. There was no talk about it it just happened. This sounds a bit nasty and I don’t mean it that way but the two guys that continued were probably the least popular in the group, not a lot of personality, were not into sports, didn’t dress even a little fashionable and were generally less socially entertaining as friends.

Whilst I did continue engaging in (much less) sexual activity with them, I wasn’t their greatest fan either to be honest. It was around this time I really started looking seriously at boys looks, their body shape, hair, eyes, dress and the like. It seems that rather than just sex I was getting more mature in my view of boys and what they would be like as boyfriends, just as the other boys had begun doing with girls. I did have a few experiences with girls but it was clear there was no enjoyment in it for me, in fact I found it quite disgusting! But, I did fall in love with one of  our group of boys . At the age of 14 he took on a whole new look, I mean, I took on a whole new view of him really. He was one of those guys that always dressed immaculately, tall and lean with a beautiful tight rounded butt and a really cute sense of humour. He had the perfect body I thought but it was his personality that really drew me to him.

Because we were all slowly drifting apart by this stage any contact with him was sheer joy. I remember vividly the last time I masturbated him. Don’t know how it came about but the two less popular guys, myself and this boy ended up having a group grope and I could hardly talk or breathe. Having my hand in his crotch was sheer heaven. I wanted to hold him real tight and kiss him (which we didn’t ever do) I wanted to touch his hair and run my hands all over his body, I was almost shaking with excitement. If ever I need any more confirmation I was gay, that was it….in spades! That was the last time he and I ever touched each other and even to this day I remember what he felt like, and even how he smelled that day….he always smelled like he’d just got out of the shower.  Not so long after that my family moved to a new suburb and it was 20 years later when I met him again, divorced with two daughters and he was now a detective!

Alex

When I think back about my escapades as a boy I still have really fond, warm memories of the boys I felt strongly about. As an 11yo regularly engaging in mutual masturbation ( and even ‘competitions’!) I remember one of my friends, a blond blue eyed stunner with a great personality, and how I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I used to think about him regularly during masturbation and always tried to position myself close to him during our group gropes! But it wasn’t just sex, I had stomach full of feelings I didn’t really understand, just leaning on him gave me a mild ecstasy and touching his bare skin made me feel a little ‘weak in the knees’ sometimes and I’d go very quiet as if I was concentrating on soaking up everything I could about him and every minute of being with him. It was liking entering a realm of life that was secret and unique, that couldn’t be visited any other way. Wow, I loved him, and I was 11yo!

I also remember him becoming ‘good friends’ with the tallest boy in the group who also had the biggest penis (we were all impressed)….pissed me off cause I had one of the smallest in the group. That hurt for quite some time. Even then I used to think   ‘it isn’t about big dicks, it’s about how much you care for him!’ …… so even at that young age I was tuned in to such deep emotional feelings and principles…. or maybe I was just jealous 🙂

Alex

It seems inevitable that when one looks into the world of a boy’s adolescence and his emerging sexuality, especially if that is gay, then we are drawn into what is probably the most taboo subject of all, when boys have sex with men. It is of course part of exploring this area of human development and always has parallels for gay boys that don’t have sex with older males also. Hence the following round up of some reasonably recent (this decade) research may have some interest for some of you.

http://www.yawningbread.org/arch_2009/yax-999.htm

Another aspect of trying to understand what makes a boy what he is, especially if that is gay, is the area of possible genetic determinants.  It’s an area of research (childhood development of gays not genetics) that has always been seriously under funded (I wonder why!). From some of the things I’ve read in the last few years, amidst the genuine desire to know, is always lurking the school of thought that genetics just may hold the key to homosexuality and that there maybe a gene that can be switched off! You know the kind of attitude I’m talking about.

