Mommy Life

I haven't posted in forever.  I have been so consumed with this tiny angel that has taken over my life.  She is absolute perfection.  Even almost four months later, I sometimes find myself just staring at her in awe of the fact that I helped create such an amazing thing.  I just hope I can do her justice.

Heading back to work was hard.  It's still hard.  It tears my heart out every day I have to leave her.  There are still days when I cry while I'm driving to work.  Thankfully summer is near, and soon angel and I will have loads of time together.

Bucko and I are doing well.  We seem to still be adjusting to life as parents.  We still haven't done a date night.  I know we need to, but finding the time and bringing myself to leave the baby have been harder than you would imagine.  Bucko has given me loads of opportunities to take a break, but I just haven't felt ready yet.  My head knows that time away is healthy, but my heart says remember how badly you wanted this baby?  Besides, she's only going to be little for so long.  I feel like I blinked and she went from my newborn to my angel that can roll over on her own and sleep through the night.  (Loving the sleep btw!)

I am excited for tomorrow.  Mother's day used to be hard.  It used to be one of the suckiest days of the year.  I used to cry.  It sucks to have a day that celebrates something you can't have.  

Last mother's day we were at the tail end of the two week wait.  The procedure didn't work the first time, and I wasn't holding out much hope for the second.  Mother's day was a hard day; especially when the girl at church tried to hand me a flower, and I had to say that I wasn't a mom.  Bucko was more optimistic than I was.  He said he was sure it was going to work this time.  So sure, he went out and got a pregnancy test.  This was a couple days before the doctor was going to do the blood test.  He encouraged me to take it.  I was terrified.  I took the test.  It was the faintest pink line I ever thought I saw.  I had to call Bucko in to make sure I wasn't insane.  Since it was so faint we weren't sure it was right.  We waited on pins and needles until the blood test.  Long story short last mother's day I found out I was going to get to be someone's mom.

This mother's day I can't wait to spend the whole day with my angel.  That little face is the best present ever. Enjoy your day everyone.  I know I will.

You've Come A Long Way Baby

I know I haven't blogged in a million years.  Things around here have been busy.  I just wanted to let everyone know that things are more than fine around here.  It seems strange to say considering that it wasn't very long ago we'd almost given up hope on getting to this point, but here we are.

I'm sitting here typing this with my hospital bag by the door days away from delivering our tiny little angel.  It's strange to feel like you can't wait to meet someone you feel like you already know.  I wonder what she'll be like.  I wonder if she'll be the way I picture her in my head.  She already seems to have such a little personality, and I don't know that I've ever loved something as much as I love her.

Honestly, as long as she is healthy the rest is just frosting on the birthday cake.

Bucko and I are fine.  We are both excited and nervous about bringing home little Buckaroo.  He adores her, and she already adores him.  When he talks to my stomach she moves to get closer and will only kick for him.  I love watching him love on us.  He's going to be an amazing dad.  

We are very connected as a couple right now in spite of not having our DD safety net.  There is a physical intimacy that we both admit to missing.  Things are difficult when there are big bellies, swollen feet, and other pregnancy fun to work around.  Despite that, we seem to just be settled and rolling along as far as every day life goes. We haven't talked about how things will work after baby.  He has mentioned there are certain physical activities he is itching to do again, but we both seem comfortable with just figuring it out as we go.

We both seem okay with not knowing how things are going to work next.  Everything will be different, but I think this experience has given us confidence in ourselves as a couple.  We may not know what we are doing as parents.  There is nothing like having a baby to show you that you don't know anything about having a baby, but we feel good about figuring it out together.  

Half way through and an update on Buckaroo!

I'm so sorry for my lack of response to comments.   This school year has started out really busily.  I come home super exhausted, and really it is all I can do to stay up until it's dark outside.

That being said things have been going well.  The baby and I are fine.  I have officially reached the halfway point in this pregnancy, which is such a blessing.  I am starting to feel the baby's movements and flutters.  It's amazing.  I can't explain how awesome that is.  It makes everything feel so real.

The doctor has been really pleased with the my blood sugars, and my weight is starting to catch up with the normal pregnancy weight.  I lost a bit in the first trimester, but now things are balancing out.  Bucko painted the nursery and we are starting to get things together for Buckaroo's arrival.

Now for the best part.  We had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound recently.  Buckaroo was being awfully stubborn, and didn't want to give us a good view, but we did finally get to see that our little Buckaroo is a girl!  Bucko and I are both thrilled.  We would have been thrilled either way, but I had a strong feeling pink bows were in our future.  Bucko is over the moon.  I see a daddy's girl on the horizon.

 

I think I Might be Breaking Up

with my blog.  We just don't seem to have much in common anymore.  The reasons for which I started this blog, no longer seem to exist.  My life has changed over the last year or so, and I've changed with it.  

I don't have much to say anymore.  When something happens and I need a shoulder I seem to find myself running to a few close friends, rather than blogger.   Every now and then the thought crosses my mind that such and such would make a good blog post, but before I sit down to write it the urge has passed.