What little has been done increasingly suggests that any individual gene that may look like it has ‘something’ to do with sexuality also has numerous other biological  influences on exactly what and how it does what it does that are still totally unknown. For you right wing religious types, sorry your simple solution to homosexuality doesn’t exist yet:)

There is however some interesting research into twins, and a little has been done with twins before, that whilst proving nothing conclusive as yet, does point to some interesting areas of an individual’s innate make-up as it were.  The following info may be of interest.

http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2005/08/14/what_makes_people_gay/

Just as a little side thing, here is a good little gay site that includes short stories from gay teenagers and their thoughts.

http://www.avert.org/gay-men-stories.htm

Alex

One quite common area most research mentions but can’t really define or quantify about the development of boys into men is that hard to define stuff, the desire (as all humans have) to feel wanted, to be special with someone special, the hugs, the touch of warm skin against your own, the light headed feeling of being with someone you truly like/love, that all over and inner calm of having someone you love next you,  and all those other beautiful deep emotional feelings boys rarely talk about. It’s the kind of stuff our culture has pretty much made taboo for boys to discuss or admit, and more by default than design I think. We (our societies and communities) have allowed the generalized picture of what a boy/man ‘should’ be, to become a person who is tough, not needing the deeper, softer, emotional feelings in our lives, the cool, calculating, chest beating warrior or its contemporary version. It’s still the dominant view I believe. I don’t believe it’s been engineered that way, it’s simply come about for many reasons and is mostly unconscious in us but nevertheless powerful when it comes to producing societal reactions and beliefs.

I think the vast majority of males would agree that the true male of the species enjoys and needs those softer elements of human interaction to produce an eventual emotionally healthy adult male and continue to experience those things throughout life. But check out the majority of the movies you watch, the TV shows, the male heroes of today, common humour, innuendo, we are still bombarded in the majority by that traditional ‘tough’ shit in one way or another. Again this mainstream media generalization is a powerful influence on the culture as a whole and is probably the strongest influence that sees us retain the old warrior values for males. Intellectually we know damn well as individuals and a collectively now that males need the softer stuff in their lives and yet we still fight it, we still perpetuate a vision that actually works against what we are as a species, those needs within us. Sadly, in my view, the gay community has, in serious proportions, taken often on board the muscle look….of course fit healthy bodies are great but you know what I mean? That muscle look is synonymous with the warrior look and all that goes with it. It’s almost like it could be said to be working against being gay if you see what I mean?

Again, my experience with kids brought me up against many heart wrenching situations. I lost track of the number of ‘tough’ boys I saw collapse into whimpering children on occasions, boys that just couldn’t keep up the hard shit no more and when given some physical affection (just hugging sometimes) they became someone totally different…. if only for a short time quite often. One guy will stick in my mind forever. A very hard, quite violent 15 yo. Well known for beating people up and feared by all of his peers.  I’ve always been one of those naturally ‘touchy’ people, always put a hand on someone’s shoulder when I greet them or talk to them type thing so naturally did it to the boys I worked with. This boy (lets call him john) would always overtly pull his shoulder away when I did it in the early days of knowing him. Sometime during the first year of working with him he stopped doing it. I guess we had come to know each other a little better and he trusted me a little more I suppose. But there was also that inner stuff at work I’m sure, the innate needs.

Anyway, about a year or so after first meeting him and then regular continued contact with him, I had heard the police were looking for him, breaking and entering and beating someone up I was told. I worked for the local Council at that time and was provided with a cheap apartment in the community I was working in so everyone knew where I lived. I got home from work about 11pm this particular night and went straight to bed. Around 2.15am there was a knock on my door and there was John. He didn’t say anything (he never talked much at the best of times), he looked tired and dirty and generally washed out. I invited him in for a coffee and asked him about the police warrant but he was pretty quiet and didn’t seem to want to talk about it so I eased off. I could literally feel how drained he was….. and looked. He leaned with his back on the kitchen wall with his head down, I put his coffee next to him on the table and asked him if he wanted me to go to the police station with him at which point I could see the tears rolling down his cheeks and he put his arms around me and cried, sobbed in fact, he was squeezing really hard. I just held him, there were no words, I just let him cry. He cried on and off for about 5 or 6 mins and when he stopped he still kept hold of me. We just stood like that for at least another 5 or so minutes. He eventually stood himself up, looked at me, wiped his eyes and said ‘thanks, I gotta go’ and he left.

It’s all part of the picture we’ve had conditioned into our heads knowingly and otherwise. To be a worthy boy/man you need to be tough, tall, slim, blond, blue eyed, big dick etc etc etc and all the variations on that theme. Interesting isn’t it how those things are things we have absolutely no control over, unlike how we treat people, how loving/caring/considerate we are etc. Strange species eh! But amazing too.

Alex