Our focus here is different now.  DD seemed to hit its stride for a while, but now has sort of faded.  I'm not sure if I miss it or not, to be honest.  While I do miss the connection, I'm having a wonderful time bonding over changing tables and what color to paint little Buckaroo's room.

I feel less like a DD wife, and more like an everyday mommy.  While I don't know if I will close my blog, I do know that I probably won't be posting often and the nature of those posts will change.  Right now, I think I just need to focus on enjoying the place I'm in right now.  I can live with that.

Little Buckaroo and I are doing just fine.  We are still a little tired, but everything else is pretty great.  That seems to be good enough for us for now.

Pickles, Fruit Cocktail, and Trying to Figure it Out

Things are pretty good around here right now, for the most part.  Our little Buckaroo is doing well.   At our last ultrasound she?/he? had a good heartbeat, and moved around while we were watching.  It was pretty amazing to watch.  Nothing makes it feel more real than watching that little tiny life move around inside you.

I'm doing pretty well too. I went to my regular doctor, and we worked on my blood sugar control.  I'm checking my sugar more than the doctor recommends, but they've been good and it's working.  It makes me feel better to know I'm doing everything I can to make sure this baby is healthy.

Pregnancy has taught me a few things.  Morning sickness is a lie.  I haven't been sick terribly often, but when I get sick it is in the afternoon.  Having taken so long to get pregnant makes you worry about EVERYTHING.  I worry if I'm sick.  Am I too sick?  Are we sure everything is okay?  I worry if I'm not sick.  Am I not sick enough?  Is something wrong with the baby?

Pregnancy lesson number 2: Buying groceries is pointless.  No matter what is in the house it is not what I want to eat, and most of the time I'm too tired to cook it.  I've learned that the best way to fight the sickness is to eat what the baby wants, even if that means running out at dinner time, because Buckaroo has to have a tuna sandwich, and even if that means eating pickles followed by fruit cocktail.  

Sometimes I feel useless.  I feel like I have all of these things I want to get done, but I can't because I'm simply exhausted.  My head says get off the couch and help Bucko out with the chores, but my body says no.  Then I get frustrated when things don't get done.  I feel like I go from feeling lazy to a rage monster in 2.4 seconds.  I'm not really angry with Bucko, so much as I am that I am not doing anything.

Our dynamic is strange right now.  I know he is taking care of me and stepping up.  I get that.  A part of me still wants him to make sure I do my part.  I think Bucko said it best the other day.  "I want to step up and lead, but this is a sensitive situation.  I have no problem making you check your blood sugar or rest, but when it comes to making you do things it's much more difficult.  If I ask you to do something, but you don't because you were exhausted or sick, I can respect that.  You are growing a human.  Give me some time to figure this out." 

So that is where we are.  Figuring it out.  

Compared to Colin Firth

Nothing says welcome to summer vacation to an English teacher like a Pride and Prejudice marathon.  

Now when I say Pride and Prejudice, I like most girls, am referring to the Masterpiece Theater BBC version that stared Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy.  Who doesn't love Mr. Darcy?  Throw the very handsome Colin Firth into the mix, and I'm sold.  

I should mention at this point that Bucko is convinced our little Buckaroo is a girl.  So when he asked of my plans for the day, the conversation went like this:

Me: I'm introducing little peanut to the wonders of Jane Austen.

Bucko: Because she doesn't need to know anything about strong female leading characters.

Me: Lizzie Bennett happens to be a very strong female character thank you very much.

Bucko: Who? ( TL face palm)

Me: Lizzie Bennett... the female lead in Pride and Prejudice.  She has no problem telling Mr. Darcy he is an arrogant jerkface.

Bucko: But she marries him anyway!

Me: She was willing to look over his jerkface ways and loved him anyway.

Bucko: Nobody actually does that.

Me: I did... (That's right I went there)

Bucko:  (With a grin) That was a low blow, but since you just compared me to Colin Firth I'll take it.  You girls have fun.

Buckaroo and I had a wonderful day avoiding nausea curled up on the couch watching Mr. Darcy.

Tiny Miracle

I've been pretty quiet lately, I know.  I haven't wanted to say anything.  I was afraid if I said it out loud it might not be true, but I can't keep it to myself anymore.

I went to the doctor yesterday.  Bucko held my hand the whole time.  We, and so many others had prayed for this moment.  Then we got to see it.  It was a little flicker on the screen.  It went so fast that if you blinked you missed it.  The doctor zoomed in, so we could see better.  

That little flicker was our baby's heartbeat.  I cried.  The only word I can think of to describe it, is amazing.  It is mind blowing that something so tiny, roughly the size of a blueberry, has a heart beat, but it does.  So far all is well, and we are so grateful.

We are grateful to God for giving us this tiny little miracle of our very own.  We are grateful to all of you for your support as we have gone through this process.  All we can say is thank you, even though it isn't enough.

Bucko, TL, and little Buckaroo